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EXTENSIVE
EXPLANATIONS!
EVERYTHING
YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT…………
BUSINESS FAILURES 2001-08-30
CHILDBIRTH 2001-08-30
CLASSIC CLASSIFIEDS 2002-02-01
COW LESSONS 2001-08-30
GOLFING GREATNESS 2001-08-30
GOOD(?) NEWS 2001-08-30
KID’S TEST PAPERS 2001-08-30
KITCHEN SIGNS 2001-08-30
MOTHERS OF THE FAMOUS 2001-08-30
MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMPUTING 2001-08-30
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IN THE USA 2001-08-30
PROCRASTINATION 2001-08-30
PROJECT TERMS 2001-08-30
SENSATIONAL SIGNS 2001-08-30
SOCCER COMMENTARIES 2001-08-30
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? 2001-08-30
COMPUTER ACRONYMS 2001-08-30
CAT COMMANDMENTS 2001-08-30
WOULDN'T THE PERFECT MOTHER SAY? 2001-10-08
HOW 'PROPER' IS YOUR ENGLISH? 2001-10-09
THE TRUE MEANING OF CAR NAMES 2002-04-26
THE EVERYDAY SURVIVAL KIT 2002-04-26
SIGNS YOU LIVE IN 2002 2002-04-26
ACADEMIC PHRASES AND MEANINGS 2002-04-26
FAT THEOLOGY 2002-04-26
AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE PROBLEMS AND SOLUTIONS 2002-04-26
COMPUTER TERM DICTIONARY 2002-04-26
ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN 2002-04-26
HELLO! 2002-05-01
Subject: SEC: UNCLASSIFIED:-LIVING IN THE 01'S 2002-04-26
THE RULES..... 2002-04-26
HENPECKED HUSBANDS.....from Daily-Humor 2002-04-26
COMMENTS FROM 1957.....from arizona_humor 2012-06-30
VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES 2002-04-26
THE COUCH POTATO OLYMPICS 2002-04-26
TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL YOU ARE A NEW DAD 2002-04-26
HOME MECHANIC'S TOOLS AND THEIR USAGE..... 2002-04-26
EVOLUTION OF MUM (MOM) 2002-04-26
NEW DIET RULES 2002-04-26
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE 'WEBBED OUT' 2002-04-26
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK 2002-10-28
ASSOCIATED HYMNS 2002-10-28
THE 15 TOP BIBLICAL WAYS TO GET A WIFE 2002-10-28
WHAT GOD IS LIKE 2002-10-28
YOU MIGHT BE A PARENT OF TEENS 2002-10-28
MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS 2002-10-28
TEENAGERS AND CATS 2002-10-28
POLICE QUOTES 2002-10-28
EIGHT GIFTS THAT COST NOTHING 2002-10-28
RECIPE FOR MIRACLES 2002-10-28
SCHOOL HOMEWORK POLICY 2002-10-28
OFFICE RULES 2002-10-28
CHOCOLATE RULES 2002-10-28
COOKING TERMS 2002-10-28
GOLF MEDITATIONS 2002-10-28
MORE COMPUTER TERMS 2002-10-28
YOU KNOW YOU ARE BORN AND RAISED IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN... 2002-10-28
SMALL CHILDREN 2002-10-28
PAST JOBS 2002-10-28
THE 10 MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS 2002-10-28
ABOUT AGE 2003-07-02
ENGINEERING DICTIONARY 2003-07-02
SLOW DOWN THERAPY 2003-07-02
25 THINGS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT WHEN SINGING IN THE CHOIR 2003-07-02
THINGS TO REMEMBER AS A DOG 2003-07-02
A NEW VIRUS HAS BEEN FOUND 2003-07-02
REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF KIDS HAVE TAUGHT ME 2003-07-02
ESSENTIAL DEFINITIONS 2003-07-02
OWNER'S GUIDE FOR CATS 2003-07-02
TOO MUCH COFFEE 2003-07-02
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN 2003-07-02
ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS 2003-07-02
THOUGHTS ON AGING 2003-07-02
THE BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER 2003-07-02
MOTHER'S WISDOM 2003-07-02
SIGNS YOUR JOB IS MINIMUM WAGE 2003-07-02
GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS 2003-07-07
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN... 2003-07-09
THANK HEAVENS I LEARNED ENGLISH AS A CHILD! 2003-10-09
101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO 2003-10-13
TOP TIPS FOR CHEAPSKATES 2003-10-13
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED 2003-10-13
THE WORLD'S TOP INVENTIONS 2004-01-17
MOTHERS 2004-01-17
THE NEW DICTIONARY 2004-01-17
LITTLE KID'S INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE 2004-01-17
GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS 2004-01-17
THE JIGSAW 2004-01-17
EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS: 2004-01-17
12-STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAMME 2004-01-17
PIZZA PLEASE 2004-01-17
EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU 2004-01-17
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 55 2004-01-17
CONFUCIUS SAYS..... 2004-01-17
TOP 10 REASONS YOU SHOULD TELL SOMEONE ABOUT JESUS TODAY 2005-02-25
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD - FOR THE POLITICALLY CORRECT 2005-02-25
YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN 2004 WHEN... 2005-02-25
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN 2005-02-25
ROD SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 2005-02-25
IT'S SURE GREAT TO BE A GUY! 2005-02-25
HERMENEUTICS IN EVERYDAY LIFE! 2006-07-19
NHS LETTERS AND RECORDS: 2008-11-21
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELING 2010-05-11
WHY GOD MADE MOMS 2011-05-20
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIE INDUSTRY 2011-05-20
BUSINESS FAILURES
Did you hear about the……
*Paper company that folded?
*Brake company on the skids?
*Bra manufacturers that went bust?
*Surgeon forced to take a salary cut?
*Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
*Baker who was short of dough?
*Refrigerator manufacturer with frozen assets?
*Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
*Upholsterers that couldn’t cover their costs?
*Adhesive tape company in a sticky situation?
*Tennis ball manufacturer who ended up in court?
*Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
*Train company that went off the rails?
*Ship builders that sunk?
*Dental practice rotten to its roots?
*Concrete manufacturer whose liquidity set solid?
*Nurseryman who got planted?
*Lawyer who contracted?
*Accountant who was unbalanced?
CHILDBIRTH
Questions every expectant couple want to know about but are afraid to ask.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is
she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A: When the kids are in college.
CLASSIC CLASSIFIEDS
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
COW LESSONS
Everything I need to know I learnt from a cow:
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
GOLFING GREATNESS
The Unwritten Principles of the Game(?) of Golf
*If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
*The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
*Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
*When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
*Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all.
*No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
*Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
*When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
*If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
*The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
*The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
*If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
*Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
*Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
*A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
*It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ......for an 8.
*Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
*Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
*The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
*There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
*You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
*Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
*If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
*To calculate the speed of a players downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e. backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph.
*There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove.
*Hazards attract, fairways repel.
*You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
*A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
*If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
*Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
GOOD(?) NEWS
*** The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
*** They say the house didn't float very far at all.
*** The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.
*** Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.
*** The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
*** The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
*** The thieves left the push lawnmower and hedge trimmers.
*** Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
*** The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
KID’S TEST PAPERS
These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:
1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"
3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
4. "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
10. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."
20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
21. "Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn foetus, but that is a large misconception."
22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
23. "Germinate: To become a naturalised German."
24. "Litter: A nest of young puppies."
25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
29. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
34. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
KITCHEN SIGNS
Signs found in the some of the best kitchens……
*^* So this isn’t ‘Home Sweet Home’ – Adjust! *^*
*^* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer - do it yourself! *^*
*^* I clean the house every other day. This is the other day! *^*
*^* If you write in the dust, please don’t date it! *^*
*^* I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener! *^*
*^* My house was clean last week – too bad you missed it! *^*
*^* I came, I saw, I decided to eat out. *^*
*^* If you don’t like my standards of cooking…. lower your standards! *^*
*^* Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse. *^*
*^* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious! *^*
*^* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. *^*
*^* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. *^*
*^* Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they will never cease to be amused. *^*
*^* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. *^*
*^* My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines. *^*
*^* I’d live life in the fast lane, but I’m married to a speed bump. *^*
MOTHERS OF THE FAMOUS
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realise how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMPUTING
@ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
@ When you get to the point that you really understand your computer, then it’s probably obsolete.
@ The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
@ When the going gets tough – upgrade.
@ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
@ To err is human…. To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human - it is downright natural.
@ If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
@ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
@ The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
@ It is amazing how often there is a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard.
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IN THE USA
And in most other countries too!
$$$ If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
$$$ If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked.
$$$ If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company.
$$$ If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
$$$ If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
$$$ If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
$$$ If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
$$$ And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
$$$ God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.
PROCRASTINATION
The procrastinator’s creed.
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organised.
PROJECT TERMS
A Dictionary ……
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties—
We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.
Major Technological Breakthrough—
Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research—
It was discovered by accident.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured—
We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.
The design will be finalised in the next reporting period—
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
Test results were extremely gratifying—
It works, and are we surprised.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem—
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive—
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned—
The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties—
We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
SENSATIONAL SIGNS
Genuine signs seen….
• On a Plumbers truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
• On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
• Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak.
• At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
• Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
Hello. Can we pick your nose?
• On an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
• In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
• On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.
• At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
• On a taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
• In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.
• On a fence:
Salesmen welcome: Dog food is expensive.
• At a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
• Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
• In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay.
• In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
• In the front yard of a funeral home:
Drive carefully. We'll wait.
SOCCER COMMENTARIES
Match commentaries designed to inspire and enthuse….
• Well. Its Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I’ve got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
• He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
• And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
• With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
• Well, it’s a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour; almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
• If that had gone on , it would definitely have been a goal.
• Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn’t here today, which strongly suggests that he may be somewhere else.
• I am a firm believer that if a team scores a goal, the other needs to score two to win.
• If a team scores early on it often takes an early lead.
• You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance (empty!!) your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
COMPUTER ACRONYMS
For the supposedly computer literate:
ISDN <*@> It Still Does Nothing
APPLE <*@> Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI <*@> System Can't See It
DOS <*@> Defective Operating System
BASIC <*@> Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM <*@> I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM <*@> Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 <*@> Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW <*@> World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH <*@> Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM <*@> Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL <*@> Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
WINDOWS <*@> Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO <*@> Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT <*@> Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CAT COMMANDMENTS
“Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.”
“Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.”
“Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.”
“Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor, as thou are not transparent.”
“Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.”
“Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.”
“Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.”
“Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.”
“Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.”
“Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.”
“Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt
fall in and trap thyself.”
“Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.”
“Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.”
“Thou shalt realise that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.”
“Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.”
“Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.”
“Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.”
“Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.”
WOULDN'T THE PERFECT MOTHER SAY?
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed
and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like
I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
HOW 'PROPER' IS YOUR ENGLISH?
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalise.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And the last one...
31. Proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
THE TRUE MEANING OF CAR NAMES
AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Bought My Wife
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT - Fix It All the Time
FORD - First On Rust and Deterioration
GM - General Maintenance
GMC - Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE - Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB - Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
TOYOTA - Too Often Yanks Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW - Virtually Worthless
THE EVERYDAY SURVIVAL KIT
Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others
(Matthew 7:1).
Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the
way you want, but it will work out (Romans 8:28).
Band Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's
(Colossians 3:12-14).
Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings everyday (Ephesians 1:3).
Eraser - to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's OK (Genesis
50:15-21).
Chewing gum - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish
anything (Philippians 4:13).
Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your Heavenly Father
(John 3:16,17).
Candy kiss - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday (1
John 4:7).
Tea bag - to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of God's
blessings (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
SIGNS YOU LIVE IN 2002
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her Web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a screensaver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a Web site address at the bottom of
the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and sells for
half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around
to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would
be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on
your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this; even worse, you're going to forward it to someone
else!
--Selected from The Good, Clean Funnies List: http://www.gcfl.net/
ACADEMIC PHRASES AND MEANINGS
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience"... once
"In case after case"... twice
"In a series of cases"... thrice
"It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
You can probably use some of these or variations!
FAT THEOLOGY
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE PROBLEMS AND SOLUTIONS
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
&
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
COMPUTER TERM DICTIONARY
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G4: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer
and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a
Syntax Error.
GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your soda on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Laptop: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on
business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN
* It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
* Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
* Wearing white is always appropriate.
* Winter is the best of the four seasons.
* It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
* There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
* The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
* We're all made up of mostly water.
* You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
* Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
* Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
* It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
* It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
* There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
HELLO!
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.
To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work, Press 2.
To complain about what we do, Press 3.
To verbally abuse our staff members, Press 4.
To ask why you did not get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.
If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.
To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.
To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.
To complain about school lunches, Press 0.
If you realize that this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it is not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort, please hang up and have a nice day!
Subject: SEC: UNCLASSIFIED:-LIVING IN THE 01'S
*************> Be sure to read the disclaimer at the end...************************
LIVING IN THE 01'S
You know you're living in the 01's when: -
1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
8.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9.Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10.Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11.You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17.Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19.Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
22.You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
24.It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
25.You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
26.This e-mail has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward it anyway.
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs.If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no
hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.
THE RULES.....
1. THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to change these rules could result in severe bodily harm.
HENPECKED HUSBANDS.....from Daily-Humor
He wears the pants in the house -- under his apron.
He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.
She leads a double life -- hers and his.
He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
She doesn't have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
He always has the last word - he says, "I apologize".
He was a man about town, she's turned him into a mouse around the house.
The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.
He was a dude before marriage - now he is subdued.
He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now.
She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.
She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.
He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.
Every once in a while she comes to him on her bended knees. When she dares him to come out from under the bed.
COMMENTS FROM 1957.....from arizona_humor
I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.
Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $5000 will only buy a used one.
If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous..
Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?
If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.
Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president.
I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They're even making electric typewriters now.
It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.
I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we're electing the best people to congress."
The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.
No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.
If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, they can forget it.
VAN GOGH'S RELATIVES
His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store..Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle...........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...........Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.......................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco.......................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.Winnie Bay Gogh
THE COUCH POTATO OLYMPICS
1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing your pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing your weight around
7) Dragging your heels
8) Pushing your luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL YOU ARE A NEW DAD
10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.
7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
5) Your idea of romance is hand-holding.
4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main colour.
2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in... babysitting?"
And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:
1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple top-10-style joke email.
HOME MECHANIC'S TOOLS AND THEIR USAGE.....
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
EVOLUTION OF MUM (MOM)
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
NEW DIET RULES
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. eg. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. eg. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. eg. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon
10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.
BUT DOES OUR CREATOR AGREE?
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE 'WEBBED OUT'
Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
Your dog has his own Web page and so does your hamster.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
ASSOCIATED HYMNS
Often music will describe for us better than any other medium, the stuff of life. With this in mind check out the following list of hymns.
The chiropractor's hymn - STAND UP, STAND UP.
The electricians hymn - SEND THE LIGHT.
The poor person's hymn - I CARE NOT FOR RICHES.
The rainmaker's hymn - SHOWERS OF BLESSING
The surgical patient's hymn - I LONG TO BE PERFECTLY WHOLE.
The day you find out you're pregnant hymn - O HAPPY DAY.
The day you find out you're NOT pregnant hymn - O HAPPY DAY.
The Mountain Home Builder's Association hymn - MY HOUSE IS BUILT UPON A ROCK
My kid's getting even with me hymn - O THEY TELL ME OF A HOME.
The ranger station hymn - ON A HILL FAR AWAY.
The physical therapist hymn - ONE STEP AT A TIME.
The divorced person's hymn - OUT OF MY BONDAGE.
The WIDE LOAD hymn - PASS ME NOT.
The rescuer's hymn - SEEKING THE LOST.
The fisherman's hymn - SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER.
The last payment hymn - SINCE I CAN READ MY TITLE CLEAR.
The seamstress hymn - SOWING IN THE MORNING.
The dater's hymn - THE NIGHT IS FAST PASSING.
The thirsty person's hymn - THERE IS A FOUNTAIN.
The slingshot hymn - THERE IS A ROCK.
The telephone repairman's hymn - THERE'S A CALL COMES RINGING.
The dieter's hymn - THOU, MY EVER LASTING PORTION.
The chain gang hymn - GO LABOR ON.
The hiker's hymn - WALKING IN THE SUNLIGHT.
The car accident hymn - WE SAW THEE NOT.
The lawyer's hymn - WHEN ALL MY LABORS AND TRIALS ARE OVER.
The street crossing guard hymn - WHY DO YOU WAIT?
The prisoner's hymn - WOULD YOU BE FREE?
The home builder's hymn - A MIGHTY FORTRESS
The parade master's hymn - FLING OUT THE BANNER.
The weatherman's hymn - FROM EVERY STORMY WIND THAT BLOWS
The Darning Association's hymn - HOLY, HOLY, HOLY.
The Girdle Association's hymn - HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION.
The caterer's hymn - ALL THINGS ARE READY, COME TO THE FEAST.
The salesman's hymn - ALMOST PERSUADED.
The insurance man's hymn - BLESSED ASSURANCE.
The cowboy's hymn - DAY IS DYING IN THE WEST.
The accountant's hymn - EARTH HOLDS NO TREASURES.
The traveler's hymn - FAR AND NEAR.
The scuba diver's hymn - FAR AWAY IN THE DEPTHS.
The whisperer's hymn - HARK! THE GENTLE VOICE.
The whining spouse hymn - HAVE THINE OWN WAY.
The wagon master's hymn - HE LEADETH ME.
The hearing aid salesman's hymn - HEAR THE SWEET VOICE.
The lost traveler's hymn - HERE WE ARE BUT STRAYING PILGRIMS.
The oxen hymn - HIS YOKE IS EASY.
The new kid in the class hymn - I AM A STRANGER HERE.
The rookie hang glider's hymn - I AM DWELLING ON THE MOUNTAIN.
The Vegetable Grower's Association hymn - I COME TO THE GARDEN ALONE.
The explorer's hymn - I HAVE HEARD OF A LAND.
The watch repairman's hymn - I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR.
The Job Service hymn - I WANT TO BE A WORKER.
The ironing lady's hymn - I'M PRESSING ON.
The distiller's hymn - I REACHED THE LAND OF CORN AND WINE.
The lost dog hymn - I'VE WANDERED FAR.
The half time Alaska hymn - IN THE LAND OF FADELESS DAY.
The birthday hymn - IS IT FOR ME?
The night watchman's hymn - IT MAY BE AT MORN.
The nervous groom's hymn - JUST A FEW MORE DAYS.
The perfect person's hymn - JUST AS I AM.
The drunkard's hymn - LEAD ME GENTLY HOME.
The psychiatrist hymn - LET US WITH A GLADSOME MIND.
The pie maker's hymn - PEACE, PERFECT PEACE.
The Gold Collector's Association hymn - PURER YET AND PURER.
The Rock Collector's Association hymn - ROCK OF AGES.
The dynamite specialist hymn - SAFELY THROUGH ANOTHER WEEK.
The race car hymn - SPEED AWAY.
The payment book hymn - WE GIVE THEE BUT THINE OWN.
The escaped convict's hymn - FLEE AS A BIRD.
The coal miner's hymn - SOMEWHERE THE SUN IS SHINING.
THE 15 TOP BIBLICAL WAYS TO GET A WIFE
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deut 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Jud 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Gen 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Gen 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Cor 7:32-35)
WHAT GOD IS LIKE
God is a little like General Electric
He lights your path.
God is a little like Bayer Aspirin
He works wonders.
God is a little like Hallmark Cards
He cared enough to send the very best.
God is a little like Tide
He gets out the stains that others leave behind.
God is a little like VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is a little like Dial Soap
Aren't you glad you know Him? Don't you wish >everyone did?
God is a little like Sears
He has everything.
God is a little like Alka Seltzer
Oh, what a relief He is!
God is a little like Scotch Tape
You can't see Him but you know He's there!
God is a little like The Copper Top Battery
Nothing can outlast him.
God is a little like American Express
Don't leave home without Him!
YOU MIGHT BE A PARENT OF TEENS
By Lee Seese
...if your blood pressure is higher than your weekly income.
...if you thought "Dawson's Creek" was a Monopoly property.
...if your kids can't stand listening to your 8-tracks.
...if your favorite prayer is "Come quickly, Lord Jesus."
...if you thought "Smashing Pumpkins" was a Halloween prank.
...if your favorite sayings are:
"When I was your age..."
"Money doesn't grow on trees!"
"Because I'm your Mother/Father!"
You might have a teenage daughter if her curfew is 6pm and she
can start dating at 28.
You might have teenage drivers if your car insurance is the
same as the National Debt.
You might be a father of teens if you are losing your hair
and hearing; and lost your patience long ago.
MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS
The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
Leakproof thermoses - will.
The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]
Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
TEENAGERS AND CATS
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their
direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
POLICE QUOTES
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
EIGHT GIFTS THAT COST NOTHING
1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING...
But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.
2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION...
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.
3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER...
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."
4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE...
It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a
life.
5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT...
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.
6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR...
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.
7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE...
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.
8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION...
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, Hello or Thank You.
RECIPE FOR MIRACLES
INGREDIENTS
1 part of knowing who you are
1 part of knowing who you aren't
1 part of knowing what you want
1 part of knowing who you wish to be
1 part of knowing what you already have
1 part of choosing wisely from what you have
1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have
INSTRUCTIONS
Combine ingredients together gently and carefully, using
faith and vision. Mix together with strong belief of the
outcome until finely blended.
Use thoughts, words and actions for best results.
Bake until Blessed.
Give thanks again
YIELD
Unlimited servings
SCHOOL HOMEWORK POLICY
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night.
This time should be budgeted in the following manner:
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like
children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the
assignment.
OFFICE RULES
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!
CHOCOLATE RULES
Chocolate is a Vegetable
Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
COOKING TERMS
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
GOLF MEDITATIONS
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces that are just the way you meant to play them.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
MORE COMPUTER TERMS
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer
to become obsolete.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work
at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE BORN AND RAISED IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN...
*During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.
*You are related to more than half the town.
*You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
*Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town
before you do.
*Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.
*You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
*You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
*There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.
*The local gas station sells live bait.
*You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.
*You get up at 5:30 am and go down to the coffee shop.
*You're on a first name basis with the county sheriff.
*You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.
*All your radio-preset buttons are country.
*Using the elevator involves a grain truck.
*Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.
*You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
*You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.
*Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.
*You know cow pies aren't made of beef.
*You wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's still light.
*You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.
*You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
*Your nearest neighbor is in the next area code. (or a long distance call)
*You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.
*You know the code names for everyone on the CB. (Hi Junior Momma!)
*You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.
*You wear your boots to church.
*It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town.
*You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of feedlot apart.
*The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.
*You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping.
*Your main drag in town is two blocks long.
*You defend the beauty of being able to see the next town which is 20 miles away.
SMALL CHILDREN
Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids.
Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
PAST JOBS
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
You got any ideas? I'm opened for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't.
THE 10 MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
ABOUT AGE
1. Growing older is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
7. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will live forever.
9. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
10. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
11. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
12. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
14. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
15. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
16. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
17. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
18. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
19. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
20. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
21. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
22. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
ENGINEERING DICTIONARY
What the Engineer says (What it really means)
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)
We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)
Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)
Major technological break through.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)
Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is
happy to get it delivered.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation
is about hopeless.)
We'll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)
Please read and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.)
Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)
Give us your interpretation.
(I can't wait to hear this!)
See me, or Let's Discuss.
(Come into my office, I'm lonely.)
All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)
Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)
Years of development
(One finally worked.)
Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)
Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.)
SLOW DOWN THERAPY
1. Slow down; God is still in heaven. You are not responsible for doing it all yourself, right now.
2. Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past. Rest there. Each moment has richness that takes a lifetime to savor.
3. Set your own pace. When someone is pushing you, it's OK to tell them they're pushing.
4. Take nothing for granted: watch water flow, the corn grow, the leaves blow, your neighbor mow.
5. Taste your food. God gives it to delight as well as to nourish.
6. Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set. They are remarkable for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.
7. Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn, or possess. God's gifts just are; be grateful and their purpose will be clear.
8. When you talk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next. Thoughts will spring up naturally if you let them.
9. Talk and play with children. It will bring out the unhurried little person inside you.
10. Create a place in your home...at your work...in your heart...where you can go for quiet and recollection. You deserve it.
11. Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive. Rest isn't luxury; it's a necessity.
12. Listen to the wind blow. It carries a message of yesterday and tomorrow-and now. NOW counts.
13. Rest on your laurels. They bring comfort whatever their size, age, or condition.
14. Talk slower. Talk less. Don't talk. Communication isn't measured by words.
15. Give yourself permission to be late sometimes. Life is for living, not scheduling.
16. Listen to the song of a bird; the complete song. Music and nature are gifts, but only if you are willing to receive them.
17. Take time just to think. Action is good and necessary, but it's fruitful only if we muse, ponder, and mull.
18. Make time for play-the things you like to do. Whatever your age, your inner child needs re-creation.
19. Watch and listen to the night sky. It speaks.
20. Listen to the words you speak, especially in prayer.
21. Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders.There will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.
22. Divide big jobs into little jobs. If God took six days to create the universe, can you hope to do any better?
23. When you find yourself rushing and anxious, stop. Ask yourself "WHY?" you are rushing and anxious. The reasons may improve your self-understanding.
24. Take time to read the Bible. Thoughtful reading is enriching reading.
25. Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and efficiency. The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning, not the one who finishes first.
26. Take a day off alone; make a retreat. You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one.
27. Pet a furry friend. You will give and get the gift of now.
28. Work with your hands. It frees the mind.
29. Take time to wonder. Without wonder, life is merely existence.
30. Sit in the dark. It will teach you to see and hear, taste and smell.
31. Once in a while, turn down the lights, the volume, the throttle, the invitations. Less really can be more.
32. Let go. Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do - but often it is the best.
33. Take a walk-but don't go anywhere. If you walk just to get somewhere, you sacrifice the walking.
34. Count your friends. If you have one, you are lucky. If you have more, you are blessed. Bless them in return.
35. Count your blessings - one at a time and slowly.
25 THINGS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT WHEN SINGING IN THE CHOIR
25. I wonder if anyone out there notices I forgot my lipstick this morning.
24. If Samson were here, would he be disappointed that we don't have any stone pillars for him to lean on?
23. I wonder who in the congregation will fall asleep first today?
22. 90 minutes till kickoff.
21. How many more verses?
20. What if some Sunday we have everyone in the choir wear regular clothes and everyone in the congregation wear robes? Yeah, that's the ticket.
19. I love my husband/wife so much, I wish I was out there in the congregation sitting next to him/her instead of up here.
18. I wonder if my pastor's sermon will be as good as Steve Brown's pastor's sermon.
17. Wearing choir robes is great. I don't have to go out and buy new clothes all the time to impress my friends.
16. Boy, I wish I had/hadn't skipped choir practice Wednesday night.
15. Why are there 666 hymns in the new Baptist Hymnal? Surely they realized the significance of that number. You'd think someone would have noticed and added or subtracted one.
14. If a wood chuck could chuck wood, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck?
13. I wonder what would happen if the congregation moved up here, and we moved down in the sanctuary? Would the Pastor preach to us or turn around and preach to them?
12. I wonder if anyone else in the choir has noticed the music minister has a wedgie?
11. Why don't we ever sing the third verse? We should skip the second verse for a change.
10. The pot roast.
9. What does the minister wear under his robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. And to think the tune of this grand old hymn used to be to a British drinking song. I wonder what the original words were?
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. I wonder what would happen if the ceiling fan fell and hit the preacher on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. I wonder who ate all the jelly doughnuts before Sunday School fellowship this morning?
1. Wow, God loves me enough to let me sing in "His" choir.
THINGS TO REMEMBER AS A DOG
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
A NEW VIRUS HAS BEEN FOUND
!!! There is a new virus going around, called "work".
!!! If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
!!! Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
!!! If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry... I'm off to the pub". The "work" should automatically be deleted from your brain.
!!! If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three bottles of beer.
!!! After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.
!!! Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life. If you receive no replies, they have been corrupted too.
REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF KIDS HAVE TAUGHT ME
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
ESSENTIAL DEFINITIONS
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" ... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
OWNER'S GUIDE FOR CATS
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive
cat/human relationship.
TOO MUCH COFFEE
You know you've been drinking too much coffee when...
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
* I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
* I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
* I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
* I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
* I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
* I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
* I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
* I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
* I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
* I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
* I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
* I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
* I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
* I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
* I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh....
* I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
* I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
* I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
* I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
* I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
* I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
* I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
* I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
* I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
* I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I???
ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS
**On a Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
**On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
**On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be .. how??)
**On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
**On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head. (!!!)
**On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on the bottom of the box)--Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
**On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure???)
**On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time???)
**On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept
those 5 year olds off those fork lifts!)
**On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness
(One would hope!)
**On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
**On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to outer space or underground)
**On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmmmm, now I'm curious)
**On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(no comment)
**On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(what is going on here?)
**On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
THOUGHTS ON AGING
~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun is a lot more work.
~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
THE BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER
* You can eat dinner at 4:00
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
* Your eyes won't get much worse.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
* You can live without sex but not without glasses.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"
* You send money to PBS.
* You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
* Your ears are more hairy than your head.
* You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* You bought cable for the weather channel.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
MOTHER'S WISDOM
Picture these mothers with theer famous offspring:
Alexander the Great's mother: "How many times do I have to tell you you can't have everything you want in this world!"
Franz Schubert' mother: "Take my advice, son. Never start anything you can't finish."
Achilles' mother: "Stop imagining things. There's nothing wrong with your heel."
Madame de Pompadour's mother: "For heaven's sake, child, do something about your hair!"
Sigmund Freud's mother: "Stop pestering me! I've told you a hundred times the stork brought you!"
SIGNS YOUR JOB IS MINIMUM WAGE
In case your postage stamp-sized paycheck doesn't clue you in on the fact that you earn minimum wage, here are some other signs.
1) The only requirement for getting the job was that you have reliable transportation.
2) Management conveniently forgets to tell you about the company picnic.
3) Your lunch usually comes out of the candy vending machine.
4) The business's annual COFFEE expense is more than your wages.
5) They're beginning to train DOGS to do your job.
6) A resumé was not necessary.
7) Your parking space? Pick any street.
8) Benefits? What benefits? Who said anything about benefits?
9) If in the unlikely event that you have an office, you get the oldest furniture in the building. Often it's older than YOU are.
10) In order to go to the bathroom, you have to have someone relieve you.
11) Your supervisor laughed behind your back when you showed up on your first day of work wearing a suit and tie.
12) Petty cash issues your paycheck.
13) Yes, you get sick leave. You get sick, you leave, for good!
14) During the interview, your boss remarked that you will gain valuable experience that will be very helpful when you move on.
15) You have the sneaking suspicion that the only reason you got the job was because your application was first on the stack.
GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.
N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN...
~ you find replays of the OJ trial interesting.
~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers.
~ you've removed the power button from the remote.
~ you've seen everything but instead of turning off the TV you go watch the Spanish channel and you don't even speak spanish.
~ you think Bravo has quality programming.
~ you only eat food that has been shown in a TV commercial.
- you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land
~ you start taping soap operas so you don't miss any of the plot.
~ you watch soap operas and think they have quality writers.
~ you think someday Al Bundy is going to have something good happen to him.
~ you wish you could star in an infomercial.
~ you know the name of the top 5 Hollywood dogs.
~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!"
~ you laugh at home videos on America's funniest home videos.
~ you think the host of AFHV is funny.
~ you don't think Bart Simpson is bad, just misunderstood.
~ you have the remote surgically attached to your hand.
~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom.
~ you were able to get a high school diploma by watching homework hotline.
~ you start recognizing extras in movies.
~ you don't realize your children have been kidnapped until you see it on the news.
~ Guinness gives you a world record.
~ you've actually seen a politician say something intelligent in an interview.
~ you go into a deep depression when cable goes out.
~ you continue to watch TV when cable goes out.
~ the snow becomes interesting.
~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters.
~ you think the reason people in the third world are suffering because they don't have TVs.
~ you don't mind watching scrambled channels.
~ you can understand what is going on the scrambled channels.
-your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment.
-you've torn out a wall in your house to put in a bigger TV
-you're a member of a "Weekly TV Remote battery Club"
And the number one reason you may be watching too much TV....
~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.
THANK HEAVENS I LEARNED ENGLISH AS A CHILD!
20 reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guine pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
How about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit start.
101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
TOP TIPS FOR CHEAPSKATES
~ Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
~ When reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
~ Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
~ Drill a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
~ Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the car until you return.
~ Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers to "fast wipe" whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
~ Take your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
~ No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
~ Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
~ Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
**I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it may be better tomorrow.
**I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles a rainy day and lost luggage.
**I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
**I've learned that making a"living"is not the same thing as making a "life."
**I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
**I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
**I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
**I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
**People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
**I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
THE WORLD'S TOP INVENTIONS
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
MOTHERS
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:
Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
THE NEW DICTIONARY
Websters came out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern times Here are a few highlight of what's inside
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines. and one to tell your boss...
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
LITTLE KID'S INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
*"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching."
*"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
*"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
*"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
*"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
*"Never bug a pregnant mom."
*"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
*"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
*"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
*"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
*"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
*"Never try to baptize a cat."
*"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
*"Never do pranks at a police station."
*"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
*"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
*"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
*"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
*"Stay away from prunes."
*"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
*"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
*"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
*"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
THE JIGSAW
Everything I Needed To Know In Life I Learned From A Jigsaw Puzzle.......
Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.
When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.
Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.
Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.
When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see above).
The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.
Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.
Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.
Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.
Take time to celebrate your successes (even little ones).
Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.
EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS:
When in sorrow, call John 14.
When men fail you, call Psalm 27.
If you want to be fruitful, call John 15.
When you have sinned, call Psalm 51.
When you worry, call Matthew 6:19-34.
When you are in danger, call Psalm 91.
When God seems far away, call Psalm 139.
When your faith needs stirring, call Hebrews 11.
When you are lonely and fearful, call Psalm 23.
When you grow bitter and critical, call 1 Col. 13.
For Paul's secret to happiness, call Col. 3:12-17
For an idea of Christianity, call 11 Cor. 5:15-19.
When you feel down and out, call Romans 8:31.
When you want peace and rest, call Matt. 11:25-30.
When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalm 90.
When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121.
Your prayers grow narrow and selfish, call Psalm 67.
For a great invention/opportunity, call Isaiah 55.
When you want courage for a task, call Joshua 1.
How to get along with fellow men, call Romans 12.
When you think of investments/returns, call Mark 10.
If you are depressed, call Psalm 27.
If your pocketbook is empty, call Psalm 37.
If you're losing confidence in people, call 1 Cor. 13.
If people seem unkind, call John 15.
If discouraged about your work, call Psalm 126.
If you find the world growing small and yourself great, call Psalm 19.
NOTE: EMERGENCY NUMBERS may be DAILED DIRECT.
No operator assistance is necessary.
ALL LINES ARE OPEN TO HEAVEN 24 HOURS A DAY!
Pass these important numbers to everyone you know and make sure no one is left alone in an emergency!
12-STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAMME
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
PIZZA PLEASE
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your..."
Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokier Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year"
Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What !"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,...registration number E1123..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck she is.
2) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
3) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures what I'm doing.
5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 55
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this!
CONFUCIUS SAYS.....
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do"
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
TOP 10 REASONS YOU SHOULD TELL SOMEONE ABOUT JESUS TODAY
10. Another crown to lay at the feet of Jesus if they get saved.
9. You may not get another chance.
8. Someone told YOU about Jesus.
7. Everybody loves Good News.
6. You don't want to be lying when you sing "I love to tell the story."
5. It's the best way to show you care.
4. Hell is a real place.
3. Heaven is too.
2. Jesus told you to do it.
1. You love Him.
"...repentance and remission of sins should be preached in His name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. And YE are witnesses of these things." Luke 24:47-48
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD - FOR THE POLITICALLY CORRECT
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture-giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non-traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically-grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But Mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But Mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other since all woman were equally oppressed and would continue to be until all women are free.
"But Mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health."
Thus, Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource and hence believed that the natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society, all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out of the woods" and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house she passed Woodchopper, and wandered off the path in order to examine some flowers.She was startled to find herself before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my grandmother some healthful snack in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remarks offensive in the extreme. But I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative, and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path and proceeded towards her grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, western-style thought, the Wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's night clothes, crawled under the covers and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness, Grandma. What big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged," the Wolf said.
"And Grandma, what an enormous.... uh, what a fine nose you have! And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have."
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs and in a reaction appropriate
for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and
opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the Woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the Woodchopper.
"And what do you think you are doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood."If I let you help me now I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self-esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is a government arrest!" screamed the Woodchopper. But, nonetheless, Little Red Riding Hood made a sudden motion and the Woodchopper sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim here," said the Woodchopper "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks!" said the Woodchopper.
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the Woodchopper, on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and asked the Woodchopper if he had any antacids.
The End.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN 2004 WHEN...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "1" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth control!
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
"Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very expensive to remove.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amazing thing.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
ROD SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
IT'S SURE GREAT TO BE A GUY!
*Phone conversations last 30 seconds
*You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
*A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
*Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
*You can open all your own jars
*Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
*When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
*You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
*You can go to the bathroom alone
*Your last name stays put
*You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
*You can kill your own food
*The garage is all yours
*You see the humoUr in "Terms of Endearment"
*Cleaning the toilet is optional
*You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
*Wedding plans take care of themselves
*If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
*Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
*None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
*You don't have to shave below your neck
*You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
*If you're 34 and single, no one notices
*Chocolate is just another snack
*You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
*You never have to worry about other's feelings
*Three pair of shoes are more than enough
*You can say anything and not worry about what people think
*You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
*Car mechanics tell you the truth
*You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
*You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
*One mood, all the time
*You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
*Gray hair and wrinkles add character
*Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
*You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
*You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
*The remote is yours and yours alone
*You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
*If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
*If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
*The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
*If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
*You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
*If you retain water, it is in a canteen
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
*Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything
HERMENEUTICS IN EVERYDAY LIFE!
Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you exegete (interpret) the stop sign.
1. A post modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because he sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road.
3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop the car if the car in front of him does.
5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
6. A seminary educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2)a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: Rabbi Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."
8. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, He would never have wanted to stifle peoples progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
9. A NT (New Testament) scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen called "Q" street. There is an excellent 300 page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs, and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't explain the meaning of the text!
10. An OT (Old Testament) scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author on the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P.
11. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there.
12. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP."
13. A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world-north, south, east, and west) equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.
NHS LETTERS AND RECORDS:
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries at Rochdale Infirmary
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.
Stay away from hospitals !
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELING
Attached is some correspondence that actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my ONE bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item - I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used
bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean..
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly
use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a
lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under
the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What' s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
2. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friends.
3. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind
of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the
back of her head.
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIE INDUSTRY
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are easily affordable by just about anybody, whether they are employed or not.
At least one of each pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
Laptop computers are powerful enough to override or corrupt the communications/computer system of any invading alien society.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
No matter how many times you fire it, a six-shooter never has to be reloaded. This same rule applies to any gun being used by a bad guy in any police mystery movie.
No matter how long or how many miles a cowboy hero rides his horse at breakneck speed, the horse will never tire or slow down. This rule can be applied to bad guys if they are pursuing a train or stagecoach for the purpose of a hold-up.
When you turn out the lights to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Nobody knows why.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
If the hero in any move happens to be a jet fighter pilot, he can ride his motorcycle onto the flightline of any American military where a fully armed fighter will be fully fueled and ready for his use on a moment's notice.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war UNLESS you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
No matter where you stop in front of any major skyscraper in any major city, there is always a meter-free parking place near the main entrance.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
Even if you go into a Catholic Church at 2:00 a.m., there is always a priest ready and waiting to hear your confession on a moment's notice.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English rather than their native language.
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