A Christian joke for you each day

28/05/17 207. A Cat Passes On

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

27/05/17 206. Wish for Understanding

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all your ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of all the challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports are required to reach the bottom of the pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how can I make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

26/05/17 205. Church For Fanatics

Many of the following items have been collected from Dr Chadwick at http://www.webedelic.com/church/index.html

I was a supply preacher for a small town Texas Church, coming in early Sunday, preaching a sermon to the congregation, and then leaving after lunch. Arriving early one Sunday I sat down at a local donut shop, opened my Bible and went over my sermon notes.

A man was sitting down the counter from me and he said, "You a preacher or something?"

I replied, "Yes I preach at the Christian Church here in town."

He got excited and said, "Hey, I'm a member of that church."

The church was small and I knew all the regulars so I said, "I've been preaching there for about three months and I've never seen you there."

He looked at me kinda strange and said, "I said I was a member of that church. I never said that I was fanatical about it!"

25/05/17 204. You're Going to Die

The pastor started his sermon by saying, "Every member of this church is going to die." As the sermon progressed the minister noticed a gentleman gently smiling on the front row.

From time to time the minister kept pushing his theme by repeating, "Every member of this church is going to die." Each time the minister repeated the theme, the guy smiled even more while everyone else in the congregation had a very sombre look.

The preacher repeated it several more times forcefully, "I SAID EACH MEMBER OF THIS CHURCH IS GOING TO DIE." Each time the phrase was repeated, the man smiled more. This really got the preacher wound up and he preached even harder. The man still smiled.

As he neared the conclusion the preacher walked down off the platform to stand just in front of the smiling man and shouted, "I SAID EACH MEMBER OF THIS CHURCH IS GOING TO DIE." While everyone else was looking pretty grim from the prospects, the man was now almost laughing out loud.

After the service the preacher jumped down off the platform and worked through the crowd to find the man. The preacher said, "I don't get it. Every time I said every member of this church is going to die, you were laughing. I want to know why you did that?" The
man grinned confidently and replied, "I'm not a member of this church."

24/05/17 203. More Bulletin Bloopers

Don't forget the annual Child Watch banquet next Tuesday. They've been serving children for 18 years.

We want to offer special prayers for the police officers in our congregation and all the officers on the force. Remember, Officer Wilson who was injured this week when his cruiser was hit by a car that then ran away.

One Sunday the first hymn listed on our song sheet was "Surley Goodness and Mercy!!" Those who weren't in a good mood when the service started immediately had a smile. - Amber in Lake Isabella, CA

Youth group please remember our kick-off for January 5 and 6 is a lock-in weekend that will be "Built to Last."

The morning service will be followed by holy communism.

Please join us for the Christmas concert and sinalong (Richard Lederer)

Don't forget the Community Rabies Vaccination Clinic under the church picnic pavilion starting at 9:00 a.m. Saturday. The Cost is only $10 and Senior citizens are free with proof of age.

For those parents who attend the progressive dinner Friday, you may pick up your youth after your stop at the pastor's house.

Providing adequate housing to area senior citizens has always been a concern. The staff and board of The Village see themselves as being in misery to the residents of the retirement community.

We are asking for donations of non-perishable food items to help the needy. Please help us refill our food panty.

Thank you Conference Volunteers for your time and energy, especially those who helped with stuffing pockets the Friday before conference.

Our bulletin has changed, take a pee inside. (D Lancon)

I would like to thank those who worked to make the regional annual meeting a success. Many of the delegates commented on the wonderful hostility they received from our local people.

Congratulations to Dawn Olson who recently graduated from booty camp at U.S. Navy's Great Lakes Recruit Training Center on Feb 22nd.

PLEASE NOTE: We would like to make a correction in the recent editon of the church cookbook. An inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

The marriage of Miss Freda VanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in the newsletter a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

It was incorrectly reported in last week's newsletter that this unday is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

It has come to our attention that there was a mistake in a newsletter item two weeks ago. It stated that Ed Burnham entertained our Men of Integrity Group at "crap shooting." It should have read "trap shooting."

There are two important corrections to the information in the last church newsletter on our Women's Deep Relaxation Exercise and Health Program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

23/05/17 202. How to get rid of your pastor

1. Look the pastor straight in the eye while he’s preaching and say "Amen" once in awhile, and he’ll preach himself to death.

2. Pat him on the back and brag on his good points, and he’ll probably work himself to death.

3. Rededicate your life to Christ and ask the preacher for some job to do, preferably some lost person you could win to Christ, and he’ll die of heart failure!

4. Get the Church to unite in prayer for the preacher, and he’ll soon become so effective that some larger church will take him off your hands.

22/05/17 201. The Pig and the Chicken

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

21/05/17 200. Friends and Family

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."

The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... 'HEY LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!'"

20/05/17 199. No Brain

A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

19/05/17 198. Touche!

Old Pete, the town tippler, made it a habit to sleep off his drunks in the church cemetery every Saturday night. On Sunday mornings the pastor of the church would have to go out before services and rouse him, and escort him home before the services began.
Finally he grew tired of the routine, and on Halloween, which fell on a Saturday night that year, he decided to do something about Old Pete. Borrowing his son's skull mask, and donning a choir robe, he settled down in the dark cemetery to await Old Pete's approach. He planned on scaring the devil out of the fellow, and teaching him a lesson.

Finally Old Pete staggered through the graveyard about midnight, unsteadily picking his way through the headstones in the light of the full harvest moon. Rising up from behind a large tombstone, the pastor, calling upon his seminary theatrical training, moaned and swayed in the dimness. Old Pete froze, quaking in his tracks.

"Lord, have mercy!" he cried, much to the satisfaction of the disguised pastor. "It's Death, come for me!"

"Pete..." intoned the preacher in his deepest pulpit tones. "It is time for you to come with me!"

"Don't take me Mr. Death," begged the inebriated fellow. "I'm not ready to go!"

The minister saw his chance. "Then repent, and change your ways." He raised a ghostly arm and pointed to the church. "Seek out the man of God yonder and he will guide you into the paths of life."

Old Pete slumped down next to a headstone. "That won't do any good," he groaned.

The pastor was taken aback. "Why not?" he asked, forgetting his spectral voice.

"Because," explained the downcast Pete, "the pastor of that church is as dead as any of the stiffs out here in the cemetery!"

18/05/17 197. Recipe for Revival?

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great confidence. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

17/05/17 196. Do You Have a BC?

The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvellous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."

16/05/17 195. Atheist Holiday

An atheist complained to a Christian co-worker, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; . EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."

"What do you mean, atheists have no holidays," his friend replied, "People have been observing a special day in your honor for years."

"I don't know what you're talking about," the atheist said, "When is this special day honoring atheists?"

"April 1st."

15/05/17 194. And Then There Were None

10 little Christians standing in line. 1 disliked the preacher, then there were 9.
9 little Christians stayed up very late. 1 overslept Sunday, then there were 8.
8 little Christians on their way to Heaven. 1 took the low road and then there were 7.
7 little Christians chirping like chicks. 1 disliked music, then there were 6.
6 little Christians seemed very much alive, but one lost his interest then there was 5.
5 little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore, but one stopped to rest, then there were 4.
4 little Christians each busy as a bee. 1 got his feelings hurt, then there were 3.
3 little Christians knew not what to do. 1 joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2.
2 little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done, differed with each other, then there was 1.

1 little Christian can't do much 'tis true, brought his friend to bible study, then there were 2.
2 earnest Christians, each won one more. That doubled the number, then there were 4.
4 sincere Christians worked early and late. Each won another then there were 8.
8 splendid Christians if they doubled as before. In just so many Sundays, we'd have 1,024.

In this little jingle, there is a lesson true, you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew!

14/05/17 193. Prayer Posturing

"The proper way for man to pray," said Deacon Lemuel Keyes, "And the only proper attitude is down upon your knees."

"No, I should say the way to pray," said Reverend Dr. Wise, "Is standing straight with upraised arms and rapt and upturned eyes."

"Oh, no, no, no!" said Elder Sloe... "Such posture is too proud. A man should pray with eyes fast closed and head contritely bowed."

"It seems to me his hands should be austerely clasped in front with both thumbs pointing downward," said Reverend Dr. Blunt.

"Last year I fell in Hodgekin's well headfirst," said farmer Cyrus Brown. "With both my heels a-stickin' up, my head a-pointin' down. And I made a prayer right then and there - best prayer I ever said - the prayingest prayer I ever prayed - a-standin' on my head!"

13/05/17 192. 'Hushers'

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're 'hushers'."

12/05/17 191. The Best Lie

A pastor was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you boys doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course the pastor was scandalized. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the pastor began to think he'd really gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

11/05/17 190. The Timid Witness

After being appointed to the church's evangelism and outreach committee, one particular member was quite nervous at having to make evangelistic visits. His Pastor comforted him by suggesting that he pray. "If you spend a few minutes talking with God prior to visiting someone, it should help."

When the committee met again, the nervous parishioner approached the Pastor and said, "Thank-you so much for suggesting prayer. I tried it before I went on my visit and it really worked!"

"I'm so pleased to hear that," the Pastor answered. "Why don't you share your experience with the rest of the committee so others may know of the power of prayer?"

"Well," he replied, "I prayed that the people wouldn't be home, and they weren't."

10/05/17 189. Pride Goeth Before a Fall:

Five Americans, including a famous brain surgeon, a prominent minister of a large church, a college student, and the president of the National Mensa Society were flying across the Rockies in the same airplane. Suddenly the pilot emerged from the cockpit with four parachutes. As he strapped one on, he said, "We've developed mechanical difficulties and we're losing altitude." He tossed the three remaining chute packs on the floor, opened the hatch and jumped out.

Immediately, the brain surgeon stood up and said that since he could save lives with all of his skill and knowledge, he should have the first chute. The others agreed and he jumped from the plane. The Mensa Society president declared, "Since I am the leader of America's most intelligent people, I can do much to better the world. I deserve a parachute." Before the others could say a word, he snatched a pack from the hands of the student, slipped into the straps and jumped.

The minister immediately spoke up: "My friend, you are young and have many years ahead of you. I, on the other hand, have enjoyed a long life and am ready to meet my Maker. I want you to..."

"Relax, pastor," interrupted the student. "We can both have a parachute. One of the most intelligent people in the world just jumped out of this airplane with my bookbag on his back."

09/05/17 188. You Dirty Rat -- Er, Rodent...

A pastor was spending the Saturday afternoon at a house in the little country town where he preached. After lunch he was sitting out on the front porch with his host and his wife when their two children rushed up, one of them swinging a dead rat over his head by the tail. "Look, ma! Don't be afraid, it's dead," exulted the boy, oblivious to his mother's embarrassment. "Yeah, ma," shouted the girl. "We bashed him in the head with a stick, then we stoned him, then we took a rake to him, and we whacked him and hacked him until" - and then catching sight of the amused clergyman, she finished in a lowered, respectful voice - "until the good Lord called him home."

08/05/17 187. Bet You Can't Tell Just One...

The pastor had come home tired after a full day of visitation and counselling, when there was a knock at the door. A peek through the curtain revealed the pinched features of the church's resident busybody. "Oh, no," whispered the worn-out minister to his wife. "It's Miss Brisby! Tell her I went to bed early!" And he hurried upstairs to nominally justify the story by lying down on the bed.

After nearly an hour of reading and relaxing, he ventured out of the bedroom and listened at the top of the stairs. Not hearing anything, he started down, calling out to his wife, "Well, honey, did that dreadfully nosy old bore finally leave?"

As he finished the sentence he rounded the stair corner and saw his wife standing next to the woman in question. Both wore a shocked expression as they stared at him.

But his fast-thinking wife saved the day and said, "Yes, dear, she did; but now Mrs. Brisby is here and would love to see you! "

07/05/17 186. Stuck In A Rut...

An old gentleman at a small country church had given the same testimony at every meeting for the last twenty years. It was always, "I'm not making much progress, but Praise the Lord, I'm established."

One rainy afternoon his car slipped off the narrow dirt road and into the ditch. Try as he could, he couldn't budge, but simply spun his tires. Along came a deacon who could never quite accept the old fellow's testimony. Stopping to look the situation over he said with a smile, "Well, Brother, I see you're not making much progress, but you 're sure established!"

06/05/17 185. All Together Now...

A worker was trying to get a large, heavy pulpit through the door of a church. A passerby, seeing his struggle, offered to help. They pushed and tugged until they were exhausted but it wouldn't move. Finally, the man on the inside said, "We'd better give up, we'll never get this out."

The volunteer on the outside end said, "What do you mean, get it out? I thought you were trying to get it in!"

05/05/17 184. Movin' On Up...

A lady whose husband's climb up the ladder to success led her to a more showy way of life changed to a better car, finer home, more expensive furs and a more socially-upscale church. After another major advance which landed her at the Mercedes-Benz stage, she paid a visit to her latest minister.

"I've had the feeling for some time that I should fit in better with my friends at another church," she sniffed, swinging her furs around her back and flashing her diamond rings. "What would be your opinion, sir?"

"My dear lady," the clergyman replied, "it matters little what kind of label you put on an empty bottle!"

04/05/17 183. Ten Signs Your Pastor Needs A Vacation

10. When he announces VBS he yells the word "VACATION" with special emphasis.
9. He has replaced the framed Ten Commandments in the foyer with a travel poster.
8. The bulletin cover has had pictures of Hawaii on it for the past 5 weeks.
7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "all right, listen up you heathens..."
6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.
5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.
4. Every time his pager goes off, he exhibits a facial tic and shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"
3. He wears scuba flippers, mask and snorkel to the baptism service.
2. You go to his office for counselling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday: "Come Ye Apart and Rest A Little While."

03/05/17 182. Best Paid?

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

02/05/17 181. The Final Word

The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused and asked, “What more can I say, my friends, what more can I say?”

From the back of the congregation came a voice that elicited a ripple of snickers. “Amen.” it suggested.

30/04/17 181. The Final Word

The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused and asked, “What more can I say, my friends, what more can I say?”

From the back of the congregation came a voice that elicited a ripple of snickers. “Amen.” it suggested.

29/04/17 Church Marquee Signs

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Soul food served here"
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"

28/04/17 You Can't Win

The local post office received a letter addressed "To God." Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.

The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting. "Dear God," began the writer. "I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a nightwatchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us $1,000 and I won't bother you again."

The pastor read the name and one of the committee members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."

The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with $500, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.

Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgement. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow. "Dear God," it read. "I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me $1,000 to get these creditors off our backs. Thanks again. P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it."

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