A Christian joke for you each day

22/04/19 TWO FEET!

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.

Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the brake and one for the accelerator."


I've taken a vow of poverty. To ANNOY me, send MONEY.

20/04/19 WHERE?

Linda W. shares this humorous event with us: Last December, in our Children's Church Class, Avery, an adorable 3-year old girl, was looking at a picture of Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. She looked at the picture intently. Then, she pointed to the baby and asked, "Is that the baby?" I said, "Yes it is." She continued to gaze at the picture. Then she asked thoughtfully, "Where is his car seat?"


The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in a position of negative need.

He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me into lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.

He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.

Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non- illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence.

Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in me a pleasurific mood state.

You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the context of non-cooperative elements.

You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.

Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your inter- relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period.

And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.


As a sound technician at Friendship Church in Prior Lake, MN, we used a variet of wireless microphones to help make our worship services more meaningful. We were also called on to do weddings and other special events.

During one wedding the pastor, the bride, and the groom each had one of the small microphones with a wire leading down to a transmitter concealed beneath their clothing. Due to the number of mics required for the grand event, we had put some of our older mics in our collection to use. The older mics were sometimes succeptible to interference and would occasionally pick up transmissions from nearby police cars and the CB radios used by truckers.

At a critical point in the wedding vows, the pastor asked the groom that all important question, "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" As if on cue a passing truck driver could be heared loud enough for everyone in the sanctuary to hear, "10-4 Good buddy."

Everyone had a good laugh, and the wedding continued without any additional help from CB radio traffic.
From Don Chase, Shakopee, MN


And one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

16/04/19 IT'S TIME

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.

Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement: "Time for service."

15/04/19 WALK ON WATER

Dallas heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. 

So, on his 21st birthday, Dallas and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. 

When Dallas and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dallas stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. 

Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home. 

When Dallas arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?" 

His sweet old grandmother took Dallas by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, and you were born in June, dear."

14/04/19 KIM'S HUSBAND

A family in our church was moving. The husband traveld a lot for business. His wife put his travel time to use by being a tirelss volunteer in our church. Before their departure to his new job assignment, the husband told me he was only known in the church as "Kim's husband" because she was so involved and he was gone so much.

He told me his wife, Kim, would be greatly missed, but expressed doubt anyone in the church would know he was gone. With his permission, I told his story during a sermon about significance a few weeks before their move. I repeated our conversation and began to emphasize his great worth to his family and our church. It started to get emotional. Suddenly a thought hit me and I said, "Now if somebody could point this guy out to me." The congregation went nuts.
>From Discernment for light moments with a weighty purpose by John Henry Beukema http://www.preachingtodaysermons.com
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13/04/19 IF.....

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise.

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" 

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Mac Enron did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horse-fly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. 

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner-Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. 

And that is how it all began.


My pastor friend told me his chruch installed sanitary, hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms. After about two weeks I dropped by to see him and noticed workmen taking them out.

I asked him why. The pastor confessed that they worked fine, but said when he went in the men's room after the previous Sunday's service he found a scribbled note above one of the hand dryers that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push button."

Not surprisingly, the dryers were out, paper towell dispensers were back in.

>From Mikey's Funnies. To subscribe go to http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/


Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to ask the blessing before eating their meal.

One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to ask the blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying.

Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, 'Hey! My peas are still here!'

.....Docs Daily Chuckle (pkaine@woh.rr.com) by way of "Christian Voices" (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)


Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates. St. Peter opens them and says "Oh it's you, Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through."

Pavarotti says, "Hold on, I 've got an envelope for you, from the Pope."

St. Peter opens it up and reads it.



A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."

The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."


A Preacher, a missionary, and an overweight tenor from the church choir are visiting Israel when, all of a sudden, they are captured by Arab terrorists. They are informed by these terrorists that they are going to be shot.

The Preacher said, "We are men of God. You can't shoot us!"

When the terrorists refused, the Preacher asked the terrorists for one last request each.

"Okay," said the terrorist chief, "one last request each ~ but keep it short."

The Preacher says, "I would like to give a two hour sermon and not have anyone in my audience leave or fall asleep."

The tenor says, "I would like to give a two hour concert of my favourite hymns."

"And what about you?" the terrorist chief asked the missionary.

"Oh please!" said the missionary, kneeling with his hands raised in supplication. "Shoot me first!"


Herman was afflicted with an explosive personality that caused him more
and more problems at home and on the job. Finally, his distressed family
persuaded him to enter an anger-management course.

Herman's therapy included an alarm clock on his bedroom table that was
tuned in to his brain by electronic pulses. Every time Herman flew into
a tantrum, the clock would explode into a loud and irritating ring that
wouldn't stop until he calmed down.

For quite a while, Herman deeply resented the noisy timepiece, but
eventually he came to see that it was helping him to control his anger.
He would even sing to it: "Clock of rages, left for me. Let me chide
myself with thee."


Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was.

I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has

5,372," came the prompt reply.

"Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?"

"The sermon was over."


When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD."

Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: "So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better." (1 Corinthians 7:38)

Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: "Yes, but Paul had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage."

03/04/19 OOPS!

Our country church may be small, but we make up for it with an active prayer ministry. On Sunday night we developed a tradition of holding a special prayer service that attracted peolpe from all over the county

At the end of the service one night the preacher called out, "Anyone here with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the altar."

With that, a young man wearing bib overalls got in line. He appeared a bit nervous. When it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Son, what do you want us to pray about for you?"

Rather reluctantly the young man replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

Ready to get to work, the preacher put a finger of one hand in the young man's ear, placed his other hand on top of the boy's head, and then commenced to pray in a mighty way. He prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for almost 15 minutes. The congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After winding down the prayer the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Son, how is your hearing now?"

The young man answered, "I don't know, sir. My lawyer said the judge scheduled it for next Thursday."


A young man went into the drug store and told the druggist he wanted to buy 3 boxes of candy; a one pound box, a 3 pound box, and a 5 pound box. The druggist brought the candy then asked, "I'm curious why you're getting 3 different boxes."

The young man replied, "I have a date tonight with a girl I've been wanting to date for months. I'm going to her house for dinner and, afterwards, if she goes out to sit with me on the swing, I'll give her the 1 pound box; if she lets me put my arm around her, I'll give her the 3 pound box, and if she lets me kiss her, I'll give her the 5 pound box." The druggist agreed that the plan was ingenious.

That night the boy arrived for dinner and when they sat down to eat, the father asked the boy to ask the blessing. Well, the boy prayed and prayed and prayed until the girl had to elbow him to stop.

Afterwards as they sat on the porch swing, the girl said, "I didn't know you were so religious." To which the young man replied, "And I didn't know your Daddy was the druggist."

Thanks to ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net for the forwarding of a number af jokes used on this site.

31/03/19 A KITTEN

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." (You can see where this is going). She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."


One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. 

It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. 

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. 

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."


"Where is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer calling the local newspaper's customer service center loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as the caller was heard to mutter, "Well, that explains why no one was at church today!"


To help our four-year-old daughter overcome her fear of the dark,her father and I always reassured her at bedtime that God was watching over her.

One night after I had gone to bed, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. "Mommy," a familiar small voice said, "I know God's in there with me, but I need somebody with skin."


I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. I mean, what if you wanted a day off? You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today. I'm running a little fever and feeling congested, so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What? Say that again. I'm cured?"

26/03/19 YOU MIGHT BE A PREACHER IF.......

You've evern waded into a creek wearing a necktie.

You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover that you were.

You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than with the church organist.

You've ever worn a suit to a church picnic.

A church picnic is no picnic.

You've ever worn wing-tips to a softball game.

You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.

You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.

You've actually taken up and offering at a famil reunion.

You've ever wanted to give the soundman some feedback of your own.

You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and it didn't involve praying for him.

You often feel like you're herding mules rather than shepherding sheep.

You've never preached on TV; your wife made you get down before you broke something.

And the number 1 sign you might be a preacher......

Your sermons have a happy ending; everyone's happy when it ends!

>From the OKL Ministerial Humor List. To subscribe send a note to okl-church-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.

25/03/19 SYMPATHY

The National Sympathy Orchestra: For when the Salvation Army decides that one bell-ringer just isn't enough. (Rick Haynes)

24/03/19 HALF FULL

Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash can at my church's picnic area and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." 

I should have been more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was half full of water.


A man came to church for the very first time in his life. He heard a sermon that really tugged at his heart strings and felt the need to answer the invitation to become a Christian. When he shared his story about never having attended church the preacher thought surely the new convert was someone special. The preacher urged the man to come back that night to take part in the evening service.

When the man arrived the preacher told the man he needed him to perform a special task. The pastor wanted him to say the benediction at the end of the service. The new convert protested and said, "Pastor, I've never been to church in my life. How am I supposed to know how to pray in public in only the second church service I've ever attended.

The preacher said, "That's OK. I have a plan. I've written you a prayer you can read. Just sit back here on the back row next to the coat rack. Place this prayer I've written in your hat. As the service is closing out, just reach back here behind you, pick up your hat and read the prayer."

The new Christian reluctantly agreed to the plan. At the end of the service the preached called the man by name and asked him to offer the closing prayer. On cue, the man reached to the hat rack behind him, and picked up a hat. As planned he started the prayer. In a loud voice he said, "DEAR GOD... this is NOT my hat...."

As told by John Conn of Henderson, Kentucky

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