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Puns
- you either love 'em or love to hate 'em! I always remember
friend of university days, Bruce Morine, who had the ability to bring
forth the best - or the worst - of the genre. Bruce, this page is dedicated
to you and all you like minded spirits out there in cyberland.
MAKING DOUGH 2003-03-20
THE WINTER DRILL 2003-03-20
AWOL 2003-03-20
IN THE CEMETERY 2003-03-20
THE PLIABLE PRISONER 2003-03-20
THE HUMBLE BUMBLEBEE 2003-03-20
WILLIAM TOLD 2003-03-20
ELEPHANT STEW 2003-03-20
BUNNY ON ICE 2003-03-20
PIGEON POWER 2003-03-20
THE WILD WEST 2003-03-20
FAST PUNS 2003-03-20
NEW GROWTH 2003-03-20
FLUFFY - THE WET WABBIT 2003-03-20
ENFORCING THE LAW 2003-03-20
WAY DOWN SOUTH 2003-03-20
THE THREE BEARS TODAY 2003-03-20
INVESTIGATION 2003-03-20
MORE FAST PUNS! 2003-03-20
AIR RULES 2003-03-20
THE INEVITABLE IRISH JOKE 2003-03-21
PUNY PUNS 2003-03-21
THE WANDERING WEEVIL 2003-03-21
CARE PACKAGES 2003-03-21
COLD CAKE 2003-03-27
THE BARBER 2003-03-27
GRASS HOUSES 2003-03-27
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 2003-03-27
THE KING AND THE ANIMAL LOVER 2003-03-27
CHADWORTH FROM TENESSEE 2003-03-27
TIMOTHY AND ANTONIO 2003-03-27
BENNY'S BEARD 2003-03-27
PUN LINERS 2003-03-27
THE THREE LEGGED DOG 2003-03-27
THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM 2003-03-27
A BOASTFUL GAME 2003-03-27
JUST THE SAME 2003-03-27
NOT SO FIERY FRIARS 2003-03-27
GREAT GHANDI! 2003-03-27
MORE PUN LINERS 2003-03-27
THE PUNY PUNNER 2003-03-27
THE POURER 2003-03-27
BIRD BAGGAGE 2003-03-27
THE MAGICIAN'S KIDS 2003-03-27
THE DOG 2003-03-27
REMEMBRANCE 2003-03-27
BUGZIE 2003-03-27
SUPER SOCCER 2003-03-27
TALKING 2003-03-27
THE MOST POWERFUL 2003-03-27
WELL, WELL 2003-03-27
THE TWO HEADED COIN 2003-07-01
THE FUTURE PREACHER 2003-07-01
HIGHLY QUALIFIED 2003-07-01
ELEVEN GREAT PUNS ABOUT THE LAW-YERS 2003-07-01
PUN ALERT!! SO BAD ! 2003-07-01
A DOG NAMED MACE 2003-07-01
THE MINISTER AND THE PAINT 2006-07-19
JEOPARDY!? 2003-07-01
THE BUTCHER 2003-07-01
PAINFUL ONE LINERS - IF YOU HAVE A LONG LINE! 2004-01-17
VERY SICK 2004-01-17
MOLED! 2003-07-01
HEARTLESS 2003-07-01
KEEPING WARM? 2003-07-01
THE PICTURE 2003-07-01
SUMMER READING 2003-07-01
MERGERS 2003-07-01
ISAIAH AND HIS HORSE 2003-07-01
A MATTER OF TIME 2003-07-01
THE CALL OF NATURE 2003-07-01
FARMER KELLOG 2003-07-01
CHICKEN DINNER 2003-07-01
BEETHOVEN 2003-07-01
SCRIPTURE 2003-07-01
THE EMBALMING FLUID 2003-07-02
THE PRISONER 2003-07-02
Q AND A 2003-07-03
THE PUNISHMENT 2003-07-03
THE SOUP 2003-07-03
THE FLY AND THE COW 2003-07-03
THE READERS 2003-07-05
THE MINISTER AND THE PAINT 2003-07-05
A GOG NAMED MACE 2003-07-05
MIDDLE AGE 2003-07-08
GAME 2003-07-08
ON STRIKE 2003-10-09
THE NOBEL PRIZE 2003-10-09
THE PIGEONS 2003-10-09
CANVESSLESS 2003-10-09
THE BOSS 2003-10-09
DEFINITIONS 2003-10-09
REVENGE 2003-10-09
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT 2003-10-09
OF ZERO AND NOTHINGNESS 2003-10-09
OOPS! 2003-10-09
THE FAMILIAR 2003-10-09
IT'S NATURAL 2003-10-09
IT'S IN ORDER 2003-10-09
DISAGREEABLE 2003-10-09
MORE DEFINITIONS 2003-10-09
LOGICAL 2003-10-09
BIBLE REVELATION 2003-10-09
TOOTHLESS 2003-10-09
WOOLY HUMOUR 2003-10-09
CHRISTMAS TIME 2003-10-09
REFERENCES 2003-10-09
JUAN 2003-10-09
MANNERS 2003-10-09
THE ACCENT 2003-10-09
HOSPITAL STAFFING 2003-10-09
SOUP DU JOUR 2003-10-09
A NEW EXCUSE 2003-10-09
CHRISTMAS CHEER 2003-10-09
QUICK TAKE ... ! 2003-10-09
THE COCKROACH 2003-10-14
FISH AND CHIPS 2003-10-14
OLD HABITS 2004-01-17
NEW STAFF 2004-01-17
FAR AWAY....... 2004-01-17
QUICK QUESTION 2004-01-17
FLAT-LINED 2004-01-17
TWO BROOMS 2004-01-17
THE ROTTWEILER 2004-01-17
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE 2004-01-17
I'M SORRY 2004-01-17
THE KING AND THE ANIMAL LOVER 2004-01-17
TIED UP 2004-01-17
THE JERSEY 2004-01-17
OLD AGE 2004-01-17
A BIG MISTAKE 2004-01-17
THINK ABOUT IT! 2004-01-17
THE RATIO 2004-01-17
THE BIG DECISION 2004-01-17
DOPY DEFINITIONS 2004-01-17
NOTHING SPECIAL 2004-01-17
TWO KEYS 2004-01-17
LIGHTER 2004-01-17
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT 2004-01-17
WHICH TEAM? 2004-01-17
ON GUARD 2004-01-17
THE THOUGHT 2004-01-17
GOOD ADVICE 2004-01-17
MILK PROCESSING 2004-01-17
A PLOT 2004-01-17
COUNTING 2004-01-17
AS THEY GET OLD....... 2004-01-17
GIMME! 2004-01-17
THE GIRL 2004-01-17
NO EYE 2004-01-17
GERMAN SAUSAGE 2004-01-17
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT 2004-01-17
WHILE HIKING 2004-01-17
TOWED 2004-01-17
WHICH COUNTRY? 2004-01-17
ORGANISED 2004-01-17
SHEPHERD GATHERINGS? 2004-01-17
FOUND THEM AT LAST! 2004-01-17
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 2004-01-17
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED 2004-01-17
LITTLE NOAH 2004-01-17
IN THE DARK 2004-01-17
BOO HOO 2004-01-17
ARM ROBBERY 2004-01-17
HISTORY CLASS 2004-01-17
PROVES WISDOM 2004-01-17
THE MILLS 2004-01-17
LEGAL 2004-01-17
NEW DRUG REJECTED 2004-01-17
WHAT WAS THAT? 2004-01-17
THE DISASTER 2004-01-17
THE HOUSE SPECIAL 2004-01-17
THE DILEMNA 2004-01-17
THE DELIVERY 2004-01-17
WHAT! 2004-01-17
WHERE TO LOOK 2004-01-17
TONGUE TWISTER 2004-01-17
THE BLONDE 2004-01-17
REJECTED 2004-01-17
ARRESTED AND CHARGED 2004-01-17
FRIENDS? 2004-01-17
TWO TATES 2004-01-17
LOST! 2004-01-17
NO CURE 2004-01-17
MISSING 2004-01-17
MATHEMATICAL 2004-01-17
BY THE WAY....... 2004-01-17
FORE! 2004-01-17
LOST IN THE DESERT....... 2004-01-17
RUNNING LATE 2004-01-17
I GET IT! 2004-01-17
THE CROSS 2004-01-17
FROM WORSE TO BETTER 2004-01-17
THE FIGHT 2004-01-17
NEW SHOES 2004-01-17
IN COMMON? 2004-01-17
POOR PIG 2004-01-17
WONDERING 2004-01-17
MISTAKEN 2004-01-17
COMMUTING 2004-01-17
HUGH MCNASTY AND THE MONKERY 2005-02-26
THE LESSON 2005-02-26
MACE 2005-02-26
JESUS AND JONAH 2005-02-26
NEW BELL RINGER 2005-02-26
CONTEMPLATIVE VICAR 2005-02-26
MISSING MISSIONARY AND THE SICK CANNIBAL 2005-02-26
TOTAL ONENESS 2005-02-26
THE CONFUSED SAMARITAN 2005-02-26
GOLIATH'S GRIEF 2005-02-26
NIETZCHE 2005-02-26
A DOG'S LIFE 2005-02-26
POOR OLDE PEANUTS 2005-02-26
THE BRUTAL TRUTH! 2005-02-26
A STRANGE COMBINATION 2005-02-26
THE ANGRY ATHIEST 2005-02-26
GOOD KING WENCELESLAS -Brilliant! 2005-02-26
A TROUBLESOME FRUIT 2005-02-26
DOMESTIC PROBLEMS 2005-02-26
THE COST OF LIVING 2005-02-26
FLATTERED MINISTER 2005-02-26
DISRUPTIVE SCHOOL KIDS 2005-02-26
QUICK QUIPS! 2005-02-26
PROHIBITED! 2005-02-26
VERY QUICK QUIPS! 2005-02-26
FLYING 2006-07-19
THE SECOND OPINION 2006-07-19
FELINE FUN 2006-07-19
ANIMAL ALPHABET 2006-07-19
HOME 2006-07-19
SISTER CATHERINE 2006-07-19
THE SCAVENGER HUNT 2006-07-19
RANDOM ACTS of THINKING 2006-07-19
FURTHER PUNishment 2006-07-19
TRANSYLVANIA 2006-07-19
TO PUNDER 2006-07-19
CLUMSY BEE 2006-07-19
THE RESTAURANT 2006-07-19
HISTORY 2006-07-19
THE PANDA 2006-07-19
THE KING 2006-07-19
TALE OF TWO SEA MONSTERS 2006-07-19
COME HOME 2006-07-19
NO RECORDS 2006-07-19
TOUCHE! 2006-07-19
NOT WATCHING! 2006-07-19
THE CURE 2006-07-19
THREE+ 2006-07-19
A GREAT EXCUSE 2006-07-19
THE MANE EVENT 2006-07-19
INTELLIGENT LION 2006-07-19
RANDOM IDIOTIC SAYINGS 2007-01-22
THE PASTOR AND THE PAINTER 2007-07-10
ANOTHER ARK 2007-09-28
QUICK GROANERS 2008-02-19
SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 2008-02-28
GREEN WITH ENVY 2008-03-15
TIME FOR TEA 2008-03-20
QUICK GROANS 2008-03-20
A FRIEND OF MINIE 2008-04-02
AT THE DOCTORS 2008-04-07
TWO MEXICANS 2008-04-23
MENSA MOMENTS! 2008-04-26
THE MOUSE 2008-05-02
THE RACE 2008-10-15
THE SLIDE 2008-10-15
COMPOSED 2008-12-17
THE ICECREAMS 2009-01-23
MEDICAL CHECKUP 2009-03-04
PRIORITIES 2009-03-04
LOST 2009-03-04
RIDDLES 2009-03-28
SHOFAR 2009-07-17
THE TIE 2009-07-25
THE ROBOT 2009-09-26
RIDDLES 2009-10-08
SCHOOL WORK 2009-10-08
SOME PUNS 2009-10-08
A TALE OF TWO BAKERS 2009-11-11
SHOPPING GROANER 2009-12-11
A LONG WAY 2010-01-25
ELVIS LIVES 2010-06-08
PITHY PUNS 2010-06-08
QUESTIONS 2010-07-01
TIME FOR ANGER 2010-08-02
THE COCKROACH 2010-11-11
SOME OLDIES HERE, BUT PLENTY TO MAKE YOU SMILE 2010-11-11
THE HELPER 2010-11-19
WILLIAM TELL 2011-01-15
WILLIAM PENN 2011-01-22
THE THIEF 2011-02-09
OF COURSE! 2011-02-22
THE POLISH TRAIN 2011-04-13
QUIK QUIPS 2011-04-20
DAFFYNITIONS 2011-05-19
THE EXPLORER 2011-07-13
UNTRAVELED 2011-10-12
MARRIAGE COUNSELING 2011-10-13
PITHY PUNS- NEW AND OLD 2011-11-03
SUBJECT: PUN INTENDED! 2012-11-27
FOUR HUSBANDS 2013-02-14
MAKING DOUGH
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him,
"it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."
THE WINTER DRILL
During the cold months, we keep our little ceramic elves that we use in the garden during the summer, stored overhead in the garage. At Halloween time, when I went out in the garage, I imagined I could hear them up there, mocking me. It sounded like they were marching and doing military-type exercises.....
Ever since then, I've been scared of gnome attic drills.
by David Reihmer
AWOL
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am.
The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
IN THE CEMETERY
A man was walking past a graveyard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself "That's weird" and kept walking.
The next day the same man walked past the same cemetery and heard another one of Beethoven's symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself, "Now that's REALLY weird!" and kept going.
The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetery and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards. The man said "I can't take this any more!" He walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!"
The caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."
THE PLIABLE PRISONER
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a
large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
THE HUMBLE BUMBLEBEE
Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumblebee who became ill while gathering pollen but continued to work. Unfortunately, he thus infected all the flowers with his virus. The consequences are recorded in the annals of horticulture as the blight of the fumble bee.
WILLIAM TOLD
William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook.
One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"
Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell!"
ELEPHANT STEW
1 Elephant, Medium Size
2 Rabbits (Optional)
Salt & Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy
Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over a hot fire for about four weeks. This will serve 3800 people. If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.
BUNNY ON ICE
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
PIGEON POWER
I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.
A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood.
Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.
All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.
No way was I going to be pigeon towed!
THE WILD WEST
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
"Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish - they don't eat bacon, it's against their religion."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Rabbi, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
'Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!
FAST PUNS
1. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? (it’s a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
10. The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.
11. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
12. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
13. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
NEW GROWTH
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
FLUFFY - THE WET WABBIT
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
ENFORCING THE LAW
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
WAY DOWN SOUTH
A redneck got shot. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "we wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
THE THREE BEARS TODAY
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa does."
The judge was confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
INVESTIGATION
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going about their rounds, and trying to get into a house that they needed to search. After trying the door handle, Watson exclaimed "Oh, no, Sherlock, we'll never get in. It's locked!"
At which point, Sherlock removed a yellow citrus fruit from his pocket, and squeezed the juice into the keyhole. The door then opened, and the two were able to search the house.
"How did you manage that?" exclaimed Watson
"A-lemon-entry, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.
MORE FAST PUNS!
14. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
15. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
16. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
17. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
18. A plateau is a high form of flatter.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
21. Once you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
22. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
23. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
24.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
25. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
26. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
AIR RULES
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
THE INEVITABLE IRISH JOKE
Did you hear about the Irishman who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
PUNY PUNS
* A good pun is its own reword.
* Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
* My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
* Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.
* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
* I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
THE WANDERING WEEVIL
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "the lesser of two weevils."
CARE PACKAGES
My office collects care packages of snack food, reading material, etc. to be sent to the Army Reserve stationed in the Middle East. Among the suggestions for gifts is rat poison, apparently to deal with a persistent problem In their housing units. "That's a first," I told my co-workers. "Now we're sending packages to Afghanistan containing weapons of mouse destruction."
COLD CAKE
Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
THE BARBER
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.
It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "But you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
Expecting his comment, the expression on her face didn't even change. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
GRASS HOUSES
The story is told of an African chieftan who lived in a simple grass hut, and sat on an elegant, hand carved, wood throne. After ruling for a few years, he became a bit haughty and decided that wood wasn't good enough for him, he wanted a gold throne. So he commissioned his craftsmen to create a beautiful gold throne, and he took the wood one and stored it in the small attic of his hut. A few months later, the sounds of warring natives from another tribe were heard approaching the village, and the African chief quickly assumed that they were probably going to come and steal his gold throne. So he exchanged the thrones, bringing the wooden one back down and hiding the gold throne in the attic. While he sat there anticipating the arrival of the enemy tribal warriers, suddenly the gold throne upstairs broke through the ceiling and came crashing down on the chief's head, and killed him.
So what is the moral of this story? "People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q: What do you get when you cross a bee with a quarter pound of beef?
A: A humburger.
Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite soft drink?
A: Root beer!
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Q: When are cooks cruel?
A: When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.
Q: What can be served but never eaten?
A: A tennis ball.
Q: What do baseball players eat on?
A: Home plates!
Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: Getting the scoop!
Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste.
THE KING AND THE ANIMAL LOVER
Once upon a time there was a king named Ed who reigned over a small county in southern Utah. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King Ed just loved animals--all kinds of animals--and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.
He had deer and water buffalo and foxes--all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with this stinky situation, and decided that the king must be dethroned and all the game returned to their natural habitat.
It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.
CHADWORTH FROM TENESSEE
I read of a guy who lived in Tennessee in 1889. His name was Chadsworth. He apparently was a scoundrel, and was finally hanged for horse stealing and train robbery.
The only known photo of him shows him standing on the gallows. The inscription informs us: "Chadsworth, horse thief, sent to prison in 1885, escaped in 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer train six times, caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged."
Well, the family didn't really want that on the record so they changed the story just a bit.
It read: "Chadsworth was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Chadsworth passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
And some wag has recently added, "And thus passed the very first hanging Chad."
TIMOTHY AND ANTONIO
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.
Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."
BENNY'S BEARD
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to King because of his magnificent beard. His people believed that a man's courage and strength came from his beard and thus, the man with the biggest beard was their leader.
As the years passed, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the long and heavy beard in that hot and dusty climate. He wanted to shave it off. His counsellors were shocked.
One said, "Don't you remember the ancient legend? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
Benny discounted the legend and cut his beard. As the final whisker fell to the desert floor, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, but when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true.
Their conclusion: "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
PUN LINERS
~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
~ Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
~ Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
~ Without geometry, life is pointless.
~ When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
~ Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
~ In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
THE THREE LEGGED DOG
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A BOASTFUL GAME
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
JUST THE SAME
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a photo of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a photo of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
NOT SO FIERY FRIARS
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up the shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
GREAT GHANDI!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... what? (Oh,
man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
MORE PUN LINERS
~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
~ A plateau is a high form of flattery.
~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.
THE PUNY PUNNER
There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
THE POURER
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him,
"it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."
BIRD BAGGAGE
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."
THE MAGICIAN'S KIDS
“What's your father's occupation?" asked the school teacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.
"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.
"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."
THE DOG
I got a laugh our of your Facts for Fun section last week and this week. The question about the dog in a Shakespeare play? My college roommate and I always said the dog was in MacBeth. Lady MacBeth keeps trying to throw him out of the castle in the middle of the night - after all, she keeps waking up and saying, "Out, out, damn Spot."
Yes, I know it's a bad joke . . . but I thought I'd share it anyway. (They all are! David)
REMEMBRANCE
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:
"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"
BUGZIE
Bugzie had been sentenced to prison for a long time. They did not know that he was a mechanical genius when they placed him in charge of the chicken yard. He would go about picking up pieces of metal and wood. He made an engine and some wings. One day, at roll call they found that he had placed the engine and wings on the chicken shed and flown the coop.
SUPER SOCCER
Followers of the tiny Scottish soccer club Inverness Caledonian-Thistle refer to the club as "Caley." The team delighted fans last winter when it eliminated heavily favored Glasgow Celtic 3-1 in the Scottish Cup.
The upset prompted this headline in the British tabloid the Sun:
"Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious,"
TALKING
It seems like every other car you see on the road has a driver who is busily engaged in a conversation on their cellphone when they should be paying attention to traffic, the road, etc. Occasionally, you hear of fatal accidents caused by people talking on their hand-held cellphone when they should be watching where they're going.
I have heard that some places in the US want to pass legislation restricting the use of a cellphone while driving. I think that if a driver causes an accident because he/she was on their cellphone they should be charged with DWI ... Driving While In-talks-icated.
THE MOST POWERFUL
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.
WELL, WELL
The rural doctor came out to the farm to check on the farmer's wife.
Upon arriving, the doctor felt thirsty. He walked over to the well to bring up some cool water, but slipped and fell in.
The moral is that a doctor should take care of the sick and leave the well alone.
THE TWO HEADED COIN
A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call, 'Ted's or Hale's'."
THE FUTURE PREACHER
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnnn. . ...and into the hole he gooooes."
HIGHLY QUALIFIED
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" barked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied.
ELEVEN GREAT PUNS ABOUT THE LAW-YERS
11) Lawyers wear law suits.
10) Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.
9) A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.
8) A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
7) Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case?
6) A detective likes to have a brief case.
5) The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.
4) There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.
3) Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.
2) A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.
1) If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge.
PUN ALERT!! SO BAD !
Q: Whats the difference between a batman and a thief?
A: Batman can go without Robin.
Q. Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
A. Because she expected some change in the weather.
Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
Q. Which is worth more...an old ten dollar bill or a new one?
A. An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.
Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Season's Greetings.
Q. What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
A. Two lips!
Q. What's brown and sticky??
A. A stick.
A DOG NAMED MACE
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
THE MINISTER AND THE PAINT
A Minister had a group of trustees over to paint the parsonage. It was getting late and it looked like they were going to run out of paint, but by that time the paint store was closed. The pastor looked and noted that it was water based paint, so they added water to thin the paint and finished the job.
That night it rained cats and dogs. The pastor worried that the paint which wasn't dry would be washed from the house. Sure enough, in the morning all the paint to which they had added water was washed from the house. At that moment the clouds parted and the pastor heard a voice from above. It said "Repaint and thin no more."
JEOPARDY!?
Did you hear about the big winner on JEOPARDY!? He went home the next day, and his wife demanded, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?"
THE BUTCHER
The woman said to her butcher, "Those sausages you sold me yesterday were meat at one end and nothing but cornmeal at the other end."
The butcher replied, "Well, you know how it is . . . it's difficult these days to make both ends meat."
PAINFUL ONE LINERS - IF YOU HAVE A LONG LINE!
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
VERY SICK
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
MOLED!
Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left I overheard my daughter, Jennifer, saying, "There goes Dad again, . . .making fountains out of mole hills."
HEARTLESS
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.
"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.
"I do." said the student.
"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."
"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student
"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."
KEEPING WARM?
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their Games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
THE PICTURE
There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted. Since the preacher didn't believe in such things, he rented it.
It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible. Feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
SUMMER READING
Strategic Defense in the Space Age
by Ray Gunn
Manned Planetary Expeditions Vol. 1: Mercury
by Hugo Furst
Projectile Motion
by Fah Ling
The Complete Do-It-Yourself Guide to Amateur Astronomy
by I.C. Stars
The Physics of Rotation
by S. Pining
Science Education Today
by I. Noah Little
The Statistical Variations of Scantron Test Keys
by Noah Lot
Computers
by Kent Standm
The Past, Present and Future of the Stars in the Milky Way
by Horace Cope
MERGERS
There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporate entity known as ... "Hale Mary Fuller Grace."
=========================
A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
=========================
There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called ... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
=========================
And don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape which would have brought us Net'n'yahoo....
ISAIAH AND HIS HORSE
A young lad came home from church one day, and his mother asked him what he had learned in Sunday school. He said, "We learned about Isme." Not remembering that name in the Bible, his mother asked, "Who is Isme?" "I guess it was a horse, the horse a man by the name of Isaiah rode." "What are you talking about, there's no mention in the Bible of Isaiah riding a horse", the mother responded. "Well, he must have", said the young boy. My teacher read from the place where Isaiah said "Woah, Isme!"
A MATTER OF TIME
If you cut yourself, rub thyme into the cut, because thyme heals all wounds. - Steve Jacobson
THE CALL OF NATURE
A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."
FARMER KELLOG
I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog. Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has
quite a temper (the ram, not Ken). A bunch of ravens had their nests near by -- about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc. Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They'd fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they'd all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence. Once, though, one of the ravens didn't get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others decided to get revenge. When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up -- and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out the
other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with......
(here it comes....)
two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog's brazen ram.
CHICKEN DINNER
After a community worship service, a farmer invited the local pastors, reverend, and priest back to the farm for dinner. At the meal, each clergy was served a whole young chicken. As the three returned to their cars, a rooster was seen strutting about, chest puffed out and held high. "He sure seems full of himself," commented the pastor. "He has good cause to be proud," answered the farmer. "He just had three of his children go into the ministry."
BEETHOVEN
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
He's decomposing.
SCRIPTURE
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment, it came back on - just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor.
Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse, and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.
After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders: Jesus saves.
THE EMBALMING FLUID
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight.
Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of.
When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."
THE PRISONER
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that, deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself, but he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
However, Andy refused by telling the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Q AND A
Q: What do cat actors say on stage ?
A: Tabby or not tabby !
Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look !
Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
A: Shredded tweet !
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
A: cat-a-log !
Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !
Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!
Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!
Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they
go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'
Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!
THE PUNISHMENT
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am.
The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
THE SOUP
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.
He called the waitress over and said,
"It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Maybe it has a leek in it!"
THE FLY AND THE COW
A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was flying around. He shushed it away with his hand and it flew in the cow's ear.
He kept milking and the fly came out in the milk bucket.
The farmer thought to himself, "In one ear and out the udder".
THE READERS
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sunset.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes. I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
THE MINISTER AND THE PAINT
A Minister had a group of trustees over to paint the parsonage. It was getting late and it looked like they were going to run out of paint, but by that time the paint store was closed. The pastor looked and noted that it was water based paint, so they added water to thin the paint and finished the job.
That night it rained cats and dogs. The pastor worried that the paint which wasn't dry would be washed from the house. Sure enough, in the morning all the paint to which they had added water was washed from the house. At that moment the clouds parted and the pastor heard a voice from above. It said "Repaint and thin no more."
A GOG NAMED MACE
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
MIDDLE AGE
Rumour has it Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for middle aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more!"
GAME
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
ON STRIKE
The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!
THE NOBEL PRIZE
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
THE PIGEONS
I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car.
It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.
A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood.
Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others
were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.
All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off. No way was I going to be pigeon towed!
CANVESSLESS
A news item this morning was about a local coal miner.
It seems That his vocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings.
Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having "corrupted the murals of a miner."
THE BOSS
The Head of The Church of Humor is the Puntiff.
DEFINITIONS
Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife.
Antelope: How she married my Uncle.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted.
Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
REVENGE
Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT
Bert has this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother him, so he suggested his buddy Louie should see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.
For years, Louie refused... told Bert he was crazy. Last week, Louie finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.
A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, Louie was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
"So," Bert says, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
Louie just looked at Bert and said, "I stand corrected."
OF ZERO AND NOTHINGNESS
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL.' White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?"
OOPS!
A preacher was called upon to substitute for the regular minister, who had failed to reach the church because he was delayed in a snowstorm. The speaker began by explaining the meaning of substitute.
"If you break a window," he said, "and then place cardboard there instead, that is a substitute."
After the sermon, a woman who had listened intently shook hands with him and wishing to compliment him actually said, "You were no substitute. You were a real pane."
THE FAMILIAR
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
IT'S NATURAL
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin.........................and tonic."
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"
IT'S IN ORDER
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..
"HEBREWS"
DISAGREEABLE
A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."
A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't."
MORE DEFINITIONS
Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married.
Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic.
Castanet: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend.
Celtics: What a parasite salesman does.
Concerts: A breath mint for inmates.
Consist: A growth on an inmate.
Content: A fabric shelter for inmates.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Convent: How inmates get air conditioning.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste.
Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that loses control over his or her pupils.
Decrease: De fold in de pants.
Demote: What de king put around de castle.
Despise: De persons who work for da CIA.
Detention: What causes de stress.
Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud.
Dilate: When a person lives longer.
Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle.
Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt.
LOGICAL
Mrs. Taylor, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.
"Rome was built at night." was his answer.
"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?"
"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."
BIBLE REVELATION
Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much. Being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked with him the first few days, but he came home one day telling her he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like "big boys." He protested so loudly that she had to find another way to handle it.
She asked her neighbor Nancy if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school at a distance, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Nancy said that, since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise so she agreed.
The next school day, Nancy and her little girl set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with his friend Ronnie. This went on for a whole week. Timmy's friend noticed that this same lady was following them every day. Finally Ronnie asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
Ronnie asked, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest an' her little girl Marcy," Timmy said.
Ronnie inquired further, "Well, why does she follow us every day like that?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night Momma makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So, I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
TOOTHLESS
My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off.
Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?"
"Nothing," he replied,
"She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."
WOOLY HUMOUR
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
CHRISTMAS TIME
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
REFERENCES
Read a fascinating book I just got from the Discovery Channel. "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Centipedes".
It's good reading, but about 60% of the book is footnotes.
JUAN
Police are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales.
"It looks as if he was killed with a golf gun," one detective observes.
"A golf gun?" asks his partner. "What in the world is a golf gun?"
"I don't know," the detective answers, "but it surely made a hole in Juan."
MANNERS
The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor.
When he arrived the young operator said, "Here you are, son!"
"How dare you call me son!?!" exclaimed the outraged man.
"Well," replied the boy, . . . "I brought you up, didn't I?"
THE ACCENT
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
HOSPITAL STAFFING
When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses they have a mid-wife crisis.
SOUP DU JOUR
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Goodness gracious!" he said, "What is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
A NEW EXCUSE
A young family, feeling cramped in their small apartment, went shopping for a house. The parents looked at houses for a month before deciding on a two-story house in the country.
While driving to their new home, the mom was telling the children about the house; it was a big two-story house with lots of room. She told them about the big back yard with a swing-set; the playroom, big enough for all their toys; and each child would finally have a room of their own.
On their first night in their new home, the parents got the kids to bed later than usual, so they said they could only read one story.
The 4-year-old piped up, "No, this is a two story house!"
CHRISTMAS CHEER
My husband and I were returning home from our childbirth class at Manhattan's Beekman Hospital.
Noting my obvious pregnancy, the taxi driver, a Mr. Ho, proceeded to tell us about his wife's experience at the same hospital. She had been admitted one December 24 and the next day delivered triplets.
Visitors and staff were amused Christmas morning when they saw the newborns in the nursery and read the names on the three bassinets:
Ho, Ho, Ho.
QUICK TAKE ... !
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick’s Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
THE COCKROACH
One night, as Al was watching TV, the doorbell rang. He went to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and then left. Al picked himself up and phoned his friend Tony to tell him the bizarre story.
"That's amazing," said Tony. "The same this happened to me an hour ago! This huge cockroach rang my doorbell, and when I answered, the bug punched me in the gut and left!"
Al and Tony decided to visit their buddy Vince and get his advice. When they finished telling their tales, Vince said: "This is too weird, guys. When I got home from work this afternoon, a huge bug was waiting for me at the door. He beat me up real bad! I think we better go to the cops and get this settled."
So the three men went to the local police station and reported their experiences. The desk sergeant just shook his head. "Sorry, fellas, there's nothing we can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."
FISH AND CHIPS
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be....?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so -- I am the chip monk."
OLD HABITS
Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took their habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?
The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break".
NEW STAFF
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
FAR AWAY.......
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
Prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hits the water and lo and behold, Justin turns into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swims away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on, and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old friends simply swam away whenever he came close to them, Justin hardly realizing that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
During the next tropical storm, Justin figures that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning strikes the water next to Justin and lo and behold, he turns back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swims back to his friends and buys them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he looks for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house. As he opens the coral gate, the memories come flooding back. He bangs on the door and shouts "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again!"
Christian replies, "No way man. You'll eat me. You're a shark; the enemy. I will not be tricked."
Justin cries back, "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ...
.... I'm a prawn again Christian.... !!"
QUICK QUESTION
Why is five o'clock in the morning like a pig's tail?
It's twirly.
FLAT-LINED
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart
monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
TWO BROOMS
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
THE ROTTWEILER
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE
A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his
favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren
she found out in the snow.
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these #(@ birds!"
The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence. "Please, Dear, no cuss words in front of the chilled wren."
I'M SORRY
I was being shown round a cheese factory the other day, when I fell into a giant vat of milk by-product.
"I'm sorry", I said.
"Am I in your whey?"
THE KING AND THE ANIMAL LOVER
Once upon a time there was a king named Ed who reigned over a small county in southern Utah. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King Ed just loved animals--all kinds of animals--and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.
He had deer and water buffalo and foxes--all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with this stinky situation, and decided that the king must be dethroned and all the game returned to their natural habitat.
It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.
TIED UP
A piece of string walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him, "Hey buddy! We don't serve pieces of string here! Can't you read the sign?" And kicks the piece of string out of the bar.
So the piece of string sneaks back into the bar, and sits down, and the bartender catches him. "Hey buddy! How many times do I have to tell you? Get outta' here!" And kicks the piece of string out again.
So the string is outside the bar, and decides to create a disguise for himself to get inside. So he ties his head in a knot, and roughs up the end on top and walks confidently
back into the bar and sits down. The bartender walks up to him handing him a drink, and looking suspiciously at him, says "Hey... weren't you that piece of string I kicked out
of here just a little while ago?"
And the piece of string replies "No, I'm afraid not!"
THE JERSEY
David Beckham, the famous English soccer player, is teaching his new son Romeo the finer points about soccer. After a while Romeo asks his Dad what number he should have on his uniform when he starts playing for a team.
David replied "Wear 4 out there Romeo."
OLD AGE
Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the favorite of that English earl. However, it seems that there is a small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town's citizens are getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office.
The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run unopposed in every election since. Unfortunately, her age now hinders her from getting about. What the citizens are saying is that . . . the Earl Gray mayor, she ain't what she used to be!
A BIG MISTAKE
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.
At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.
Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.
One morning, Patty could not find the clover.
He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.
He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.
From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.
The little inconveniences were always there.
He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.
The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.
No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.
Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.
"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."
THINK ABOUT IT!
"Meditation is not what you think."
THE RATIO
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is about 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being . . . well, a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
THE BIG DECISION
My neighbour`s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickle. He was rushed to the hospital.
The next day I asked my neighbour how his son was doing, and he replied, "no change yet".
You've really only have two choices for the final curtain, "Burial or Cremation"
If you have yourself cremated, you will be making an ash of yourself!"
If you have yourself buried, as petroleum comes from fossilized bones, you will be making a fuel of yourself!"
DOPY DEFINITIONS
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the EiffelTower
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official
NOTHING SPECIAL
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied.
"We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
TWO KEYS
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
LIGHTER
The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cig- arettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the
sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This worked well. They were able to smoke because the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
Once there was a monestary well-known for the magnificent voices of the choir in their Gregorian chants. To attain this level of excellence, of course, intensive practice is needed.
The monks would rise from their beds at 4:30 am, attend their morning prayers, and gather for ninety minutes of rehersal at 5. Finally at 6:30 they would get their breakfast.
One morning, though, the monks gathered in the chancel to rehearse; the director was not there. Ten minutes passed... fifteen. No director.
The monks were cold, sleepy, hungry and growing impatient. Most of them took the opportunity to meditate and improve their souls, but all were finding it difficult.
Finally at 5:25 the director came in (brushing crumbs from his cassock, to make matters worse). As he always did, he chanted on a descending fourth, "Mor-ning!" and the monks, as they always did, replied on a further descending fourth, "Mor-ning!" All that is except one young monk, irritated beyond endurance, who sarcastically (but softly) replied "Evening!"
He didn't count on the sharp ear of the director, though, who cocked his head, frowned, and chanted in a melody made famous on Broadway...
"Someone chanted 'evening'!!"
WHICH TEAM?
It's a little-known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed by a fire, and we will
never know for whom the Tells bowled.
ON GUARD
A very rich man kept a pair of lions to guard his property. Each of them took turns being on duty. One night, a group of midgets tried to rob him but the lion on patrol caught them and ate them.
When the police arrived, the sergeant asked skeptically, "Well, so where is this group of midgets you say broke in ?" The rich man pointed proudly to his guardians and said,
"It's all in the lion of duty."
THE THOUGHT
A farmer was milking a cow and a fly was buzzing around. He shooed it away with his hand and it flew into the cow's ear. He kept milking and saw the fly in the milk bucket.
The farmer thought, "Hmmm, in one ear and out the udder."
GOOD ADVICE
For all of you suffering with the flu and other winter ailments, my doctor told me to wash in tide, because its too cold to wash out tide.
MILK PROCESSING
Did you hear about the farmer who brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized?
A PLOT
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
COUNTING
A man comes into a restaurant at 6 o'clock in the evening. "I want to have a coffee please."
The waiter brings him the coffee, the man drinks it and afterwards, he orders another, then another, then another. Finally, at 7:30, the man has drunk 5 coffees. Said the waiter to the man, when he took care of his bill, "When I drink so much coffee in the evening, I cannot sleep half of the night."
"No problem, said the man, I count until three - and then I sleep."
"And that works everytime?" asks the waiter.
"No, sometimes, I count until half past three."
AS THEY GET OLD.......
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their gripe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
GIMME!
A man goes into the doctor. He says "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc. that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle." The man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing in about it in my books!" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
THE GIRL
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond
negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied.
(You're gonna hate me for this...)
She sells C cells by the sea shore.
NO EYE
Q. What does a fish with out an eye look like?
A. Fsh
GERMAN SAUSAGE
A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs. But as the weeks went by they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived.
He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I
married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. Just let sleeping dogs lie."
WHILE HIKING
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"
Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him!
In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him!
What is the moral of this story? - Better Nate than lever!
TOWED
Q. What happened to the frog when he parked on double yellow lines?
A. He Got Toad Away...
WHICH COUNTRY?
This weekend at a flea market, my husband found a nice 4-in-1 screwdriver for $1. He also found a good 1/4" driver. They both had red handles.
Yesterday, he was on the roof working on the TV antenna and called down to me to bring him the new tool. Both of the new tools were on the front of the truck, I took them out and looked on the handles for the names. I recognized the 1/4" driver and the other had the name "4-iN-1" stamped on the handle. I wanted to be sure I carried the right tool over to him, so I called out, "Do you want the '4-iN-1?'"
He answered, "No, it's USA made."
ORGANISED
Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.
During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.
As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy.
He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
SHEPHERD GATHERINGS?
Is it true that in Biblical times shepherds sometimes had important gatherings? Yes, from time to time Shepherds have staff meetings.
FOUND THEM AT LAST!
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi primary school and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.
Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W. Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
Now that lawyers can advertise, says a reporter, you had better brace yourself for the following pitch from one who specializes in divorces: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your
honey back."
LITTLE NOAH
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"
"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."
"What happened?"
"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."
"But how did music save you?"
"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"
IN THE DARK
Wife to husband: What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband to wife: I was golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife to husband: WHAT? At 2 a.m.?!
Husband to wife: Yes dear, we used nightclubs.
BOO HOO
George decided to do a little betting so he told John he could make him cry without touching him. John told him he had not cried since he was a baby and took the bet.
George said Boo died. John said Boo Who and George said "see I made you cry."
George tried this on a couple of guys with the same results. He met up with Leroy and bet him he could make him cry. Leroy thought this is easy money and accepted. George said Boo died.
Leroy said "Who be boo?"
ARM ROBBERY
With the weather sunny and warm, the driver was cruising down the interstate highway when a huge truck crashed into the side of his car, severing the arm at the shoulder. Two young teenagers, observing the accident volunteered to rush the severed arm to the local hospital for considered restructuring to the driver's shoulder.
Several hours later, with the driver at the hospital and no sign of the young teenagers or the man's arm, the police put out an APB for the teenage drivers saying, "This is the worse case of arm robbery in police history." --Lawrence Brotherton
HISTORY CLASS
The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat.
"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom.
PROVES WISDOM
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work.' "
THE MILLS
There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is known around the world for producing the finest stationery and paper anywhere. You want wine, you go to France; you want big waves to surf, you go to southern California; you want good paper, you go to Pfilzerplatz.
Anyway, nearby Munich had a growing problem - the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and were beginning to overrun the city. So the higher-ups of Munich organized a new department to get rid of the dogs. Soon enough, they had chased all of the dogs out of the city. No one knew where they went - they just went away.
A couple of days after the dogs disappeared from Munich, they appeared in Pfilzerplatz. And because Pfilzerplatz is so much smaller than Munich, the town was soon totally overrun with the dogs. So the town's mayor decided that the town should be evacuated.
Everyone left the town, thus shutting down the paper mills. Well, a couple of days later, the townsfolk were watching the town from the hills, and they saw smoke rising from the smokestacks at the paper mills. Knowing that there weren't any humans left in the town, they knew it was the dogs running the factories. And so the mayor rushed off to Munich, found Munich's mayor and announced:
"You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
LEGAL
If you're mad at someone, first let him sit in your car, and then you can belt him.
NEW DRUG REJECTED
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.
WHAT WAS THAT?
Three retirees, each with age related hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go have a beer.
THE DISASTER
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
"This is a disaster," the husband answered, I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
THE HOUSE SPECIAL
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."
The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink, and the customer takes a big drink.
"Hey," he says, "this isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water.! Right, Lou?"
THE DILEMNA
There was this guy, and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing to do but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.......
I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.
THE DELIVERY
A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.
He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling me I'm not sterile!"
WHAT!
Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears. "Darling, what's the matter?" "Oh Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis?
Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now." So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis." The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing.
"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther. "Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you that you have 'tuberculosis', he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!
WHERE TO LOOK
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.
Later, when he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was looking for!
All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep.
TONGUE TWISTER
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs
delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food. For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm! That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddle peepers.
THE BLONDE
Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by?
The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."
The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?"
The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"
REJECTED
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13.. Czech Bouncers
12. New Dehli Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10.. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
ARRESTED AND CHARGED
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
FRIENDS?
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
TWO TATES
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
LOST!
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the Bathroom fixtures. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
NO CURE
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip Of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,² The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
MISSING
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to The local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
MATHEMATICAL
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept On an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
BY THE WAY.......
By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them And one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
FORE!
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my
friends that I've hit my first holy one!" - Stan "The Punster" Kegel.
LOST IN THE DESERT.......
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara). As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says Don Pedro. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. Pepe!! Pepe!! Que asa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a
Bacon Tree" Wait for it...... .... ..... ..... ..... ..... "ees... a.... Ham bush"
RUNNING LATE
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Ah, too Bad!! Just missed it by a half hour!"
I GET IT!
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?"
The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft."
"Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?"
"Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.
"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. "It's Row vs Wade."
THE CROSS
Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a sheep with a porcupine?
They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
FROM WORSE TO BETTER
Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!
THE FIGHT
Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had?
They're no longer on a first-name basis.
NEW SHOES
Did you hear about the man with two left feet who went into the shoe shop?
He asked, "Do you have any flip-flips?"
IN COMMON?
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
POOR PIG
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.
WONDERING
Did you hear about the guy who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
MISTAKEN
How do you get down off of an elephant?
You don't, you get down off of a duck.
COMMUTING
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
HUGH MCNASTY AND THE MONKERY
Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon they were flocking to the shop.
Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen. They politely declined.
So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to convince the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well.
Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest and his children to visit the monks, asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work.
Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a cudgel, shattered the windows of the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monk's black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business.
Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery. Proving, of course... Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
THE LESSON
A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.
Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.
MACE
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
JESUS AND JONAH
What did Jesus have in common with the fish that swallowed Jonah?
Jesus had dinner with a sinner, and the fish had a sinner for dinner.
NEW BELL RINGER
Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"
..wait for it...
wait for it.....
.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly, " But his face rings a bell."
WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless camponologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs...... "What as happened? Who is this man?" they cried. " I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........
wait for it.......
wait for it
wait for it
........." I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
CONTEMPLATIVE VICAR
A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter."
"What do you say that", enquires the parishioner.
The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."
MISSING MISSIONARY AND THE SICK CANNIBAL
Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary? He boiled him and he was a friar!
TOTAL ONENESS
What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything.
THE CONFUSED SAMARITAN
A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"
GOLIATH'S GRIEF
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone?
Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.
NIETZCHE
A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche.
The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.
A DOG'S LIFE
Did you hear about the man who bought had a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.
POOR OLDE PEANUTS
Did you hear about the two peanuts that went walking around the Bronx in the middle of the night? One of them was assaulted.
THE BRUTAL TRUTH!
A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate £75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."
A STRANGE COMBINATION
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
THE ANGRY ATHIEST
The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!
GOOD KING WENCELESLAS -Brilliant!
Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?
A TROUBLESOME FRUIT
It wasn't the apple that caused the trouble in the Garden of Eden, it was the pair on the ground.
DOMESTIC PROBLEMS
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.
Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."
THE COST OF LIVING
God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?" Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."
God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"
FLATTERED MINISTER
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
DISRUPTIVE SCHOOL KIDS
What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children? - "I can't control my pupils."
QUICK QUIPS!
Speculate - You are three weeks overdue with delivering my new pair of glasses.(Simon Champion)
Somersault: Seasoning used during the warm months of the year. (Doug Drill)
Courtship: Chartered cruise boat for a group of judges (Stan Kegel)
Reduce: The tennis game is tied again. (Tim Bruening)
Demonstrate: A reformed devil. (Guy Ben-Moshe)
Lite: A bulb that uses 22% fewer watts (Cynthia MacGregor)
Goodbye: A purchase at a garage sale (Stan Kegel)
Geriatric: Mr. Lewis scores three times in one hockey game! (Bob Dvorak)
Passport: To drive by the docks
Metallurgy: The study of how to keep people from being allergic to metals. (Cryptoquote)
Abundance: Big party held in a bakery. (Douglas Helsel)
Groupie: Scheduled bus stop to empty your bladder (Stan Kegel)
Accounting: a-one, a-two, a-three, a-four... (Douglas Helsel)
Cuban: Forbid the letter between "P" and "R". (Tim Breuning)
Eureka: EUREKA that cheap cologne (Stan Kegel)
Farce: This is as FARCE the bus goes. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Ganglion: Leo left the pride, fell into bad company and became a GANGLION. (Ken Pinkham)
Formaldehyde: "The police came to my door looking for my cousin Melvin, I told them there ain't no place FORMALDEHYDE in the house, it's too small." (Darnell)
Exclaim: Watch my EXCLAIM more than he's entitled to in the divorce! (Cynthia MacGregor)
Moustache: Before the police arrive, I MOUSTACHE this pot where they can't find it. (Stan Kegel)
Kama sutra: The surgeon has finished the operation. Now we're only waiting for the intern to KAMA SUTRA the incision. (Gary Hallock)
Emulate: Dorothy's uncle told his wife, "EMULATE getting into the storm cellar!" (Cynthia MacGregor)
Emboss: I had to tell my secretary I EMBOSS around here. (Stan Kegel)
PROHIBITED!
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
*
*
*
Picabo, ICU.
VERY QUICK QUIPS!
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - The same mustard as before.
- Vuja de - The feeling that what you are experiencing has never happened before.
- Shotgun wedding:? A case of wife or death.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred.
- Definition of a will: A dead give away.
- In democracy your vote counts.? In feudalism your Count votes.
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia:? The LAN down under.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
FLYING
"How far do you travel on your yearly preaching circuit, Brother Tuck?"
"Last year I traveled to Japan and back!"
"Gee, you must be building up a lot of frequent friar miles!"
THE SECOND OPINION
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab test."
FELINE FUN
What happened when the cat swallowed a silver dollar?
There was money in the kitty
What do you call a cat that travels by train to catch mice?
A com-mew-ter
What did the cat rest its head on when it went to sleep?
A Cat-er-pillow
What do you call a cat that likes to eat lemons?
A sour-puss
Sam: I wish I had enough money to buy one of those pedigreed hairless Sphynx cats.
Bill: Why do you want one of those?
Sam: I don't - I just wish I had that much money.
ANIMAL ALPHABET
There's a little known animal that begins with the letter X. It's actually a Greek swordfish, spelled X-I-P-H-I-I-D-A-E, and it's pronounced ZIFF-EYE-IH-DEE. As Paul Harvey might say, "Now for the REST of the story." I'd like to present an ABC primer on animal puns.
AARDVARK a million miles to put 26 animal puns in alphabetical order. I'd BADGER you and I'd keep CARPing on the subject, until I have no i-DEERs left. I'd have no EGRETs, however, as I FERRET out more animal puns. If necessary, I'd even GOPHER broke. Some may say it's a HARE-brained attempt; but, IGUANA tell you, I'm no JACKASS -- and I KID you not. I'm not doing this for a LARK (although maybe just a MITE). So don't NAG me. In fact, you OTTER try to PARROT me. But don't QUAIL from the challenge. After all, you don't have to be a RACCOONteur. So just SALMON up some courage, before you take a TERN for the worse. Don't be afraid of people saying to you, "UNICORNiest person I know." Stop crying and VIPER nose. Then say, "WALLABY a son-of-a-gun," and start singing, "Zip-a-dee doo-dah, XIPHIIDAE ay." Soon you'll be a YAK-of-all-trades, and can put all of these animal puns in a book called "Who's ZOO."
HOME
Our wand'ring minstrel son, Andrew, is home for about 6 weeks this summer as he attempts to refresh himself financially for his second year at the music school at the Hague in the Netherlands. Living in the absence of meddling parents for a full year, his inherently curly hair grew to new lengths and kinks. Upon his arrival we were a bit surprised the
see him sporting this new "natural" look and began teasing him immediately about the
unruly nature of his "fluffy do." We suggested that he should at least brush it out a bit to try and make it look a bit more civilized, but he insisted that it looks even worse when he does.
What a nuisance that must be! I guess it's true what they say. "A man's comb is his hassle!"
SISTER CATHERINE
It was the custom of the local Convent to dedicate a chair in memory of the Nun who had conscientiously applied her life to some portion of the Convent for 50 years or more.
There were, already, several chairs sitting around the monstrous oak table.
There was a chair to Sister Ann of the Kitchen who gave 52 years of providing nutritious meals to the Nuns.
There was a chair to Sister Marie of the Bells who had given 56 years of her life responsibly ringing the bells telling the Nuns of the schedule.
Then, of course, there was a chair dedicated to Sister Yvonne of the Closet who had given almost 60 years of her life keeping the Convent clean.
There had not been any Chairs dedicated for many decades because none of the Nuns had either been as responsible or had the longevity to earn such an honor.
But, all this came to a close when Sister Catherine died.
Sister Catherine had given more than 75 years of her life to the Convent, but there was a problem. She had been such a responsible Nun, had done so many things for so many people, and was the one everyone called on when an emergency arose that there was no particular place of service she had dedicated her life.
Yet, it was felt if anyone deserved a Chair, it was Sister Catherine.
The Committee went to work reviewing Sister Catherine's life, reviewing the philosophy of this august honor, and exercising their options. They knew she was deserving of this honor, but they did not know how to label the honor.
Finally the day came, and everyone was called to honor Sister Catherine.
After everyone was assembled around the massive oak table and the prestigious comments were made about her, the covering was removed from the brass plaque on the chair to proudly announce: "To Sister Catherine, Nun of the Above." (Sir Lawrence Brotherton)
THE SCAVENGER HUNT
A father created a scavenger hunt for his children to keep them occupied one summer. To make it tougher, he put all the names of the items into riddles and clues. One of his boys was adept at figuring out these clues and had gathered all the items save one. He approached his father and said, "I believe I have everything, but there is one clue of which I'm unsure. Can you tell me, is the answer to the final clue 'two bees'?"
His father replied, "I cannot say. But I will tell you this, 'two bees, or not two bees, that is the quest, son.'"
RANDOM ACTS of THINKING
If you cross a zebra with a chicken, will you get an egg with a bar code?
I knew a gal who couldn't see a movie because she didn't have 16 friends. The theater had told her Under 17 Not Admitted.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Could you call an EKG ticker tape?
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
My wife and I took a massage class, but she didn't enjoy my participation. Apparently I rub her the wrong way.
Some bankers are generous to a vault.
The only book I need to tell me where I should go on vacation is my checkbook.
Is a hypocrite someone who writes a book on atheism and prays it will sell?
If God *really* wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten disciples.
I actually have too much will power. It's won't power that's in short supply.
The lion and the lamb may lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep.
Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I say it I'm compelled to wash my mouth out with chocolate.
You can cut down on the number of mistakes you make at work by coming in late.
I pawned my chess set.
I have a friend who's both a terrible actor and terribly clumsy. Last week he fell off the stage during auditions and broke his leg. It'll be the first time he's in the same cast for more than two weeks.
Yesterday I declared war on drugs. I started by glaring fiercely at my pharmacist.
My wife and I met at the hospital. We both had kidney stones. You could say we met in passing.
FURTHER PUNishment
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
TRANSYLVANIA
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe ; as it happens, in Transylvania .
They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed and bleeding,
he looks over and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry" replies the hunchback "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him." Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own serious injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination of them both, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ, for it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He
notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
TO PUNDER
- A dentist married a manicurist but they didn't get along so well. They kept
fighting tooth and nail.
- I visited a castle in England. Late one evening I saw a man in a suit of armor
carrying a torch. He was the knight light.
- Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. His summer, however, was lousy.
- The sea never speaks to the shore. It just waves.
- It only takes one mystery writer to change a light bulb, but he has to give it
a good twist.
- Is someone who gives a healing massage in Egypt called a Cairo-practor?
- Is a deaf fisherman hard of herring?
CLUMSY BEE
There was the clumsy bee who came down with a cold. As determined as ever, however, the bee gathered its pollen, only to drop it time and time again, so it had to visit quite a few flowers before it was able to hold on to the pollen. Sadly, though, it spread its illness to every single flower. That became known as the blight of the fumble bee.
THE RESTAURANT
Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.
Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemaindo! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!
Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is open.
HISTORY
Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.
True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in ink!"
Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of Independence?"
Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."•
THE PANDA
A panda walked into a restaurant and ordered a big meal. After eating it, he took out a pistol and put four shots into the ceiling and began to leave. The manager ran up and demanded: "What are you doing, shooting up my restaurant and trying to leave without paying?"
The panda answered indignantly: "I am a panda!"
"So?" replied the manager.
"Just look it up", said the panda.
They got an encyclopedia and looked up "panda". Sure enough, there it was. It said:" Panda, a large bearlike animal of Asia that eats shoots and leaves."
THE KING
Once there was a king of a small tropical island who had a rather large collection of thrones. As he acquired new thrones, he stored them in his grass hut. One night, a particularly bad storm hit the island, and the king's hut was struck by a bolt of lightning. The hut caught fire and burned to the ground.
The moral of the story is, people in grass houses should not stow thrones.
TALE OF TWO SEA MONSTERS
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsized the ship and ate it all.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate the entire thing.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
COME HOME
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
NO RECORDS
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
TOUCHE!
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
NOT WATCHING!
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"
THE CURE
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."
THREE+
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A GREAT EXCUSE
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 a.m. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!”
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
“What in the world have you been doing all night, sleeping on the job? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.
“Honest, chief,” came the reply, “I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!”
THE MANE EVENT
NO MATTER how hard he tried, Uncle Fred couldn’t discourage a pair of sparrows from trying to build a nest in his horse’s mane. Every evening, he’d brush out the twigs and grass, but the next morning, the sparrows would be at it again. He didn’t want to harm either his horse or the birds, so he sought the advice of his wise friend Sol.
Sol, who had quite a collection of home-style remedies, suggested that Uncle Fred sprinkle some brewer’s yeast into the horse’s mane. Uncle Fred didn’t see how the brewer’s yeast could help—after all, this wasn’t a flea problem. But he tried it anyway.
Sure enough, it worked! The next morning, The horse’s mane was free of twigs, and the sparrows were building their nest in a nearby tree. When asked what made this odd remedy work, Sol replied with a smile, “Well…yeast is yeast and west is west, and never the mane shall tweet.”
INTELLIGENT LION
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
RANDOM IDIOTIC SAYINGS
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
8. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
10. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
11. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
12. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
13. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
14. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
15. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
16. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
17. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
18. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
19. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
THE PASTOR AND THE PAINTER
There was a painter who went to paint a pastors house one day. The Pastor
showed him everything he wanted done and then left for the day. The
painter wondered if he had brought too little paint to complete the job,
but he decided to start anyway.
Later in the day he had completed three sides of the house and realized he
didn't quite have enough for the fourth side. The painter decided to add
water to the paint to make it go further.
When the painter was cleaning his brushes and packing up his truck the
Pastor arrived home. He began to circle the house inspecting the work that
had been done. Upon coming around the fourth side of the house the Pastor
walked calmly to the painter and said "Repaint and thin no more!"
ANOTHER ARK
One day, God speaks to Noah. 'Noah', he says, 'I want you to build another Ark.'
'What, like the last one?' asks Noah.
'Yes' replies God, 'Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks.'
'And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last time? says Noah.
'No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it'. Noah is a little puzzled. 'Just fish?' he asks.
'Yes' says God. 'In fact, just carp.'
'Just carp? Why carp?' Noah quizzes.
'Well,' says God, 'I've always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark'
QUICK GROANERS
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."
Piano players know what bar they're in. (Mike Bull)
I called the plumber on the phone, "Can you come over and fix my
kitchen sink again?" His encouraging reply, "You know I'm always at
your disposal."
A dry cleaner was indicted for money laundering. A deal is being
ironed out.
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into
our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the
claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she
wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
A large pharmaceutical company developed a new drug which, when
administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA
refused to license it. Seems it was habit-forming
Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is marriage.
I almost took someone's coffee, and they accused me of 'mugging' them.
Coffee can cause a latte problems, like heated and strong discussions.
Sometimes there are grounds for complaint. But it has its perks too.
It's good for its sedimental value. (Mike Bull)
A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a experiment with
liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the
solution.
GREEN WITH ENVY
An Irishman named O'malley proposed to his girl on St.Patrick's Day... he gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it was not real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"In honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled, "I gave you a sham rock."
TIME FOR TEA
Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time, and therefore would always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey. This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea.
QUICK GROANS
The theater critic praised the first show of the season because he did not want to stone the first cast.
Does drinking make your liverwurst?
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
In case someone wants black coffee.
Shipbuilder No. 1: "Has all of that cancer-producing material been removed from the ship's insulation?" Shipbuilder No. 2: "Asbestos I know, it has been." (James Ertner)
A FRIEND OF MINIE
"A friend of mine has a business measuring the relative
sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of
underwater coral formations."
"Sounds like a good job. Is it steady work?"
"He only works in the summer months. He takes the
winters off to avoid the frigid air."
"You mean ... ?"
"Yes. He's a frost-free reef ridge rater."
AT THE DOCTORS
Patient: Sometimes I think I'm a wigwam and other times I'm a big top.
Doctor: I think you may be too tense.
TWO MEXICANS
From: David Culbreath
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree."
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...
ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn
Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree... Eees a Ham Bush!"
MENSA MOMENTS!
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an
artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some
are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down
in the near future.
4. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
THE MOUSE
There was a young student who had included a course on computer
operation in his curriculum the coming year. Autumn rolled around
sooner than he expected, and he found himself enrolled in the computer
class.
"Now, class," his teacher said, "We will address the simple matter of
booting up today. Then getting into Windows, and a program for what
you intend to do. Word for typing, Lotus for accounting, and so forth
as the year continues."
The kids were anxious to learn about a new realm of media. The teacher
then said, "Class, I want you all to obtain a new mouse to use for the
course this year. How many of you already have gotten a new mouse?"
All the students except a few raised their hands. The teacher said,
"Next time you report for class, I want you to have a new mouse.
Understand?"
Monday, five of the six students showed up with a brand new mouse,
still wrapped. But Jason said, "Mom told me just to bring this mouse
from home."
The teacher replied, "Now, Jayson, that was nice of your Mom. But she
should know that you can't teach an old mouse new clicks."
THE RACE
Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
THE SLIDE
A chicken farmer put in a playground for his chickens to see if happier chickens made more eggs. Sure enough, his egg production increased. So, his neighbor across the road put in a playground for his chickens. In fact, he put one in with a 15 ft. slide. So, one by one, the first farmer's chickens began crossing the road to get to the other slide.
COMPOSED
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have
time to check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure
good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach
things you decide you don't want.
THE ICECREAMS
A couple with a mutual craving for something sweet drove to the
nearest Baskin-Robbins. Having bought ice cream cones, they
returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back
to enjoy themselves, two crows landed on the front hood and
began to churp and flutter, and to peck at the windshield.
The man finally figured out what they wanted. He opened the
window and put his cone on the hood. The birds immediately
settled down as they began eating it.
"You're wonderful!" said the girl, "How did you ever think
of it?"
"Nothing to it. It was just a case of ... stilling two birds with
one cone."
MEDICAL CHECKUP
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says. "What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks. "Oh," the doctor replies. "it's just a hunch."
PRIORITIES
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line." (Anne Welander)
LOST
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
(Not my ancestors, for we are Taits! But.... David)
RIDDLES
How do you unlock a haunted house?
With a skeleton key
Why was Cinderella thrown off the team?
Because she ran away from the ball
What flies but has no wings?
Time
What's the difference between a guard working the graveyard shift
and
a butcher?
One stays awake and the other weighs a steak (Stan Kegel)
Why did the track star miss his flight?
He was running late
How does a baby ghost cry?
"Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!"
What did Abe Lincoln become after his 39th year?
40 years old.
How can you tell when there is an elephant in your sandwich?
When it is too heavy to lift.
Stan Kegel
SHOFAR
There was a rather talented jazz trumpeter who had an old, respectable
Jewish uncle. The elder gentleman was very straitlaced and orthodox,
and quite adept in the honing of ceremonial ram's horns (shofar). He
also appreciated and admired his nephew's musical skill, although he
did not think it proper for a man of his position to admit it.
Of course, part of the process of finishing the horns is to sound
them, to ensure they have been thoroughly hollowed and have the
required resonance. However, the uncle's advancing age had rendered
him frequently short of breath, and unable to muster the exhalation
strength necessary to test the horns. He therefore requested that his
nephew pay him a visit to help him complete his work.
The nephew dutifully attended his uncle's invitation, and set to the
task before him with some vigor. His uncle was apparently satisfied
with their progress, but the nephew soon became a bit restless and
began puckishly scatting on the horns. This earned him a quizzical but
not disapproving look from the old man. Unabashed, the nephew gamely
asked, "So, what do you think of that, dear uncle?"
With a glint and a suppressed grin, his uncle replied, "Shofar, so
good, my boy." (By Phil Shaw)
THE TIE
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar
and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain
admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper
cables in his trunk.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a
fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes
back to the restaurant.
The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says,
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in, ....
1. "just don't start anything."
2. "just don't do anything shocking"
3. "as long as you pay cash. We don't accept charges."
4. "I guess so. I checked your tab. And you're current."
5. "just don't try to jump any of the girls."
6. "just keep positive."
7. "No cable.... We have a satellite dish...."
8. "I'm not going to server you... obviously you're already wired!"
9. "This is a rough crowd... be careful you don't get jumped!"
10. "You're late... the booster club meeting was yesterday!"
11. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then
says, " What's that supposed to be?" Man replies, "This is a power tie."
12. "Fine, just don't be forcibly jumping anybody tonight!"
13. "Fine, just don't be coupling in public, because if you arc, other
customers might find it to be an electrifying experience."
14. "I didn't mean to jump on you earlier."
15. The bounser looks him over and asks, "Why are you wearing that
cable" The man answers, "I don't want to talk about it. I'm terminally
ill."
16. "just don't start anything." If he did, could he be charged with
battery?
17. "just don't do anything shocking or revolting.
18. "as long as you pay cash. We don't accept charges." At least, not
at the current time.
19. "but are you facing any battery charges?"
20. And he said: "Are you positive I can enter?"
21. "Do you get Cable in here?"
22. "You're a reVOLTing fellow."
23. "Do you have an anti-acid I could take? I'm really drained."
24. "I'm surprised that they even let you in the door.. There is a BIG
sign just inside the doorway that reads: 'THIS IS A DRUG-FREE
EsTABLISHMENT' and you, sir, are obviously wired!"
25. "I'm wearing this because the last time I ordered Tequila here,
you served it with a salt and battery."
THE ROBOT
There was a mad scientist who hated to do menial household chores.
In particular, he hated kitchen related chores such as dishes, putting
away groceries, etc. In order to avoid wasting valuable "experiment"
time with these chores, he invented a robot to do them.
The robot, which he named 'George', would spend an hour or two each
day cleaning up the kitchen, doing dishes, that sort of thing, then it
would go back to its closet and recharge until the next day. The
scientist discovered that it was best for his schedule if the robot
did the chores in the morning, so he programmed it for that.
As mad scientists are wont to do, our friend had his whole life on a
schedule and that included grocery shopping. Every two weeks, on
Monday, from 9 to 10 AM he would do his shopping, purchasing enough
groceries to last for the two weeks until his next trip. Every other
Monday, at 10 AM, he would return home and put his groceries away.
This Monday, however, was different. He dropped the sacks into the
kitchen, told the robot to put away the groceries, and returned to his
work.
When he went into the kitchen for lunch, all was as usual; the kitchen
was sparkling, the groceries put up.
The scientist was quite proud of his accomplishment until he opened
the fridge. Everything in it was wrapped in aluminum foil! He opened
the cupboards; again, every grocery item he had just purchased was
wrapped in foil!
The scientist immediately pulled out his programming records for the
robot and spent 2 days puzzling over them. He could find no error, no
problem, nothing to explain why the robot had wrapped everything in
foil.
He decided to try an experiment, so he went a bought a few things from
the store and brought them back. He instructed the robot to put them
away, and stayed to watch.
The robot performed perfectly, with one exception, it did not cut the
larger chunks of meat into smaller chunks and wrap them up for
freezing, even though it was programmed to do so.
The scientist bought more groceries and tried several experiments, and
it was always the same: If no groceries needed repackaging, the robot
did quite well. If some groceries needed repackaging, but the robot
was left alone, it would wrap everything. If the scientist stayed with
the robot it would refuse to repackage anything.
After several days of trying to make the perverse hardware perform
correctly, the mad scientist was finally forced to admit defeat.
However, he never lost his sense of humor, which caused him to remark,
"A watched 'bot never foils!" (By Clynch Varnadore)
RIDDLES
What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
You're looking sharp!
Why are cowboys like cartoonists?
They both have to learn to draw fast.
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What do you call it when a king goes to the bathroom?
A royal flush!
Why couldn't the athlete listen to his music?
Because he broke the record!
SCHOOL WORK
Define "Parasites": What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Use "Acquaint" in a sentence: I found ACQUAINT Bed and Breakfast near
the beach.
Grammar errors & Bloopers: The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
SOME PUNS
The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung.
The chef at a family-run restaurant had to have her left leg amputated
below the knee. She came into our insurance office to file a
disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she had written, "Can't stand to cook."
Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army because
Fred wrote he had grown another foot.
A TALE OF TWO BAKERS
Two bakers lived in a small town. They were highly competitive, but
both had many customers. This changed when one baker bought a new
slicing machine, that cut four loaves at once. He could serve people faster, so he soon got all the business in the town. The other baker was forced to close.
The second bakerv went to the first baker and asked, "How were you able to get all the business in town? It seems that you got lucky all of a sudden."
The first baker replied," I'm not sure. I think it has something to do with...
...the four-loaf clever I found."
SHOPPING GROANER
While shopping at a toy store, Barry came across a long line
of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel.
As he scanned the line, he noticed his friend, Wally, waiting
with all the others. Knowing that Wally had no daughters or
young relatives, Barry figured that Wally must like the dolls
himself.
"Wally, I didn't know you were a collector!"
"I'm not," Wally replied.
"Then why are you standing in this long line?"
"Well, I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue!"
A LONG WAY
The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion, but he rejected
her for the more mundane Wendy.
Devastated by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as far
away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight from fantasy land
ended in Fresno, California, where she became a waitress at a roadside
truckstop.
One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the restaurant.
They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely, slopped chunks of food
all over the table and floor, and left Tinker Bell a measly quarter
gratuity per trucker.
The enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one of the
paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to tip a fairy, who's a
long way from home!"
ELVIS LIVES
Andrew’s mother gave him ten dollars to buy lunch for himself and his sister Terri at the diner down the street. On the way, they passed a man selling puppies for ten dollars each. Unable to resist, Andrew bought one, named it Elvis, and went home.
While he stayed outside, playing with it, Terri went inside. “Back so soon?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” said Terri. “I’m afraid we never made it to the diner.”
“Why not?”
“Because Andrew spent ten dollars on Elvis.”
“Elvis?”
“That’s right,” explained Terri. “He ate nothin’, bought a hound dog.”
PITHY PUNS
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
QUESTIONS
Where could a man buy a cap for his knee, or a key to a lock of his hair?
Could your eyes be called an school because there are pupils there?
In the crown of your head, what jewels are found?
And who travels the bridge of your nose?
Could you use the nails on the end of your toes to shingle the roof of
your mouth?
Could the crook of your elbow be sent to jail, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades? I sure don't know, do you?
Could you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand, or beat on the drum
of your ear?
Can the calves on your legs eat the corn on your toes? If so, why grow
corn on the ear?
TIME FOR ANGER
Herman was afflicted with an explosive personality that caused him more
and more problems at home and on the job. Finally, his distressed family
persuaded him to enter an anger-management course.
Herman's therapy included an alarm clock on his bedroom table that was
tuned in to his brain by electronic pulses. Every time Herman flew into
a tantrum, the clock would explode into a loud and irritating ring that
wouldn't stop until he calmed down.
For quite a while, Herman deeply resented the noisy timepiece, but
eventually he came to see that it was helping him to control his anger.
He would even sing to it: "Clock of rages, left for me. Let me chide
myself with thee."
THE COCKROACH
A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there.
The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.
The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again.
This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running
away.
The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again.
It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off.
The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and calls 911
for an ambulance.
He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.
The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds, and asks the man what
happened.
Our hero describes the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, ending with the near
fatal stabbing.
The doctor thinks for a moment, and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug
going around."
SOME OLDIES HERE, BUT PLENTY TO MAKE YOU SMILE
*
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
*
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
*
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
*
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.
*
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
*
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
*
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was accused of littering.
*
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
*
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
*
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
*
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
*
Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
*
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
*
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
*
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet'.
*
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
*
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
*
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
*
A backward poet writes inverse.
*
Feudalism: your Count that votes.
*
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
*
French porridge would be oat cuisine.
THE HELPER
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
WILLIAM TELL
It seems that William Tell, aside from being involved in such exploits as escaping across Lake Lucerne and being able to shoot an apple off his kid's head with an arrow, was also one MEAN bowler. In fact, he was so good that on occasion he was contracted out to secretly take the place of certain other bowlers in the leagues when large bets were on. The economic situation being what it was, Mr. Tell didn't mind a little money on the side.
It turns out that there was one particular Swiss nobleman who was an unusually poor bowler, and this gentleman made use of Mr. Tell's services in league matches quite often.
Finally, Tell more or less took this man's place in the league, no one being the wiser, and both men became quite wealthy as a result.
Much later, in the 1930s, Ernest Hemingway was doing some literary research in Bern when he more or less accidentally came across the diaries of this nobleman, which included a detailed account of the hitherto undiscovered arrangement between himself and Mr. Tell. So fascinated was Hemingway with this man who had had such an effect on Tell's life that he immediately began working on a book about the nobleman.
The book became a literary classic, selling millions of copies. The title, of course, was ... "For Whom the Tell Bowls."
WILLIAM PENN
William Penn is, of course, famous as the founder of the Pennsylvania Commonwealth and leader of the Quakers who settled that important area of Colonial America.
What many people do not know is that William Penn was not the only famous Penn in Philadelphia. In fact, Penn had two great-aunts who sparked an economic revolution of their own.
William Penn’s two aunts were in the bakery business, and they were famous for their pies, especially their apple cobblers and their cherry pies. However, the competition in old Philadelphia was brutal, and the other bakers bound together to try to force the two women out of business.
The other bakers lowered their prices.
But the two elderly ladies lowered their prices even more.
In fact, good William’s aunts lowered their prices so much while still baking the best pies in Philadelphia that many of the other bakers were forced out of business.
All over Philadelphia, there was talk of little else but the pie rates of Penn’s aunts.
THE THIEF
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I Had no Monet to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh.".....
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
OF COURSE!
Teacher: "Max, use 'defeat,' 'defence,' and 'detail' in a sentence."
Max: "When the rabbit cut across the field, defeat went over defence before detail."
THE POLISH TRAIN
The engineer of a train passing through Poland could see no lights
because the power had been knocked out by a severe ice storm. "We're
running out of coal, "he said to his trainman, "but I think we're coming
to Gdansk or Danzig, or whatever they call it now. Let's stop and send
the porter out to buy some more fuel. Can you see a sign on the depot
that says Gdansk in this dim light?" The trainman replied, "It appears
to be Danzig in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
QUIK QUIPS
A farmer told me he has 200 head of cattle. He thought there were only
196 until he rounded them up.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
DAFFYNITIONS
Amiss: A woman who is not married.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
City Life: Thousands of people being lonesome together.
Dandruff: Chips off the old block.
Filing Cabinet: A metal box where you can systematically lose things.
Grandparents: Grandchild's press secretary.
Honeymoon: Thrill of a wifetime.
Igloo: An icicle built for two.
Juvenile Delinquents: Somebody else's kids.
Life Insurance: The thing that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.
THE EXPLORER
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
UNTRAVELED
* I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
* I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.
* I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
* I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.
MARRIAGE COUNSELING
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. He went to his pastor for counseling.
The Pastor asked, "Please describe your two loves."
"Well, one is a great poet."
"And the other?"
"The other makes delicious pancakes."
"I see," the Pastor wisely observed. "So, you can't decide whether to marry for batter or for verse."
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PITHY PUNS- NEW AND OLD
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other,
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said,
'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
SUBJECT: PUN INTENDED!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period...
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's
no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
"Do not worry about old age; it does not last"
FOUR HUSBANDS
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her quest...ions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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