A Christian joke for you each day

28/02/21 THE WITNESSING BARBER

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So please give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"

27/02/21 DIRTY WATER

A Mother decided it was time that her three sons get baptised. So, after weeks of suitable instruction she felt that it was time. One bright Sunday morning they were on their way to church where the three boys, 8, 9, and 11, were have their sins washed away.

The mother noticed that here 9 year old seemed to be particularly lost in thought so she asked him what was on his mind.

"Mom, I want to go first." he replied.

"Why do you want to first?" she asked her son with a smile.

"Because," he began with a pause in his voice, "I really don't want to be baptised in water that has all of my brother's sins floating around in it."

26/02/21 THEY'RE SURE SMALL

What are the 2 smallest insects in the bible?

The widows mite and the wicked flee!

25/02/21 WAKE UP

My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.

24/02/21 QUOTES 2001

Actual Bible College quotes! 2001

"When you boil water in the cattle the steam is very hot." (For "cattle" read "kettle")

"Sometimes I have my quiet time before I wake up in the morning."

"The spirit of the diseased will haunt the family that are living until they have sacrificed." (For "diseased" read "deceased")

"We read in the newspapers how the Pop travels around the world." (For "Pop" read "Pope")

"We need to read the Bible as a hole to determine what God's will is..." (for "hole" read "whole")

"Jesus expects the world to bow beaver Him." (For "beaver" read "before")

"Freedom of Religion has allowed Buddhists... to influenza the society." (For "influenza" read "influence")

"They say Jesus is just a good person like Guatemala, Krishna and Confucius." (For "Guatemala" read "Gautama")

"When I was growing up I was exposed to all sorts of evil...things like girls..." (ASM Application)

"The call on me to save God was so intense such that I could not just help it." (For "save" read "serve"; ASM Application)

"The draft faculty policy document "is a complication of all the policies made over the past few years." (For "complication" read "compilation") Faculty Meeting Minutes

"God allows His people to go through tuft times to test their faith." (For "tuft" read "tough")

"People should do good things and live sin..." (For "live" read "leave")

"...And surly I am with you always to the very end of the age." (For "surly" read "surely")

"...Jesus resurrection will bring about... our waling in newness of life." (For "waling" read "walking")

"the greatest single cause of atheism today is those who acknowledge Jesus with their but..." (Read "acknowledge Jesus with their mouth, but deny him with their lives.")

'First I am trying to start a relationship with people and missionaries that stay in Madagascar so that I have a staring point when I get there." (For "staring" read "starting")

"God will show me in which aria he wants to use me in." (For "aria" read "area")

"He is helping me to start care-to-shear groups that can look after me while I am on the mission field. (For "shear" read "share")

"I got an extension due to a power failure from the lecturer." (Read "I got an extension from the lecturer due to a power failure!")

"We are not to put the yolk of tradition upon their heads." (For "yolk" read "yoke")

"Israel went into the dessert and at Sinai God made a covenant with them." (For "dessert" read "desert")

23/02/21 BIGGER BULLETIN BLOOPERS

For Father's Day each father present was given a pine tree or apple tree seedling to be planted along with his children.

The Lord commanded Peter to Feed my sleep.

"Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning. Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won't take long!"

Please be in prayer for Jim and Judy, their baby daughter was born 9 months premature.

The Women's Missionary Union will meet the first yesterday in January.

The Rev. Dr. Albert Jones, our featured speaker for the breakfast, also blessed and blessed and blessed and blessed the meal.

Women on Missions (WOMS) will meet Thursday at noon. Childhood will be provided in the nursery.

The scholarship committee is accepting applications for church members attending a Baptist affiliated college this fall. Applications and guidelines are available in the vestibule. The Appalachians should be submitted by July 1st.

We will vote on six new deacons next Sunday. The following ordained men have agreed to serve if elated.

Dr. Grimes was the featured speaker for the Seniors Group. He noted that you can often avoid those usual winter colds if you avoid fatigue, loss of sleep and over-creating.

You're invited to join the Sunset Club, our church seniors group. Activities include community singing, dancing, dramatic efforts, and table games. The group is composed solely of participanting members.

Members of the Senior's Breakfast Club stretched and strained Thursday morning as Swan Johnson, local physical therapist, demonstrated several exercises during the club meeting. There will be no meeting next week.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

The Halloween Alternative Festival will be from 6:00 p.m. to 9:30 Thursday. No costumes will be permitted.

Please take note that the item in last weeks newsletter about the Halloween Alternative Festival should have read, "No scary or frightening costumes will be permitted."

The singles group will be participating in the Relay for Life next Friday to raise money for cancer research. The walk starts at 7:00p.m. with the luminary at 9:30. Walkers please remember to bring a pair of heavy rocks and comfortable walking shoes.

Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Singles Ministry Building this Saturday. We need lots of singles to volunteer for the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows need extra attention.

"Bulletin Bloopers 2003 Part III is copyright 2003 by The Sermon Fodder List and Joke A Day Ministries.

22/02/21 THE BAPTIST FAMILY AND THE DOG

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog.

They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"

Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."

So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible."

And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.

Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23".

The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.

Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"

The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."

Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"

21/02/21 SIGNS THAT YOU ATTEND A SMALL CHURCH

14. You share your pastor with another church on a "circuit" basis.

13. You cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his
family is half the congregation.

12. Your entire choir is absent when your Southern Gospel Quartet
goes on the road for a singing (think about it).

11. You meet in the Pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is
being remodeled (Yes, this really happened because I was there).

10. The Deacon board (Elder's Council, Parish Council, Pastor/Parish
Relations Committee, Session, etc.) is equal to, or greater than,
half the Sunday morning attendance (Bd mem. = or > attendance X .50 =
sm. church).

9. The church bus is a mini-van that only carries seven passengers.

8. Pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly
from his "other" job.

7. Offering is taken up only once a month.

6. Youth group age goes to 30.

5. Senior Adults age start at 40.

4. Children's Church is cancelled when the family with the most kids
goes on vacation.

3. There are more people in the choir than in the congregation.

2. Pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU ATTEND A SMALL CHURCH

1. Vestibule is also used as the Fellowship Hall.

20/02/21 FISH AND CHIPS

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be....?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so -- I am the chip monk."

19/02/21 FIREWORKS

It was the Fourth of July and the fireworks had lit up the sky.

As the last one burned out, a four-year-old piped up, "Daddy, do God's feet ever get burned?"

18/02/21 HIM TOO?

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

17/02/21 ELEMENTARY

Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve. He came back within a day and said he had found them.

Watson: "How did you find them so quickly?"

Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson, they were the only ones that didn't have belly buttons!"

16/02/21 HEAVEN?

A four-year-old asked her mother about the white stones in a graveyard. Mom replied, "That's where all the dead people are."

Much surprised, the girl asked, "That's heaven?"

15/02/21 LIFE IN THE DEEP, DARK PIT

A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out.

A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."

An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."

A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."

A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."

A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."

A Christian Scientist observed, "The pit is just in your mind."

A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."

A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."

An optimist said, "Things could be worse."

A pessimist claimed, "Things will get worse."

"Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit."

14/02/21 No Room

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.

The play was well received.

When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.

No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony
jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

13/02/21 Once Upon a Time

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

12/02/21 A Great Mistake to Make

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

11/02/21 All Knowledge

Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?


Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.

Minister: You do? Tell me.

Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.

10/02/21 For Sale Items - Jerusalem Times AD30

10. For Sale: Used Tomb. Good location! Like new! No longer occupied!


9. For Sale: Temple Curtain. Subdivided by owner. (Mat. 27:51)


8. For Sale: Used Wrap Collection. Excellent condition. You can have it for a song!


7. For Sale: Large selection of sackcloth (mourning clothes)--men's and women's, various sizes and styles. No longer needed.


6. Looking For Work: Two former guards. Willing to lie for right price. No Cemeteries! (Mat 28:11-15)


5. Companions Wanted: Long-term relationships desired. I am dying to meet you!--JC


4. Lost Item: One body lost. Big Reward for its return!--the Sanhedrin.


3. Personal to Mr. S: nah-nah, nah-nah, nah, nah--you lose!


2. Personal to JC: Well-done, Son! You da man!--Dad

And the number one classified to appear in the Jerusalem Times that First Easter is:


1. For sale: One Cross. Well used! Priceless! Best offer!

09/02/21 Give Us a Sign

The following are actual notices on church signs spotted around the country:


** Belgrade, Montana: 'Fight truth decay. . .study the Bible daily.'


** Independence, Missouri: 'Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long, and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world.


** Mineral Point, Wisconsin: 'Super Sunday every Sunday: 50-yard-line seats!'


** LaGrange, Indiana: 'I was going to waste, but Jesus recycled me.'


** Tequesta, Florida: 'It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.'


** St. Petersburg, Florida: 'Sign broken; message inside this Sunday.'


** Also from St. Petersburg: 'Forbidden fruit creates many jams.'

08/02/21 Best Preacher

Two ladies were praising the merits of their respective pastors. 'Our minister is so wonderful, he can preach a dozen sermons from the same text,' said the first woman.

'Why that's nothing,' the second responded. 'Our minister can take any text in the Bible and preach the same sermon from it!'

07/02/21 Do Unto Others

The pastor's car stalled at a stoplight. He tried to get it started, but nothing. The light turned green, and there he sat, frustrated and embarrassed, holding up traffic. The car behind could have gone around, but instead the driver added to his anguish by laying on the horn.

After another desperate attempt to get the car started, he got out and walked back to the honker. The man rolled down his window in surprise.

'Tell you what,' the pastor said. 'You go start my car, and I'll sit back here and honk the horn for you!'

31/01/21 Size Matters

One Sunday school teacher believed in dramatizing Bible morals with stories that could have specific modern applications. So the teacher said to the class of young boys, 'Forgiveness is always a virtue. Could you, for example, forgive another boy if he had hit you with his fist?'

The class gave serious thought to so grave a matter, and finally one smallish lad said, 'Yes sir, I could if he was bigger than me.'

30/01/21 If At First You Don't Succeed

A pastor was counseling a newlywed couple who had just had their first fight. 'Why would her cooking get you so mad, Tom?' asked the pastor.
'Well,' Tom replied, 'I asked if the steak was ready yet, and she told me, 'I'm sorry for the delay, dear, but it looked hopeless grilled, and it doesn't look much better fried, but if you'll be patient a little longer, I'll see what boiling does to it.''

29/01/21 Country Wisdom

Pastor Jones was on vacation and had just driven into a rural town, when he had a flat tire. 'How far is it to the next service station?' the pastor asked a farmer.

'Nigh onto two miles as the crow flies,' the farmer said.

Perturbed, the pastor asked, 'Well, how far is it if the crow has to walk and roll a flat tire?'

28/01/21 God Speaks Billboards

Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of
all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

I love you and you and you and you and... -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God

Follow me. -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

Need directions? -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

Don't make me come down there. -God

27/01/21 Picture the Scene:

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. 

(Moses) Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us. 

(General) Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close. 

(Admiral) Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short. 

(Moses) Does anyone have a solution? 

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand. 

(Moses) You! You have a solution? 

(PRMan) No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

26/01/21 A Direct Line

Little 5 yr old John ran to his Grandmother one rainy winter morning. 

"Nana! Do they have telephones in Heaven? I've got to call God right now!" he said. 

"John, why do you have to call God?" she asked. 

"Because I've been praying and praying for snow all morning and look, He made a mistake. All its doing is raining!"

25/01/21 Shakespeare

Q. What was William Shakespeare's favourite book of the bible? 

A. The book of Acts

24/01/21 All Original

What a good thing Adam had going. When he said something he knew nobody had said it before.

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