A Christian joke for you each day

26/08/19 52. The Latest Translation

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

25/08/19 50. Could This Be True?

A British clergyman struggled along with a small congregation in a small neighborhood. A commercial firm offered to supply free hymn books, provided they could insert a bit of discreet advertising into the hymnals. The pastor was reluctant but finally agreed. When the hymnals arrived, he eagerly examined them and was delighted to find no brash advertisements on or inside the covers. 

The next Sunday, his flock began to sing from the hymnals. All went well until the third song, in which the congregation lifted their voices in unison to the melodious notes of:

Hark the herald angels sing,
Hanson's pills are just the thing;
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
Two for men and one for child.

24/08/19 49. A Toothless Warning...

"Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping, wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world." 

"What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy. 

"Teeth will be provided!"

23/08/19 48. How Many Christians Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.

PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.

BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

METHODISTS: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved - you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, October 14. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

AMISH: What's a light bulb?

22/08/19 47. True Faith!

Three nuns were returning to the convent after a day of volunteer nursing at a local medical care centre. They were travelling along a back road when their car stopped.

After a quick memory search, they remembered they had forgotten to get gas the last time out.

As they were deciding which one would walk for to a gas station, a pickup truck drove up. The driver had plenty of gas and offered some, but he didn't have anything to put it in.

The nuns realized they had the ideal container for the donated gas, they thanked the driver and he went on his way.

A few minutes later an eighteen wheeler came down the road and saw the nuns pouring the contents of a bed pan into their gas tank.

The driver nudged his partner and said, "That's what I call true faith."

21/08/19 46. Know We Will Have The Perfect Church When We Hear

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the junior high Sunday school class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.

17/08/19 45. The Real Truth

Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and wanted to write a suitable inscription. He racked his brain until suddenly he remembered that his father had a
book with an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided to use it.

You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book, a Bible, and found neatly inscribed the following phrase: "To Grandma, with the compliments of the author."

16/08/19 44. Covering the Bases.....

A five-year-old girl who was squirting passersby with a garden hose became furious when her father rushed out and took the hose away.

Kicking and screaming as he carried her into the house, she yelled out, "I'm going to tell Jesus and God and Santa Claus on you!"

09/08/19 43. Prophetic? A True Story

My appointment as pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane. 

Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the centre page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page: "Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family... the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known." --RD

08/08/19 42. Healthy Lessons?

Two fellows died at ripe old ages and went on to Heaven. It was, of course, the most beautiful, wonderful place imaginable.

One of them, eyes misting with tears, remarked to the other, "Isn't this marvelous?"

His friend replied. "Yes! And to think we could have gotten here so much sooner if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran!"

07/08/19 41. Whose Funeral?

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,

"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."

06/08/19 40. Genesis 3:C-D

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

05/08/19 39. Heavenly Reward?

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

04/08/19 38. Who's For a Wedding?

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

03/08/19 37. Saved For Sure!

A friend of mine and her husband were on vacation. They visited an Episcopal Church on Sunday. The pews in this older church were in those little, box-like enclosures that have a "gate" entry to each one.

My friend likes to sit close to the front. So they entered a pew in the second row.

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on the gate, and said, "This pew is saved."

Her husband replied, "So are WE!"

02/08/19 36. A Good Question

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

31/07/19 35. Help?

Several women were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her; "We will keep you in our prayers."

"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."

30/07/19 34. Church Bulletin Bloopers Continue

*** Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs Martha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs Crutchfield and Mrs Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

*** Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 

*** The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julie Belzer.

*** This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

*** On Tuesday there will be an ice cream social at 4pm. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

29/07/19 33. The Joys Of Marriage

A newly married pastor was taking a walk with his father one day, who asked how he was enjoying his young wife's home cooking.

The pastor replied, "My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after we eat."

28/07/19 32. A Tricky Tipple

Knowing that the minister was very fond of Cherry Brandy, one of the church elders offered to give him a bottle on one condition. ' that he acknowledge receipt of the gift in the Church Bulletin.

The next Sunday, the elder turned at once to the 'Appreciation' column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."

27/07/19 31. Back in Time

A little boy opened the big old family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the pages. Suddenly something fell out. It was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. 

He yelled out to his mum, "Mum, come hear quick, I think I've found Adam's underwear!"

26/07/19 30. The Heavenly Artist

A Sunday School teacher began their lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do you know about God?"

A hand immediately shot up in the air. "He is an artist," said the youngster.

Really, "How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know ' Our Father, who does art in heaven'.."

25/07/19 29. Even More Bulletin Bloopers

*** The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his death.

*** Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

*** The 8th Graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement this Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

*** The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

*** Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

24/07/19 28. Who's Lying?

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I'm going to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The Following Sunday he asked for a show of hands as to how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. (Shouldn't need to continue this but'..)

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

23/07/19 27. More Signs Outside Churches

IF SOME PEOPLE LIVED UP TO THEIR IDEALS THEY WOULD BE STOOPING

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT HEAVEN AND HELL BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK.

PRAY UP IN ADVANCE

YOU THINK IT'S HOT HERE? ( In an Arizona Church in August)

I WAS GOING TO WASTE BUT JESUS RECYLED ME

K-MART IS NOT THE ONLY SAVING PLACE

22/07/19 26. Hymns For The Ageing

--Precious Lord, Take My Hand (And Help Me Stand Up)

--It Is Well With My Soul (But My Back Hurts)

--Nobody Knows The Trouble I Have Seeing

--Amazing Grace (I've Got This Far)

--Just A Slower Walk With Thee

--Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One By One

--Go Tell It On The Mountain ( And Speak Up)

--Give Me That Old Timers Religion

--Blessed Insurance

--Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've Forgotten Where I Parked)

21/07/19 25. The Lord's Army

A friend was walking out of church in front of me, where he waited to shake hands with the pastor. The pastor grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. "You need to join the Army of the Lord," said the pastor.

"I already belong," said my friend.

"Well how come we don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

My friend whispered back confidentially, "I'm in the Secret Service."

20/07/19 24. Still more Church Bulletin Bloopers

*** The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

*** A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church on Wednesday.

*** Next Sunday Mrs Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

*** Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be cancelled until further notice.

*** Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All."

19/07/19 23. The Flight To Egypt

A Sunday School teacher ask her class to draw a picture of their favourite Bible story. 

All were beautiful, deep but understandable until she came to Johnny. For Johnny's picture showed four people on an aeroplane. 

"What's that? she asked. "Oh, the flight to Egypt," Johnny replied.

"I see'. And that must be Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus," she said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius ' the Pilot!"

18/07/19 22. Heavenly Guidance

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write his sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

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