A Christian joke for you each day

17/12/18 A TROUBLESOME FRUIT

It wasn't the apple that caused the trouble in the Garden of Eden, it was the pair on the ground.

16/12/18 A STRANGE COMBINATION

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?....

Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

15/12/18 THE ANGRY ATHIEST

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

14/12/18 THE BRUTAL TRUTH!

A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I'd like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn't a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied, "I'd like to speak to the head hog, because I'm going to donate £75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."

13/12/18 NIETZCHE

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. 

The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

12/12/18 MISSING MISSIONARY AND THE SICK CANNIBAL

Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary? He boiled him when he was a friar!

11/12/18 GOLIATH'S GRIEF!

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.

10/12/18 THE CONFUSED SAMARITAN

A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

09/12/18 THE CONTEMPLATIVE VICAR

A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."

08/12/18 NEW PASTOR

Our church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.

"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."

07/12/18 TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

06/12/18 YOUNG FAITH

Little 5 yr old John ran to his Grandmother one rainy winter morning.

"Nana! Do they have telephones in Heaven? I've got to call God right now!" he said.

"John, why do you have to call God?" she asked. 

"Because I've been praying and praying for snow all morning and look, He made a mistake. All its doing is raining!"

05/12/18 UNUSUAL MEMORIAL

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived, a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

04/12/18 NO EXCUSE SUNDAY

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday": 

~ Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." ~ There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. 
~ Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. 
~ We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." 
~ Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. 
~ Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. ~ Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. ~ We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. 
~ One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. ~ Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. 
~ The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. 
~ We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton balls for those who think he's too loud. 

Hope to see you there!

03/12/18 NUNS AND BASEBALL

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there. "The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."

02/12/18 TREASURES IN HEAVEN

This PENTECOSTAL rich person was very faithful about going to church. 

His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth." 

St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence." 

Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours." 

The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?" 

St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."

01/12/18 WHAT DID YOU DO?

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a musician."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

30/11/18 LITTLES LOGIC

A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie. Finally, he took a sheet out of his magazine, on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together." 

After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. 

"Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."

29/11/18 MOTOR MIND

One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick. Suddenly, my son Matthew spoke up from his relaxed position in the front seat. "Mom, I'm thinking of something." 

This announcement usually meant he had been pondering some fact for a while and was now ready to expound all that his seven-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear. 

"What are you thinking?" I asked. 

"The rain," he began, "is like sin. And the windshield wipers are like God, wiping our sins away." 

After the chill bumps raced up my arms, I was able to respond, "That's really good, Matthew." Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little boy take this revelation? 

So I asked, "Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?" 

Matthew didn't hesitate one moment with his answer. "We keep on sinning and God just keeps on forgiving us."

28/11/18 EINSTEIN

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!" 

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday. 

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?" 

The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

27/11/18 FRONT ROW PLEASE

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. 

"The front row please." she answered. 

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. 

"The pastor is really boring." 

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. 

"No." he said. 

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. 

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. 

"No." she said. 

"Good", he answered.

26/11/18 MENDING

Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husbands pants. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign. 

The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now. 

(One woman was mending the seat of her husbands pants, the other was mending the knees.)

25/11/18 KITTENS

During the midst of rush hour traffic, a bus driver pulled over to the next stop just in time to pick up a boy carrying a strange looking box.

Curious, the bus driver looked into the box and saw four tiny little kittens - so young that their eyes hadn't yet opened. 

"I haven't seen kittens that young for a long time," the bus driver said, "What are you going to do with them?" 

The boy, looking a bit puzzled, replied, "They're not kittens, they're athiests and I am taking them to church". The bus driver decided to leave that one alone and continued on his rounds.

A few days later the boy got on the same bus with the same bus driver. The bus driver recognized the boy carrying the curious box and said, "I see that you brought your athiests with you again, are you going back to church?" 

The boy replied with a grin, "They're not athiests any longer, they're Christians - their eyes have been opened!"

24/11/18 THE PRODIGAL SON - In the Key of F

Francis the Foolish felt little filial fondness for his flawless, fastidious father, Ferdinand the Fourth. Following one February fortnight, Francis, feeling footloose and frisky, forced and finagled his fond father to fork over five hundred and forty-five farthings, then fled his father's fertile fief.

Fleeing to foreign fields, Francis finally frittered and philandered away his fortune on fancy, frivolous fashion, flirty females and flapper floozies, firkins of foaming ale, freeloading, fickle fun-loving friends, and feasting on fast-food and funky, forte music.
Fleeced by those fiendish fellows of the fleshpots, and facing fateful failure and famine, Francis finally found himself flinging foul feed to the swine in a filthy farmyard as a forlorn farmhand. Footsore and famished, he fain would have filled his flaccid frame with filched food, but found it fit for only a footman. 'Fie!' flared frail Francis, 'My father's flunkies fare far finer.' Fortunately, the frazzled fugitive finally faced the facts. Frustrated from failure, frightened, and fulfilled foreboding, he forthwith from his flophouse, fled his ill fluke to his far-away family.

Forging forthwith, he fell fatigued at his father's feet. Francis feebly phrased his feelings: 'Father,' he fumbled, 'My fetish behaviour ' I've fuddled and flunked ' and fruitlessly forfeited family favour . . . forgive me.'

The far-sighted father kissed Francis' forehead. And forestalling future family fissures, flagged his flunkies in a flurry. 'Fetch fatlings from the flock and fix a four-fold feast for Francis. Forthwith! Fall to! Faster!'

The first-born, Frederick the Feculent, Francis' feisty, faultfinding, flabby brother, frugal and factious with a facade, frowned upon his father's forgiveness of Francis' former foolish folderol. 'That fathead! A fornicator! Flog this flounder and foe!' he fulminated and fumed. This fly-by-night has fretted and free-wheeled away our family finances!'

But the faithful father felt that Francis' former foibles should be freely forgiven. 'Filial fidelity is what fathers are for, Frederick,' said Ferdinand with feelings flowing. 'Forsooth, the fugitive is found, so what forbids festivity? Fly the flags freely, amid flowers, fifes, flutes, fiddles and fanfare . . . FLING A FEAST!!'
Flustered Francis, face flushed, foreswore frippery forever more by forcing his fetid frame into the friar's frock.

This converted parable, not a fairy tale or fable of any sorts, encourages you, me, foibles and fugitives alike, to forsake freely the festivities that flow with fiddle-dee flowers flirting the fiddlestick mind. The Father is forever seeking those who flounder and are forlorn, who desire forgiveness and a face-lift. He freely forgives those who see their own failures ' He gives fixity! The Father is not a figment formed in some feeble mental faculty. Furthermore, this Friend is a real fortress, unfluctuating ' a fulcrum and fresh fountain, taking us at face value as He did our friend, the Prodigal Son.

(Adapted and paraphrased on The Parable of the Lost Son ' Luke 15:11-31).

23/11/18 AMERICANS IN ROME

In The Times of London on 9 November, 2004, an interview of the head of the Italian tour guides' trade union reported that the following questions are frequently asked by American tourists in Rome.

??? Did Moses pose for Michelangelo?
??? Does the Colosseum [sic] have a chunk missing by design?
??? Where is the Sixteen Chapel?
??? Where are the other fifteen?

And the topper: 

??? Where is Jesus buried?

According to the tour guide, "They look incredulous when we tell them that Jesus never came to Rome at all.

22/11/18 POLITICAL FAITH

Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who travelled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he 
inquired in this way:

My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Catholic (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).

But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist. The astute political paused for a moment as the room erupted into loud cheers. Then he concluded, "...and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"

21/11/18 WHO'S RIGHT?

So it seems that these four ministers had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd pastor out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, Lord!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the pastor prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. 

"I told you I was right!" cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The Pastor was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other pastors, "now it's 3 to 2."

20/11/18 THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. 

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. 

Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. 

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I want!"

19/11/18 HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" 

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

18/11/18 DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" 

No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

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