A Christian joke for you each day

21/06/18 God Speaks Billboards

Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of
all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

I love you and you and you and you and... -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God

Follow me. -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

Need directions? -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

Don't make me come down there. -God

20/06/18 Picture the Scene:

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. 

(Moses) Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us. 

(General) Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close. 

(Admiral) Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short. 

(Moses) Does anyone have a solution? 

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand. 

(Moses) You! You have a solution? 

(PRMan) No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

19/06/18 A Direct Line

Little 5 yr old John ran to his Grandmother one rainy winter morning. 

"Nana! Do they have telephones in Heaven? I've got to call God right now!" he said. 

"John, why do you have to call God?" she asked. 

"Because I've been praying and praying for snow all morning and look, He made a mistake. All its doing is raining!"

18/06/18 Shakespeare

Q. What was William Shakespeare's favourite book of the bible? 

A. The book of Acts

17/06/18 All Original

What a good thing Adam had going. When he said something he knew nobody had said it before.

15/06/18 Needed

A pastor had a practice of leaving his pulpit for a brief time during the morning service. While one of his staff made the announcements, he went to tell a Bible story to the children in children's church. One new member didn't understand. One day he said to the minister, "Pastor, you're the first preacher I ever saw who takes a coffee break during the service."

14/06/18 It's An Ill Wind.....

After coming out of the water, a new member exclaimed, "Good grief, preacher, I forgot to remove my wallet from these trousers. It's dripping wet." "Hallelujah," exulted the preacher, "We could stand more baptized wallets."

13/06/18 Bulletin Bleepers Keep Coming

!!! The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

!!! Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

!!! The agenda was adopted . . . the minutes were approved. . . the financial secretary gave a grief report.

!!! Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

!!! The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

!!! Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine:
Name: Bertha Belch
!!! Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

!!! Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes Meals."

!!! Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

!!! Will the ladies of the Willing Workers who have towels which belong to the kitchen please bring them to the church on Friday as we need them for supper.

12/06/18 New Services

A church congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday.

There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who'd lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had bad experiences with churches and were complaining about it.

The church came up with names for each of the services: FINDERS, KEEPERS, LOSERS, WEEPERS.

11/06/18 My Mother

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

10/06/18 This Modern World

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

09/06/18 Palm Sunday

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

08/06/18 Backwards

One Sunday after the morning service the vicar asked his verger, "Should I put more fire into my sermons?" The verger replied, "In my opinion, vicar, you should put more sermons into your fire."

 
Back after a break recovering from malaria plus. David

27/05/18 The Cure-ate

A Curate was visiting his local medical centre when a nun came rushing out, screaming. When he went in to see his doctor, he asked, "As I was coming in I met a nun running away in great distress. Is she alright?" 

"Oh, yes," smiled the doctor, "I've just told her that she's pregnant." 

"And is she?" 

"No," replied the doctor, "but it's cured her hiccups."

26/05/18 Two or Four

A little boy asked his mother why the vicar got four weeks' holiday a year, while his dad only had two weeks. His mother answered, "Well, if he's a good vicar, he needs it. If he isn't, the congregation needs it."

25/05/18 Can't Hear

The rector of a church in Nottinghamshire (England) was visiting an aged and ailing parishioner. She fixed him with a stern gaze. "When I die, rector," she insisted, "I want you to take my funeral. I can't hear that young curate at all."

24/05/18 Left Handed

The story told of a little girl and her mom discussing the morning Sunday school class. The child told her mom that they talked about Jesus is going up to heaven, and that He is now sitting beside God. As they continued to look at the Sunday school paper, the mother noticed a picture of a rainbow. She said, "Look at that beautiful rainbow that God pointed for us!" The little girl replied, "And just think, Mommy, God did it all with His left hand." The mother replied, "What do you mean? Can't God use both His hands?" The girl stated, "Of course not, Mom, my Sunday school teacher said that Jesus is sitting on His right hand."

23/05/18 The Pensive Parrot

One day an elderly priest confides in his parishioners that he's feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the priest that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the priest hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.

Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the priest.

After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the priest walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the priest in even more colourful language.

Finally the priest has had it and says, "All right, that's it. Grabbing a blanket, the priest throws it over the parrot's cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the priest removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the priest again.

By this time, the priest is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the priest is considering killing the bird. Just as he's thinking this, it gets very...very quiet.

At first the priest just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.

The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you father. In the future, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary."

The priest is astounded. He can't believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the priest and says, "Um.... by the way father, what did the chicken do?"

22/05/18 The Real Oil

This man and lady couldn't have any children, so they went to the pastor and asked for prayer. 

The pastor prayed for them and annointed them with oil. 

Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplet babies. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about?" he asked. 

She replied "I'm just glad you used three in one oil and not WD40."

21/05/18 The Truth

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signalled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

20/05/18 The Deserved Gift

I recall a story my father used to tell about a pastor who had been at a church for 20 years. To show their appreciation for all his years of faithful service, the congregation decided to collect an offering and buy him a new car. So on the Sunday of his anniversary they had a special reception in honour of the pastor and his wife. Lots of visitors come in for the occasion. Near the end of the reception, the chairman of the deacons got
up and presented the keys to a brand new Lincoln Town Car to the pastor. The pastor was so overwhelmed he really did not know what to say. After taking a few moments to collect himself, he addressed the congregation and said, "I just want you to know that I really do not appreciate this, but I sure do deserve it!"

19/05/18 Will Travel

I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said,
"Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

18/05/18 Working.....

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey,
Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

17/05/18 Top Ten Things People Won't Say

Top Ten Things People Won't Say When They See the Christian Bumper Sticker or the more Subtle Fish Symbol On Your Car:

10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."

9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians - they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."

8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters."

7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"

6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?" "Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?"

5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"

4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."

3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert - it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."

2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."

1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"

16/05/18 Church Hospital

I was going to Parkview Hospital in Fort Wayne to visit our pastor who had recently broken his arm. The hospital has a large cross above the entrance. Little Jennifer asked, "Why is there a cross there?" When I couldn't come up with an answer, Jennifer (who knew her pastor was there) said, "Probably it's because the hospital is for church people!"

15/05/18 Reality

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. 

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" 

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."

14/05/18 A Dog Named Mace

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. 

The grass eventually became overgrown. 

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.

The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

13/05/18 Ever More Bulletin Ploopers - Oops! Bloopers!

!!! Christmas Fayre. A good chance to get rid of anything unwanted. Bring your husbands.

!!! Hymn 2376 I heard the voice of Jesus say "The collection is taken during this hymn"

!!! Next Week's Sunday Services - Sunday 7th November 5.30pm Service Evensnog. 

!!! Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

!!! Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

!!! For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

!!! Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! 

!!! This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

!!! The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

!!! Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

!!! The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

!!! Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

!!! Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

!!! Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 

!!! Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

!!! The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

10/05/18 Good For Nothing

As I approached the church entrance a friend stepped aside and held the door for me.

"Thank you, Bill," I said as I walked through.

"Is there a tip involved?"

"Oh, no, Mary Catherine," he answered. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing."

09/05/18 The Minster and the Paint

A Minister had a group of trustees over to paint the parsonage. It was getting late and it looked like they were going to run out of paint, but by that time the paint store was closed. The pastor looked and noted that it was water based paint, so they added water to thin the paint and finished the job.

That night it rained cats and dogs. The pastor worried that the paint which wasn't dry would be washed from the house. Sure enough, in the morning all the paint to which they had added water was washed from the house. At that moment the clouds parted and the pastor heard a voice from above. It said "Repaint and thin no more."

General Enquiries and Comments: laugh@wwj.org.nz
To Subscribe: lao-on@wwj.org.nz
To Unsubscribe: lao-off@wwj.org.nz