A Christian joke for you each day

24/11/17 383. What Now?

The young priest rushed into his superior's office. "Father Murphy," he exclaimed. "Come quick! Our Savior is in our church!"

The two clerics rushed into the church and sure enough, there was the Lord Jesus praying at the Altar.

"What should we do?" whispered young Father McLaughlin.

"Try to look busy!" answered the older priest.

23/11/17 382. More Kids Letters To God

DEAR GOD:

If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Ralph

Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

22/11/17 381. Getting What You Deserve

Matt, Kimo, and Ken are killed in a car accident and end up at St. Peter's gates. Matt is told by St. Peter that a wife has been chosen for him for eternity. St. Peter then introduces Matt to his new mate, who is ugly and not to the Matt's liking. Matt says "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter answers, "You killed 10 birds in your lifetime, and this is the eternal result."

Kimo is then introduced to his eternal wife who is even uglier than Matt's wife. Kimo grumbles, "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter replies, "While you lived, you killed 20 birds, and this is the eternal result."

Ken nervously approaches St. Peter but is overjoyed to meet his new wife, a beautiful woman any man would be thrilled to have. Kimo asks "What did I do to deserve this?" St. Peter responds, "You? It was her...she killed 30 birds!"

21/11/17 380. Just Checking

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," Eve charged.

"Don't be ridiculous, honey," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

20/11/17 379. Too Much To Bare

A Preacher, a missionary, and an overweight tenor from the church choir are visiting Israel when, all of a sudden, they are captured by Arab terrorists. They are informed by these terrorists that they are going to be shot.

The Preacher said, "We are men of God. You can't shoot us!" 

When the terrorists refused, the Preacher asked the terrorists for one last request each.

"Okay," said the terrorist chief, "one last request each - but keep it short."

The Preacher says, "I would like to give a two hour sermon and not have anyone in my audience leave or fall asleep." 

The tenor says, "I would like to give a two hour concert of my favorite hymns."

"And what about you?" the terrorist chief asked the missionary.

"Oh please!" said the missionary, kneeling with his hands raised in supplication. "Shoot me first!"

19/11/17 378. Superbowl XXXIII - aftermath

After John Elway dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows John a tiny two-bedroom house with a raggedy Broncos banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, John. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

John looks at the house, then turns around and sees one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns, flowing fountains, a rolling lawn, and splendid patios. Flags for the State of Georgia line both sides of the sidewalk, and a huge Atlanta Falcons banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, Lord," says John, "but let me ask you a question. I get this dinky little two-bedroom house, but Chris Chandler gets a mansion with brand new Falcon banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile God says, "That's not Chandler's house. It's mine."

18/11/17 377. Not To Be Outdone

During Sunday services, a Pastor is so overwhelmed with religious fervor that he drops to his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and says "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

Not to be outdone, the Deacon also gets down on his knees, puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

Moved by their humility, a layman in the fourth row steps into the aisle. He falls down on his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing."

The Deacon, noticing the guy, elbows the Pastor. "So," he whispers. "Look who thinks he's nothing."

17/11/17 376. Dear God:

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce.

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. Eugene

Our school teacher told us that Thomas Edison invented light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

16/11/17 375. The Microschlock Bible

(A parody. Adapted by Bellgamin)
Customer: Oh salesclerk, could you help me please?

Clerk: Hi, my name is Velma and I'll be your Support. What's your problem?

Customer: The book of Psalms is missing from this Bible I bought here yesterday.

Clerk: Try looking again. Maybe Psalms will be there this time.

Customer: No, it's still missing.

Clerk: Maybe it's the way you're using the Bible. Try opening it from the back instead of the front.

Customer: Even when I open it from the back, Psalms is still missing.

Clerk: Maybe the Bible is incompatible with your eyeglasses. Did you wear READING glasses while you used this Bible?

Customer: I don't need glasses. My eyesight is perfect.

Clerk: Hmmm...if you say so. Well, it might be a configuration problem. How was the Bible set up?

Customer: They just handed it to me in a cardboard box. What has that got to do with the fact that Psalms is missing?

Clerk: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the book of Psalms was missing?

Customer: I took it out of the box, of course!

Clerk: Oh oh! That could be the cause of your problem. Anyway, that Bible is rather out-dated technology. Have you considered upgrading to our most recent version?

Customer: You folks have updated the Bible?

Clerk: Certainly. We just issued Bible-98, version 2.1. It comes with 100 free hours on the internet, plus one full year of Tech Support.

Customer: Okay, bring me Bible-98. I'm running late now.

Clerk: Here you are sir. Bible-98, the latest thing.

Clerk starts to leave.

Customer: (Examines Bible) Hey, wait a minute! What are all these extra pages glued in between the Bible pages? I didn't ask for those.

Clerk: No problem sir. They can be removed for a slight extra cost. Of course, doing so will void the warranty and your Bible might not function properly without them.

(And so it goes. Er..... did anybody say McWindoze?)

15/11/17 374. Church-o-logical Definitions

AMEN - the part of a prayer that everyone understands.

BULLETIN - a claim check to show your Mom you went to church.

CHOIR - a group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN - a song of praise sung three octaves higher than an operatic soprano can reach.

CLOSING HYMN - the last song in the service, usually sung softly so as not to awaken the children.

JESUITS - an order of priests known for their ability to establish colleges with good basketball teams.

JUSTICE - when your kids have kids of their own.

MANGER - where Mary gave birth because Joseph didn't have MediCare.

OFFERATORY PROCESSION - when the ushers come forward to receive the offering, followed by late visitors looking for seats.

PEW - seating designed to punish you for your sins.

12/11/17 373. Touche!

Melba was a Christian lady who did a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along, because reading it relaxed her.

One time Melba was sitting next to a man. When he saw Melba reading her Bible he chuckled and said, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

Melba replied "Of course I do. It is the word of God."

"Well what about that guy who was swallowed by that whale? You don't believe that, do you?" the man asked.

Melba smiled. "You mean Jonah? Of course I believe it. God doesn't tell fairy tales."

The fellow snorted and asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

Melba said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

"What if Jonah isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." Melba replied quietly.

11/11/17 372. 'Heblish'

Old Simpson, a stubborn opponent of changing anything, was a constant thorn in the side of the Parent-Teachers Association. For one thing, he was loudly against the introduction of foreign languages in the town's junior high school curriculum. 

Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted, "If English was good enough for the prophets and the apostles, it's plenty good enough for me."

10/11/17 370. Some Evil

A lady had been teaching her three-year-old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime the girl repeated it after her. One night the three-year old said she was ready to solo. The lady listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.

"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail."

09/11/17 369. John

After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday School Class was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like.

One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary, and the infant Jesus, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene, asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy replied, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."

08/11/17 368. The Lord's Prayer

The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret.
One little boy said "Harold be Thy name." 

Two other lesser known prayers though are a little girl saying: "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."

07/11/17 367. Sad

A Navy Commander began teaching Sunday School for young children. One Sunday, the Pastor asked one of the Commander's 4-year old students what she had learned that day.


"Well," she said, "I learned all about the ten commanders. Isn't it sad that they're always broke?"

05/11/17 68. Doggie Religion

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realised it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

 

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptised, too."

04/11/17 66. If Only!!

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

 

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

 

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

03/11/17 65. 'No Excuse' Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'

 

1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, 'Sunday is my only day to sleep in.'

 

2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.'

 

3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.

 

4.There will be hearing aids for those who say, 'The pastor speaks too softly,' and cotton for those who say, 'He preaches too loudly.'

 

5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

 

6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

 

7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.

 

8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.

31/10/17 366. Greenies

Four-year-old Jimmy attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was "Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth." His mother asked Jimmy what he had learned. He immediately told her all about "Jesus and the 12 recycles."

30/10/17 365. Absent?

A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote: "Dear God, we had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there."

29/10/17 364. Multiple Outlets

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church.

"It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."

28/10/17 363. Come Out

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell us more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys."

27/10/17 362. No Longer Home

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

26/10/17 361. What Chapter

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Pastor to seek his advice. He tells the Pastor about all of his problems in the business and asks the Pastor what he should do.

The Pastor says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Pastor. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Pastor a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Pastor for his wonderful advice. The Pastor is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11."

25/10/17 360. Having the Preacher for Dinner

In a small town way out in the country, a local farmer invited the new preacher and his wife to come out to the farm for supper. While the women were finishing preparations in the kitchen, the men talked in the living room. The farmer was in the middle of telling the preacher that because he was sure that most ministers liked chicken, that's what he had asked his wife to prepare. The farmer's son, playing nearby, spoke up and said, "But I thought it was 'buzzard', not 'chicken' that we were eating today."

"Of course not, where did you ever get that idea?" demanded the farmer.

"Well, I overheard you telling mommy that we ought to hurry up and have the 'old buzzard'" for dinner and get it over with."

24/10/17 359. Can You Spell "GOD"?

Three people from different parts of the country passed away at the same time. All were met at the gates by St. Peter. The first was an architect from California. Peter said, "You've built beautiful buildings and served men on earth, but before you come in you have to pass one small test, spell 'God'". "G-O-D," replied the architect and St. Peter waved him through.

The second person to approach was a rancher from Texas. Peter looked at him and said, "You've served man upon the earth by providing food through the cattle you've raised but before you come in there's just one small test, spell 'GOD'". "G-O-D", said the rancher and Peter waved him through.

The third person was an attractive businesswoman from New York. Peter said, "You've served the world of commerce, but before you come in you'll have to pass one small test." At this the woman interrupted, "Oh come on now Saint," said the woman, "I've had to fight for every promotion I've ever gotten. I've had to take lower pay for the same job as a male colleague, and I've been continually harassed by bosses and peers for one reason, my gender. And now here I am and you're giving me a hard time too; what kind of test? Let's get it over with."

Peter thought for a moment and said, "Spell Czechoslovakia"

23/10/17 358. Isaiah and His Horse

A young lad came home from church one day, and his mother asked him what he had learned in Sunday school. He said, "We learned about Isme."

Not remembering that name in the Bible, his mother asked, "Who is Isme?" "I guess it was a horse, the horse a man by the name of Isaiah rode." "What are you talking about, there's no mention in the Bible of Isaiah riding a horse", the mother responded.

"Well, he must have", said the young boy. My teacher read from the place where Isaiah said "Woah, Isme!"

22/10/17 357. Job Description For The Pastor

As nearly everyone knows, the Pastor has practically nothing to do except -

Decide what is to be done;
Tell somebody to do it;
Listen to reasons why it should not be done;
Listen to reasons why it should be done by someone else;
Listen to reasons why it should be done in a different way;
Follow up to see if the thing has been done;
Discover that it has not;
Inquire why;
Listen to excuses from the person who should have done it;
Follow up again to see if the thing has been done, only to
Discover that it has been done incorrectly;
Point out how it should have been done;
Conclude that as long as it has been done, though incorrectly, it may as well be left as it is;
Wonder if it is not time to get rid of the person who cannot do a thing right;
Reflect that certainly any successor would be just as bad, or even maybe worse;
Consider how much simpler and better the thing would have been done if one had done it himself in the first place;
Reflect sadly that one could have done it right in twenty minutes, and as things turned out, one has to spend two days to find out why it has taken three weeks for somebody else to do it wrong.

21/10/17 356. Business Is Business

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news.

Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

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