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Puns
- you either love 'em or love to hate 'em! I always remember
friend of university days, Bruce Morine, who had the ability to bring
forth the best - or the worst - of the genre. Bruce, this page is dedicated
to you and all you like minded spirits out there in cyberland.
MAKING DOUGH 2003-03-20
THE WINTER DRILL 2003-03-20
AWOL 2003-03-20
IN THE CEMETERY 2003-03-20
THE PLIABLE PRISONER 2003-03-20
THE HUMBLE BUMBLEBEE 2003-03-20
WILLIAM TOLD 2003-03-20
ELEPHANT STEW 2003-03-20
BUNNY ON ICE 2003-03-20
PIGEON POWER 2003-03-20
THE WILD WEST 2003-03-20
FAST PUNS 2003-03-20
NEW GROWTH 2003-03-20
FLUFFY - THE WET WABBIT 2003-03-20
ENFORCING THE LAW 2003-03-20
WAY DOWN SOUTH 2003-03-20
THE THREE BEARS TODAY 2003-03-20
INVESTIGATION 2003-03-20
MORE FAST PUNS! 2003-03-20
AIR RULES 2003-03-20
THE INEVITABLE IRISH JOKE 2003-03-21
PUNY PUNS 2003-03-21
THE WANDERING WEEVIL 2003-03-21
CARE PACKAGES 2003-03-21
COLD CAKE 2003-03-27
THE BARBER 2003-03-27
GRASS HOUSES 2003-03-27
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS 2003-03-27
THE KING AND THE ANIMAL LOVER 2003-03-27
CHADWORTH FROM TENESSEE 2003-03-27
TIMOTHY AND ANTONIO 2003-03-27
BENNY'S BEARD 2003-03-27
PUN LINERS 2003-03-27
THE THREE LEGGED DOG 2003-03-27
THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM 2003-03-27
A BOASTFUL GAME 2003-03-27
JUST THE SAME 2003-03-27
NOT SO FIERY FRIARS 2003-03-27
GREAT GHANDI! 2003-03-27
MORE PUN LINERS 2003-03-27
THE PUNY PUNNER 2003-03-27
THE POURER 2003-03-27
BIRD BAGGAGE 2003-03-27
THE MAGICIAN'S KIDS 2003-03-27
THE DOG 2003-03-27
REMEMBRANCE 2003-03-27
BUGZIE 2003-03-27
SUPER SOCCER 2003-03-27
TALKING 2003-03-27
THE MOST POWERFUL 2003-03-27
WELL, WELL 2003-03-27
THE TWO HEADED COIN 2003-07-01
THE FUTURE PREACHER 2003-07-01
HIGHLY QUALIFIED 2003-07-01
ELEVEN GREAT PUNS ABOUT THE LAW-YERS 2003-07-01
PUN ALERT!! SO BAD ! 2003-07-01
A DOG NAMED MACE 2003-07-01
THE MINISTER AND THE PAINT 2006-07-19
JEOPARDY!? 2003-07-01
THE BUTCHER 2003-07-01
PAINFUL ONE LINERS - IF YOU HAVE A LONG LINE! 2004-01-17
VERY SICK 2004-01-17
MOLED! 2003-07-01
HEARTLESS 2003-07-01
KEEPING WARM? 2003-07-01
THE PICTURE 2003-07-01
SUMMER READING 2003-07-01
MERGERS 2003-07-01
ISAIAH AND HIS HORSE 2003-07-01
A MATTER OF TIME 2003-07-01
THE CALL OF NATURE 2003-07-01
FARMER KELLOG 2003-07-01
CHICKEN DINNER 2003-07-01
BEETHOVEN 2003-07-01
SCRIPTURE 2003-07-01
THE EMBALMING FLUID 2003-07-02
THE PRISONER 2003-07-02
Q AND A 2003-07-03
THE PUNISHMENT 2003-07-03
THE SOUP 2003-07-03
THE FLY AND THE COW 2003-07-03
THE READERS 2003-07-05
THE MINISTER AND THE PAINT 2003-07-05
A GOG NAMED MACE 2003-07-05
MIDDLE AGE 2003-07-08
GAME 2003-07-08
ON STRIKE 2003-10-09
THE NOBEL PRIZE 2003-10-09
THE PIGEONS 2003-10-09
CANVESSLESS 2003-10-09
THE BOSS 2003-10-09
DEFINITIONS 2003-10-09
REVENGE 2003-10-09
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT 2003-10-09
OF ZERO AND NOTHINGNESS 2003-10-09
OOPS! 2003-10-09
THE FAMILIAR 2003-10-09
IT'S NATURAL 2003-10-09
IT'S IN ORDER 2003-10-09
DISAGREEABLE 2003-10-09
MORE DEFINITIONS 2003-10-09
LOGICAL 2003-10-09
BIBLE REVELATION 2003-10-09
TOOTHLESS 2003-10-09
WOOLY HUMOUR 2003-10-09
CHRISTMAS TIME 2003-10-09
REFERENCES 2003-10-09
JUAN 2003-10-09
MANNERS 2003-10-09
THE ACCENT 2003-10-09
HOSPITAL STAFFING 2003-10-09
SOUP DU JOUR 2003-10-09
A NEW EXCUSE 2003-10-09
CHRISTMAS CHEER 2003-10-09
QUICK TAKE ... ! 2003-10-09
THE COCKROACH 2003-10-14
FISH AND CHIPS 2003-10-14
OLD HABITS 2004-01-17
NEW STAFF 2004-01-17
FAR AWAY....... 2004-01-17
QUICK QUESTION 2004-01-17
FLAT-LINED 2004-01-17
TWO BROOMS 2004-01-17
THE ROTTWEILER 2004-01-17
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE 2004-01-17
I'M SORRY 2004-01-17
THE KING AND THE ANIMAL LOVER 2004-01-17
TIED UP 2004-01-17
THE JERSEY 2004-01-17
OLD AGE 2004-01-17
A BIG MISTAKE 2004-01-17
THINK ABOUT IT! 2004-01-17
THE RATIO 2004-01-17
THE BIG DECISION 2004-01-17
DOPY DEFINITIONS 2004-01-17
NOTHING SPECIAL 2004-01-17
TWO KEYS 2004-01-17
LIGHTER 2004-01-17
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT 2004-01-17
WHICH TEAM? 2004-01-17
ON GUARD 2004-01-17
THE THOUGHT 2004-01-17
GOOD ADVICE 2004-01-17
MILK PROCESSING 2004-01-17
A PLOT 2004-01-17
COUNTING 2004-01-17
AS THEY GET OLD....... 2004-01-17
GIMME! 2004-01-17
THE GIRL 2004-01-17
NO EYE 2004-01-17
GERMAN SAUSAGE 2004-01-17
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT 2004-01-17
WHILE HIKING 2004-01-17
TOWED 2004-01-17
WHICH COUNTRY? 2004-01-17
ORGANISED 2004-01-17
SHEPHERD GATHERINGS? 2004-01-17
FOUND THEM AT LAST! 2004-01-17
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 2004-01-17
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED 2004-01-17
LITTLE NOAH 2004-01-17
IN THE DARK 2004-01-17
BOO HOO 2004-01-17
ARM ROBBERY 2004-01-17
HISTORY CLASS 2004-01-17
PROVES WISDOM 2004-01-17
THE MILLS 2004-01-17
LEGAL 2004-01-17
NEW DRUG REJECTED 2004-01-17
WHAT WAS THAT? 2004-01-17
THE DISASTER 2004-01-17
THE HOUSE SPECIAL 2004-01-17
THE DILEMNA 2004-01-17
THE DELIVERY 2004-01-17
WHAT! 2004-01-17
WHERE TO LOOK 2004-01-17
TONGUE TWISTER 2004-01-17
THE BLONDE 2004-01-17
REJECTED 2004-01-17
ARRESTED AND CHARGED 2004-01-17
FRIENDS? 2004-01-17
TWO TATES 2004-01-17
LOST! 2004-01-17
NO CURE 2004-01-17
MISSING 2004-01-17
MATHEMATICAL 2004-01-17
BY THE WAY....... 2004-01-17
FORE! 2004-01-17
LOST IN THE DESERT....... 2004-01-17
RUNNING LATE 2004-01-17
I GET IT! 2004-01-17
THE CROSS 2004-01-17
FROM WORSE TO BETTER 2004-01-17
THE FIGHT 2004-01-17
NEW SHOES 2004-01-17
IN COMMON? 2004-01-17
POOR PIG 2004-01-17
WONDERING 2004-01-17
MISTAKEN 2004-01-17
COMMUTING 2004-01-17
HUGH MCNASTY AND THE MONKERY 2005-02-26
THE LESSON 2005-02-26
MACE 2005-02-26
JESUS AND JONAH 2005-02-26
NEW BELL RINGER 2005-02-26
CONTEMPLATIVE VICAR 2005-02-26
MISSING MISSIONARY AND THE SICK CANNIBAL 2005-02-26
TOTAL ONENESS 2005-02-26
THE CONFUSED SAMARITAN 2005-02-26
GOLIATH'S GRIEF 2005-02-26
NIETZCHE 2005-02-26
A DOG'S LIFE 2005-02-26
POOR OLDE PEANUTS 2005-02-26
THE BRUTAL TRUTH! 2005-02-26
A STRANGE COMBINATION 2005-02-26
THE ANGRY ATHIEST 2005-02-26
GOOD KING WENCELESLAS -Brilliant! 2005-02-26
A TROUBLESOME FRUIT 2005-02-26
DOMESTIC PROBLEMS 2005-02-26
THE COST OF LIVING 2005-02-26
FLATTERED MINISTER 2005-02-26
DISRUPTIVE SCHOOL KIDS 2005-02-26
QUICK QUIPS! 2005-02-26
PROHIBITED! 2005-02-26
VERY QUICK QUIPS! 2005-02-26
FLYING 2006-07-19
THE SECOND OPINION 2006-07-19
FELINE FUN 2006-07-19
ANIMAL ALPHABET 2006-07-19
HOME 2006-07-19
SISTER CATHERINE 2006-07-19
THE SCAVENGER HUNT 2006-07-19
RANDOM ACTS of THINKING 2006-07-19
FURTHER PUNishment 2006-07-19
TRANSYLVANIA 2006-07-19
TO PUNDER 2006-07-19
CLUMSY BEE 2006-07-19
THE RESTAURANT 2006-07-19
HISTORY 2006-07-19
THE PANDA 2006-07-19
THE KING 2006-07-19
TALE OF TWO SEA MONSTERS 2006-07-19
COME HOME 2006-07-19
NO RECORDS 2006-07-19
TOUCHE! 2006-07-19
NOT WATCHING! 2006-07-19
THE CURE 2006-07-19
THREE+ 2006-07-19
A GREAT EXCUSE 2006-07-19
THE MANE EVENT 2006-07-19
INTELLIGENT LION 2006-07-19
RANDOM IDIOTIC SAYINGS 2007-01-22
THE PASTOR AND THE PAINTER 2007-07-10
ANOTHER ARK 2007-09-28
QUICK GROANERS 2008-02-19
SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 2008-02-28
GREEN WITH ENVY 2008-03-15
TIME FOR TEA 2008-03-20
QUICK GROANS 2008-03-20
A FRIEND OF MINIE 2008-04-02
AT THE DOCTORS 2008-04-07
TWO MEXICANS 2008-04-23
MENSA MOMENTS! 2008-04-26
THE MOUSE 2008-05-02
MAKING DOUGH
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him,
"it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."
THE WINTER DRILL
During the cold months, we keep our little ceramic elves that we use in the garden during the summer, stored overhead in the garage. At Halloween time, when I went out in the garage, I imagined I could hear them up there, mocking me. It sounded like they were marching and doing military-type exercises.....
Ever since then, I've been scared of gnome attic drills.
by David Reihmer
AWOL
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am.
The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
IN THE CEMETERY
A man was walking past a graveyard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself "That's weird" and kept walking.
The next day the same man walked past the same cemetery and heard another one of Beethoven's symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself, "Now that's REALLY weird!" and kept going.
The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetery and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards. The man said "I can't take this any more!" He walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!"
The caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."
THE PLIABLE PRISONER
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a
large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
THE HUMBLE BUMBLEBEE
Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumblebee who became ill while gathering pollen but continued to work. Unfortunately, he thus infected all the flowers with his virus. The consequences are recorded in the annals of horticulture as the blight of the fumble bee.
WILLIAM TOLD
William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook.
One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"
Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell!"
ELEPHANT STEW
1 Elephant, Medium Size
2 Rabbits (Optional)
Salt & Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy
Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over a hot fire for about four weeks. This will serve 3800 people. If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.
BUNNY ON ICE
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
PIGEON POWER
I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.
A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood.
Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.
All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.
No way was I going to be pigeon towed!
THE WILD WEST
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
"Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish - they don't eat bacon, it's against their religion."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Rabbi, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
'Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!
FAST PUNS
1. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? (it’s a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
10. The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.
11. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
12. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
13. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
NEW GROWTH
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
FLUFFY - THE WET WABBIT
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
ENFORCING THE LAW
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
WAY DOWN SOUTH
A redneck got shot. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "we wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
THE THREE BEARS TODAY
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa does."
The judge was confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
INVESTIGATION
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going about their rounds, and trying to get into a house that they needed to search. After trying the door handle, Watson exclaimed "Oh, no, Sherlock, we'll never get in. It's locked!"
At which point, Sherlock removed a yellow citrus fruit from his pocket, and squeezed the juice into the keyhole. The door then opened, and the two were able to search the house.
"How did you manage that?" exclaimed Watson
"A-lemon-entry, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.
MORE FAST PUNS!
14. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
15. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
16. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
17. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
18. A plateau is a high form of flatter.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
21. Once you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
22. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
23. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
24.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
25. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
26. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
AIR RULES
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
THE INEVITABLE IRISH JOKE
Did you hear about the Irishman who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
PUNY PUNS
* A good pun is its own reword.
* Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
* My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
* Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.
* I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
* I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
THE WANDERING WEEVIL
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "the lesser of two weevils."
CARE PACKAGES
My office collects care packages of snack food, reading material, etc. to be sent to the Army Reserve stationed in the Middle East. Among the suggestions for gifts is rat poison, apparently to deal with a persistent problem In their housing units. "That's a first," I told my co-workers. "Now we're sending packages to Afghanistan containing weapons of mouse destruction."
COLD CAKE
Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
THE BARBER
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.
It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "But you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
Expecting his comment, the expression on her face didn't even change. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
GRASS HOUSES
The story is told of an African chieftan who lived in a simple grass hut, and sat on an elegant, hand carved, wood throne. After ruling for a few years, he became a bit haughty and decided that wood wasn't good enough for him, he wanted a gold throne. So he commissioned his craftsmen to create a beautiful gold throne, and he took the wood one and stored it in the small attic of his hut. A few months later, the sounds of warring natives from another tribe were heard approaching the village, and the African chief quickly assumed that they were probably going to come and steal his gold throne. So he exchanged the thrones, bringing the wooden one back down and hiding the gold throne in the attic. While he sat there anticipating the arrival of the enemy tribal warriers, suddenly the gold throne upstairs broke through the ceiling and came crashing down on the chief's head, and killed him.
So what is the moral of this story? "People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q: What do you get when you cross a bee with a quarter pound of beef?
A: A humburger.
Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite soft drink?
A: Root beer!
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Q: When are cooks cruel?
A: When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.
Q: What can be served but never eaten?
A: A tennis ball.
Q: What do baseball players eat on?
A: Home plates!
Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: Getting the scoop!
Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste.
THE KING AND THE ANIMAL LOVER
Once upon a time there was a king named Ed who reigned over a small county in southern Utah. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King Ed just loved animals--all kinds of animals--and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.
He had deer and water buffalo and foxes--all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with this stinky situation, and decided that the king must be dethroned and all the game returned to their natural habitat.
It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.
CHADWORTH FROM TENESSEE
I read of a guy who lived in Tennessee in 1889. His name was Chadsworth. He apparently was a scoundrel, and was finally hanged for horse stealing and train robbery.
The only known photo of him shows him standing on the gallows. The inscription informs us: "Chadsworth, horse thief, sent to prison in 1885, escaped in 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer train six times, caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged."
Well, the family didn't really want that on the record so they changed the story just a bit.
It read: "Chadsworth was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Chadsworth passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
And some wag has recently added, "And thus passed the very first hanging Chad."
TIMOTHY AND ANTONIO
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope.
Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."
BENNY'S BEARD
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to King because of his magnificent beard. His people believed that a man's courage and strength came from his beard and thus, the man with the biggest beard was their leader.
As the years passed, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the long and heavy beard in that hot and dusty climate. He wanted to shave it off. His counsellors were shocked.
One said, "Don't you remember the ancient legend? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
Benny discounted the legend and cut his beard. As the final whisker fell to the desert floor, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, but when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true.
Their conclusion: "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
PUN LINERS
~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
~ Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
~ Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
~ Without geometry, life is pointless.
~ When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
~ Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
~ In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
THE THREE LEGGED DOG
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A BOASTFUL GAME
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
JUST THE SAME
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a photo of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a photo of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
NOT SO FIERY FRIARS
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up the shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
GREAT GHANDI!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... what? (Oh,
man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
MORE PUN LINERS
~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
~ A plateau is a high form of flattery.
~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.
THE PUNY PUNNER
There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
THE POURER
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him,
"it's for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."
BIRD BAGGAGE
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."
THE MAGICIAN'S KIDS
“What's your father's occupation?" asked the school teacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.
"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.
"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."
THE DOG
I got a laugh our of your Facts for Fun section last week and this week. The question about the dog in a Shakespeare play? My college roommate and I always said the dog was in MacBeth. Lady MacBeth keeps trying to throw him out of the castle in the middle of the night - after all, she keeps waking up and saying, "Out, out, damn Spot."
Yes, I know it's a bad joke . . . but I thought I'd share it anyway. (They all are! David)
REMEMBRANCE
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:
"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"
BUGZIE
Bugzie had been sentenced to prison for a long time. They did not know that he was a mechanical genius when they placed him in charge of the chicken yard. He would go about picking up pieces of metal and wood. He made an engine and some wings. One day, at roll call they found that he had placed the engine and wings on the chicken shed and flown the coop.
SUPER SOCCER
Followers of the tiny Scottish soccer club Inverness Caledonian-Thistle refer to the club as "Caley." The team delighted fans last winter when it eliminated heavily favored Glasgow Celtic 3-1 in the Scottish Cup.
The upset prompted this headline in the British tabloid the Sun:
"Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious,"
TALKING
It seems like every other car you see on the road has a driver who is busily engaged in a conversation on their cellphone when they should be paying attention to traffic, the road, etc. Occasionally, you hear of fatal accidents caused by people talking on their hand-held cellphone when they should be watching where they're going.
I have heard that some places in the US want to pass legislation restricting the use of a cellphone while driving. I think that if a driver causes an accident because he/she was on their cellphone they should be charged with DWI ... Driving While In-talks-icated.
THE MOST POWERFUL
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.
WELL, WELL
The rural doctor came out to the farm to check on the farmer's wife.
Upon arriving, the doctor felt thirsty. He walked over to the well to bring up some cool water, but slipped and fell in.
The moral is that a doctor should take care of the sick and leave the well alone.
THE TWO HEADED COIN
A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call, 'Ted's or Hale's'."
THE FUTURE PREACHER
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather. and unto the Sonnnn. . ...and into the hole he gooooes."
HIGHLY QUALIFIED
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" barked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied.
ELEVEN GREAT PUNS ABOUT THE LAW-YERS
11) Lawyers wear law suits.
10) Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.
9) A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.
8) A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
7) Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case?
6) A detective likes to have a brief case.
5) The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.
4) There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.
3) Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.
2) A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.
1) If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge.
PUN ALERT!! SO BAD !
Q: Whats the difference between a batman and a thief?
A: Batman can go without Robin.
Q. Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
A. Because she expected some change in the weather.
Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
Q. Which is worth more...an old ten dollar bill or a new one?
A. An old ten dollar bill is always worth more than a new ONE.
Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Season's Greetings.
Q. What flower is in between your nose and your chin?
A. Two lips!
Q. What's brown and sticky??
A. A stick.
A DOG NAMED MACE
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
THE MINISTER AND THE PAINT
A Minister had a group of trustees over to paint the parsonage. It was getting late and it looked like they were going to run out of paint, but by that time the paint store was closed. The pastor looked and noted that it was water based paint, so they added water to thin the paint and finished the job.
That night it rained cats and dogs. The pastor worried that the paint which wasn't dry would be washed from the house. Sure enough, in the morning all the paint to which they had added water was washed from the house. At that moment the clouds parted and the pastor heard a voice from above. It said "Repaint and thin no more."
JEOPARDY!?
Did you hear about the big winner on JEOPARDY!? He went home the next day, and his wife demanded, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?"
THE BUTCHER
The woman said to her butcher, "Those sausages you sold me yesterday were meat at one end and nothing but cornmeal at the other end."
The butcher replied, "Well, you know how it is . . . it's difficult these days to make both ends meat."
PAINFUL ONE LINERS - IF YOU HAVE A LONG LINE!
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
VERY SICK
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
MOLED!
Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left I overheard my daughter, Jennifer, saying, "There goes Dad again, . . .making fountains out of mole hills."
HEARTLESS
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.
"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.
"I do." said the student.
"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."
"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student
"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."
KEEPING WARM?
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their Games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
THE PICTURE
There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted. Since the preacher didn't believe in such things, he rented it.
It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible. Feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
SUMMER READING
Strategic Defense in the Space Age
by Ray Gunn
Manned Planetary Expeditions Vol. 1: Mercury
by Hugo Furst
Projectile Motion
by Fah Ling
The Complete Do-It-Yourself Guide to Amateur Astronomy
by I.C. Stars
The Physics of Rotation
by S. Pining
Science Education Today
by I. Noah Little
The Statistical Variations of Scantron Test Keys
by Noah Lot
Computers
by Kent Standm
The Past, Present and Future of the Stars in the Milky Way
by Horace Cope
MERGERS
There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporate entity known as ... "Hale Mary Fuller Grace."
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A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
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There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called ... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
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And don't forget the failed merger |
