A Christian joke for you each day

18/10/19 104. Free Admission

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear; "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

17/10/19 103. Jonah and the Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was
physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were
very large mammals, their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah
was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

16/10/19 102. I Baptise you?!

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it... his three cats in the bathtub.

The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.

The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."

But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.

Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said:

"Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"

15/10/19 101. Smiles From The Bible

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

14/10/19 100. Top Ten Signs You're in for a Long Sermon.

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

13/10/19 99. The First Sunday School Lesson

One Sunday after church the mother asked her very young daughter what her lesson had been about. Her daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." 

Needless to say, the mother was perplexed. 

Later in the day, when the Pastor stopped by for tea, the mother asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson had been about. The pastor said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

12/10/19 98. Condiments Please

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

11/10/19 97. Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50 percent of the congregation not to return for the evening service. (Only 50%?!)

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
--Selected from Dr. Neil Chadwick's "Email Circular": 
http://www.webedelic.com/church/

10/10/19 96. B.I.B.L.E.

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied," What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" 

"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

09/10/19 95. Whose Law?

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

08/10/19 94. Which Are You?

"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and, there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

07/10/19 93. In the 'Nick of Time'

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

06/10/19 92. Artistic License

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven."

05/10/19 91. Wise Advice

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass - Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

04/10/19 90. Fundraising

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

03/10/19 89. Practice Makes Perfect

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his
wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

02/10/19 88. No Prayer Required

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

30/09/19 87. Our Witness

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

29/09/19 86. A Price For Everything

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

28/09/19 85. Modern Idiom

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: 

"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

27/09/19 84. Sixteen!

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

26/09/19 83. Collection Plate

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped-up so that everyone could hear "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

25/09/19 82. Hey Fellas!

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

24/09/19 81. Mistaken Identity

"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."

"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked.

"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."

23/09/19 80. Sales vs. Management

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

22/09/19 79. Many a True Word.....

It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded.

During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame.

She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher.

He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit.

The minister paused, took the note with a smile, which turned into a terrific frown as he read:

"Please hurry home and shut off the gas."

21/09/19 78. Intimate Congregations

A group of women were talking together. One woman said, "Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday."

Another said, "That's nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven."

A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush."

20/09/19 77. Saving or Saved?

A friend of mine, and her husband, were on vacation.

They visited a Church on Sunday.

My friend likes to sit close to the front.

So they entered a pew in the second row.

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said, "This pew is saved."

Her husband replied, "So are WE!"

19/09/19 76. Divine Wisdom

A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor .....

"You think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

18/09/19 75. Early to Church!

Ever notice that you have to get to church pretty early to find a seat in the back row?

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