A Christian joke for you each day

27/07/17 269. Unusual Memorial

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

26/07/17 268. Why God Created Eve

The first 10 reasons why God created Eve.

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

25/07/17 267. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

24/07/17 266. Loch Ness Monster and the Atheist

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.

"God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ."

23/07/17 265. No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":

!!! Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
!!! There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
!!! Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
!!! We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
!!! Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
!!! Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
!!! Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
!!! We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
!!! One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
!!! Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
!!! The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
!!!We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton balls for those who think he's too loud.

Hope to see you there!

22/07/17 264. The Lesson of Lot's Wife

In a Sunday school classroom, a teacher was telling the story of Sodom and Gomorrah to her children. She explained that Lot was told to take his wife and flee, but then Lot's wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt.

A boy in the class asked, "What happened to the flea?"

21/07/17 263. Sermons

The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an hour-and-a-half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat.

To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. "The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures." Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday . . . well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"

20/07/17 262. Water to Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the minister.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

19/07/17 261. Zeal and the Graduate

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

"Hey," asked the boy in return, "don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10 inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open on his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go.

Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"

18/07/17 260. God Will Provide

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Bible scholar," he replies.

"A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

17/07/17 259. Bubba and the Pope

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've know the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

16/07/17 258. Not So Good Sermons

A young minister took a rural parish. His wife kept herself busy with ministry and hobbies. Three years later, the couple decided to move to another parish because the church was dying. As the minister cleaned out the bedroom closet, he found an egg carton filled with money. He counted out a dozen one-dollar bills and three beautifully decorated eggs.

"What's this, sugar?" he asked his wife. "Oh, honey," she said bashfully, "I was hoping you wouldn't find that." When her husband asked her to explain, she at last complied.
"You see, dear," she said in an embarrassed tone, "one of my hobbies is decorating eggs. When I get depressed, I decorate an egg and I feel better."

"Oh," the minister replied. "Tell me more. Why haven't you told me about this before?"

"Well," she continued meekly, "The only time I get depressed is when you preach a bad sermon. So I decorate an egg whenever you mess up really bad."

At that point, the minister grinned and hugged his wife. "Not a bad record, if I do say so myself! Three years, over fifty sermons a year, and only three bad ones!"

After the hug, the wife spoke up again.

"There's something else I should tell you," she said bashfully. "Every time I got a dozen eggs decorated I sold them to the women's missionary corps for a dollar."

15/07/17 257. They Won't Leave

The year was 1492 A.D., and the citizens of Rome wanted to expel the Jews. The Pope, being somewhat more openminded than his followers, decided to give the Jews a chance to be heard on this question, and challenged them to a public debate. The elders of the Jewish community considered the matter carefully.

"We have many learned and erudite men among us," they reasoned, "but the Pope is also learned and erudite. By learning and erudition alone, we may not prevail. Perhaps we may prevail by common sense." So they chose the most commonsense man among them, a crusty old fellow named Moishe, to represent them. Moishe agreed, but on one condition: The debate must be held in silence, without words.

Surprisingly, the Pope agreed. On the appointed day, the Pope and Moishe took the stage and seated themselves before the crowd.

The Pope held up three fingers.
Moishe held up one finger.

The Pope pointed with his three fingers to the four horizons: East, South, West, and North.
Moishe pointed with his one finger to the ground at their feet.

After some moments, the Pope held up the elements of the Eucharist -- the wine and the wafer.
Moishe immediately held up an apple.

Suddenly, the Pope stood up and declared, "The debate is concluded. The Jews have won. The Jews can stay."

Some days later, a cardinal finally got up the nerve to ask the Pope, "Your Holiness, just what exactly did you and Moishe say to each other?"

"First," began the Pope, "I held up three fingers to symbolize the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Then Moishe held up one finger to represent the essential Unity of God. Okay, so he got me on the first round.

"Next, I pointed to all the horizons to indicate that God is all around us. But Moishe pointed to the ground between us to indicate that God is right here with us. Okay, he got me again.

"Finally, I held up the Eucharist to indicate the redemption of humankind through the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ. But Moishe held up the apple to indicate the original sin of Adam and Eve that made that sacrifice necessary. I realized that he was right - that we are all one in Adam, and announced the Jews' victory."

Not long after that, one of the rabbis asked Moishe the same question.

"The Pope," said Moishe, "held up three fingers to say, 'The Jews must leave Rome in three days.' I held up one finger to say, 'Not one Jew will leave.' Then the Pope pointed to the horizons to say, 'The Jews must disperse into the wide world.' I pointed to the ground between us to say, 'We are staying right here!' Then," Moishe shrugged, "he held up his lunch, I held up mine, and it was all over."

14/07/17 256. Where's Jesus?

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Sammy, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Sammy how he knew this. Sammy said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

13/07/17 255. The Monk's Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 256,897,103,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 561,281,219,999,129,382,756,124,512,999 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

12/07/17 253. Which Virgin?

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

11/07/17 252. Alike?

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know How you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

10/07/17 251. Sleeping

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the Way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

09/07/17 250. One Student's Prayer

"Now I lay me down to rest,
And hope to pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I have to take."

08/07/17 249. Letter From God

One day God sent one of His angels to earth to see how things were going. The angel came back and reported to God that things were very bad and very few people seemed to even want to live a godly life. God decided he had better send another angel for a second opinion. After a short time that angel came back with the same report.

So God decided that he would send a letter to each of the people that he felt were truly willing to serve Him and encourage them to keep the faith and continue to strive in the midst of evil.

Do you know what was in that letter?

No? Oh sorry, I guess you didn't get one.

07/07/17 248. Pipe Organ

A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.

The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."

06/07/17 247. Never Heard In Church

10) "Hey, mister, get up! It's my turn to sit on the front seat!"
9) "Pastor, I was so blessed that I didn't even notice the service went over time by 35 minutes!"
8) "You know, I enjoy coming to Sunday School so much more fun than going fishing on Sunday."
7) "Oh, good! We have another missionary with us today!"
6) "Pastor, I'd like to volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the junior high Sunday School class."
5) "Yes, I would so appreciate having the opportunity to serve on the clean-up committee!"
4) "I just love singing choruses I've never heard before."
3) "Well, it seems the sanctuary is already filled, so let's just start the service early."
2) "Pastor, we would like to send you to the month-long Bible seminar on Maui."

And the number one statement never heard in church is:
1) "Nothing inspires me like the annual stewardship campaign!"

05/07/17 246. Drinkin' 'Til He's In Heaven

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said," Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

04/07/17 245. Pastor Search

The chairman of the pastor search committee informed the congregation, "Next Sunday our visiting preacher will be the Rev. Bill Oaks. If you would like to see the other preachers, you will find them hanging in the vestibule."

03/07/17 244. Top 10 Ways to Lose Your Job in Youth Ministry

If you're going to lose your job . . . lose it in one of the top 10 ways!

10. Play Peanut Butter Chubby Bunnies to see if kids really do choke.
9. Leave your Pastor's kid at an orphanage in Mexico on your annual mission trip.
8. Replace the grape juice with actual wine during communion (this would only really affect Baptists)
7. Teach girls how to smoke cigars and gamble their babysitting money in a game of poker at the girls junior high Bible Study (teaching them to tithe their winnings of course!)
6. Cut up the church's choir robes to make flags for a capture the flag game.
5. Give your Sr. Pastor a free subscription to the Victoria Secret Catalogue, sent to the church address!
4. Start a food fight at the annual church spaghetti feed!
3. Start a food fight during communion!
2. Finance the down payment of your new Mustang convertible through your youth petty cash fund.
1. Bring Dennis Rodman to speak at your True Love Waits rally.

02/07/17 243. Send the Bill

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!!"

01/07/17 242. From Dust

A little boy came home from Sunday School and went into his room to change clothes.
When he emerged, he asked his mother, "Is it true that we came from dust?" His mother replied, "Yes, dear. God made us from dust."

The kid ran back into his room and came out all excited. "Mom, I just looked under my bed, and there's somebody either coming or going!"

30/06/17 241. Calling God

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."

29/06/17 240. Preacher and Choir Director

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the Pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

28/06/17 239. You Might Be a Protestant!

1. If you believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
2. If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
3. If you have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.
4. If you complain because your Pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.
5. If you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
6. If you think "Victory in Jesus" is the national anthem.
7. If the first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."
8. If you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
9. If your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.
10. If you think worship service music has to be loud.
11. If you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and unsalted crackers.
12. If you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the Catholics.

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