A Christian joke for you each day

10/02/19 CONDOLANCES

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Kentucky. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each
of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them sip by sip in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters
though."

09/02/19 OPTING OUT

Dear Pastor:

There are 566 members in our church, but 100 are frail and elderly. That leaves 466 to do all the work. However, 80 are young people away at college. That leaves 386 to do all the work.

However, 150 of them are tired businessmen, so that leaves 236 to do all the work. 150 are housewives with children. That leaves 86 to do all the work.

There are also 46 members who have other important interests.

Which leaves 40 to do all the work, but 15 live too far away to come regularly.

So that leaves 25 to do all the work. And 23 of them say they've done their part. So, Pastor, that leaves YOU and ME and, frankly, I'm exhausted.

Good luck to you.

A. Parishioner

08/02/19 PRAYER CANDLES

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did.

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.

"Do you have any questions?" she asked.

"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

07/02/19 THINGS OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK

* "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

* "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

* "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

* "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

* "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

* "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"

* "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"

* "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

* "Nice Doggie!"

* "Are We There Yet?"

06/02/19 TOP 10 SAYINGS OF BIBLICAL MOTHERS

10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)

9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a 
dirty ol' furnace!

6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

1. Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?

05/02/19 COMPUTER PSALM 23

The Lord is my programmer; I shall not crash.

He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart;

all of his commands are user-friendly.

His directory guides me to the right choices for his name's sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of life,

I will fear no bugs, for He is my backup.

His password protects me.

He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.

His help is only a keystroke away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,

and my file will be merged with his and saved forever.

Amen

04/02/19 FLYING

"How far do you travel on your yearly preaching circuit, Brother Tuck?"

"Last year I traveled to Japan and back!"

"Gee, you must be building up a lot of frequent friar miles!"

03/02/19 PREACH TO A BEAR

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus." 

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

02/02/19 THE SMOKE ALARM

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.

He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.

The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side.

Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.

She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just WHERE do you think he's calling from?"

01/02/19 SISTER CATHERINE

It was the custom of the local Convent to dedicate a chair in memory of the Nun who had conscientiously applied her life to some portion of the Convent for 50 years or more.

There were, already, several chairs sitting around the monstrous oak table.

There was a chair to Sister Ann of the Kitchen who gave 52 years of providing nutritious meals to the Nuns.

There was a chair to Sister Marie of the Bells who had given 56 years of her life responsibly ringing the bells telling the Nuns of the schedule.

Then, of course, there was a chair dedicated to Sister Yvonne of the Closet who had given almost 60 years of her life keeping the Convent clean.

There had not been any Chairs dedicated for many decades because none of the Nuns had either been as responsible or had the longevity to earn such an honor.

But, all this came to a close when Sister Catherine died.

Sister Catherine had given more than 75 years of her life to the Convent, but there was a problem. She had been such a responsible Nun, had done so many things for so many people, and was the one everyone called on when an emergency arose that there was no particular place of service she had dedicated her life.

Yet, it was felt if anyone deserved a Chair, it was Sister Catherine.

The Committee went to work reviewing Sister Catherine's life, reviewing the philosophy of this august honor, and exercising their options. They knew she was deserving of this honor, but they did not know how to label the honor.

Finally the day came, and everyone was called to honor Sister Catherine.

After everyone was assembled around the massive oak table and the prestigious comments were made about her, the covering was removed from the brass plaque on the chair to proudly announce: "To Sister Catherine, Nun of the Above." (Sir Lawrence Brotherton)

31/01/19 THE MULE LEGACY

A farmer died and left his 17 mules to three sons. His will stated that his oldest son would get half of the mules, the middle one would get one-third and the youngest would get one-ninth.

They wracked their brains to figure out how to do it, but couldn't.

Soon after this their minister came to help them in their grief and heard their Predicament. He added his mule to the lot, making 18 mules.

The oldest got half, or 9.
The middle got one-third, or 6.
And the youngest got one-ninth, or 2.

Then the minister got on the remaining mule and rode home.

30/01/19 LET HIM WHO IS WITHOUT SIN...

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached
them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law
says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and
knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, God ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

29/01/19 HUGH MCNASTERY AND THE MONKERY

Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon they were flocking to the shop.

Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen. They politely declined.

So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to convince the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well.

Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest and his children to visit the monks, asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work.

Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a cudgel, shattered the windows of the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monk's black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business.

Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery. Proving, of course... Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

28/01/19 PANCAKES

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

27/01/19 GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

26/01/19 A DEATH IN THE FAMILY

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!

25/01/19 THE PREACHER AND THE GOLFER

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"

24/01/19 NEW IDEAS

Said the elder priest, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews". It worked. We got the front of the Church filled first.

The young Priest nodded and the old one continued. "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to Church, so I supported you when you brought in the Rock'N'Roll gospel choir."

So,? asked the young priest, "Whats the problem?"

Well, Said the elder priest "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive through confessional and the flashing neon sign which reads 'Toot'N'Tell or Go To Hell'."

23/01/19 RECALL NOTICE

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in
the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed, Subsequential Internal Non-morality, or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.

Some other symptoms:

[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish, or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required. The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Spirit. Repaired units need only make Him welcome, and He will take up permanent residence on the premises!

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded.

For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

Thank you for your attention. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice.

22/01/19 SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."
*
"Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"
*
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
*
"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
*
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
*
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
*
"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
*
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
*
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
*
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
*
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
*
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
*
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
*
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
*
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
*
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
*
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

21/01/19 TOUCHE!

After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6-year-old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. "Oh he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor.... And then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know."

"The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either."

20/01/19 OOPS!

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost
directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes.... and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

19/01/19 WHAT A DIFFERENCE!

FMC member Pastor Stan Holdeman of Garden Baptist Church in Indiana went to an informal church gathering, wearing shorts and a T-shirt. A little girl from a newly religious family; who had seen him only in his Sunday morning suits loudly proclaimed: "Hey, preacher, you sure look different with clothes on!"

18/01/19 WHAT A DIFFERENCE

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."

17/01/19 THE 3 WISE WOMEN

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

16/01/19 EVER MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLEEPERS

~ Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. 

~ Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." 

~ Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 

~ Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

~ "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." 

~ Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. 

~ The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. 

~ The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" 

~ Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

~ Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 

~ The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." 

~ Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 

~ Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

~ Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help. 

~ Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

~ The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 

~ Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 

~ The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 

~ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

15/01/19 THE PASTOR

A youth pastor thoroughly enjoyed movie night with his young charges, but towards the end of the evening, he got a popcorn hull caught in a back tooth. He worried at it with his tongue, tried snagging it with his fingernail, and even tried to brush it out when he got home, but nothing worked. Frustrated, he went to bed. In the morning, the gums around the popcorn hull were a bit swollen. His wife insisted he see the dentist, so he called. To his surprise the dentist told him to come right in. 

Once in the chair, the dentist had the offending hull out in a matter of seconds. "That's amazing!" said the pastor. 

"How did you do that? I tried everything I could think of but couldn't get it out!"
"Oh, Pastor," responded the dentist, "Don't you know that kind only comes out with prayer and flossing?"

14/01/19 A DOG NAMED MACE

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. 

The grass eventually became overgrown. 

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his
wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.

The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

13/01/19 16 BIBLICAL WAYS TO AQUIRE A WIFE

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) 

Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) 

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) 

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) 

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) 

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) 

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) 

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27) 

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) 

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3) 

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11) 

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) 

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35) 

Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. -- Jesus (Revelation 15?)

12/01/19 THE MODERN KID

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. 

Finally, she decided to go solo. 

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

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