The differences between men and women, the challenges of marriage and the bringing up of children are the very essence of society. The most joy and the most problems, the most challenges and the most satisfaction are found within these complex relationships. Humour often aids our perception and understanding, as well as simply giving us a good laugh. By its nature, humour often 'takes sides', so please don't take offence here. Just read further and you are bound to find something that supports your point of view!

MEMORIES OF WILLIAM  2003-03-19
'RIB'ALD HUMOUR  2003-03-19
IT'S SURE GREAT TO BE A GUY!  2003-03-19
GOODBYE MOTHER!  2003-03-19
WHOSE KID?  2003-03-19
MY HEARINGS FINE!  2003-03-19
ALMOST READY  2003-07-20
PURCHASING POWER  2003-03-19
TOUCHE!  2003-03-19
AN OLD ONE BUT STILL TRUE  2003-03-19
CROSS COMMUNICATRION  2003-03-19
FORWARD THINKING  2003-03-19
NOT ONE THING  2003-03-19
TWINS  2003-03-19
LATERAL THINKING  2003-03-19
LION TAMING  2003-03-25
ENTERTAINING  2003-03-19
WHAT COMES OFF GOES ON  2003-03-19
THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM  2003-03-19
FAITHFULNESS  2003-03-19
FAIR GO!  2003-03-22
SUPER BOWL DAY  2003-03-21
THE DENTIST'S VISIT  2003-03-21
AN ACCURATE AUTOMOTIVE ANALYSIS  2003-03-21
MOST HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH  2003-03-21
NO LONGER NEEDED  2003-03-25
FORBIDDEN TERRITORY  2003-03-25
AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN  2003-03-25
THE RING?  2003-03-25
THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR WOMEN SAY  2003-03-25
JOB DESCRIPTION: A MOTHER!  2003-03-25
IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT!  2003-03-25
WHERE WOULD MEN BE WITHOUT WOMEN  2003-03-25
AN IMPORTANT CALL  2003-03-25
SILENT TREATMENT  2003-03-25
FLY SWATTER  2003-03-25
A BIG CAT!  2003-03-25
DEPENDS UPON YOURE PERSPECTIVE  2003-03-25
JUST STUPID  2003-03-25
RULES THAT RULE PARENTS  2003-03-25
MAKING A MARRIAGE LAST  2003-03-25
ONLY ONE  2003-03-25
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...  2003-03-25
MARRIAGE QUOTES  2003-03-25
STATIC  2003-03-25
THE PERFECT SHOT  2003-03-25
MAKING MATTERS WORSE  2003-03-25
IN WITH DAD  2003-03-25
MALE WISDOM  2003-03-25
JOEY  2003-03-25
TOP SECRET  2003-07-01
A WIFE'S POINT OF VIEW  2003-07-01
PARKING  2003-07-01
MEN AND WOMEN  2003-07-01
SECOND ANNIVERSARY  2003-07-01
WHO'S DRIVING  2003-07-01
THE FATHERHOOD CYCLE  2003-07-01
WHO DOES?  2003-07-01
SUPPORT  2003-07-01
EXPENDABLE  2003-07-01
YOU MUST BE A SAINT  2003-07-01
KINDNESS  2003-07-01
MARRIAGE IS A GAMBLE  2003-07-01
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN  2003-07-01
THE DREAM  2003-07-01
TROUBLE  2003-07-01
MAY I?  2003-07-01
WITH THIS RING....  2003-07-01
DID NOT!!  2003-07-01
THE HOUSE IS GOING TO BURN  2003-07-01
TIPS ON LOVE  2003-07-01
DICTIONARY FOR PARENTS  2003-07-01
ATTRACTION TO LIGHT!  2003-07-01
LAST REQUESTS?  2003-07-01
DON'T WORRY MOM  2003-07-01
FAMILY DEFINITIONS  2003-07-01
MARRIAGE QUIPS  2003-07-01
UNCARING DEVOTION  2003-07-01
TIPS FROM THE EFFICIENCY EXPERT  2003-07-01
WHY GOD CREATED EVE  2003-07-01
CELL PHONE  2003-07-01
PREGNANCY CALL  2003-07-01
EXCUSE NOTES  2003-07-01
THE SECRET OF A CONTENTED MARRIAGE  2003-07-01
REFRIGERATOR MAGNET  2003-07-01
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN  2003-07-01
FEAR OF THUNDER  2003-07-01
MAN WAS FIRST  2003-07-01
QUICK QUIP  2003-07-01
WHICH LAW  2003-07-01
PERSUASION  2003-07-01
FISHING  2003-07-01
GOOD ADVICE  2003-07-01
WHO'S THERE?  2003-07-01
NO OPINION  2003-07-01
COOKING!  2003-07-01
THE NEW EARS  2003-07-01
OUCH!  2003-07-01
LOGIC  2003-07-01
CUTE  2003-07-01
RELATIVES?  2003-07-01
SECRET FEAR  2003-07-01
THE KICK  2003-07-01
TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN  2003-07-04
OH DEAR!  2003-07-07
EQUAL ROLES  2003-10-13
THOUGHTS ON CHILDREN  2003-10-13
WHY?  2003-10-13
ENDORSEMENT ANYONE?  2003-10-13
IMPORTANT THINGS  2003-10-13
TOUCHE!  2003-10-13
THE GENIE  2003-10-13
LESSON IN LIFE  2003-10-13
HOME HELP  2003-10-13
A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK  2003-10-13
SLOGANS!  2003-10-13
CIRCULATION  2003-10-13
WOULD YOU AGREE?  2003-10-13
MARRIAGE IS A GAMBLE  2003-10-13
THE ANSWER  2003-10-13
BEST MAN  2003-10-13
BUT!  2003-10-13
OVERHEARD  2003-10-13
CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON  2003-10-13
THE SWEATSHIRT  2003-10-13
OOPs!  2003-10-13
FORGET  2003-10-14
ENGAGED  2004-01-15
THE VOWS  2004-01-15
SYMPATHIZED  2004-01-15
THE TRIP  2004-01-15
WISDOM  2004-01-15
MARRIAGE QUALITIES  2004-01-15
Q & A  2004-01-15
HELPING YOU SEE THE GOOD IN YOUR MAN  2004-01-15
GENEROUS  2004-01-15
ANALYSIS  2004-01-15
PERFECT...  2004-01-15
EXPECTING  2004-01-15
CUSTODY!  2004-01-15
PERSPECTIVE!  2004-01-15
A SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY  2004-01-15
FLOWERS  2004-01-15
GOOD AND BAD NEWS  2004-01-15
TRAINING COURSES FOR WOMEN  2004-01-15
FOUR LETTER WORDS  2004-01-15
THAT'S A MAN!  2004-01-15
COLLEGE  2004-01-15
MAN & WOMAN  2004-01-15
WILL YOU BE JOINING ME?  2004-01-15
COMMERCIALLY?  2004-01-15
DEAR MUM (MOM)  2004-01-15
THE DISASTER  2004-01-15
THE TAPS  2004-01-15
NOT ENOUGH TIME  2004-01-15
THE PROPOSAL  2004-01-15
LAWS OF PARENTING  2004-01-15
HAPPIEST MAN  2004-01-15
WHO?  2004-01-15
SOMETHING ELECTRIC?  2004-01-15
BAD, MALE CHAUVANISTIC QUIPS - BE WARNED!  2004-01-15
TOO TRUE!  2005-02-25
16 BIBLICAL WAYS TO AQUIRE A WIFE  2005-02-25
THE DOG  2006-07-19
WILL PRINT  2006-07-19
SUBJECT: WIVES  2006-10-31

MEMORIES OF WILLIAM
A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms. "I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide.

The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the man. The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "William," she repeated over and over. "Oh, William!"

"She was to marry a man named William," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."

They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "William! William!"

"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost William also."

"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"

'RIB'ALD HUMOUR
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

IT'S SURE GREAT TO BE A GUY!
*Phone conversations last 30 seconds
*You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
*A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
*Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
*You can open all your own jars
*Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
*When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
*You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
*You can go to the bathroom alone
*Your last name stays put
*You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
*You can kill your own food
*The garage is all yours
*You see the humoUr in "Terms of Endearment"
*Cleaning the toilet is optional
*You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
*Wedding plans take care of themselves
*If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
*Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
*None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
*You don't have to shave below your neck
*You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
*If you're 34 and single, no one notices
*Chocolate is just another snack
*You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
*You never have to worry about other's feelings
*Three pair of shoes are more than enough
*You can say anything and not worry about what people think
*You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
*Car mechanics tell you the truth
*You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
*You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
*One mood, all the time
*You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
*Gray hair and wrinkles add character
*Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
*You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
*You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
*The remote is yours and yours alone
*You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
*If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
*If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
*The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
*If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
*You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
*If you retain water, it is in a canteen
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
*Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything

GOODBYE MOTHER!
A couple were going out for the evening. After getting ready, they put the cat out on their way out of the house to get in the taxi.

The cat, however, had a different idea and scampered back inside before they could get out. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went on out to the taxi while the husband went back in to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver "My husband will be here in just a moment. He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he explained, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

WHOSE KID?
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mum, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake."I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mum," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

MY HEARINGS FINE!
A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

ALMOST READY
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long - I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

PURCHASING POWER
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

TOUCHE!
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

AN OLD ONE BUT STILL TRUE
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

CROSS COMMUNICATRION
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

FORWARD THINKING
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

NOT ONE THING
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalise their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

"Seven weeks," says the wife.

TWINS
The young wife had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

"Why are we so happy?" he asked.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

LATERAL THINKING
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

LION TAMING
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

ENTERTAINING
Mr & Mrs Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning the wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes - then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour - what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

WHAT COMES OFF GOES ON
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model INSIDE her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. It worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!

THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilliser.

The man asked, "How often do I take these."

"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you." replied the doctor.
"They're for your wife."

FAITHFULNESS
An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years sitting at his bedside. "Is that you Ethel, at my side again?" he whispered.

"Yes, dear," she answered.

He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran's Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in a fire. and Ethel, when we were poor - you stuck with me then too."

"Yes my dear," she responded again, so lovingly.

The man sighed and said, "I tell you Ethel, you are bad luck!"

FAIR GO!
Seven year old Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

SUPER BOWL DAY
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

THE DENTIST'S VISIT
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply pull the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

AN ACCURATE AUTOMOTIVE ANALYSIS
A wife experiences some car trouble and calls her husband at work.

WIFE: "Hey, honey. There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

MOST HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in a major city. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago," he stated unequivocally.

"Red meat is awful for your physical well-being. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables tainted with pesticides can be disastrous, and bread made from refined flour is terrible for you!"

The physician with a beef against food addressed the audience with a question. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said with certainty, "Wedding cake!"

NO LONGER NEEDED
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

FORBIDDEN TERRITORY
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.

She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.

I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."

The last thing I remember saying was,

"Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony.

All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."

Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"

THE RING?
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR WOMEN SAY
 You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
 That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
 While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed.
 If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
 I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
 That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
 I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
 I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present!
 Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
 I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

JOB DESCRIPTION: A MOTHER!
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT!
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

WHERE WOULD MEN BE WITHOUT WOMEN
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

She paused a moment and looked around the room.

"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

AN IMPORTANT CALL
The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.

Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver.

"I'm talking to my wife."

SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next day the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5a.m. for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m., and that he had missed his flight!

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said, "It's 5 a.m., wake up."

FLY SWATTER
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing/" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

A BIG CAT!
The man's wife had a birthday coming and he wanted to know what she desired.

She said she'd like to have a big Jaguar.

He didn't think it was best for her.

But, she begged and begged until he gave in and got her a big one.

It ate her!

DEPENDS UPON YOURE PERSPECTIVE
Amy and Jamie are Old Friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

JUST STUPID
During a friendly argument, Jim asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she was surprised and requested an explanation.

"Well, people get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

RULES THAT RULE PARENTS
Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern mums and dads:

1. A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

2. Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

3. The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

4. A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

5. The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

6. A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year ... unless it is the only food in the fridge.

7. The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

MAKING A MARRIAGE LAST
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

ONLY ONE
While I was taking a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us.

Translated it means "To hear the other party"

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one man "My Wife"

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean Underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

MARRIAGE QUOTES
Dedicated to those of you still pondering if marriage is right for you.

*** Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

*** Marriage certificate: just another word for a work permit.

*** Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

*** Getting married is very much like buying a car...
You get what you want, and when you see what the other guy has, you wish you had ordered that model instead.

*** When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it's called self-defense.

*** Bachelor: the ONLY man who has never told his wife a lie.

*** English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.
(Now this is definite proof of useless legislation!)

*** Every woman wants a husband who is handsome, understanding, rich, and loving. But the law allows only one husband.

STATIC
"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."

The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.

"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."

THE PERFECT SHOT
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

MAKING MATTERS WORSE
"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

IN WITH DAD
When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mum is still in with dad."

MALE WISDOM
David: "I'm a man of few words."

Doug: "Yeah, I'm married, too."

JOEY
It was the first day of school and the kindergarten teacher was calling the roll and, incidentally, obtaining the required family data. She pointed to the first little boy. "Your name, please?"

"Joey Kaplan."

"And what is your father's name, Joey?"

"Papa."

The teacher hid a smile. "I didn't mean quite that. What does your mother call him?"

"Nothing," replied Joey promptly. "She likes him."

TOP SECRET
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

A WIFE'S POINT OF VIEW
Two women were discussing reincarnation.

One asked the other if her husband believed in it.

The second woman said, "Does my husband believe in life after death? My husband doesn't even believe in life after dinner!"

PARKING
If your wife parks the car, don't sit there and insist she do it properly. Walking the rest of the way to the curb is good exercise.

MEN AND WOMEN
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"

SECOND ANNIVERSARY
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office.

He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.

I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card.

It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

WHO'S DRIVING
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay to the left!"

After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother!

THE FATHERHOOD CYCLE
4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."

7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."

12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."

14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."

21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"

25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."

30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."

35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."

40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."

50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."

60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."

WHO DOES?
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

SUPPORT
Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Gina's father. "There are twelve of us..."

EXPENDABLE
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

YOU MUST BE A SAINT
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Not in the slightest."

Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"

To which, the first woman replied, "No. Why should I object? Many people don't like the food they cook."

KINDNESS
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

MARRIAGE IS A GAMBLE
Marriage is a gamble.
You start with a pair.
He shows a diamond.
She shows a heart.
Her father has a club.
His father has a spade.
There's usually a joker around somewhere,
but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen.
Then they end up with a full house.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
[stereotype alert!]

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Bob, Tom, Ryan and Dave go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bonehead, Dogman, Cucciolo (thats "puppy" in italian) and Pooman.

EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys them. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a Pepsi, then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style".

THE DREAM
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

TROUBLE
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,

"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

MAY I?
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

WITH THIS RING....
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

DID NOT!!
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort in God's sympathy with your parental difficulties.

Consider this...

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing He said to them was: "Don't eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve - we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!" said Eve.

"Yes WAY!" exclaimed Adam.

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why not?" whined Adam.

"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A while later God discovered Adam and Eve happily munching on the forbidden fruit.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam said, eyes downcast.

"Then why did you?" asked God.

"It was an accident," Eve answered, scrubbing her eyes.

"She started it!" Adam said, elbowing Eve in the ribs.

"Did Not!" Eve rejoined, kicking Adam on the shin.

"DID so!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to instil wisdom in your children, but have failed, don't be too hard on yourself. If God got nothing but trouble from His children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THE HOUSE IS GOING TO BURN
In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband, "Oh Dear George, I'm afraid the house is going to burn down, I'm sure I left the iron on."

George: "The house will not burn down Dear, don't worry"

Wife: "Now how can you make a statement like that"

George: "Cause I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub!"

TIPS ON LOVE
*From those that should know (all questions are answered by kids, ages 5-10).

WHY DOES LOVE HAPPEN BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE?
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

DICTIONARY FOR PARENTS
This list is a dictionary of terms for parents:
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who thnk your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughtly into "get a sponge."

ATTRACTION TO LIGHT!

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

LAST REQUESTS?
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun..."

DON'T WORRY MOM
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mom said it was irreplaceable."

FAMILY DEFINITIONS
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FA