A Christian joke for you each day

24/07/21 MENDING

Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husbands pants. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign.

The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now.

(One woman was mending the seat of her husbands pants, the other was mending the knees.)

23/07/21 KITTENS

During the midst of rush hour traffic, a bus driver pulled over to the next stop just in time to pick up a boy carrying a strange looking box.

Curious, the bus driver looked into the box and saw four tiny little kittens - so young that their eyes hadn't yet opened.

"I haven't seen kittens that young for a long time," the bus driver said, "What are you going to do with them?"

The boy, looking a bit puzzled, replied, "They're not kittens, they're athiests and I am taking them to church". The bus driver decided to leave that one alone and continued on his rounds.

A few days later the boy got on the same bus with the same bus driver. The bus driver recognized the boy carrying the curious box and said, "I see that you brought your athiests with you again, are you going back to church?"

The boy replied with a grin, "They're not athiests any longer, they're Christians - their eyes have been opened!"

22/07/21 THE PRODIGAL SON - In the Key of F

Francis the Foolish felt little filial fondness for his flawless, fastidious father, Ferdinand the Fourth. Following one February fortnight, Francis, feeling footloose and frisky, forced and finagled his fond father to fork over five hundred and forty-five farthings, then fled his father's fertile fief.

Fleeing to foreign fields, Francis finally frittered and philandered away his fortune on fancy, frivolous fashion, flirty females and flapper floozies, firkins of foaming ale, freeloading, fickle fun-loving friends, and feasting on fast-food and funky, forte music.
Fleeced by those fiendish fellows of the fleshpots, and facing fateful failure and famine, Francis finally found himself flinging foul feed to the swine in a filthy farmyard as a forlorn farmhand. Footsore and famished, he fain would have filled his flaccid frame with filched food, but found it fit for only a footman. 'Fie!' flared frail Francis, 'My father's flunkies fare far finer.' Fortunately, the frazzled fugitive finally faced the facts. Frustrated from failure, frightened, and fulfilled foreboding, he forthwith from his flophouse, fled his ill fluke to his far-away family.

Forging forthwith, he fell fatigued at his father's feet. Francis feebly phrased his feelings: 'Father,' he fumbled, 'My fetish behaviour ' I've fuddled and flunked ' and fruitlessly forfeited family favour . . . forgive me.'

The far-sighted father kissed Francis' forehead. And forestalling future family fissures, flagged his flunkies in a flurry. 'Fetch fatlings from the flock and fix a four-fold feast for Francis. Forthwith! Fall to! Faster!'

The first-born, Frederick the Feculent, Francis' feisty, faultfinding, flabby brother, frugal and factious with a facade, frowned upon his father's forgiveness of Francis' former foolish folderol. 'That fathead! A fornicator! Flog this flounder and foe!' he fulminated and fumed. This fly-by-night has fretted and free-wheeled away our family finances!'

But the faithful father felt that Francis' former foibles should be freely forgiven. 'Filial fidelity is what fathers are for, Frederick,' said Ferdinand with feelings flowing. 'Forsooth, the fugitive is found, so what forbids festivity? Fly the flags freely, amid flowers, fifes, flutes, fiddles and fanfare . . . FLING A FEAST!!'
Flustered Francis, face flushed, foreswore frippery forever more by forcing his fetid frame into the friar's frock.

This converted parable, not a fairy tale or fable of any sorts, encourages you, me, foibles and fugitives alike, to forsake freely the festivities that flow with fiddle-dee flowers flirting the fiddlestick mind. The Father is forever seeking those who flounder and are forlorn, who desire forgiveness and a face-lift. He freely forgives those who see their own failures ' He gives fixity! The Father is not a figment formed in some feeble mental faculty. Furthermore, this Friend is a real fortress, unfluctuating ' a fulcrum and fresh fountain, taking us at face value as He did our friend, the Prodigal Son.

(Adapted and paraphrased on The Parable of the Lost Son ' Luke 15:11-31).

21/07/21 AMERICANS IN ROME

In The Times of London on 9 November, 2004, an interview of the head of the Italian tour guides' trade union reported that the following questions are frequently asked by American tourists in Rome.

??? Did Moses pose for Michelangelo?
??? Does the Colosseum [sic] have a chunk missing by design?
??? Where is the Sixteen Chapel?
??? Where are the other fifteen?

And the topper:

??? Where is Jesus buried?

According to the tour guide, "They look incredulous when we tell them that Jesus never came to Rome at all.

20/07/21 POLITICAL FAITH

Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who travelled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he
inquired in this way:

My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Catholic (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).

But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist. The astute political paused for a moment as the room erupted into loud cheers. Then he concluded, "...and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"

19/07/21 WHO'S RIGHT?

So it seems that these four ministers had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd pastor out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, Lord!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the pastor prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, Lord, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The Pastor was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other pastors, "now it's 3 to 2."

18/07/21 THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.

Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I want!"

17/07/21 HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

16/07/21 DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

15/07/21 LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

14/07/21 WHO'S CRYING?

One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking
down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"

The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy.

As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.

Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said, "Lord I work for the public school system."

... and the Lord sat down and cried with him!

13/07/21 TAKEN APART

Four-year-old Jason was complaining about having to attend church. His mother explained that he should learn about God, because it was God who made him.

After some thought, Jason said, "Well, if I don't learn about God, will He take me apart?"

12/07/21 THE FIRST PROFESSION

APOLOGIES! We have been too pressured at our hospital, here in Kenya. Sorry.

Three men were arguing about what the first profession mentioned in the Bible was.

First, the surgeon spoke up: "I think the medical profession is the first profession mentioned in the Bible. God made Eve by carving a rib out of Adam."

The engineer replied: "No, engineering was first. Just think of the engineering job it was to create things out of chaos."

Finally the politician retorted: "That's nothing! Who do you think created the chaos?"

31/05/21 THE PIG AND THE COW

Did you hear about the town's richest man who met with the minister after the Sunday service?

"Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die."

The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it.

'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not popular and you are. Why do you think that is?'

The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I give while I'm still alive.'"

30/05/21 WAY BACK

The following conversation was overheard at a party attended by high society people:

"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second lady and said, "And how far does your family go back?"

"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the Flood."

29/05/21 TURNING BACK

The Hebrew school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little David interrupted.

"My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

28/05/21 DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES

First Member: I thought the sermon was divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.

Second Member: It reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.

27/05/21 IN A LIFEBOAT

Three men were floating on the ocean in a lifeboat after their boat sank.

One said to the other, "Let's do something religious. Can you pray?"

"No, prayer was never my thing," he replied. "I never prayed in my life."

Turning to the other, "There must be something we can do religiously. Can you sing a hymn?'

"No, but I learned 'When the Saints Go Marching In' in a bar in New Orleans. That is the closest thing I know to a hymn" he answered.

"That just don't sound right. There must be something we can do religiously. I know! Let's take up an offering."

26/05/21 YIPPEE!

A Sunday School teacher was teaching kids about doing good things always and never to do things one will be ashamed of.

To make her point she told the kids never to do anything in private that they would not want anyone to see them do in public.

"Yippee!" cried little Johnny from the back of the class, "No more bathing!"

25/05/21 YES?

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."

24/05/21 OF NECESSITY

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

23/05/21 ABBREVIATED

The Bible in 50 words...

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

22/05/21 HORSERADISH

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his
dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."

21/05/21 CAN I TRUST YOU

Little Rodney, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"
 
"Yes," she replied.
 
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
 
She nodded her head, "Yes."
 
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."
 
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my sweets while I go swimming?"

20/05/21 MISSED THE CALL

The Pastor asked an energetic young man to help him fill some vacancies in the Sunday School teaching roster. After looking over the church roll and determining who was available, he asked one man if he would help the Pastor by teaching a class of young boys.

The man responded saying, "Let me think about it and pray over it. I'll let you know."

After a week without the man's response, the man was asked again if he would take the job of teaching the young boys.

Again, the man replied, "Let me think and pray about it. I'll let you know."

After another week and still no response, when the man was asked again if he would teach the class of young boys, he replied, "I don't think I can take the class, because I don't
think I am being called to teach."

The young man replied, "What do you mean you aren't called to teach? I've called you three times myself." - Lawrence Brotherton

19/05/21 PRACTICAL MEMORIES

There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived
home.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"

Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."

18/05/21 JESUS' GRANNY

The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School. He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus' granny.

"How did you reach that conclusion?", his mother asked.

"Well, she never stops talking about Jesus," he replied.

17/05/21 A CROSSWALK?

Daddy was driving with his two little girls safely buckled in the back seat. They came to a crosswalk with a blinking light. As Daddy began to speed up again after getting thru it the younger girl said to her sister, "Do you think Jesus really did die on a crosswalk?"

16/05/21 GOVERNMENT HELP

A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church."

The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."

15/05/21 TRUTH OF YOUTH

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

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