A Christian joke for you each day

21/09/21 WAY BACK

The following conversation was overheard at a party attended by high society people:

"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second lady and said, "And how far does your family go back?"

"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the Flood."

20/09/21 THE PIG AND THE COW

Did you hear about the town's richest man who met with the minister after the Sunday service?


"Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die."

The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it.

'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not popular and you are. Why do you think that is?'

The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I give while I'm still alive.'"

15/09/21 GLADLY

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. 

It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"

14/09/21 KINDNESS TO ANIMALS

A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to substantiate his case. 

"Now let's suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?" 

"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder."

13/09/21 TERRIBLE FEAR

A little girl visited a large church for the first time. 

She was surprised to see the choir members enter the sanctuary wearing choir robes and whispered in dismay to her mother: "They're not all going to preach, are they?"

12/09/21 FIREWORKS

It was the Fourth of July and the fireworks had lit up the sky. 

As the last one burned out, a four-year-old piped up, "Daddy, do God's feet ever get burned?"

11/09/21 QUICK QUIPS

Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family! (Donna Eaker)

As Noah remarked as the animals were entering the Ark, 'Now I herd
everything.' (Bennett Cerf)

10/09/21 NO ARMS

A man with no arms and a pastor are talking 

No arms - I want to help your church !
Pastor - How can you with no arms ?
No arms - I could ring the church bell !
Pastor - How ?
No arms - I could stand in the middle of it and bang my head on the sides !
Pastor - We will try it for a few weeks and if there's no complaints then you can keep the job .
No arms - thanks !

For 12 weeks he rings the bell and is forgotten by the pastor because of his busy schedule 

One Sunday morning the No armed man climbs the stairs and just as he's stepping into the middle of the bell he falls and lands at the bottom of the stairs unconscious 
The church members find him and run to the pastor. They all come running to the man.
Hey pastor ! Do you now this man's name ?

Pastor - No ! But his face rings a bell !!

09/09/21 THE RICHEST MAN

"Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die." 

The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it. 

'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not popular and you are. Why do you think that is?' 

The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I give while I'm still alive.'"

08/09/21 LORD, HEAR MY PRAYER

I'm sure you have all heard (and maybe prayed) the prayer: "Lord, give me patience, and give it to me right now!" The following list of similar prayers has been made up. As usual, the author is unknown.

God, help me to begin relaxing about little details tomorrow at 11:41:32 am.

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right!

Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

Lord, keep me open to the ideas of others, wrong though they may be!

Lord help me to stand up for my rights! (If you don't mind my asking)

Lord, help me to finish everything I sta.....

Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually not my fault!

God, help me keep my mind on one th.... LOOK, A BIRD! ... ing at a time.

God, help me to slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.Amen!

31/08/21 Q & A

Q. What passage is the first act of cannabalism recorded in the Bible?
A. 2 Kings 8:1
( Two Kings ate one, geddit? Never mind, try another )

Q. Who is the shrewdest businessman in the Bible?
A. Naoh, because he floated his stock while everyone else went into liquidation.

Q. Why do people think Noak wore a wig?
A. Because sometimes he was seen with Aaron and sometimes without Aaron.
( 'air on! Oh, do keep up )

Q. Who was the best baby sitter in the Bible?
A. David, because he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Who was the first tennis player in the bible?
A. Jospeh, when he served in the King's court.

Q. Who is the largest person in the Bible?
A. The women of Samaria.
( Samaria. Sum area. No? OK, we'll let you off that one)

Q. Who is the smallest person in the Bible?
A. Nehemiah.
( Knee-high-Miah. What do you mean you heard it before? Tch! )

Q. Who is the fastest man in the Bible?
A. Adam because he was first in the human race.

Q. Where was the first ice cream parlour in the bible?
A. Walls of Jericho.
( Walls make ice cream in the UK. Non-UK residents are excused this one )

Q. Who was the only orphan in the bible?
A. Joshua, Son of Nun.

Q. Who was the first person to ride a motorbike in the Bible?
A. Joshua: his Triumph was heard throughout the land.

30/08/21 CHRISTMAS CHEER

As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs. He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!! "You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf." "I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."

29/08/21 NEW BELL RINGER

Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"

..wait for it...
wait for it.....

.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly, " But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless camponologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs...... "What as happened? Who is this man?" they cried. " I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........

wait for it.......
wait for it
wait for it

........." I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

28/08/21 MY DAD'S BETTER THAN YOUR DAD!

When Jesus was a kid He was sitting around with some friends. One of the kids says "My dads a fireman and he's better than yours!" ; another says "Well my dads a police man so he's better than yours!" Jesus looks at this and says "Well my Dads God, and He created you, you, you, and you,...."

27/08/21 GOOD SERMON

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"

26/08/21 NO CHRISTIANS IN HEAVEN?

Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet? Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..."

25/08/21 FLATTERY

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

24/08/21 THE COST OF LIVING

God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?" Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."
God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"

23/08/21 DOMESTIC PROBLEMS

Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.

Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."

22/08/21 A TROUBLESOME FRUIT

It wasn't the apple that caused the trouble in the Garden of Eden, it was the pair on the ground.

21/08/21 A STRANGE COMBINATION

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?....

Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

20/08/21 THE ANGRY ATHIEST

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

19/08/21 GOOD KING WENCELESLAS (Warning: This one will make you groan!)

Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?

18/08/21 THE BRUTAL TRUTH!

A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I'd like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn't a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied, "I'd like to speak to the head hog, because I'm going to donate £75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."

17/08/21 NIETZCHE

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche.

The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

16/08/21 GOLIATH'S GRIEF!

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.

15/08/21 THE CONFUSED SAMARITAN

A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

14/08/21 MISSING MISSIONARY AND THE SICK CANNIBAL

Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary? He boiled him when he was a friar!

13/08/21 THE CONTEMPLATIVE VICAR

A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."

12/08/21 NEW PASTOR

Our church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.

"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."

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