A Christian joke for you each day

25/09/17 330. Sleeping in Church

Perturbed that a man had fallen asleep during his sermon, the pastor called on an usher to wake the man. The usher retorted, "Why should I do that, Pastor? You should wake him up yourself, after all, you put him to sleep."

24/09/17 329. Surprise Punishment

A man appeared before St. Peter to receive news of his eternal fate. Peter said, "I have good news and bad. The good news is that you get to choose where you will spend eternity, the bad news it, it won't be heaven. Come, let me show you your choices."

So Peter took the man down a long corridor. After walking a bit, Peter opened a door so the man could look in. Inside was a huge room with a cement floor, filled with hundreds of people standing on their heads. The man said he wanted to see a couple of more rooms before deciding, so Peter took him to another room where hundreds of people were standing on their heads on a hard wood floor. In the next room they were on their heads in a carpeted area, so the man silently reasoned that each situation was a little more bearable.

Then Peter said, "I'll show you one more room, and then you must make your decision." In this room were hundreds of people floating in sitting up position, drinking coffee. But there was a terrible stench, for what they were sitting in was a combination of garbage and sewage. But reasoning that he probably could soon become accustomed to the smell, the man made his decision to be consigned for eternity in this room. As he settled down into the slop, a cup of coffee was handed to him.

However, it wasn't more than 10 minutes later when a small side door opened and out came a demon who yelled, "O.K. Coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

23/09/17 328. Substitute Preacher

A supply speaker was invited to fill in while the pastor was on vacation. He began his sermon by saying, "Today I'm just substituting for your Pastor, I kind of feel like the cardboard you temporarily place in the window while the glass is being repaired." Then he went on with his sermon.

At the end of the service, while shaking hands with parishioners, one said, "Remember what you said about feeling like a cardboard replacement? Well you shouldn't feel that way at all. Today you were a real pain."

22/09/17 327. Plenty of Fish

A young man, fresh out of seminary, became the pastor of a small rural church. On his first Sunday he announced his sermon by saying, "This morning I want to speak to you from the passage of Scripture where Jesus, with 5,000 loaves and 2,000 fishes fed 5 people. Everyone tried hard to not to laugh at the blunder, but one man, right down on the front row could not contain it, and laughed out loud.

So the next week the young pastor decided to redeem himself self by preaching from the same passage. "Today", he said, "I want to preach to you from the story where Jesus, with 5 loaves and 2 fishes fed 5,000." Then he confidently looked down at the man who had laughed the week before and said, "Now sir, could you have done that?"

"Why sure", the gentleman answered, "if I had was left over from last week."

21/09/17 326. Adam and Eve

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women.

So looking up to the Heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?" GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her act so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."

20/09/17 325. Chicken Dinner

After a community worship service, a farmer invited the local pastors, reverend, and priest back to the farm for dinner. At the meal, each clergy was served a whole young chicken. As the three returned to their cars, a rooster was seen strutting about, chest puffed out and held high. "He sure seems full of himself," commented the pastor. "He has good cause to be proud," answered the farmer. "He just had three of his children go into the ministry."

19/09/17 324. The Contest

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment, it came back on - just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor.

Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse, and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.
After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders: Jesus saves.

18/09/17 323. God Is Real And Truly Working It Out !

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?"

But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.

AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph...I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere!

The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was...

She said, "I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"

17/09/17 322. Thief

There is the story of a minister in a small town who was having trouble with his offering collections.

So one Sunday he announced from the pulpit: "Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Smith's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief."

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in many months everybody put something in.

16/09/17 321. The Right Prayer

Two "saints" were discussing which one of them was more 'spiritual'.

"Huh," says the first, "why I'll bet you $20 you can't even repeat the Lord's prayer."

"You're on," says the second. He clears his throat and starts in. "Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take."

The first guy is incredulous. "Wow, I didn't think you could do it. Here's your $20."

15/09/17 320. God's Grade

A sophmore taking a test in Bible School was not well prepared for the exam. At one point over a particularly esoteric phrasing of a question, he wrote, "ONLY GOD KNOWS!" for his answer.

Later when he got his paper back, there written in RED was this comment, "God gets an "A", you get an "F".

14/09/17 319. Windows 95

Abraham is trying to load Windows 95 on his computer. His son, Isaac, walks in and says,
"Dad, what are you doing? You can't load Windows 95 on to your computer! You need at least a 486 with 14 megs of memory; you only have a 386 with no available memory."
And Abraham said, "Don't worry, son, God will provide the Ram."

13/09/17 318. Wake Up Call

A certain pastor was upset with a man in his congregation who was frequently going to sleep during the sermon, so the pastor decided to teach the man a lesson. Near the end of the sermon, the pastor, in a normal voice said, "If there's anyone here this morning who wants to go to hell . . .", he began - then raising his voice to a near shout, continued, PLEASE STAND UP."

The sleeping gentleman, startled from his slumber, sprang to his feet. Then he slowly looked around and then said, "Well, Pastor, I'm not sure why it is that I'm standing, but it looks like it's you and I are in the same boat."

12/09/17 317. God's Field

A pastor drove out into the country to visit one of his parishioners, a farmer. As he approached the farm, he noticed the man along side of the road, leaning over the fence gazing out at his expansive field of corn, nearly ready for harvest. As the pastor approached, the farmer exclaimed, "Look at this, isn't it beautiful?" "Well I think you should be careful not to be too boastful," the Pastor noted. "After all, it is God who created this field." "Maybe so," the farmer replied. "But you should have seen this field when God had it all to Himself."

11/09/17 316. Of The Devil

Two drunken men were sitting at the local bar when one turned to the other and asked, "What do you think of that 'speaking in tongues' thing? "I think it's of the devil," replied the other man, "what do you think?" "I don't know, but I don't think it's of the devil, because if it was, you and me would have it."

10/09/17 315. Lot's Wife

The teacher was in the middle of telling the Bible story of Lot's rescue from the sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. When she came to the part about Lot's wife, she said, "And Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt." A little boy's hand shot up. "That's nothing. Last week when my mother was driving to the store, she looked back and turned into a telephone pole."

09/09/17 314. Christmas Confusion

The Sunday School children had been asked to draw a Christmas nativity scene. When the teacher reviewed what they had done, she noticed that one picture, in addition to Mary, Joseph, Angels, Shepherds and Wisemen, also had a rather plump man standing off to the side. So the young artist was asked to explain who this was. "Oh," he said, "that's round John virgin".

08/09/17 313. Laughter Like Medicine

A pastor listened outside the Sunday School room door while the children recited their memory verse. One little boy repeated it this way, "Laughter does good like a medicine should."

07/09/17 312. God's Will

A farmer was on his way to town to buy a cow. On the way he stopped for a brief visit with his neighbor who was a Christian. "Where are you going today," the neighbor asked. "I'm going to town to buy a cow." Well actually, the Christian neighbor instructed, you ought to say, 'the Lord willing, I'm going to town to buy a cow.'" "What do you mean, I have the money, they have the cow, I'm going to town to buy a cow."

With that, he resumed his walk. Just before reaching the town, the farmer was mugged, his money stolen, and he was left unconscious by the side of the road. When he finally came too, and realizing all his money was gone, he started to limp back towards home. The Christian neighbor saw him coming, and hastened to help.

After hearing the story, the Christian farmer asked, "So now what are you going to do?' "Well, the Lord willing, I'm going home."

06/09/17 311. Rent in the Sky

"Once there was a Christian, he had a pious look,
His consecration was complete except his pocketbook.
He'd go to Church and give his dollar and meekly close his eyes.
So glad his weekly rent was paid for his mansion in the skies."

05/09/17 310. Painting the Church

The Pastor was painting the church one Saturday to get it nice and spiffy for services on Sunday. He had two sides of the church done when he realized that he didn't have quite enough paint to finish.

Since he was many miles from where he could buy more paint and he was running out of time, he decided to thin the paint down so he'd have enough to finish the job. After finishing the third wall, he realized he had to thin the paint even more to make it stretch.

He finally finished and was standing back to admire his work when it started to rain. He watched in dismay while the paint ran down the windows and exposed the old color on the last two walls he had painted.

Just then lightening struck followed by an ear splitting clap of thunder. From the sky came a loud voice saying,

"Repaint, repaint, and thin no more."

04/09/17 309. Death Angel

There's the story of the man who was doing his bank business at the local Bank when he caught sight of the "Death Angel" waiting by the outside door. Being somewhat alarmed, he went out the other door and walked around the building to his car and hastily drove home.

When he came into the kitchen, his wife noted that his face was all white, and she asked what the matter was. He said, "I just saw the death angel."

"So what are you going to do," she asked.

"I'm getting out of town as fast as I can - I'll go to my brother's in Ashfield."

Unbelieving, as soon as his car pulled out of the drive way, the wife rushed down to the bank. Sure enough, there was the Death Angel, still standing by the door.

Being more bold than her husband, she walked up to the Angel and told him that her husband had been very frightened to see him there.

The Death Angel replied, "Well actually, I was also somewhat surprised to see your husband here. I was sure I had an appointment with him later today in Ashfield."

03/09/17 308. The One Boy Who Knows His Holidays

Three 4th grade Sunday School boys were promised a free Bible trip if they can answer one simple question.

The teacher asks the first boy, "What is Easter?"

The boy replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies the teacher, and proceeds to ask the second student the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second boy replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

The teacher looks at the second boy, shakes his head in disgust, tells him he's wrong, then peers over at the third boy and asks, "What is Easter?"

Confidently he looks the teacher in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" the teacher says incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later betrayed and handed over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

As the Sunday School teacher smiles broadly with delight, the third student continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

02/09/17 307. Lil Johnny

One Sunday morning the Pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning Pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

01/09/17 306. Jesus Wept!

Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathered them around Him and taught them saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Blessed are the meek,
Blessed are they that mourn,
Blessed are the merciful,
Blessed are they that thirst after righteousness.
Blessed are you when persecuted, Blessed are you when you suffer, Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in Heaven."
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know all this?"
And Andrew said, "So we have to write all this down?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Phillip said, "I don't have any paper."
And Judas said, " How much credit does this give me?"
And Matthew said, "May I go to the bathroom?"
And Bathelomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And Simon said, "May I borrow a pencil?"
And Judas Iscariot said, "What does this have to do with real life?"
And James the Lesser said, "Now what was that again?"
Then one of the Pharisees, who was present, asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, "Where are your anticipatory set and objectives in the cognitive domain?"

AND JESUS WEPT !!!!

31/08/17 305. Speed Reading

The parson had been disturbed by a person who was a fast reader. "We shall now read the Twenty-third Psalm in unison," he announced. "Will the lady who is always by 'the still waters' while the rest of us are in 'green pastures,' please wait a minute until we catch up?"

30/08/17 304. Amen, Preach!

Preacher: "This church is just like a baby, and every baby has to learn to crawl."
The congregation shouts out, "Amen Preach, let her crawl.."

The Preacher continues: "But nobody stays a baby forever. After a while this church is going to stand and walk."
Congregation: "Amen, Preach it--Let her walk."

Preacher goes on: "And after a while this church is not just going to stand or walk, it's going to run!"
Congregation: "Amen Preach, let her run."

Preacher: "And in order for this Church to run it needs to give!"
Congregation: "Let her crawl Preach, Let her crawl"

29/08/17 303. It might be a country church if . . .

1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is ,"Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and five guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding.''
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"
26. On Sunday morning the parking lot looks like the parking lot at the livestock auction.

28/08/17 302. Mistaken E-mail

It is wise to remember how easily this wonderful e-mail technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

27/08/17 301. Room in Heaven

One day a doctor, a farmer and the president of an HMO arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter hesitates, because heaven is getting kind of full. Finally he tells the doctor, "You may come in, for you have taken care of the sick in their time of need." Then he turns to the farmer and says, "And you , too, may enter, for you have grown food to nourish your fellow man."

Then St. Peter turns to the HMO executive. "Well, I guess you can come in too - but only for three days."

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