Puns - you either love 'em or love to hate 'em! I always remember friend of university days, Bruce Morine, who had the ability to bring forth the best - or the worst - of the genre. Bruce, this page is dedicated to you and all you like minded spirits out there in cyberland.


Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer. One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him, "it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."


During the cold months, we keep our little ceramic elves that we use in the garden during the summer, stored overhead in the garage. At Halloween time, when I went out in the garage, I imagined I could hear them up there, mocking me. It sounded like they were marching and doing military-type exercises..... Ever since then, I've been scared of gnome attic drills. by David Reihmer


A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"


A man was walking past a graveyard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself "That's weird" and kept walking. The next day the same man walked past the same cemetery and heard another one of Beethoven's symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself, "Now that's REALLY weird!" and kept going. The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetery and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards. The man said "I can't take this any more!" He walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!" The caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."


Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."


Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumblebee who became ill while gathering pollen but continued to work. Unfortunately, he thus infected all the flowers with his virus. The consequences are recorded in the annals of horticulture as the blight of the fumble bee.


William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?" Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell!"


1 Elephant, Medium Size 2 Rabbits (Optional) Salt & Pepper to taste Brown Gravy Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over a hot fire for about four weeks. This will serve 3800 people. If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.


A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady replied, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."


I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises. A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood. Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood. All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off. No way was I going to be pigeon towed!


Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food? "Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie." The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish - they don't eat bacon, it's against their religion." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Rabbi, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone." The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. 'Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!


1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (it's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backwards poet writes inverse. 5. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 8. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 10. The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered. 11. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 12. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 13. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.


A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm. "What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be. "Carrots and potatoes," the man replied. "Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief. "Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."


A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him. "I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!" Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"


Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??" The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."


A redneck got shot. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "we wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"


The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa does." The judge was confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going about their rounds, and trying to get into a house that they needed to search. After trying the door handle, Watson exclaimed "Oh, no, Sherlock, we'll never get in. It's locked!" At which point, Sherlock removed a yellow citrus fruit from his pocket, and squeezed the juice into the keyhole. The door then opened, and the two were able to search the house. "How did you manage that?" exclaimed Watson "A-lemon-entry, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.


14. Every calendar's days are numbered. 15. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 16. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 17. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 18. A plateau is a high form of flatter. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 21. Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall. 22. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 23. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. 24.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 25. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 26. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


Did you hear about the Irishman who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went? It finally dawned on him.


* A good pun is its own reword. * Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. * A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. * A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. * My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. * Dijon vu: The same mustard as before. * I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. * A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. * Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. * I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. * I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. * Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "the lesser of two weevils."


My office collects care packages of snack food, reading material, etc. to be sent to the Army Reserve stationed in the Middle East. Among the suggestions for gifts is rat poison, apparently to deal with a persistent problem In their housing units. "That's a first," I told my co-workers. "Now we're sending packages to Afghanistan containing weapons of mouse destruction."


Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "But you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." Expecting his comment, the expression on her face didn't even change. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."


The story is told of an African chieftan who lived in a simple grass hut, and sat on an elegant, hand carved, wood throne. After ruling for a few years, he became a bit haughty and decided that wood wasn't good enough for him, he wanted a gold throne. So he commissioned his craftsmen to create a beautiful gold throne, and he took the wood one and stored it in the small attic of his hut. A few months later, the sounds of warring natives from another tribe were heard approaching the village, and the African chief quickly assumed that they were probably going to come and steal his gold throne. So he exchanged the thrones, bringing the wooden one back down and hiding the gold throne in the attic. While he sat there anticipating the arrival of the enemy tribal warriers, suddenly the gold throne upstairs broke through the ceiling and came crashing down on the chief's head, and killed him. So what is the moral of this story? "People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."


Q: What do you get when you cross a bee with a quarter pound of beef? A: A humburger. Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite soft drink? A: Root beer! Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A: Sanka. Q: When are cooks cruel? A: When they beat the eggs and whip the cream. Q: What can be served but never eaten? A: A tennis ball. Q: What do baseball players eat on? A: Home plates! Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop? A: Getting the scoop! Q: How do you fix a broken tomato? A: With tomato paste.


Once upon a time there was a king named Ed who reigned over a small county in southern Utah. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King Ed just loved animals--all kinds of animals--and he kept bringing them in the castle with him. He had deer and water buffalo and foxes--all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with this stinky situation, and decided that the king must be dethroned and all the game returned to their natural habitat. It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.


I read of a guy who lived in Tennessee in 1889. His name was Chadsworth. He apparently was a scoundrel, and was finally hanged for horse stealing and train robbery. The only known photo of him shows him standing on the gallows. The inscription informs us: "Chadsworth, horse thief, sent to prison in 1885, escaped in 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer train six times, caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged." Well, the family didn't really want that on the record so they changed the story just a bit. It read: "Chadsworth was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Chadsworth passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." And some wag has recently added, "And thus passed the very first hanging Chad."


There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."


In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to King because of his magnificent beard. His people believed that a man's courage and strength came from his beard and thus, the man with the biggest beard was their leader. As the years passed, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the long and heavy beard in that hot and dusty climate. He wanted to shave it off. His counsellors were shocked. One said, "Don't you remember the ancient legend? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware." Benny discounted the legend and cut his beard. As the final whisker fell to the desert floor, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, but when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion: "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."


~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines. ~ Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? ~ Sea captains don't like crew cuts. ~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. ~ Without geometry, life is pointless. ~ When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. ~ Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. ~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. ~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. ~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). ~ In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a photo of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a photo of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up the shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. ~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. ~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. ~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. ~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. ~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. ~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ~ A plateau is a high form of flattery. ~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. ~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. ~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. ~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. ~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. ~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.


There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer. One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him, "it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."


As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked. "No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."


"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school teacher. "He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher. "He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny. "Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."


I got a laugh our of your Facts for Fun section last week and this week. The question about the dog in a Shakespeare play? My college roommate and I always said the dog was in MacBeth. Lady MacBeth keeps trying to throw him out of the castle in the middle of the night - after all, she keeps waking up and saying, "Out, out, damn Spot." Yes, I know it's a bad joke . . . but I thought I'd share it anyway. (They all are! David)


Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: "Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"


Bugzie had been sentenced to prison for a long time. They did not know that he was a mechanical genius when they placed him in charge of the chicken yard. He would go about picking up pieces of metal and wood. He made an engine and some wings. One day, at roll call they found that he had placed the engine and wings on the chicken shed and flown the coop.


Followers of the tiny Scottish soccer club Inverness Caledonian-Thistle refer to the club as "Caley." The team delighted fans last winter when it eliminated heavily favored Glasgow Celtic 3-1 in the Scottish Cup. The upset prompted this headline in the British tabloid the Sun: "Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious,"


It seems like every other car you see on the road has a driver who is busily engaged in a conversation on their cellphone when they should be paying attention to traffic, the road, etc. Occasionally, you hear of fatal accidents caused by people talking on their hand-held cellphone when they should be watching where they're going. I have heard that some places in the US want to pass legislation restricting the use of a cellphone while driving. I think that if a driver causes an accident because he/she was on their cellphone they should be charged with DWI ... Driving While In-talks-icated.


One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.