A Christian joke for you each day

12/05/21 THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" they said, "how much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10."

11/05/21 THANK YOU LORD

A Grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. "Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?"

Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord. The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put fifty dollars in the collection, and thanked the Lord!

10/05/21 GIVING THANKS

A TEENAGER who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a wild ride, they finally reached their destination. The driver's mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you."

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

09/05/21 TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

08/05/21 REVIVAL?

A church is starting a revival just down the road from my home, Their ad came out in the paper which read;

Revival, Evangelical Methodist Church,1906 Gihon Road, Parkersburg, Rev Brian Hammond,evangelist, September 7-10, 10:45 AM Sunday, 7:00PM evenings, Special Sining Each Service.

[I hope they meant Singing. Either way They're sure to get a crowd.]

07/05/21 SHELL

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign...and somebody was standing in front of the "S"!

06/05/21 THE NEW CREATION

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was activated in Dec. 1970 with William Ruckelshaus as its director. The Agency had been established earlier in July by executive order of President Nixon.

THE BEGINNING In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He was immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing to file an environmental impact statement with the EPA. God was granted a temporary permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit and that, to conserve energy, he would turn the light off half the time.

God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness "night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed." The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period before....

At that point, God created Hell.

05/05/21 LATIN

An old man walks into the University Offices and says "I'd like to enrol for a Latin course."

The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?"

"Ninety-three" is the reply.

"Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?"

"Well" the man explains "I realize I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin."

The Dean thinks, and then asks "But what if you don't go to Heaven but go to - you know - the other place?"

"That's alright, I can already speak American."

04/05/21 SAINT MARY'S

Bill Gates my father is not. As church treasurer, he had two files labeled "St. Mary's Income" and "St. Mary's Expenditures." While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC,
he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods. Now the church's income is stored
in "St.Mary.sin" and expenses in "St.Mary.sex."

03/05/21 TOUCHE!

One day at an old country church, there was to be a double sermon. First, there was a young preacher boy that would preach his first sermon. After him, an old veteran preacher that was well respected in the comunity was to preach.

All of the "pre-preaching" things took place. There was good singing and nice specials among other things. These all went very well.

Well, as the time for the young preacher to preach came closer, he realized something very dreadful. He leaned over to the old preacher who was sitting next to him and said, "I forgot my Bible, and all of my notes are in it!"

The veteran preacher seemed cool and calm as he replied, "Don't worry son, God will provide. Here, use my Bible. Just speak what's on your heart, and I'm sure God will bless it."

The young man hesitantly took the old Bible, and made his way to the pulpit. Well, this preacher just started preaching away, and had a great time doing it too. The sermon he preached was so great, that at the end when there was an alter call, nearly the entire church came forward. The boy was relieved as he left the pulpit and made his way to his seat.

During the message, the old preacher started to listen to the sermon closely, as it seemed very familiar. After a few minutes, he realized what had happened. The young preacher found the notes that he was going to use for the sermon that he was about to preach. He got very nervous as the boy came down to him. "Now what am I going to do?"

The young preacher calmly said, "Don't worry. God will provide!"

02/05/21 TOP COW

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the nuns had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

The nun took the glass back to Mother Superior's bedside, and held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had downed the whole glass, down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

Mother Superior slowly raised her head, and with a pious look on her face whispered, "Don't sell that cow"

01/05/21 THE TOP TRANSLATION

There were four clergymen who were discussing the merits of the various translations of the Bible. One liked the King James Version because of its simple, beautiful English.

Another liked the American Revised Version best because it is more literal and came nearer to the original Hebrew and Greek.

Still another liked Moffat's translation because of its up-to-date vocabulary.

The fourth minister was silent. When asked to express his opinion, he replied, "I like my mother's translation best."

The other three expressed surprise. They did not know that his mother had translated the Bible.

But he assured them, "She translated it into life, every day of her life, and it was the most convincing translation I ever saw."

30/04/21 SIGNS

When I arrived at a vacuum cleaner shop, I noticed a sign stating that the business had moved. I drove around looking for the new store, and I came across a large sign:
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

There was the vacuum shop, right next to a gospel bookstore.

29/04/21 GETTING THE MESSAGE

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"

28/04/21 LESSONS FROM THE 23RD PSALM

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."

27/04/21 A MODERN GOD

When I picked up my then 4 year old daughter from religious school one Sunday, I asked her what she had learned.

She proceeded to tell me how God had made night and day one day, and the heavens and earth another, the plants, fish, animals, etc. on other days.

"And do you know what He did on the seventh day" she said. "Arrested people!"

26/04/21 TALE OF TWO PRAWNS

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on, and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old friends simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning strikes the water next to Justin and lo and behold, he turns back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swims back to his friends and buys them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again!"

Christian replies, "No way man. You'll eat me. You're a shark; the enemy. I will not be tricked."

Justin cries back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ...

.... I'm a prawn again Christian.... !!"

25/04/21 BASEBALL?

Q. When was baseball first mentioned in the bible?

A. Genesis 1:1, in the big inning*

* In the beginning

24/04/21 BESTSELLERS

In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:

"CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD" and "HOW TO ARGUE AND WIN EVERY TIME."

23/04/21 THE MODERN CHURCH

The parish not only has an Internet web site, the parish council has discussed petitioning the bishop to change the parish name to "All Saints Domain"

Everyone in the parish assumes everyone knows what "domain" means

People without email addresses are known as "the needy" An April Fool's Day joke on the pastor, several of the teenagers hid their pagers around his office, then called them all
simultaneously.Apparently it did not startle him. He said he felt like he was at Sunday liturgy.

During coffee and doughnuts after services, people are overheard wondering if confession by email would be 'licit". Someone thinks 'licit" is the name of a new software company.

A petition is circulation to partition the prayer room, creating a 'beepers-on' section.

To quiet fussy 2-year-olds, handing them pagers on 'vibrate' is more common than handing them Cheerios.

Five-year-olds actually do say "deliver us some email" during the Our Father rather than "deliver us from evil".

22/04/21 THE HIGH TECH CHURCH

You know your church has gone over the electronic age when:

-The pastor reads his sermon from a palm-held computer "notepad"

-There are cell phone chargers next to tithe pew-pencil drill holes

-MCI takes out full-page ads in the church bulletin

-At the church flea market, used cell phones and answering machines outnumber bowling balls, blenders and electric can-openers.

When the bells are rung at the end of the service, half the congregation reaches into pockets or purses to see if it was for them. (Theologically speaking, of course, it was).

21/04/21 EnSOLDIERS IN HEAVENter a Title

Little Willie asked his mother, "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"

"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"

"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."

"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."

20/04/21 WHY GOD?

God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. "Thou art hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread, and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.

The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives, and another can of tuna is opened. Mother Teresa can contain herself no longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."

God sighs. "Oy, let's be honest, Mother Teresa," God says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

19/04/21 UPDATES

Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska - Notre Dame game.

When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?" "Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon." "Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?" "Sure thing." Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Notre Dame."

18/04/21 THE STOLEN TURKEY

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

17/04/21 AT THE CONSTRUCTION JOB

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

16/04/21 ALMOST RIGHT

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

15/04/21 THE CHURCH CAR

The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up.

One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.

The minister stopped his sermon, pointed directly at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys."

14/04/21 MICROSOFT BIDS TO ACQUIRE CAHOLIC CHURCH

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

13/04/21 TRUE MARRIAGE

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

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