A Christian joke for you each day

21/01/20 198. Touche!

Old Pete, the town tippler, made it a habit to sleep off his drunks in the church cemetery every Saturday night. On Sunday mornings the pastor of the church would have to go out before services and rouse him, and escort him home before the services began.
Finally he grew tired of the routine, and on Halloween, which fell on a Saturday night that year, he decided to do something about Old Pete. Borrowing his son's skull mask, and donning a choir robe, he settled down in the dark cemetery to await Old Pete's approach. He planned on scaring the devil out of the fellow, and teaching him a lesson.

Finally Old Pete staggered through the graveyard about midnight, unsteadily picking his way through the headstones in the light of the full harvest moon. Rising up from behind a large tombstone, the pastor, calling upon his seminary theatrical training, moaned and swayed in the dimness. Old Pete froze, quaking in his tracks.

"Lord, have mercy!" he cried, much to the satisfaction of the disguised pastor. "It's Death, come for me!"

"Pete..." intoned the preacher in his deepest pulpit tones. "It is time for you to come with me!"

"Don't take me Mr. Death," begged the inebriated fellow. "I'm not ready to go!"

The minister saw his chance. "Then repent, and change your ways." He raised a ghostly arm and pointed to the church. "Seek out the man of God yonder and he will guide you into the paths of life."

Old Pete slumped down next to a headstone. "That won't do any good," he groaned.

The pastor was taken aback. "Why not?" he asked, forgetting his spectral voice.

"Because," explained the downcast Pete, "the pastor of that church is as dead as any of the stiffs out here in the cemetery!"

20/01/20 197. Recipe for Revival?

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. 

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. 

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" 

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great confidence. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

19/01/20 196. Do You Have a BC?

The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote. 

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvellous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."

18/01/20 195. Atheist Holiday

An atheist complained to a Christian co-worker, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; . EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized holidays. It's an unfair discrimination." 

"What do you mean, atheists have no holidays," his friend replied, "People have been observing a special day in your honor for years." 

"I don't know what you're talking about," the atheist said, "When is this special day honoring atheists?" 

"April 1st."

17/01/20 194. And Then There Were None

10 little Christians standing in line. 1 disliked the preacher, then there were 9. 
9 little Christians stayed up very late. 1 overslept Sunday, then there were 8. 
8 little Christians on their way to Heaven. 1 took the low road and then there were 7. 
7 little Christians chirping like chicks. 1 disliked music, then there were 6. 
6 little Christians seemed very much alive, but one lost his interest then there was 5. 
5 little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore, but one stopped to rest, then there were 4. 
4 little Christians each busy as a bee. 1 got his feelings hurt, then there were 3. 
3 little Christians knew not what to do. 1 joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2. 
2 little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done, differed with each other, then there was 1. 

1 little Christian can't do much 'tis true, brought his friend to bible study, then there were 2. 
2 earnest Christians, each won one more. That doubled the number, then there were 4. 
4 sincere Christians worked early and late. Each won another then there were 8. 
8 splendid Christians if they doubled as before. In just so many Sundays, we'd have 1,024.

In this little jingle, there is a lesson true, you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew!

16/01/20 193. Prayer Posturing

"The proper way for man to pray," said Deacon Lemuel Keyes, "And the only proper attitude is down upon your knees."

"No, I should say the way to pray," said Reverend Dr. Wise, "Is standing straight with upraised arms and rapt and upturned eyes."

"Oh, no, no, no!" said Elder Sloe... "Such posture is too proud. A man should pray with eyes fast closed and head contritely bowed." 

"It seems to me his hands should be austerely clasped in front with both thumbs pointing downward," said Reverend Dr. Blunt.

15/01/20 192. 'Hushers'

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. 
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." 

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. 

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're 'hushers'."

14/01/20 191. The Best Lie

A pastor was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you boys doing with that dog?" 

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." 

Of course the pastor was scandalized. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

13/01/20 190. The Timid Witness

After being appointed to the church's evangelism and outreach committee, one particular member was quite nervous at having to make evangelistic visits. His Pastor comforted him by suggesting that he pray. "If you spend a few minutes talking with God prior to visiting someone, it should help." 

When the committee met again, the nervous parishioner approached the Pastor and said, "Thank-you so much for suggesting prayer. I tried it before I went on my visit and it really worked!" 

"I'm so pleased to hear that," the Pastor answered. "Why don't you share your experience with the rest of the committee so others may know of the power of prayer?" 

"Well," he replied, "I prayed that the people wouldn't be home, and they weren't."

12/01/20 189. Pride Goeth Before a Fall:

Five Americans, including a famous brain surgeon, a prominent minister of a large church, a college student, and the president of the National Mensa Society were flying across the Rockies in the same airplane. Suddenly the pilot emerged from the cockpit with four parachutes. As he strapped one on, he said, "We've developed mechanical difficulties and we're losing altitude." He tossed the three remaining chute packs on the floor, opened the hatch and jumped out.

Immediately, the brain surgeon stood up and said that since he could save lives with all of his skill and knowledge, he should have the first chute. The others agreed and he jumped from the plane. The Mensa Society president declared, "Since I am the leader of America's most intelligent people, I can do much to better the world. I deserve a parachute." Before the others could say a word, he snatched a pack from the hands of the student, slipped into the straps and jumped.

The minister immediately spoke up: "My friend, you are young and have many years ahead of you. I, on the other hand, have enjoyed a long life and am ready to meet my Maker. I want you to..."

"Relax, pastor," interrupted the student. "We can both have a parachute. One of the most intelligent people in the world just jumped out of this airplane with my bookbag on his back."

11/01/20 188. You Dirty Rat -- Er, Rodent...

A pastor was spending the Saturday afternoon at a house in the little country town where he preached. After lunch he was sitting out on the front porch with his host and his wife when their two children rushed up, one of them swinging a dead rat over his head by the tail. "Look, ma! Don't be afraid, it's dead," exulted the boy, oblivious to his mother's embarrassment. "Yeah, ma," shouted the girl. "We bashed him in the head with a stick, then we stoned him, then we took a rake to him, and we whacked him and hacked him until" - and then catching sight of the amused clergyman, she finished in a lowered, respectful voice - "until the good Lord called him home."

10/01/20 187. Bet You Can't Tell Just One...

The pastor had come home tired after a full day of visitation and counselling, when there was a knock at the door. A peek through the curtain revealed the pinched features of the church's resident busybody. "Oh, no," whispered the worn-out minister to his wife. "It's Miss Brisby! Tell her I went to bed early!" And he hurried upstairs to nominally justify the story by lying down on the bed.

After nearly an hour of reading and relaxing, he ventured out of the bedroom and listened at the top of the stairs. Not hearing anything, he started down, calling out to his wife, "Well, honey, did that dreadfully nosy old bore finally leave?"

As he finished the sentence he rounded the stair corner and saw his wife standing next to the woman in question. Both wore a shocked expression as they stared at him.

But his fast-thinking wife saved the day and said, "Yes, dear, she did; but now Mrs. Brisby is here and would love to see you! "

09/01/20 186. Stuck In A Rut...

An old gentleman at a small country church had given the same testimony at every meeting for the last twenty years. It was always, "I'm not making much progress, but Praise the Lord, I'm established." 

One rainy afternoon his car slipped off the narrow dirt road and into the ditch. Try as he could, he couldn't budge, but simply spun his tires. Along came a deacon who could never quite accept the old fellow's testimony. Stopping to look the situation over he said with a smile, "Well, Brother, I see you're not making much progress, but you 're sure established!"

08/01/20 185. All Together Now...

A worker was trying to get a large, heavy pulpit through the door of a church. A passerby, seeing his struggle, offered to help. They pushed and tugged until they were exhausted but it wouldn't move. Finally, the man on the inside said, "We'd better give up, we'll never get this out."

The volunteer on the outside end said, "What do you mean, get it out? I thought you were trying to get it in!"

07/01/20 184. Movin' On Up...

A lady whose husband's climb up the ladder to success led her to a more showy way of life changed to a better car, finer home, more expensive furs and a more socially-upscale church. After another major advance which landed her at the Mercedes-Benz stage, she paid a visit to her latest minister.

"I've had the feeling for some time that I should fit in better with my friends at another church," she sniffed, swinging her furs around her back and flashing her diamond rings. "What would be your opinion, sir?"

"My dear lady," the clergyman replied, "it matters little what kind of label you put on an empty bottle!"

06/01/20 183. Ten Signs Your Pastor Needs A Vacation

10. When he announces VBS he yells the word "VACATION" with special emphasis.
9. He has replaced the framed Ten Commandments in the foyer with a travel poster.
8. The bulletin cover has had pictures of Hawaii on it for the past 5 weeks.
7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "all right, listen up you heathens..." 
6. He falls asleep during his own sermon. 
5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top. 
4. Every time his pager goes off, he exhibits a facial tic and shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!" 
3. He wears scuba flippers, mask and snorkel to the baptism service.
2. You go to his office for counselling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me." 
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday: "Come Ye Apart and Rest A Little While."

05/01/20 182. Best Paid?

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. 

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." 

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

04/01/20 181. The Final Word

The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused and asked, "What more can I say, my friends, what more can I say?

From the back of the congregation came a voice that elicited a ripple of snickers. "Amen. it suggested.

03/01/20 180. Church Marquee Signs

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1" 
"Under same management for over 2000 years" 
"Soul food served here" 
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!" 
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday" 
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive" 
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!" 
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"

02/01/20 179. You Can't Win

The local post office received a letter addressed "To God." Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.

The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting. "Dear God," began the writer. "I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a nightwatchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us $1,000 and I won't bother you again."

The pastor read the name and one of the committee members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."

The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with $500, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.

Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgement. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow. "Dear God," it read. "I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me $1,000 to get these creditors off our backs. Thanks again. P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it."

01/01/20 178. Lateral Wisdom

A preacher stepped into the pulpit one Sunday morning with a Band-Aid on the side of his face. He explained at the start of his sermon, "I cut myself while shaving. I guess I was meditating on my sermon. 

An hour and fifteen minutes later a sleepy member of the congregation whispered to his wife, "He should have meditated on his shaving and cut his sermon!

May God shine through your life this year. Happy New Year. Kathy and David.

31/12/19 177. A Real Stayer

The sermon had gone on a long time. A visitor leaned over to the person next to him and asked, "How long has he been preaching?

Came the reply, "Almost thirty years. 

"Oh, said the stranger. "Guess I'll stay. He ought to be through soon.

30/12/19 176. A Real Prayer

A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington D.C., and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"

The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at the Congress, then prays for the country!"

29/12/19 175. Cash and Carry...

A miserly rich man was nearing the end and he called three of his closest friends to his bedside: a doctor, a minister and a lawyer.

"They always say that you can't take it with you, he wheezed. "But I'm going to prove them wrong. He handed each of them an envelope. "Inside each envelope is fifty thousand dollars, evenly divided from my estate. I want each of you to throw your envelope in the grave with me just before they cover me up. You are the only ones I could trust to carry out my last wishes. And so saying, he expired.

Several days later at graveside services, they did as he asked. The three friends walked away in silence. Presently the clergyman spoke. "I have a confession to make, he started. "The church has desperately needed some major repairs, so I kept back $10,000 of the money to do it.

This prompted the doctor. "I, too, friends, must confess: the hospital needed a new wing, so I only threw in $10,000 and have already given the rest to the building fund.

The lawyer stared at the two chagrined men. "Gentlemen! I am shocked, and ashamed of you for keeping back part of the money. He turned to leave, with a grim smile. "I'll have you know, friends, that I threw in a personal check for the entire amount!

28/12/19 174. Well, You Asked...

A young preacher, fresh out of seminary, was scheduled to deliver the sermon at a pastor's convention. Afterwards he asked an old pastor what he thought of his sermon. Kindly, he replied, "Young man, your sermon was like the peace and mercy of God.
Taking it as a compliment he pressed, "What do you mean?

"It was like the peace of God in that it passed all understanding, replied the pastor, "And the mercy of God in that I thought it would endure forever.

27/12/19 173. Oops!

A young preacher was visiting a man in an oxygen tent in a hospital room. Standing by the bed he asked the elderly gentleman how he was feeling, but the patient merely grunted. Undeterred, the minister opened his Bible and began to read. 
 
Soon he noticed a change come over the man. His eyes started bulging and his face began to turn red. Sensing the end was near, the pastor asked if he had any message, or last words. The man nodded weakly, motioning to something beside the bed. Spotting a table, the sympathetic pastor picked up a pad and pencil and passed it to the man under the oxygen tent. The man wrote something, stuffed it in the preacher's hand, then died. 
Shaken, the preacher stepped out of the room. Remembering the note, and realizing the importance of the man's last words, he uncrumpled the paper and read the hastily scrawled words: "You're standing on my oxygen line."

26/12/19 172. Sympathy

A minister joined a new acquaintance on the golf course, hoping to bring the subject around to church. The course adjoined a cemetery, and as they neared the next hole they observed a funeral procession coming down the road. As it passed their location the man stopped, solemnly removed his hat, and bowed his head till it passed. The minister, touched by his reverence, remarked, "I must say, friend. That was a most heart-warming display of sympathy. I'm touched by your show of respect. 

The golfer replaced his cap. "It's the least I could do, he said as he resumed rolling his golf bag to the green. "After all, she was my wife for 18 years.

25/12/19 171. Gee, thanks!

While working on a message the pastor heard a knock at his office door. "Come in," he invited.

A contrite-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a large pig on a rope.. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man with his hat in his hand. Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly. The pig proceeded to sniff around the office. With one eye on the animal and one on the man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, curious to hear the fellow's story. "What can I do for you?"

"My family is hungry," started the man. "So I stole this pig. But I feel that I have sinned. Would you please take it?"

"Certainly not," said the minister.

"Then what should I do with it?" asked the man.

"Give it back to the man you stole it from, of course!" the pastor explained.

"I offered it to him, but he refused to take it. Now what should I do?"

"In that case," the minister said, "It would be all right for you to keep it and feed your family."

That seemed to settle things as far as the man was concerned. "Thank you for your help, sir." With a lighter step, he walked out of the office, leading the pig on the rope behind him.

Later that afternoon when the minister returned home, he said to his wife as he walked in, "Have I got a story to tell you."

"I have something to tell you first," she exclaimed. "Someone has stolen your prize pig!"

Remembering Jesus today. Christmas greetings. David and Kathy

24/12/19 170. Vested Interest

A rather well-dressed man called on the minister and told him a distressing story of poverty and misery in the neighborhood.

"This poor widow," he said, "with four starving children to feed, is sick in bed with no money for the doctor, and besides that, she owes $350 rent for three months and is about to be evicted. I'm out trying to help raise the rent money. I wondered if you can help?"
"I certainly can," said the minister. "If you can give your time to this cause, so can I. By the way, who are you?"

"I'm the landlord," said the man.

23/12/19 169. A Valuable Animal

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?" 

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new Protestant church down the road apiece, and they'll take in just about anybody. Maybe they'll do something for the animal." 

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why, didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

General Enquiries and Comments: laugh@wwj.org.nz
To Subscribe: lao-on@wwj.org.nz
To Unsubscribe: lao-off@wwj.org.nz