A Christian joke for you each day

26/09/20 427. Creation: Snoopy's Version

 On the first day of creation, God created the dog. 
 On the second day, God created man to serve the dog. 
 On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as food for the dog. 
 On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog. 
 On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it. 
 On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke. 
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

25/09/20 426. Repeat Again

What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time.

By Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.

The preacher had barely begun his sermon when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."

Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it: "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly."

Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again, "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time. "Behold, I come quickly!" he all but shouted.

In his panic, the preacher pounded the pulpit with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

Flustered and embarrassed, the preacher picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

24/09/20 425. I Beg Your Pardon

And Jesus said unto the Seminary's Advanced Theology Class, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "I beg your pardon!"

23/09/20 424. Eve and Adam

One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, "Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes."

"No problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won't be perfect. He'll have a difficult time understanding your feelings, will tend to think only of himself, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies."

"What's bowling?" Eve asked.

"Oh... never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry."

"That's OK. I think I can handle this 'man'," Eve replied.

"Great, I'll get right to it!" God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it.

Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, "Oh, there's one other thing about this man I'm making for you."

"What's that?" asked Eve.

"You'll have to tell him he was here first."

22/09/20 423. Gladys Dunn

Our old friend Gladys Dunn attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, Gladys walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to be sociable, Gladys extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

(My mother's maiden name was Lilian Dunn - not the same!)

21/09/20 422. Gladly

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.

It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bare."

20/09/20 421. The New Preacher

There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumoured to be haunted. Since the preacher didn't believe in such things, he rented it.

It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible. Feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

19/09/20 420. Cowboy Joe

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

18/09/20 419. The Newborn

A proud mother named Ella brought her newborn baby to a church social one afternoon.

The ladies were all making a fuss over Ella's baby.

Like any good mother, Ella was closely watching her newborn when she saw a little girl approach. The little girl started having a very one way conversation with the infant.

When the little girl began asking the newborn questions, Ella smiled at her and said, "The baby can't talk yet."

The little girl, in all innocence, looked up at Ella and asked, "Does it need new batteries?"

17/09/20 418. Christmas Dinner

Four-year-old Veronica was asked to give thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

Veronica began her prayer by thanking God for all her friends, naming them one by one. Then she thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all her aunts and uncles.

Then she began to thank God for the food. She gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Suddenly Veronica fell silent. Everyone waited and waited.

After a long silence, the young lass looked up at her mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't He know that I'm lying?"

16/09/20 417. The Driving Truth

What folks might say when seeing certain cars with Christian bumper stickers...
 "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians. I'm sure they have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour." 
 "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer." 
 "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Betty. It's probably gospel tracts for the road workers."

15/09/20 416. Cussing Deacon

A Preacher was made aware that he had a Deacon in his church who was from time to time known to cuss.

In his attempt to help the Deacon overcome this terrible habit, the Preacher decided he should spend some personal time with the Deacon so they could have a long talk about the problem. The Preacher decided to ask the Deacon to go fishin' thinking that might provide 
an opportunity to talk.

They were out in a boat and had their lines in the water when the Preacher hooked a big one. It put up a mighty fight, but finally he reeled the fish up to the edge of the boat. It was the biggest fish the preacher had ever caught. But, just as the minister started to pull his catch into the boat, the fish slipped off the hook and got away.

Thoroughly disgusted, the Preacher looked over and said, "Deacon, somethin' needs to be said here!"

11/09/20 415. Good.....

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in world,
there are those who wake up in the morning and say ................
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and
"Good Lord, it's morning."

10/09/20 414. The Fig Tree

Mark took his elderly maiden-Aunt Lucy for a drive, and pointed out a fig tree as one of the sights.

"Fig tree?" exclaimed Aunt Lucy. "That cannot be a fig tree for goodness sakes!"

"Of course it is," Mark insisted. "What makes you think it's not?"

Blushing so red she nearly glowed, Aunt Lucy said, "Well... I just thought... surely the leaves must be bigger than that!"

09/09/20 413. Lateral Thinking

Question: "Who is the most unhappy in the Parable of the Prodigal Son?"

Answer: "The fatted calf."

03/09/20 412. The Funeral

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

02/09/20 411. Observant

Three people were trying to get into heaven. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?" "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.

Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?" "It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in.

Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?" "It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third. 

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."

01/09/20 410. A Rumour

Rumour has it that Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for men who are experiencing the trauma of hair loss. Reportedly they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more!"

31/08/20 409. Spirit in a Vacuum

I once heard a preacher say that it's man's spirit that makes him different from animals.

That may be true, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

30/08/20 408. The Purchase

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I keep getting Christian TV and the Home Shopping Network on the same channel. I actually bought a church choir the other night.

29/08/20 407. Harold

A dad was listening to little Carol say her prayers.

"Dear Harold," Carol prayed, "please bless mom and daddy and..."

At this point, the dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, sweetie. Why are you calling God 'Harold'?"

Carol looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know -- the prayer where we all say, 'Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name.' "

28/08/20 406. Made It

A pastor who enjoyed bragging on his son was talking one day with a friend, who happened to be a rabbi.

The pastor said "My son was a star on his high school baseball team."
"That's nice," said the rabbi, "and after that?"

"Well," said the pastor, "after that he went to Harvard and graduated summa cum laude."
"Not bad,"said the rabbi thoughtfully, "and after that?"

"So then he went to law school at Georgetown and was editor of the law review."
"Hmmm. And after that?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, as soon as he graduated from law school, the biggest law firm in New York immediately made him a full partner!"
"Not bad. Is that all?" the rabbi quietly asked.

The pastor, clearly irritated, said, "Is that ALL! What do you expect -- that my son should become God or something?"
The rabbi shrugged and said, "Well -- one of OUR boys made it."

27/08/20 405. Appropriate?

The Announcement: 'A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in memory of his wife.'

26/08/20 404. My Jesus

When Bonnie's daughter was four, they attended an Easter pageant about the death and Resurrection of Christ. The play was beautiful with magnificent costumes and scenery.

Bonnie made sure Robyn had an aisle seat so that she wouldn't miss a thing. Jesus came staggering down the aisle carrying the Cross. Big Roman soldiers pushed and shoved him.

Robyn watched with wide eyes. At the reception following the performance, one of the actors who played a Roman soldier came over to Robyn, kneeled down and quietly asked her, "Did you enjoy the play?"

Robyn wagged her finger at him and said, "You BAD man! Bad! Bad man! You hurt my Jesus!"

25/08/20 403. Too True

Faith, 3, went to Good Friday services. That night she prayed, "Thank You, Jesus, for dying on the Cross. And thank You we didn't have to watch!"

24/08/20 402. Looking After Jesus

Kiersten, 5, was having a discussion with Destini, 6. Destini was insisting that Jesus is dead. Kiersten insisted that Jesus is alive.

They began to argue, so Kiersten's mother, Penny, interfered.

"Destini," Penny said, "Kiersten is right. Don't you know that's why we celebrate Easter? Easter is the day that Jesus rose from the dead. He was killed and they buried Him and three days later He arose from the dead."

Destini asked where they buried Him. Penny told her it was actually in a cave in Israel. "And after they put Him in the cave, they rolled a very, very, very big stone over the doorway," Penny said.

At that point Kiersten interrupted and added, "That was to keep Him warm!"

23/08/20 401. A Small Boy's Prayer:

  • "Dear God, I hope you take care of yourself. 'Cause if anything happens to you, we would all be in a terrible mess."

22/08/20 400. A Matter of Priority

Jerry was walking along the street, when he passed by a Catholic Church and noticed smoke pouring out of the building. Jerry ran inside, and yelled to the Priest, "Father, Father!! Your Church is on Fire!" The Priest grabbed the New Testament, and ran out.

A little farther up the road, Jerry was passing a Jewish Synagogue. Smoke was pouring out of the building. Jerry ran inside. "Rabbi, Rabbi!! Your building is on fire!", he cried. The Rabbi grabbed the Old Testament and ran out.

A little farther down, Jerry came to a liberal church. It too was on fire. Jerry rushed inside. "Minister, Minister!!" yelled Jerry, "Your Church is on fire!" The minister grabbed the coffeepot and ran out.

21/08/20 Get Up!

A mother called her son one Sunday morning, to get out of bed and get ready for Church.

He replied "I'm not going."

His mother said "Yes you are going, so get out of that bed!"

The son replied "Give me ONE good reason why I should go."

The Mother said, "I'll give you THREE good reasons...

1. I'm your mother, and I say you're going.

2. You're 40 years old, so old enough to know better.

3. You're the Pastor, so you need to be there."

20/08/20 398. Fund Raising

The crumbling old church building badly needed repairs, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town.

At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. Flicking a speck of white dust from his suit, the rich man calmly announced, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again. Now covered from head to toe with plaster dust, the rich man grimly said, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge, but that's all I intend to contribute."

As the rich man sat down, a deacon suddenly shouted, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

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