A Christian joke for you each day

15/10/18 CAN I TRUST YOU

Little Rodney, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Do you read your Bible every day?"

She nodded her head, "Yes."

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my sweets while I go swimming?"

14/10/18 MISSED THE CALL

The Pastor asked an energetic young man to help him fill some vacancies in the Sunday School teaching roster. After looking over the church roll and determining who was available, he asked one man if he would help the Pastor by teaching a class of young boys.

The man responded saying, "Let me think about it and pray over it. I'll let you know."

After a week without the man's response, the man was asked again if he would take the job of teaching the young boys.

Again, the man replied, "Let me think and pray about it. I'll let you know."

After another week and still no response, when the man was asked again if he would teach the class of young boys, he replied, "I don't think I can take the class, because I don't
think I am being called to teach." 

The young man replied, "What do you mean you aren't called to teach? I've called you three times myself." - Lawrence Brotherton

13/10/18 PRACTICAL MEMORIES

There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived
home.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"

Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery."

12/10/18 JESUS' GRANNY

The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School. He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus' granny.

"How did you reach that conclusion?", his mother asked.

"Well, she never stops talking about Jesus," he replied.

11/10/18 A CROSSWALK?

Daddy was driving with his two little girls safely buckled in the back seat. They came to a crosswalk with a blinking light. As Daddy began to speed up again after getting thru it the younger girl said to her sister, "Do you think Jesus really did die on a crosswalk?"

10/10/18 GOVERNMENT HELP

A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church."

The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."

09/10/18 TRUTH OF YOUTH

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

08/10/18 FRFREUDIAN SLIP

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?" "No," said the other priest.

"Well" said the first priest, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time." "Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?" "Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?" asked the first priest.

"Yes?" said the second priest. "Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."

07/10/18 HOW TRUE

A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk E-mail on the computer screen. "This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer," the child said.

"What do you mean?"

"You know. That part about 'deliver us from E-mail.' "

06/10/18 THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."


So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."
 
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" they said, "how much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10."

05/10/18 THANK YOU LORD

A Grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. "Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?"

Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.

The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put fifty dollars in the collection, and thanked the Lord!

04/10/18 GIVING THANKS

A TEENAGER who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a wild ride, they finally reached their destination. The driver's mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you."
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

03/10/18 TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

30/09/18 REVIVAL?

A church is starting a revival just down the road from my home, Their ad came out in the paper which read;

Revival, Evangelical Methodist Church,1906 Gihon Road, Parkersburg, Rev Brian Hammond,evangelist, September 7-10, 10:45 AM Sunday, 7:00PM evenings, Special Sining Each Service.

[I hope they meant Singing. Either way They're sure to get a crowd.]

29/09/18 SHELL

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. 

Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign...and somebody was standing in front of the "S"!

28/09/18 GOD'S FAVORITE

What's God's favorite dessert?

Angel food cake!

27/09/18 THE NEW CREATION

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was activated in Dec. 1970 with William Ruckelshaus as its director. The Agency had been established earlier in July by executive order of President Nixon.

THE BEGINNING In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He was immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing to file an environmental impact statement with the EPA. God was granted a temporary permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit and that, to conserve energy, he would turn the light off half the time.

God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness "night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed." The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period before....

At that point, God created Hell.

26/09/18 LATIN

An old man walks into the University Offices and says "I'd like to enrol for a Latin course."

The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?"

"Ninety-three" is the reply.

"Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?"

"Well" the man explains "I realize I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin."

The Dean thinks, and then asks "But what if you don't go to Heaven but go to - you know - the other place?"

"That's alright, I can already speak American."

25/09/18 SAINT MARY'S

Bill Gates my father is not. As church treasurer, he had two files labeled "St. Mary's Income" and "St. Mary's Expenditures." While copying them from a Macintosh to a PC,
he had no idea the PC would automatically truncate the file names to ten characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes with periods. Now the church's income is stored
in "St.Mary.sin" and expenses in "St.Mary.sex.

24/09/18 TOUCHE!

One day at an old country church, there was to be a double sermon. First, there was a young preacher boy that would preach his first sermon. After him, an old veteran preacher that was well respected in the comunity was to preach.

All of the "pre-preaching" things took place. There was good singing and nice specials among other things. These all went very well.

Well, as the time for the young preacher to preach came closer, he realized something very dreadful. He leaned over to the old preacher who was sitting next to him and said, "I forgot my Bible, and all of my notes are in it!"

The veteran preacher seemed cool and calm as he replied, "Don't worry son, God will provide. Here, use my Bible. Just speak what's on your heart, and I'm sure God will bless it."

The young man hesitantly took the old Bible, and made his way to the pulpit. Well, this preacher just started preaching away, and had a great time doing it too. The sermon he preached was so great, that at the end when there was an alter call, nearly the entire church came forward. The boy was relieved as he left the pulpit and made his way to his seat.

During the message, the old preacher started to listen to the sermon closely, as it seemed very familiar. After a few minutes, he realized what had happened. The young preacher found the notes that he was going to use for the sermon that he was about to preach. He got very nervous as the boy came down to him. "Now what am I going to do?"

The young preacher calmly said, "Don't worry. God will provide!"

23/09/18 TOP COW

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the nuns had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

The nun took the glass back to Mother Superior's bedside, and held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had downed the whole glass, down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

Mother Superior slowly raised her head, and with a pious look on her face whispered, "Don't sell that cow"

22/09/18 THE TOP TRANSLATION

There were four clergymen who were discussing the merits of the various translations of the Bible. One liked the King James Version because of its simple, beautiful English.

Another liked the American Revised Version best because it is more literal and came nearer to the original Hebrew and Greek.

Still another liked Moffat's translation because of its up-to-date vocabulary.

The fourth minister was silent. When asked to express his opinion, he replied, "I like my mother's translation best."

The other three expressed surprise. They did not know that his mother had translated the Bible.

But he assured them, "She translated it into life, every day of her life, and it was the most convincing translation I ever saw."

21/09/18 SIGNS

When I arrived at a vacuum cleaner shop, I noticed a sign stating that the business had moved. I drove around looking for the new store, and I came across a large sign:
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

There was the vacuum shop, right next to a gospel bookstore.

20/09/18 GETTING THE MESSAGE

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." 

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"

19/09/18 LESSONS FROM THE 23RD PSALM

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."

18/09/18 A MODERN GOD

When I picked up my then 4 year old daughter from religious school one Sunday, I asked her what she had learned.

She proceeded to tell me how God had made night and day one day, and the heavens and earth another, the plants, fish, animals, etc. on other days.

"And do you know what He did on the seventh day" she said. "Arrested people!"

17/09/18 TALE OF TWO PRAWNS

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. 

Time went on, and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old friends simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning strikes the water next to Justin and lo and behold, he turns back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swims back to his friends and buys them all a cocktail. 

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again!"

Christian replies, "No way man. You'll eat me. You're a shark; the enemy. I will not be tricked."

Justin cries back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ... 

.... I'm a prawn again Christian.... !!"

16/09/18 BASEBALL?

Q. When was baseball first mentioned in the bible?

A. Genesis 1:1, in the big inning*

* In the beginning

15/09/18 BESTSELLERS

In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:

"CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD" and "HOW TO ARGUE AND WIN EVERY TIME."

14/09/18 THE MODERN CHURCH

The parish not only has an Internet web site, the parish council has discussed petitioning the bishop to change the parish name to "All Saints Domain"

Everyone in the parish assumes everyone knows what "domain" means

People without email addresses are known as "the needy" An April Fool's Day joke on the pastor, several of the teenagers hid their pagers around his office, then called them all
simultaneously.Apparently it did not startle him. He said he felt like he was at Sunday liturgy.

During coffee and doughnuts after services, people are overheard wondering if confession by email would be 'licit". Someone thinks 'licit" is the name of a new software company.

A petition is circulation to partition the prayer room, creating a 'beepers-on' section.

To quiet fussy 2-year-olds, handing them pagers on 'vibrate' is more common than handing them Cheerios.

Five-year-olds actually do say "deliver us some email" during the Our Father rather than "deliver us from evil".

General Enquiries and Comments: laugh@wwj.org.nz
To Subscribe: lao-on@wwj.org.nz
To Unsubscribe: lao-off@wwj.org.nz