JOURNEY OF LIFE
As we travel along the pathway of life we have experiences that range
from sad, to happy, to hilarious. This page is for you to share your own
and others hilarious true stories of life's weird and wonderful journey.
BABIES FOR SALE 2010-12-19
A WEIGHTY MATTER 2001-12-14
TASTY NEWS TRAVELS FAST 2001-12-14
GUMMED UP 2001-12-14
A NATURAL POSE 2001-12-14
FOOT COVER RULES 2001-12-14
EVER HELPFUL 2001-12-14
SHOOT ONE - SHOOT 'EM ALL! 2001-12-14
PLANE REIN? 2001-12-14
NOT SO 'GOOD FRIDAY' 2002-03-17
WHERE ARE YOU FROM? 2001-12-14
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE 2001-12-14
A QUICK NAP 2001-12-14
LOCKED UP 2001-12-14
A BIG TEST ANSWERED 2001-12-14
RE: REJECTED REJECTION 2001-12-14
A FAIRY WIFE 2001-12-14
A RARE MOMENT! 2002-04-26
NOT A TOUR GUIDE 2002-04-26
REAL BRAVERY 2002-04-26
HOW WE DRIVE ROUND HERE 2002-04-26
IN CONTROL? 2002-04-26
HOW FAST? 2002-04-26
HIGH STRESS 2002-04-26
BE SURE YOUR SINS WILL CATCH YOU OUT! 2002-04-26
CREAM DE LA CREAM! 2002-04-26
ITS ALL IN THE WAY YOU SAY IT 2002-04-26
HEALTH CLUB MEMBERSHIP 2002-04-26
PRISON BREAK-IN 2002-04-26
MORNING MORNING SICKNESS 2002-04-26
NO WAY! 2002-04-26
TIMELESS ENTERTAINMENT! 2002-04-26
IN THE ROUTINE 2002-04-26
BROTHERS, MAY I 2005-05-22
BE PREPARED 2002-04-26
NO STAIRS 2002-04-26
AN APPLE A DAY 2002-04-26
CHECKING FOR LEAKS 2002-04-26
PRAYING ON DUTY 2002-04-26
ALL LIT UP! 2002-04-26
MALE LOGIC 2002-04-26
CONCRETE ADVICE 2002-04-26
IF IN DOUBT....... 2002-04-26
I FIGURED 2002-04-26
LETTING GO 2002-04-26
PURE ROMANCE 2002-04-26
CINDERELLA ON THE ROOF 2002-04-26
ON THE RUN 2002-04-26
'MR TOUGH' 2002-04-26
REAL LABELLING 2002-04-26
IT'S IN THE BAG 2002-04-26
NOT A GOOD START 2002-04-26
BIRTHING A GAME? 2002-04-26
MISTEAK OR CHICKEN! 2002-04-26
Slip of theTongue 2002-10-28
The Gofer Boy 2002-10-28
The Alphabet 2002-10-28
You Try Harder 2002-10-28
A Matter of Perspective 2003-03-16
Only in Texas 2002-10-28
A Guilt Complex 2002-10-28
Flight No. 2002-10-28
True Value 2002-10-28
Get Well Soon 2002-10-28
Backward Logic 2002-10-28
The Wrong Bus 2002-10-28
Added Extras 2002-10-28
The New Employee 2002-10-28
Oh Dear! 2002-10-28
The Little Things 2002-10-28
Mixed Race 2002-10-28
Don't Forget 2002-10-28
Heat Wave 2002-10-28
Cleared for Departure 2002-10-28
Yeah, Right! 2002-10-28
The Ultimate 2002-10-28
Dear Diary 2002-10-28
THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD 2003-07-01
DOG DUTIES 2003-07-01
PREMIUM PARKING 2003-07-01
WASH LAWYERS' MOUTHS OUT WITH SOAP 2003-07-01
JUNK MAIL 2003-07-01
NO CHARGE 2003-07-01
RUSH HOUR 2003-07-01
WHERE'S THE BABY? 2003-07-01
THE HELP 2003-07-01
AND YOU, SIR? 2003-07-01
DOBBED IN 2003-07-01
NEW VIRUS 2003-07-01
SOMETHING FAMILIAR 2003-07-01
HOW OFTEN? 2003-07-01
IT'S SIMPLE 2003-07-01
LOCKED IN 2003-07-01
DO YOU DISCIPLE? 2003-07-01
A BOOB OR TWO 2003-07-01
DOCILE DUCKS 2003-07-01
SETTING THE CLOCK 2003-07-01
THE TAP 2003-07-01
QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS 2003-07-01
FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE 2003-07-01
ANYTHING WRONG? 2003-07-01
I SEE 2003-07-01
NOT SAFE 2003-07-01
CAR ALARMS 2003-07-01
HURT AND HURT 2003-07-01
CHECKING IT OUT 2003-07-01
BLACK AND BROWN 2003-07-01
THE TRICK 2003-07-01
GETTING FRIENDLY 2003-07-02
PLAYING HOUSE 2003-07-02
DETAILED DESCRIPTION 2003-07-02
OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT PROPERTY 2003-07-02
IT'S OBVIOUS, ISN'T IT? 2003-07-03
I FORGOT THAT 2003-07-03
MEMORIES, MEMORIES 2003-07-03
Practical Love 2003-07-05
LATERAL THINKING 2003-07-05
A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE 2003-07-05
CLASSIFIED AD 2003-07-08
WHAT'S FREE 2003-07-10
QUICK THINKING 2003-10-14
HOW OLD ARE YOU? 2003-10-14
YOUR POINT OF VIEW 2003-10-14
THE BANK ACCOUNT 2003-10-14
THE REAL TRUTH 2003-10-14
FIRST TIMER QUESTIONS 2003-10-14
PAPER SHORTAGE 2003-10-14
ANTHONY'S FIRST RIDE 2003-10-14
THE TOAST 2003-10-14
PUSH START 2003-10-14
THE REPLY WAS... 2003-10-14
THE GUN 2003-10-14
KNITTING CHINESE 2003-10-14
ONE AND A HALF BILLION YEARS 2003-10-14
THE TREATMENT 2003-10-14
TROOPER LOGIC 2003-10-14
A FIGHT 2003-10-14
THE SHOT 2003-10-14
POKER FACED 2003-10-14
FLYING LESSONS 2003-10-14
IT'S ALL THE SAME 2003-10-14
THE ORDER 2003-10-14
FORWARD THINKING 2003-10-14
MODERN TECHNOLOGY 2004-01-16
DRIVERS EDUCATION 2004-01-16
A GOOD JOB 2004-01-16
NEARLY RIGHT 2004-01-16
EMERGENCY CALL 2004-01-16
GAS CAP 2004-01-16
NEW THINGS 2004-01-16
HOME TRUTH 2004-01-16
IN BLOOM 2004-01-16
RING BEAR 2004-01-16
WHOSE EYES? 2004-01-16
TOOTH FAIRY 2004-01-16
VERY SAFE 2004-01-16
DAY OR NIGHT? 2004-01-16
MUSIC TASTE 2004-01-16
NO VACATIONS 2004-01-16
WHERE IS THE VIEW? 2004-01-16
THE LIMP 2004-01-16
DON'T WASTE FOOD 2004-01-16
ONE SPUR 2004-01-16
THE DINNER PARTY 2004-01-16
CAR SENSE 2004-01-16
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 2004-01-16
THE RIGHT PLACE 2004-01-16
GENTLE SUGGESTION 2004-01-16
WORLD FAMOUS 2004-01-16
THE FUTURE 2004-01-16
THE REVERSE 2004-01-16
UNDER CONSTRUCTION 2004-01-16
RING, RING! 2004-01-16
LAST DATE? 2004-01-16
LATERAL THINKING 2004-01-16
BAD TREATMENT 2004-01-16
SIGNING OUT 2004-01-16
NO TROUBLE 2004-01-16
TRAVELLING LIGHT 2004-01-16
GOOD STUFF 2004-01-16
THE ALIBI 2004-01-16
NEW ADDRESS 2004-01-16
READ - OR IS IT REID? 2004-01-16
CHEAP RIDE 2004-01-16
CRIMINAL OF THE YEAR AWARD NOMINEES from 2004 ... 2005-02-26
NO FAITH! 2005-02-26
WHO NEEDS TO GO TO SCHOOL? 2005-02-26
MARINES IN TROUBLE 2005-02-26
RIPE OLD AGE! 2005-02-26
ON Again, OFF Again Mower 2005-08-14
JOB APPLICANTS STRANGE AND FAULTY WORDING 2006-07-19
PERFECTION PLUS 2006-07-19
MAKES CENTS 2006-07-19
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS 2006-07-19
GONE MISSING 2006-07-19
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES 2010-02-03
C130 V F16 2010-05-11
PREGNANT TURKEY 2010-05-11
MONTANA STATE TROOPER 2010-05-11
CHRISTMAS KITCHEN 2010-05-11
NEW ZEALAND POLICE 2011-04-27
BABIES FOR SALE
A New Mum took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.
At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.
Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"
A WEIGHTY MATTER
Somewhat sceptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.
"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.
"They're not cheap either," the father came back.
"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"
TASTY NEWS TRAVELS FAST
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.
Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.
"What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. “I just heard you had some really great cookies.”
Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.
They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.
"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"
A NATURAL POSE
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"
FOOT COVER RULES
Visiting our son during his freshman year, we were shocked by the mess in his room: clothes, books, and rubbish lay everywhere.
Later, over dinner, we tried to touch on the informal versus formal dress codes that life after college might require. Our son, however, shared his own firmly held dress code guidelines:
1. Informal: socks not required
2. Semiformal: two socks required
3. Formal: both socks must match
One day my brother-in-law noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot.
Ever courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her.
The woman struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.
At the entrance, he said, "Here you go, Ma'am," and gave her the cart.
Catching her breath, she said, "Thank you, but I was using it to lean on."
SHOOT ONE - SHOOT 'EM ALL!
Being a newspaper photographer, my husband would often get home late with the excuse "I had to shoot a car wreck," or "I had to shoot a football game."
Once, some unexpected company dropped by and asked how late my husband would be. "I don't know," I replied, not intending to shock them. "He has to shoot the governor."
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying:
"We make the best violins in Italy."
The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming:
"We make the best violins in the world."
Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying:
"We make the best violins on the block."
At the Olympics in Barcelona, some of the locals were entered in equestrian events. Other contestants were surprised to note that the Spanish riders guided their horses with so much slack in the reins that they actually hung down across the horses' necks.
When asked why they preferred such a relaxed stance, the locals proudly announced.......
"The reins in Spain fall plainly on the mane."
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
NOT SO 'GOOD FRIDAY'
Here's a true story that happened to a friend's father: He was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!"
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY. I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close "for good" that coming Friday.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and
sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.
"But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny."
"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbour.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.
"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."
"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."
A QUICK NAP
Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practised his new reading skills by calling out road signs.
He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke he saw the French highway signs and said in a worried tone. "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked but, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks."
A BIG TEST ANSWERED
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
RE: REJECTED REJECTION
Dear Ms. Ezell:
Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely, Marc Taylor
A FAIRY WIFE
For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night.
One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter
that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.
The next morning I found the same note. "STAMPS!" was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
A RARE MOMENT!
My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if the roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look, then replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."
NOT A TOUR GUIDE
On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked a ship's officer what it was called. "It's some dumb glacier," he replied.
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out myself. I spotted our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he'd said, "Sumdum Glacier."
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana.
The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames.
The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions...
Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.
Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded. "The very first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
HOW WE DRIVE ROUND HERE
My brother, on vacation in Malta, was appalled by the island's chaotic traffic, and asked the hotel keeper why it was so disorderly.
"In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left," explained the hotelier. "Here we drive in the shade."
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk laboured to get the new cash register to co-operate. At one point she wailed, "Oh no, NOW what do I do? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundred seventy-four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale!"
Surprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: We are currently doing battle with our new computer for control of the store - We appreciate your patience!
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender.
My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put: "Full Gallop."
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."
My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
BE SURE YOUR SINS WILL CATCH YOU OUT!
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
CREAM DE LA CREAM!
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
ITS ALL IN THE WAY YOU SAY IT
I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on.
He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue."
A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.
HEALTH CLUB MEMBERSHIP
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief.
As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to the once famous Alcatraz prison. Others in the tour group watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, punched one another, and constantly aggravated everyone around them. The frazzled parents tried everything they could to get the kids to stop, all with no success at all.
Finally, as they reached the ticket window, the exasperated father said: "Five tickets, please - Two round trip, and three one way."
MORNING MORNING SICKNESS
The neighbor dropped in on her friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."
A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine division. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.
Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out.
My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed a sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."
When workmen came to demolish our old porch and build a new one, they had a number of power tools that needed to be plugged into the outlet in our house. Each morning we'd open the door for them to slip an extension cord through the mail slot, and later in the day they would unplug it. Early one afternoon they knocked on the door to say they had to rent a piece of equipment that was available only at 7 a.m. the next morning.
"Ma'am, if you don't mind," said one of the men, "we'd like to leave this cord through the mail slot tonight so we won't have to wake you up when we plug in the jackhammer in the morning."
IN THE ROUTINE
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
BROTHERS, MAY I
A man from the big city was driving out to Vermont to visit an old friend. Hopelessly lost, he pulled his sports coupe up to a group of men sitting out in front of a small country store to get directions.
Leaning out the car's window, he said, "I want to go to Bennington."
There was silence. Then one of the men slowly took his pipe out of his mouth and replied, "We have no objections."
We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?"
Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
In England a gang hired a man to drive their getaway car for a series of bank robberies. As the gang came fleeing out of bank with the loot the man panicked and caused the car to stall.
It was later revealed that not only did the man not have a driver's license, he had never operated a vehicle.
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
AN APPLE A DAY
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
CHECKING FOR LEAKS
At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"
"No ... just checking to see if I'm still watertight."
PRAYING ON DUTY
The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but about 4 a.m. his head fell forward and he went to sleep.
He awakened to see the feet of the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then slowly raising his head he reverently said, "A-a-amen!"
Our neighbor loaned my husband his old chain saw to trim some tree branches. Unfortunately, the engine burned out while my husband was using it. Not wanting to return a broken piece of equipment, he bought a new saw to replace it.
When I offered it to our neighbor, he thanked me but said, "Keep it. I'll borrow it when I need it."
I was turning away when his eyes lit up. "Hey," he asked, "want to borrow my car?"
ALL LIT UP!
When Edward M. Karrmann, insurance president, celebrated his 60th birthday, neighbors from a hotel across the street from his Indianapolis office sent over two bottles of champagne and a birthday cake. When Karrmann opened the box containing the cake, he found an apologetic note from the hotel management saying that they didn't have 60 birthday candles.
Instead, in the middle of the cake was a 60-watt light bulb.
When a young man left his dorm and moved into an apartment, he went shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products. At the last minute he topped off his cart with a lone food purchase - a large bag of potato chips.
Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained, "I'm a very messy eater."
After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.
Remembering her, the clerk remarked, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"
IF IN DOUBT.......
A lady was lost in her car in a terrible snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snowplow and just follow it."
Pretty soon, a snowplow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the snowplow got out and asked what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in a snowstorm to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm through with the Wal-Mart lot. Now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
Reluctantly, my husband agreed to sell some of his old neckties at our yard sale. He glowed with pride when one woman kept exclaiming, "Perfect!" as she picked up each tie.
Paying for her purchases, the woman remarked, "These will look terrific on my scarecrow."
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
CINDERELLA ON THE ROOF
When my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop for three days. Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.
Our neighbors were having their roof reshingled by three burly men. As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put it together and what do you get?"
"From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices:
"Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"
ON THE RUN
Our Air National guard unit conducted weapons-qualifying at the firing range. We had been issued our last round of ammo and were firing at the silhouettes, when a great gust of wind ripped the targets from their frames, and they fluttered away.
Firing stopped as we looked to the range officials.
"Keep shooting, Boys," a voice yelled. We've got 'em on the run now."
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
On the weekend of the biggest motorcycle gathering of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and the silence in the room let everybody overhear what the biker said into the receiver. "Hi, Mom. Just want to let you know I'll be home late tonight."
My family always gives me a golf shirt as a gift. I was especially delighted with the one I received on my birthday a couple of years ago.
The care instruction label read: "Part cotton, part other stuff. When dirty, wash it."
IT'S IN THE BAG
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old Doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
I was self-conscious about going to the gym because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so that I'd be inconspicuous.
However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look. Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock was hung only inches above where my head had been.
NOT A GOOD START
During a murder trial in Texas the first words of the assistant district attorney's address to the jury were as follows: "Ladies and gentlemen, have any of you ever been the victim of a homicide?"
BIRTHING A GAME?
I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from many different countries and cultures. One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and assumed that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was Asian.
As I was performing the exam, we chatted, and she told me she was Chinese, and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czechoslovakian. After a short pause, she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!"
MISTEAK OR CHICKEN!
On a flight home after a business trip, Bill was waiting for his meal. By the time the attendant reached his seat, only one dinner remained on her cart. Nonetheless, she followed routine by asking, Steak or chicken?"
Bill stared at the dinner for some time before responding, "Okay, I give up. Which is it?"
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
Slip of theTongue
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
The Gofer Boy
Porky was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general 'go-fer' at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.
The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Porky said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles in from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" My friend immediately complied, "I-75, two miles south of Standish."
There was a longer pause, then an incredulous voice asked my friend, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.
"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."
Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."
You Try Harder
Grandmother was approaching middle age when grandfather decided it was time she learned to drive. After acquiring a temporary permit, they took to the road for a practice
session, grandma sitting white-knuckled behind the wheel and Grandpa issuing instructions from the passenger seat. The lesson progressed uneventfully until grandpa happened to
glance out his window and down. The wheels were passing just centimetres away from the curb.
"Helen, watch out for the curb!" he exclaimed. This warning seemed to elicit little response from my grandmother, still hunched grimly behind the wheel. Indeed, the wheels crept even closer to the curb. Fighting to remain calm, he repeated his admonition. The wheels edged to within a hairs breadth of the curb. A collision seemed inevitable. Panic raised grandpa's voice to a roar, "Helen, the curb!" With a glare in my grandfather's direction grandmother carefully brought the car to a halt, switched off the ignition and turned huffily to face him and said angrily, "If you can drive any closer to the curb without hitting it, go ahead."
A Matter of Perspective
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."
He said "But they look so close on the map."
Only in Texas
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he only had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A Guilt Complex
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm
overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these stupid planes have numbers on them.
One of my jobs at a bank is to answer the phones and put callers through to the right person. When a customer called one day asking to speak with a bank representative, I said, "Of course, Sir. What is it about, exactly?"
Dryly, he replied, "It's about money."
A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city hall. He's taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days. Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"
A man walked up to the counter of an auto-parts store. "Excuse me," he said, "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo."
"Sure," the clerk replied, "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."
Get Well Soon
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something
pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large black letters on the tape was the sentence:
"Get well quick ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A stuffy old New England dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
"Actually," she said, "one of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to the First Congress."
"How very nice." replied Morris the florist. "One of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the world."
Jill came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," Jille replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," replied Jill, "there was no one there."
The Wrong Bus
A workman who was extremely fond of garlic boarded a bus in a Southern city, and sat himself down next to a haughty, sour-faced woman. She immediately became aware of the
garlic fragrance, and observed icily, "It's a wonder they don't run a special bus for
persons who insist on eating garlic."
The workman cheerfully answered, "They do lady, you're on the wrong bus."
In October, a Redondo Beach, Calif., police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7rollingdown Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, "It came with the car when I bought it."
The New Employee
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it
into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
One day we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a large craft store and one of her employees, who apprehended a would-be thief and held him captive until police arrived
to arrest him.
As we listened to the story, my grandson commented dryly, "What did they do? Hold him at needlepoint?"
A vacationing couple from New York were driving through Colorado, when the wife said to her husband, "Oh dear, George! I'm sure I left the iron on. I'm afraid the house is going to burn down!"
George said, "The house will not burn down, dear."
His wife said, "Now, how can you make a statement like that?"
And George said, "Because I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub."
The Little Things
Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station
to get the communal car filled up.
After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.
The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.
"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"
I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from many different countries and cultures.
One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and assumed that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was Asian.
As I was performing the exam, we chatted, and she told me that she was Chinese, and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause, she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!"
During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.
Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs."
But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."
I had just moved into a new apartment and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant's mail to my address. Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but he still kept giving me the wrong letters. Finally,
I left a note saying that he was delivering the mail incorrectly. The next day I went to the box to find this addition to my message:
"Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You're just living at the wrong address."
Temperatures had soared to 109 degrees in Abilene, and we Texans tried everything to cool off. I had just finished some yard work and was eagerly heading for an icy shower when my wife approached, wrapped in a bath towel. "Sorry, honey," she said. "I used all the cold water."
Cleared for Departure
My father, a retired Air Force pilot, often sprinkles his conversation with aviation jargon. I didn't realize what flying had meant to him, however, until the day he
showed me the folder with his last will and testament.
It was labeled "Cleared for Departure."
A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password.
Her password was "genius".
After three tries and the system telling him "access denied," he asked her how to spell it.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature. The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat."
Thinking this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah, right! So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"
I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".
As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.
Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately" The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob rought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Bob asking me why there was lettuce in our bed that night.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. ( oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose."
THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Jay Leno was talking to his guest, the famous "Ahrnold," about the new movie, TERMINATOR 3. He asked about the fight scenes with his female opponent. "Was it hard to fight with a girl?"
The Arnold replied, "No, I'm used to it. I'm married."
A few years ago, there was a news story on the radio about a Jewish synagogue that had a problem with the Baptists down the street. Some Jews were unable to find a space in their
own parking lot because members of the nearby Baptist church, which met earlier in the morning for revival meetings, got there first. So the Jewish synagogue had a problem.
Now they could have towed the Baptist's cars away. Or they could have patrolled their lot Saturday mornings. Or they could have written a letter to the offending church members,
imploring them to park elsewhere, but they didn't.
Instead, they used bumper stickers.
One Saturday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot - Baptist and Jewish alike. The sticker read:
"I'M PROUD TO BE JEWISH !"
No more parking lot problems!
Before shipping out to Europe with the Army Air Corps during World War II, my father loaned his buddy $20.00. The two were assigned to different units and lost touch. Months later, my father's plane was shot down. Bleeding from shrapnel wounds, he bailed out and was greeted by German soldiers who took him as a prisoner. After a long train ride, little food, and days of forced marching, he arrived at his assigned stalag.
As he entered the compound, he heard a familiar voice. "You followed me all the way here for a measly $20.00?"
A friend of ours was puzzled by the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep."
He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. "Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."
WASH LAWYERS' MOUTHS OUT WITH SOAP
When it comes to frivolous lawsuits, fact can truly be stranger than fiction. Example:
The Bonaventure Town Center Club in Weston, Fla. has banned soap in its showers. Why? Lo and behold, people can slip in the shower and then file lawsuits. As the club's executive director, Bob Fedderwitz, has said, "We've been sued. We've settled. We've lost a lot of money."
So the club has simply turned its showers into soap-free zones. Not only has bar soap
been banned but also body wash, shampoo, hair conditioner and even shaving cream.
No wonder Americans are increasingly lathered up about lawyers.
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills--which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was printed, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers. Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00, indicating that not one of them had turned out right.
The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the pictures, I apologized profusely.
"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist, and these are my bacteria cultures."
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.
Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find
a third gate had been designated for them.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, wrong plane."
WHERE'S THE BABY?
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby
brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us?"
Little Debbie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science..."
While preparing my Sunday School room on Saturday, I was aided by our youngest in the church, a delightful 2 1/2 year old little girl. She was busy writing on the chalkboard and then decided to erase it. She was using the wrong side of the eraser so it just wasn't working well. She turned to me, holding out the eraser, and said, "It needs new batteries."
AND YOU, SIR?
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."
When conductor Leonard Bernstein took the New York Philharmonic on tour, he found this
note under his hotel room door one night: "I think you should know that the fellow in your
band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking straight at him."
When I managed a chemical plant, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had an information technologist get rid of the games on my laptop. Therefore I was surprised to find my grandson playing solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game...
"No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the main menu."
On Monday I chided our information technologist for not getting rid of the game.
"But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from *you* - not from a nine-year-old!"
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.
One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" he asked.
"I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
A hillbilly's old wife sent him to town to get something to rid the place of moths that had troubled them. The druggist sold him a box of mothballs.
Months later, the hill man came into the drugstore, complaining that "them mothballs wouldn't work nohow, noway. Marthy and me we aimed carefully, too. But we ain't hit a single moth! Maybe you got a bigger size, like one of them pool table balls."
While traveling in Quebec, my father complained that all the street signs were in French. His comments and sarcasm went on and on. Then after passing a billboard for a restaurant that featured filet mignon, he belted out, "Finally! Something in English!"
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.
During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.
I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
DO YOU DISCIPLE?
After teaching a lesson in my kindergarten class on Jesus and his disciples, I was feeling quite proud. It was a model lesson, an A, and included a game, a song and a story.
At the conclusion of the lesson, I opened the discussion to questions. With pride, I looked out at my students' wildly waving arms. My lesson was obviously a success. Teaching seemed so rewarding. I would now let them shower me with this new knowledge that I had so skillfully imparted to them.
I called on Brittney to respond. Since her arm was waving more frantically than the rest, surely her observation would be that much more brilliant. "Brittney, what do you have to say about Jesus and his disciples?" I asked eagerly.
"Well," she began, with true kindergarten confidence, "I just wanted you to know that I know a lot about disciples 'cause at my house we disciple everything. We have a special disciple can for plastic, a special disciple can for glass, and a special disciple can for paper. My mom says it's how we save the earth."
I paused, took a deep breath and said, "Let's get ready for lunch."
A BOOB OR TWO
What Kind of Manager?
I am a missionary with Operation Mobilization OM for short. Part of our Ministry includes running two Ocean going Passenger Ships as floating Book Shops, that visit ports around the world. Late last year the OM people around the world all got an email advertising
vacancies on the two ships. One position was for a "Book Exhibition Manager with the necessary experience." Unfortunately in the typing of the email it came out as "BOOB Exhibition Manager with the necessary experience!" In spite of the error we still got plenty of applicants. -- Barry Wannell, Operation Mobilisation, Zimbabwe.
A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.
He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
SETTING THE CLOCK
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up
nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
Travelling through New England a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What type of town is this?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."
In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own.
One day, after parking across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in, made her purchase, and then asked, "Do you give validation?"
Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!
A father and son went fishing one day.
After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
FIGHTING FIRE WITH FIRE
I received a call from one of those annoying telephone marketers the other day. This lady asked me if I'd be willing to participate in a survey. I agreed to do so. She began the questions, but I interrupted her. "Wait a second," I said. "Who is this and what organization do you represent?"
She answered my question and continued asking questions. I interrupted her again. "What's the purpose of this survey?" I asked.
"Sir," she replied irritably, "I don't have time to answer your questions." She then hung up on me.
Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen. I showed up with my driver's license and birth certificate.
The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a long look. "Is anything wrong?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. I can't find the expiration date."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your
hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on thetop line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.
After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf. The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.
When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet.
Her response still rings in my ears.. "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!"
After shaving my arm pits in order to lift my arms and hours of laughing by my entire family I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.
After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
I was with a friend in a cafe' when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.
"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me.
"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'.
Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."
I overheard two children discussing their selection in the video store.
One boy took Disney's CINDERELLA off the shelf, pointed to the drawing of
the title character on the cover, and said,
"Oh, she's really good. I saw her in ALICE IN WONDERLAND."
HURT AND HURT
My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head. He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."
CHECKING IT OUT
We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.
Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.
I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back.
"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work."
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
BLACK AND BROWN
Little Johnny has been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten everyday since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admires the pictures and hangs them on the refrigerator. One thing starts bothering her though. Little Johnny only uses black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem with her young son and not wanting to make it worse, she decides to take him to a child psychologist.
The psychologist delicately goes to work. He gives Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chats with Johnny. Everything seems perfectly normal. Everyday for two weeks, the tests continue. Yet everyday, little Johnny continues to bring home drawings in only black and brown. Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something is terriblY wrong, the child psychologist decides to give little
Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens.
Little Johnny opens the box of crayons and says "oh boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.
"I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"
His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"
The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"
"4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.
Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"
Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. The little girl stood on her tiptoes and just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.
"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"
"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband and I'm his wife. Can we come in?" Thoroughly enchanted by the scene, the elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."
Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted. When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl politely declined. "No thank you," she said. "We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants."
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a nice blue four-door."
Afer a long pause, the driver replied, "My car is the one on fire."
OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT PROPERTY
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a
citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it," was the reply.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.
"Certainly not!" said the clerk. "This card is official government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it is destroyed."
As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists.
Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"
IT'S OBVIOUS, ISN'T IT?
NASA wanted to find a writing implement that could be used in space.
It took 200 engineers and they spend over $2 billion to finally invent a space pen. This pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still flow. NASA proudly announced their success and congratulations flowed in from all over the world.
In a short note to NASA, Canada congratulated them, but said that they too had found a solution at a fraction of the cost. They remarked, "We use a pencil."
I FORGOT THAT
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!: I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
We had made some changes in our lives.
My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.
When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big
He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.
"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
"No," came the reply.
"But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."
I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the
doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?"
And she walked over and stood on his foot.
During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents!. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her out burst.
Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if your grandfather was still alive."
Last summer, my husband, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.
Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."
A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE
About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.
"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"
"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed. It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.
"I said 'ewes'," I argued.
"Pardon?" replied the operator.
"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."
The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale--USED."
At their tag sale, my daughters put all of the "junk" they just wanted to get rid of in a carton marked "Free Box." Moments after they set it at the end of the driveway, a man drove up, looked at the box, dumped its contents on the lawn, and drove off with the box.
During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.
"Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation."
"You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints."
The guard in Air Force basic training must check the ID of everyone who comes to the door. A trainee was standing guard when he heard a pounding on the door and the order, "Let me in!" Through the window, he saw the uniform of a lieutenant colonel and immediately opened up. He quickly realized his mistake.
"Airman! Why didn't you check for my authority to enter?"
Thinking fast, the airman replied, "Sir, you'd have gotten in anyway."
"What do you mean?"
"Uh,..the hinges on the door are broken, Sir."
"What? Show me!"
With a twinkle in his eye, the airman opened the door, let the officer step out, and slammed the door.
"Airman! Open up immediately!"
"Sir, may I see your authority to enter?"
The airman was rewarded for outsmarting his commanding officer.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
As a professor at Texas A & M, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around nine, however, calling up the strategy game Warcraft on the Internet and playing with an on-line team.
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed. "How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."
YOUR POINT OF VIEW
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family. With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
THE BANK ACCOUNT
Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank".
With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy"
My husband was a Navy chaplain deployed to the Persian Gulf at the end of Desert Storm. I did everything possible to ensure our three young children wouldn't be worried about
their father's being in danger. It wasn't always easy, but I knew I'd succeeded when someone at church asked our three-year-old where his dad was. He replied, "He's in Persia, golfing."
THE REAL TRUTH
Carolyn's car was in for service so her son picked Miss C up from work one evening, and she seemed a bit irritated. Carolyn complained that the day hadn't gone well, and on top of everything else, a young customer had addressed her as "Ma'am."
"I'm not that old!!!" Carolyn insisted. "I deserve more respect."
Miss C continued to vent the whole way home while hitting the scan button on the radio. Finally her son asked, "Mom what are you looking for?"
Carolyn replied, "The oldies station."
FIRST TIMER QUESTIONS
The story about the pilot ground school got me thinking about my first skydiving instructor.
During class he would take time to anwser any of our stupid First Timer Questions. One guy asked:
"If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan anwsered: "The rest of your life."
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men."
"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."
ANTHONY'S FIRST RIDE
It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment. The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder.
"It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.
"Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" cried my daughter a short time later.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."
My longtime boarder was moving out, and I needed an advertisement posted at the local college. A friend agreed to make one up on her computer and put it on the school's bulletin board. I went out of town for a couple of days, and when I got back, I found a number of strange messages on my answering machine. Deciding I had better check out my ad, I went over to the college. And there it was:
"Room and Broad, $400 a month."
It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week, and repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the kids from school, and our Jeep started making rattling sounds, I decided that rather than burden my husband, I'd deal with it.
I hadn't reckoned on my little tattletales, however, They rushed into the house with the news: "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise stop!"
Impressed, my husband asked, "How did you fix it?"
"I turned up the volume on the radio." I confessed.
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been A LOT clearer with my directions.
THE REPLY WAS...
It was my first year of teaching tenth-graders geometry, and I was frustrated with the lack of effort in the class. Trying to make the group more interactive, I asked,
"Who can define a polygon?"
The reply was, "A dead parrot."
The students in my third grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,
"How far away did they stand?"
Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease. There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant
(only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse.
Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.
She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.
"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."
Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish - but good."
ONE AND A HALF BILLION YEARS
An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading, "Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this contractor will have to finish working in the dark."
We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Corp. We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story...
It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?" After each probe, he replied, "No." When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, "That hurts!"
When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said, "Your kneeling on my fingers!"
My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked, "Don't you give out warnings?"
"Yes, Ma'am," he replied. They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed limit 55.'"
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .
"I'm not free. I'm four."
After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying.
"Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked.
Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog."
Hank said, "OH My! Was he mad?"
Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."
When my father-in-law passed away, we had to clear out his home. We discarded many items and sold some others, but my husband decided to keep the beautiful but very heavy antique dining-room set. Our teenaged son helped us wrestle the set into our pickup truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our own dining room.
"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And one of these days, it will belong to you."
"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
I work at home, so my four-year-old twin daughters, Maggie and Katie, are used to seeing me operate a computer and fax machine. One afternoon I was watching them have fun on our indoor playset's small slide. Maggie proceeded to go down headfirst, giggling that she was "faxing" herself. Not to be outdone, Katie stood at the top of the slide and shouted, "Here comes page 2!"
Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come up to us and say, "Look, twins!"
During a Las Vegas trip, though, we were wheeling them in their stroller through a hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed, "Look, a pair!"
Early in my flying career, I had my first night flight. Looking down into the darkness, I asked my instructor what we would do if the engine failed.
"Get the plane gliding in a controlled descent," he said, "then attempt to restart the engine and make a 'Mayday' call. The only difference between day and night flying is that the terrain below will not be clearly visible, so you should point the aircraft toward whatever looks like a clear area and it should be pointing into the wind."
"Then what?" I asked.
"Conserve your battery, so don't turn on your landing lights until you're close to the ground. If you like what you see, land."
"Okay, but what if I don't like what I see?"
My instructor gave me a compassionate look inside that dim cockpit, then said softly, "Turn off the landing lights."
IT'S ALL THE SAME
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Gee," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please
drink her milk.
She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request."
"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chop-sticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks.."
"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean
up the mess."
My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide and I was "it." After a few minutes, I was able to locate all of them.
When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but couldn't find me. Finally one of my sons got a bright idea. He went to the phone and dialed; they found me immediately because my pager started beeping.
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice... "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an important radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice,
"Should I stop the car?"
A GOOD JOB
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
Sam had been extremely nervous while his wife was giving birth to their first child. When the nurse came to the waiting room, he said, "Quick, tell me! Am I a mother or a father?!"
Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him -lights flashing. Dad hung
his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked
and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fitted.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them."
Ever notice a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of
other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.
"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"
A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay,
and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. My buddy had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the man was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot
was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
This is a true story that happened to my neighbor years ago when our children were little.
Laura and Patty shared the same bedroom and when Laura lost a tooth, she placed it under her pillow. The next morning when she awoke, her tooth was gone and some money was in
its place to put in her piggy bank. Patty went quietly up to her mother and said, "Mommy, I know who the tooth fairy is."
Her mother replied, "How do you know?"
"I saw you put money under Laura's pillow last night when she was asleep, " Patty stated.
Rather surprised, her mother replied, "Well, I guess you're right, I was the tooth fairy."
Patty thought for a moment and with a big grin on her face said, "Now if you're the tooth fairy, then Daddy must be God!"
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
DAY OR NIGHT?
[I remember] when I was in high school and was in an advanced physics class. Keep in mind that these students were supposed to be the ones more capable of understanding and going much further with some pretty advanced stuff.
Well, our teacher was a hobby astronomer, with some pretty nice camera and telescope equipment. One day he brought in some pictures he had taken of the sun to see the sunspots etc. During the "slide-show," one of the students asked:
"Were these pictures taken during the day or at night?"
After a couple of minutes of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, he finally realized his mistake.
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."
A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day.
When he pointed this out to a member of staff, the reply was "That's true, but of course the answers are completely different now."
Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station.
"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."
Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"
"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
As my wife and I were sitting on the front porch, our oldest daughter, Amy, came out of the house looking discouraged. It seems all her classmates knew their life's calling, but she didn't have a clue as to her own. "I don't know where to go to college," she moaned.
"And even if I did, my grades probably aren't good enough."
Her mother and I were searching for the right words of reassurance when Amy suddenly smiled. "Golly," she said, "I'm having a pre-life crisis!"
A young lady applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. She said, "Pretty good, but if I get the job, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."
Her mother had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"
The young lady replied, "No, they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said that vacation time is not available until after your first anniversary."
WHERE IS THE VIEW?
As a realtor, I deal with all types of people. Recently, I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the fantastic view from the living room. But when I dramatically
pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband asked, "Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being discharged. However, while my friend was working as a student nurse, she found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
DON'T WASTE FOOD
A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read: "Don't Waste Food - Food will win the war."
Beneath someone had written: That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?
While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get
out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man lept from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
Kathy offered to care for the six-year-old son of her next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child.
"Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast," said the six-year-old.
So, Kathy, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which she laid in front of the boy.
"No, thank you," he said.
"But I thought you said your mother always prepares hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Kathy in surprise.
"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them."
Shane "One-Spur" Blumberg, the original Jewish cowboy, was famous for wearing only one spur on his boots.
Once, when confronted by a young reporter from a Dallas newspaper, he agreed to do an interview with the scrappy young reporter, if only to bring a good name to the Jewish community among his big ranching neighbors.
The first meaningful question out of the young reporter's mouth was, "So why do you wear only one spur?"
To which Shane Blumberg replied, "Well, I wasn't born with silver spurs on my boots, and besides, the way I figure, when one side of a horse starts to run, so will the other."
THE DINNER PARTY
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I
asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive
over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
One of my most difficult tasks as a flight attendant is to enforce rules while keeping customers happy. The electronic equipment that comes on board creates the greatest challenge. I walk the aisle asking passengers to turn off computers, electronic games and cell phones, which can create interference in communications between the pilot and the air
traffic control tower.
During one landing, a man persistently kept his cell phone at his ear. I confronted him and said, "Sir, you cannot talk on your phone until we reach the gate."
"I am not talking," he replied. "I'm listening."
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"
Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel."
My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips up and down when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end.
"Hello, is this Bonnie D?"
"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."
Without missing a beat, she told them... "I'm very busy right now. You will have to survey your own briefs."
My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation...
When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses...
"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"
My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
THE RIGHT PLACE
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he
determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours"
and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
I was having trouble with something I couldn't readily identify myself, so I took my car into the shop.
The mechanic looked at it a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."
"Oh?" I said, trying not to sound too confused. "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"
"That's part of the problem" he said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then the next day you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."
Looking up websites on infertility, I found an address that sounded interesting. I clicked on the link and was taken to a site that said, "This page is still under
construction." I looked closer and saw in smaller print: "Check back in nine months and see what we've accomplished."
I bookmarked the address and went back several months later. Posted was a full-page picture of a beautiful seven-pound, four-ounce baby girl.
Passing an office building late one night, Paula saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm
system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at Paula , "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he
used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
My friend, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic. One morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in his 18-wheeler singing and whistling.
A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my brother, "What are you so happy about?"
"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn."
I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to purchase them over the phone.
I asked, "How much is a ticket?"
They said, "Seven Dollars."
I asked, "How much for children?"
They said, "Same price, Seven Dollars."
I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
Two sisters spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans - no matter where they went, they were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate them.
One day, in Paris, one sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.
The sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.
Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.
As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "DryCleaners".
The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his
name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."
It was slightly after Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there." (pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Flying to San Francisco from San Diego the other day, a passenger noticed that he "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, up front there are 17 University of San Diego girls going to San Francisco for the weekend.
In back, there are 25 Navy recruits out on weekend liberty.
"What would you do?"
Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very, full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How
much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really
delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenage boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera. "Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."
When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?" "Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get the double prints."
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the
door and there sits their police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.
One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.
I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."
Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream.
As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay. Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry.
Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
READ - OR IS IT REID?
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
I owned a taxi service with my husband William. While sitting in his cab waiting for a fare, William saw that a downpour had left puddles stretching to the curb.
Then he heard someone open the back door and get in. When he turned around to ask the destination, William saw the would-be passenger exiting the other door.
"Thanks," said the 'passenger,' "I just wanted to get over the water."
My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have a freeze plug replaced, a job that took two days. Then I discovered that the battery was dead, and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.
Days later, I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your car is good for many more miles."
"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."
CRIMINAL OF THE YEAR AWARD NOMINEES from 2004 ...
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America! , walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.. The man, frustrated, walked away.
THE WINNER? YOU BE THE JUDGE!
A helicopter lost power and safely landed into a Lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out.. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"
WHO NEEDS TO GO TO SCHOOL?
These are actual excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.
~ Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
~ Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
~ My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
~ Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
~ Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.
~ Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
~ Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
~ Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.
MARINES IN TROUBLE
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in
the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
RIPE OLD AGE!
A DJ on a local Christian radio station was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, congratulations on a ripe old age!"
There was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat subdued and apologetic voice,
"I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte, who is ill."
ON Again, OFF Again Mower
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker that had been left attached to the socket.
JOB APPLICANTS STRANGE AND FAULTY WORDING
~ "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
~ "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
~ "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
~ "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
~ "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
~ "I am a rabid typist."
~ "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
~ "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
~ "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
~ "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
~ "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
~ "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
~ "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
~ "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
~ "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
~ "Qualifications: No education or experience."
~ "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
~ "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
~ "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
~ Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
Some kids were in the habit of teasing Timmy by repeatedly offering him a choice between a nickel and a dime. He always choses the nickel, "because it's bigger." One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know that a dime's worth more than a nickel?" Timmy answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stop doing it!"
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS
A doctor, in scanning over a form to see how it had been filled out, noticed the figures 120 and 113 under the headings, "Age of father, if living," and "Age of mother, if living." "But your parents are not really so old, are they?" "No," was the reply, "but they would have been, if living."
Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
* Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
C130 V F16
The C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."
When you are young - speed and flash may be a good thing. When you get older and smarter, comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!
Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.
When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity...then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
MONTANA STATE TROOPER
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.
About 3 a.m. one very cold morning, a Montana State Trooper responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
The Trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled "Pull Over"! The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?
Patty had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband Don, insisted they were an extravagance.
She went to visit her dad for two weeks and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that Don had surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets as a Christmas present for her.
A few days later, Debbie, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.
My sister-in-law decided to go on a diet after a recent trip to the store with her grandson. They'd stopped in front of a pantyhose display, and, as she chose a package, he read out loud: "Q
Grandma!" he exclaimed, "You wear the same size as our waterbed!"
NEW ZEALAND POLICE
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160.00 included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160.00. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.