A Christian joke for you each day

13/11/19 131. From Bad to Worse

The minister was shaking everyone's hand while they were leaving the church.

An elderly man shook his hand and said, "Reverend, that was the worst sermon I've ever listened to. It was terrible."

As the minister stood there dumbfounded, the old man's wife stepped in, trying to help.

"Please don't pay any attention to him, pastor. He only repeats what he hears others say."

12/11/19 130. Prayer Needed?

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

11/11/19 129. Not 100% Correct, but still... Pretty Accurate.

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

10/11/19 128. Reality Check

An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"

09/11/19 127. Many a True Word...

On his Key Life radio program Steve Brown told of a friend who attended a meeting of a local civic club. One member who was the pastor of a local congregation normally gave the invocation. Since the pastor was absent and there were no other ministers in attendance, the President asked the guest speaker if he would offer the blessing. The speaker stood up and started his prayer, "Being no ministers present, We thank thee Oh God............."

08/11/19 126. Take A Break

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

07/11/19 125. A Letter To God

Dear Lord,

So for today, God; I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or even indulgent.

I'm very thankful for that - But in a very short time, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from that moment on I'm going to need a lot of help!

Amen

06/11/19 124. Can't Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. 

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. 

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. 

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" 

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You 
are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." 

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

05/11/19 123. Occupational Hymns

The Dentist's Hymn.............Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn..........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn..........The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn..............Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn..............There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn..........Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn.........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn...........I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn..............Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn.........Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn.............Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn.........I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn...............I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn...........Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn...............Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn........Just a Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn...........How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn.....A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zookeeper's Hymn...........All Creatures of Our God & King
The Postal Worker's Hymn.......So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn..............Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn............Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn...........Rescue the Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn............Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn...............When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn.......It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn........Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn...........Rock of Ages
The Haematologist's Hymn.......Are You Washed in the Blood?
The Mens' Wear Clerk's Hymn....Blest Be the Tie
The Umpire's Hymn..............I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn...........Whispering Hope

04/11/19 122. The Word

Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me. He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word "and." After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, 

"Would you like to listen for a different word?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I'd like to listen for 'Amen'."

03/11/19 121. Visiting Church - Again!

A one-dollar note met a twenty-dollar note and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar note said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

02/11/19 120. Perfection

An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, "Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?" Nobody, of course raised their hand. So he issued the question again. "Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?" 

Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. "Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection."

The man responded, "My wife's first husband."

01/11/19 119. Dot Com Prayers

When my brother said, "Amen" after grace one night, one of his children asked what "amen" meant. Before he or his wife could answer, their five-year-old responded, "It means "send."

31/10/19 118. BC!

Adam and Eve lived thousands of years BC - Before Clothing.

30/10/19 117. Good Parentage

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not
really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mum is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher angrily says, "That's no reason."

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist."

29/10/19 116. Ahhh -- Excuse me

The President was visiting Europe, and in Spain he noticed an old man in a long flowing white robe with a long white beard and long white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, G.W. approached the man and enquired, 
"Aren't you Moses." The man ignored G.W. and stared at the ceiling.

President Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked gain, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to look up at the ceiling.

Exasperated, G.W. reached out, tugged at the man's sleeve, and asked again, "Excuse me, sir. But aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am." 

G.W. asked him why he was acting so rude and Moses responded, "Purely self-defence, I assure you. The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to wander around in the desert for forty years!"

28/10/19 115. God's Rescue Attempts

During heavy flooding caused by La Nina, a priest refused to obey evacuation orders and decided to stay back in town. As the flood waters rose higher, he climbed to the roof of his house and started praying to God for help.

After an hour of devout praying, a boat came by. The priest refused the boat crew's help.

"God will come to my assistance," he said. And he remained on the roof of his house.

After another hour praying, a canoe came by. The priest refused the owner's help.

"God will rescue me," he said. And he remained on the roof of his house.

After yet another hour of prayer, a helicopter flew by. Yet again, the priest refused help.

"God will help me", he said. And again, he remained on the roof of his house.

Despite continuous praying, the flood waters rose and the priest eventually drowned in the raging water.

In heaven, he met God and asked Him, "Why didn't you help me? I called for help and you didn't answer my prayers!"

"Didn't the help arrive? I sent a canoe, a boat, AND a chopper to your rescue!"

27/10/19 114. Great Faith

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. 

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

26/10/19 113. Deja Vu!

The minister selected a 50-cent item at a convenience store, but then discovered he didn't have any money with him.

"I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the clerk, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."

"Perhaps," suggested the clerk, "I could come twice."

25/10/19 112. Some Things Never Change?

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

24/10/19 111. An Encouragement

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

23/10/19 110. The Power of Prayer

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to
the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one
of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"

22/10/19 108. More Kid Wisdom

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honour thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

21/10/19 107. Kid Wisdom

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God." 

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

20/10/19 106. Science vs God!

A group of scientists decided that mankind had advanced far enough that they no longer needed God. So they drew straws, and the loser went to find God. When he found Him, he dithered a bit, made some small talk about the weather, and finally came out with it.

"OK, look God," he said, "We've mastered space exploration, we can cure any disease, we can talk instantaneously with people around the world, we can clone human beings; basically, we don't need you any more."

God listened patiently. Finally He spoke.

"Tell you what," He said. "We'll settle this with a man-making contest. Each of us will make a man, and the first one to finish wins."

"Sure," said the man, who headed off to consult with his colleagues.

"Wait a minute," called God.

The man turned.

"We're going to do this the real way; the way I did it in the beginning."

"No problem," responds the man, bending down to grab a handful of clay.

"No, no, no," says God. "You make your own dirt."

19/10/19 105. Burning Faith

Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that some shubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it to call the fire department. She ran to the phone, and he heard her place the call. She identified herself, gave the location, and explained the situation.

"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want to put it out?"

18/10/19 104. Free Admission

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear; "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

17/10/19 103. Jonah and the Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was
physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were
very large mammals, their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah
was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

16/10/19 102. I Baptise you?!

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it... his three cats in the bathtub.

The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.

The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."

But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.

Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said:

"Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"

15/10/19 101. Smiles From The Bible

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

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