IT WILL MAKE YOUR DAY
Humour, these days, is often criticised for unfairly picking on a vulnerable
person or group. However I find these members of the Politically Correct
Set to be a rather miserable lot. For humour contains lots of insights
into life that cannot be easily explained in any other way. So, for the
humourless trend-setters, the following are to be read in a deep and meaningful
way. If you happen to break out in a smile or even into a spontaneous
laugh, I am assured by the experts that this will likely make your life
both longer and happier. Surely a small price to pay for a temporary lack
of Political Correctness!
Nothing Special 2003-10-10
Af-ford-able Insight! 2004-03-11
Mixed Blessings 2002-04-25
Ahoy There! 2002-04-25
Reality Check 2002-04-25
Car Count 2002-04-25
It’s Later Than You Think (x 3) Firstly...... 2002-04-25
But Wait - There’s More……. 2002-04-25
The Wisdom of Solomon 2002-04-25
Some Great 1 (or 2 or 4) Liners From My Favourite Comedian: STEVEN WRIGHT (CD: 2002-04-25
Not only Eating His Words 2002-04-25
Winner of the ‘3 Groans’ Award 2002-04-25
“Elementary, My Dear Watson” 2002-04-25
Acute Hearing 2002-04-25
An Unexpected Divorce 2002-04-25
Life is Tough 2002-04-25
With Apologies to Andrew – (My Now Scottish son) 2002-04-25
Shot in the Ear 2002-04-25
Rich Man, Poor Man 2002-04-25
‘Cheep-Cheep’ Chicken Humour (!?) 2002-04-25
The Proposal? 2002-04-25
Beginners Luck? 2002-04-25
Rubbed Out 2002-04-25
Happy Birthdays 2002-04-25
Cow Power 2002-04-25
Discretion - the Better Part of Valour 2002-04-25
Hard of Memory 2002-04-25
Doctored Advice 2002-04-25
Cavemen Talk 2002-04-25
Subject Matter 2003-04-03
One Way 2002-04-25
Invitation Declined 2002-04-25
Not Side Tracked 2002-04-25
True Repentance? 2002-04-25
Artistic Cure? 2002-04-25
Funny Money 2002-04-25
More Quips From Steven Wright 2002-04-25
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".
"And how is it?"
"Nothing much. The book was better."
A fourth grade class was doing a project on the Automobile Industry. The teacher was emphasising the important role of Henry Ford whose assembly lines had lowered unit production costs dramatically. To make sure the class understood what she had been saying she asked them, "So what did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"
One boy immediately piped up, "0% financing!"
A father gave his daughter an untrained puppy for her birthday.
An hour later, he found her in the kitchen, looking at a puddle in the centre of the floor. “Look Dad,” she said, “My pup runneth over!”
A passenger ship passes close by a small island where everyone can see a bearded man shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the Captain.
“I’ve no idea,” says the captain. “Every year we go past and he does the same routine.”
The young graduate from Harvard was so excited, just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi to a cheerful hello from the driver. “And how are you on this lovely day?”
“I’m in the class of 2001, have just graduated from Harvard, and I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me.”
The driver looks back and shakes the young man by the hand and introduces himself. “Hi, I’m Mitch – class of 99.”
Three men have made careful preparations for a walk into the desert. Asking each other what they have brought before starting off, the first says, “I’ve brought water, so we won’t go thirsty.”
The second replies, “I’ve brought food, so we won’t go hungry.”
The third then proudly adds, “I brought this car window, so we can roll it down if it gets hot.”
Five New Zealanders, travelling across Europe in an Audi Quattro, arrive at a border crossing. The Customs Officer stops them and says, “It is illegal to put 5 people into a Quattro.”
“Why,” they asked, more than a little bemused at this European logic.
“Quattro means 4,” the customs official replied.
“But Quattro is just the name of the car,” they protested. “See these papers. The car is registered to carry 5 people.”
“You can’t fool me. Quattro means 4. You have 5 people in the car, therefore you’re breaking the law.”
The New Zealanders replied, “Come on! Really! Please call over your supervisor.”
“Sorry,” responds the official, “He can’t come. He’s too busy right now with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”
It’s Later Than You Think (x 3) Firstly......
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings, which were on display at the time. “I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “So, what’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A distraught patient phoned her doctor. “Is it true,” she said, that the medication you prescribed me has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” said the doctor.
There was silence on the other end of the phone before the women answered nervously, “I’m wondering then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked, ‘NO REPEATS.’ ”
But Wait - There’s More…….
Two friends, Bill and Ben, went to the football together every Saturday for 30 years. Unfortunately, one Saturday Bill had a sudden heart attack and died. Ben was distraught.
The next week Ben had to go to the football by himself. He was so sad he called out to his friend Bill, in desperation, “Bill, is there any football in heaven?”
Highly surprised, he heard Bill reply, “Yes Ben, great news! There is twice as much football here as on earth. It’s wonderful!”
“That’s great news, Bill. I can’t wait to get there!”
“Don’t worry about that, said a buoyant Bill, “I’ve looked at next weeks team sheets and we’re both on the same team!”
The Wisdom of Solomon
Several women, trying to outdo each other, appeared in court, each accusing the other of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The judge, realising the case was frivolous decreed with Solomon-like wisdom, “Okay, I’m ready to hear the evidence…… I’ll hear the oldest first.”
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Some Great 1 (or 2 or 4) Liners From My Favourite Comedian: STEVEN WRIGHT (CD:
### My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birthmark until he was 8
### I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small
enough to fit in it.
### I was born by Caesarean Section… but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I
leave a house, I go out through the window.
### Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
### When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, “Do you have any toy
### I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So I got
some flip-up contact lenses.
### My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don’t know how she did it but she got
poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to
think about sandpaper.
### The sun got confused about daylight saving time. It rose twice. Everything had
### I was watching the Superbowl with my grandfather. The team scored a
touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they had scored another
one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
### How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
### I busted a mirror and got 7 years bad luck – but my lawyer thinks he can get me
off with five.
### When I was five years old I was on a merry-go-round. There was a gunshot
nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple
### When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went
straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between
two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
And the best of them all……
### The other day I bought a packet of powdered water. Ever since I have been
wondering what to add to it.
Not only Eating His Words
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed vacuum cleaner salesman.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners.
“Go away,” protested the old lady, “I haven’t got any money!” she exclaimed, as she tried to shut the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty,” he said, “not at least until you have seen my demonstration.”
And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”
A new Hairdressing Salon opened up right across the road from the old established Barber’s business.
They put out a big, bold sign saying:
“WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIRCUTS”
Not to be outdone, the old Barber put up his own sign:
“WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIRCUTS”
Winner of the ‘3 Groans’ Award
Dave is in bed with his wife when there is a loud knock on the door. He rolls over, sees the time is 3 o’clock, and thinks to himself, “I’m not getting out of bed at this hour.”
An even louder knock followed! “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he takes his wife’s advice and goes down and opens the door. The man standing there was obviously drunk. “Hi there,” said the stranger, “can you give me a push?”
“Get lost! It’s 3am! I was in bed!” Dave said as he slammed the door shut.
He goes back and tells his wife what had happened. “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember the night we broke down in the pouring rain, on the way to pick up the kids from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us started again? What would have happened if he had told us to get lost?”
“But this guy was drunk,” said Dave.
“It doesn’t matter says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to do to help him.”
So Dave wearily gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not easily being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out from some distance away, “Yes please.”
Being unable to see the stranger, Dave shouts out, “Where are you?”
The stranger replies, “I’m over here on your swing!”
“Elementary, My Dear Watson”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went away on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars.’
“What does that tell you? Asked Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
But what does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. “It’s elementary my dear Watson. It means someone has stolen our tent!”
An elderly gentleman had had serious hearing problems for a number of years. So finally, he went to the doctor, who was able to have him fitted with a set of hearing aids, which worked 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor a month later for a check up to be told, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told the family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. So far, I’ve changed my will three times.”
My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates. Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper. I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.
"A self-starter!" he said.
When Columbus came to America, there were no taxes, no debts, and no pollution. The women did all the work while the men hunted or fished all day. Ever since then, a bunch of idiotic do-gooders have been trying to "improve" the place.
An Unexpected Divorce
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock – one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split.
"Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that.
And, they've been together for so long too."
Life is Tough
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"
"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."
"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."
"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment."
With Apologies to Andrew – (My Now Scottish son)
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
Shot in the Ear
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."
"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "Well, how far away did they stand?"
Rich Man, Poor Man
A father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard. Despite a regular adequate income he had a "poor" mindset, always unhappy about money matters and very vocal about it.
One year at an air show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter looked up at him and said, "Dad, what do you do out here?"
He answered with a smile, "I pay the bills."
She looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him, and announced (to the delight of all around), "No wonder we're so poor!"
‘Cheep-Cheep’ Chicken Humour (!?)
Q. What do the police do with criminal chickens?
A. Grill them, of course!
# This chicken soup tastes really funny
# Why aren’t you laughing then?
Q. Is chicken soup really good for your health?
A. Not if you’re a chicken!
Q. What’s the best time to buy baby chickens?
A. When they’re going cheep-cheep!
# Did you hear the one about the 50 year old egg? It’ a very old yolk!
Q. What do you get by crossing a chicken and an octopus?
A. Enough drumsticks for the whole family!
# The latest ‘Cheep Market Research’ shows that 3 out of 4 chickens make up 75% of the world’s chicken population. Could there have been a ‘fowl-up’ in the research?
# Waiter, these eggs are too runny!
# Shall I send them back to the chef for you?
# Too late, I’m afraid – they’re off out the door!
Q. What did the baby chicken say to the big bad bully rooster?
A. Why not peck on someone your own size!
Q. How do chickens get sick?
A. They come down with people pox, of course!
Q. What happened to the man who swallowed a pound of chicken feathers?
A. He was tickled to death!
Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide!
Q. How do you get out of a hen house?
A. Go through the ‘eggs-it’!
Q. Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A. The outside, of course!
Q. What else do you get when you cross a chicken with an Octopus?
A. Eight feather dusters – of course!
Q. Why did the bubble gum cross the road?
A. It was stuck to the chickens foot!
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game. As he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that guy. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer, replying, "That's a unique proposal – but I accept!”
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever about the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped just inches short of the hole.
"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, when he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! So now you tell me!"
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
Jim: “When is your birthday David?”
John: “July 4th”
Jim: “What year?”
John: “Why, every year of course!”
Q. Why did the cow cross the road?
A. To get to the ‘udder’ side!
Jill: “An ant just crawled right over my foot.”
Joan: “Which one?”
Jill: “I don’t know. All ants look the same to me!”
Discretion - the Better Part of Valour
John: “Do you think we should take some fast track flying lessons?”
Jim: “No thanks John, I don’t believe in crash courses!”
Hard of Memory
Jill: “Joan, please help me! I’m losing my memory!”
Joan: “When did you first notice the problem?”
Jill: “What problem?”
David: “Doctor, Doctor, I’m shrinking!”
Doctor: “Now, now David, be a little patient.”
Jim: “John, I’m going to invent the wheel.”
John: “That will cause a revolution, Jim.”
A robber went into a bank, pointed a gun at the teller, and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!"
The teller said, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
Joan: “Jill, there’s a man at the door collecting for the school swimming pool.”
Jill: “That’s okay. Give him a glass of water.”
Doctor: “How did you get those dreadful bruises, David?”
David: “I started going through a revolving door.”
David: “Then I changed my mind!”
John: “Where did all the fleas go, Jim?”
Jim: “Search me, John.”
John: “Prefer not to, thanks all the same. Jim.”
Jill: "Joan, I’ve changed my mind.”
Joan: "That’s good, Jill. Does the new one work better?”
Jim: “Where do you bathe, John?
John: “In the spring, Jim.”
Jim: “John, I said where, not when!”
Joan: “Jill, I haven’t slept in 6 days.”
Jill: “Poor girl. You must be so tired Joan.”
Joan: “No, it’s okay. I sleep in the nights.”
John: “Last night I dreamed I was the tail pipe on a Ferrari.”
Jim: “What happened then?”
John: “I woke up exhausted!”
Jill: "(On the telephone) Joan, can I see you pretty soon?”
Joan: "Why? Aren’t I pretty now?”
Not Side Tracked
I keep thinking about monorails. My wife says I have a one tracked mind.
John: “Jim, why are you going round town telling everyone that I’m an idiot?”
Jim: “Very sorry Jim. Didn’t realise it was a secret.”
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realises he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"
More Quips From Steven Wright
### I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches across the world. Maybe you've seen it.
### I also collect rare photos. I have a very rare photo of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
### My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighbourhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
### I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
### I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
### Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
### If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
### You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.