The differences between men and women, the challenges of marriage and the bringing up of children are the very essence of society. The most joy and the most problems, the most challenges and the most satisfaction are found within these complex relationships. Humour often aids our perception and understanding, as well as simply giving us a good laugh. By its nature, humour often 'takes sides', so please don't take offence here. Just read further and you are bound to find something that supports your point of view!

MEMORIES OF WILLIAM  2003-03-19
'RIB'ALD HUMOUR  2003-03-19
IT'S SURE GREAT TO BE A GUY!  2003-03-19
GOODBYE MOTHER!  2003-03-19
WHOSE KID?  2003-03-19
MY HEARINGS FINE!  2003-03-19
ALMOST READY  2003-07-20
PURCHASING POWER  2003-03-19
TOUCHE!  2003-03-19
AN OLD ONE BUT STILL TRUE  2003-03-19
CROSS COMMUNICATRION  2003-03-19
FORWARD THINKING  2003-03-19
NOT ONE THING  2003-03-19
TWINS  2003-03-19
LATERAL THINKING  2003-03-19
LION TAMING  2003-03-25
ENTERTAINING  2003-03-19
WHAT COMES OFF GOES ON  2003-03-19
THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM  2003-03-19
FAITHFULNESS  2003-03-19
FAIR GO!  2003-03-22
SUPER BOWL DAY  2003-03-21
THE DENTIST'S VISIT  2003-03-21
AN ACCURATE AUTOMOTIVE ANALYSIS  2003-03-21
MOST HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH  2003-03-21
NO LONGER NEEDED  2003-03-25
FORBIDDEN TERRITORY  2003-03-25
AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN  2003-03-25
THE RING?  2003-03-25
THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR WOMEN SAY  2003-03-25
JOB DESCRIPTION: A MOTHER!  2003-03-25
IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT!  2003-03-25
WHERE WOULD MEN BE WITHOUT WOMEN  2003-03-25
AN IMPORTANT CALL  2003-03-25
SILENT TREATMENT  2003-03-25
FLY SWATTER  2003-03-25
A BIG CAT!  2003-03-25
DEPENDS UPON YOURE PERSPECTIVE  2003-03-25
JUST STUPID  2003-03-25
RULES THAT RULE PARENTS  2003-03-25
MAKING A MARRIAGE LAST  2003-03-25
ONLY ONE  2003-03-25
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...  2003-03-25
MARRIAGE QUOTES  2003-03-25
STATIC  2003-03-25
THE PERFECT SHOT  2003-03-25
MAKING MATTERS WORSE  2003-03-25
IN WITH DAD  2003-03-25
MALE WISDOM  2003-03-25
JOEY  2003-03-25
TOP SECRET  2003-07-01
A WIFE'S POINT OF VIEW  2003-07-01
PARKING  2003-07-01
MEN AND WOMEN  2003-07-01
SECOND ANNIVERSARY  2003-07-01
WHO'S DRIVING  2003-07-01
THE FATHERHOOD CYCLE  2003-07-01
WHO DOES?  2003-07-01
SUPPORT  2003-07-01
EXPENDABLE  2003-07-01
YOU MUST BE A SAINT  2003-07-01
KINDNESS  2003-07-01
MARRIAGE IS A GAMBLE  2003-07-01
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN  2003-07-01
THE DREAM  2003-07-01
TROUBLE  2003-07-01
MAY I?  2003-07-01
WITH THIS RING....  2003-07-01
DID NOT!!  2003-07-01
THE HOUSE IS GOING TO BURN  2003-07-01
TIPS ON LOVE  2003-07-01
DICTIONARY FOR PARENTS  2003-07-01
ATTRACTION TO LIGHT!  2003-07-01
LAST REQUESTS?  2003-07-01
DON'T WORRY MOM  2003-07-01
FAMILY DEFINITIONS  2003-07-01
MARRIAGE QUIPS  2003-07-01
UNCARING DEVOTION  2003-07-01
TIPS FROM THE EFFICIENCY EXPERT  2003-07-01
WHY GOD CREATED EVE  2003-07-01
CELL PHONE  2003-07-01
PREGNANCY CALL  2003-07-01
EXCUSE NOTES  2003-07-01
THE SECRET OF A CONTENTED MARRIAGE  2003-07-01
REFRIGERATOR MAGNET  2003-07-01
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN  2003-07-01
FEAR OF THUNDER  2003-07-01
MAN WAS FIRST  2003-07-01
QUICK QUIP  2003-07-01
WHICH LAW  2003-07-01
PERSUASION  2003-07-01
FISHING  2003-07-01
GOOD ADVICE  2003-07-01
WHO'S THERE?  2003-07-01
NO OPINION  2003-07-01
COOKING!  2003-07-01
THE NEW EARS  2003-07-01
OUCH!  2003-07-01
LOGIC  2003-07-01
CUTE  2003-07-01
RELATIVES?  2003-07-01
SECRET FEAR  2003-07-01
THE KICK  2003-07-01
TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN  2003-07-04
OH DEAR!  2003-07-07
EQUAL ROLES  2003-10-13
THOUGHTS ON CHILDREN  2003-10-13
WHY?  2003-10-13
ENDORSEMENT ANYONE?  2003-10-13
IMPORTANT THINGS  2003-10-13
TOUCHE!  2003-10-13
THE GENIE  2003-10-13
LESSON IN LIFE  2003-10-13
HOME HELP  2003-10-13
A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK  2003-10-13
SLOGANS!  2003-10-13
CIRCULATION  2003-10-13
WOULD YOU AGREE?  2003-10-13
MARRIAGE IS A GAMBLE  2003-10-13
THE ANSWER  2003-10-13
BEST MAN  2003-10-13
BUT!  2003-10-13
OVERHEARD  2003-10-13
CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON  2003-10-13
THE SWEATSHIRT  2003-10-13
OOPs!  2003-10-13
FORGET  2003-10-14
ENGAGED  2004-01-15
THE VOWS  2004-01-15
SYMPATHIZED  2004-01-15
THE TRIP  2004-01-15
WISDOM  2004-01-15
MARRIAGE QUALITIES  2004-01-15
Q & A  2004-01-15
HELPING YOU SEE THE GOOD IN YOUR MAN  2004-01-15
GENEROUS  2004-01-15
ANALYSIS  2004-01-15
PERFECT...  2004-01-15
EXPECTING  2004-01-15
CUSTODY!  2004-01-15
PERSPECTIVE!  2004-01-15
A SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY  2004-01-15
FLOWERS  2004-01-15
GOOD AND BAD NEWS  2004-01-15
TRAINING COURSES FOR WOMEN  2004-01-15
FOUR LETTER WORDS  2004-01-15
THAT'S A MAN!  2004-01-15
COLLEGE  2004-01-15
MAN & WOMAN  2004-01-15
WILL YOU BE JOINING ME?  2004-01-15
COMMERCIALLY?  2004-01-15
DEAR MUM (MOM)  2004-01-15
THE DISASTER  2004-01-15
THE TAPS  2004-01-15
NOT ENOUGH TIME  2004-01-15
THE PROPOSAL  2004-01-15
LAWS OF PARENTING  2004-01-15
HAPPIEST MAN  2004-01-15
WHO?  2004-01-15
SOMETHING ELECTRIC?  2004-01-15
BAD, MALE CHAUVANISTIC QUIPS - BE WARNED!  2004-01-15
TOO TRUE!  2005-02-25
16 BIBLICAL WAYS TO AQUIRE A WIFE  2005-02-25
THE DOG  2006-07-19
WILL PRINT  2006-07-19
SUBJECT: WIVES  2006-10-31
REGUALAR OR PREMIUM  2009-08-13
TRY A WIFE  2010-01-14
FOR ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!  2010-11-28
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME.....  2012-09-11
GOOD MORNING!  2012-10-16
FOUR HUSBANDS  2013-02-14
ODD COD  2013-04-30

MEMORIES OF WILLIAM
A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms. "I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide.

The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the man. The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "William," she repeated over and over. "Oh, William!"

"She was to marry a man named William," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."

They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "William! William!"

"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost William also."

"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"

'RIB'ALD HUMOUR
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

IT'S SURE GREAT TO BE A GUY!
*Phone conversations last 30 seconds
*You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
*A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
*Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
*You can open all your own jars
*Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
*When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
*You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
*You can go to the bathroom alone
*Your last name stays put
*You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
*You can kill your own food
*The garage is all yours
*You see the humoUr in "Terms of Endearment"
*Cleaning the toilet is optional
*You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
*Wedding plans take care of themselves
*If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
*Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
*None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
*You don't have to shave below your neck
*You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
*If you're 34 and single, no one notices
*Chocolate is just another snack
*You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
*You never have to worry about other's feelings
*Three pair of shoes are more than enough
*You can say anything and not worry about what people think
*You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
*Car mechanics tell you the truth
*You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
*You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
*One mood, all the time
*You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
*Gray hair and wrinkles add character
*Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
*You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
*You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
*The remote is yours and yours alone
*You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
*If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
*If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
*The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
*If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
*You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
*If you retain water, it is in a canteen
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
*Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything

GOODBYE MOTHER!
A couple were going out for the evening. After getting ready, they put the cat out on their way out of the house to get in the taxi.

The cat, however, had a different idea and scampered back inside before they could get out. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went on out to the taxi while the husband went back in to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explained to the taxi driver "My husband will be here in just a moment. He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he explained, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

WHOSE KID?
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mum, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake."I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mum," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

MY HEARINGS FINE!
A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

ALMOST READY
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long - I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

PURCHASING POWER
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

TOUCHE!
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

AN OLD ONE BUT STILL TRUE
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

CROSS COMMUNICATRION
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,

"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

FORWARD THINKING
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

NOT ONE THING
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalise their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

"Seven weeks," says the wife.

TWINS
The young wife had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

"Why are we so happy?" he asked.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

LATERAL THINKING
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

LION TAMING
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

ENTERTAINING
Mr & Mrs Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning the wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes - then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour - what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

WHAT COMES OFF GOES ON
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model INSIDE her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. It worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method. The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!

THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilliser.

The man asked, "How often do I take these."

"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you." replied the doctor.
"They're for your wife."

FAITHFULNESS
An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years sitting at his bedside. "Is that you Ethel, at my side again?" he whispered.

"Yes, dear," she answered.

He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in the Veteran's Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when we lost everything in a fire. and Ethel, when we were poor - you stuck with me then too."

"Yes my dear," she responded again, so lovingly.

The man sighed and said, "I tell you Ethel, you are bad luck!"

FAIR GO!
Seven year old Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

SUPER BOWL DAY
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

THE DENTIST'S VISIT
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply pull the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

AN ACCURATE AUTOMOTIVE ANALYSIS
A wife experiences some car trouble and calls her husband at work.

WIFE: "Hey, honey. There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

MOST HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in a major city. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago," he stated unequivocally.

"Red meat is awful for your physical well-being. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables tainted with pesticides can be disastrous, and bread made from refined flour is terrible for you!"

The physician with a beef against food addressed the audience with a question. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said with certainty, "Wedding cake!"

NO LONGER NEEDED
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

FORBIDDEN TERRITORY
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.

She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.

I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."

The last thing I remember saying was,

"Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony.

All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."

Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"

THE RING?
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR WOMEN SAY
 You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
 That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch football again?
 While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed.
 If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
 I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
 That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
 I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
 I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present!
 Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
 I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

JOB DESCRIPTION: A MOTHER!
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT!
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

WHERE WOULD MEN BE WITHOUT WOMEN
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

She paused a moment and looked around the room.

"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

AN IMPORTANT CALL
The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.

Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver.

"I'm talking to my wife."

SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next day the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5a.m. for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m., and that he had missed his flight!

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said, "It's 5 a.m., wake up."

FLY SWATTER
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing/" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

A BIG CAT!
The man's wife had a birthday coming and he wanted to know what she desired.

She said she'd like to have a big Jaguar.

He didn't think it was best for her.

But, she begged and begged until he gave in and got her a big one.

It ate her!

DEPENDS UPON YOURE PERSPECTIVE
Amy and Jamie are Old Friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

JUST STUPID
During a friendly argument, Jim asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she was surprised and requested an explanation.

"Well, people get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

RULES THAT RULE PARENTS
Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern mums and dads:

1. A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

2. Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

3. The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

4. A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

5. The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

6. A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year ... unless it is the only food in the fridge.

7. The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

MAKING A MARRIAGE LAST
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

ONLY ONE
While I was taking a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us.

Translated it means "To hear the other party"

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one man "My Wife"

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean Underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

MARRIAGE QUOTES
Dedicated to those of you still pondering if marriage is right for you.

*** Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

*** Marriage certificate: just another word for a work permit.

*** Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

*** Getting married is very much like buying a car...
You get what you want, and when you see what the other guy has, you wish you had ordered that model instead.

*** When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it's called self-defense.

*** Bachelor: the ONLY man who has never told his wife a lie.

*** English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.
(Now this is definite proof of useless legislation!)

*** Every woman wants a husband who is handsome, understanding, rich, and loving. But the law allows only one husband.

STATIC
"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."

The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.

"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."

THE PERFECT SHOT
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

MAKING MATTERS WORSE
"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

IN WITH DAD
When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mum is still in with dad."

MALE WISDOM
David: "I'm a man of few words."

Doug: "Yeah, I'm married, too."

JOEY
It was the first day of school and the kindergarten teacher was calling the roll and, incidentally, obtaining the required family data. She pointed to the first little boy. "Your name, please?"

"Joey Kaplan."

"And what is your father's name, Joey?"

"Papa."

The teacher hid a smile. "I didn't mean quite that. What does your mother call him?"

"Nothing," replied Joey promptly. "She likes him."

TOP SECRET
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

A WIFE'S POINT OF VIEW
Two women were discussing reincarnation.

One asked the other if her husband believed in it.

The second woman said, "Does my husband believe in life after death? My husband doesn't even believe in life after dinner!"

PARKING
If your wife parks the car, don't sit there and insist she do it properly. Walking the rest of the way to the curb is good exercise.

MEN AND WOMEN
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"

SECOND ANNIVERSARY
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office.

He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.

I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card.

It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

WHO'S DRIVING
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay to the left!"

After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother!

THE FATHERHOOD CYCLE
4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."

7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."

12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."

14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."

21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"

25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."

30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."

35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."

40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."

50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."

60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."

WHO DOES?
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

SUPPORT
Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Gina's father. "There are twelve of us..."

EXPENDABLE
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

YOU MUST BE A SAINT
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Not in the slightest."

Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"

To which, the first woman replied, "No. Why should I object? Many people don't like the food they cook."

KINDNESS
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

MARRIAGE IS A GAMBLE
Marriage is a gamble.
You start with a pair.
He shows a diamond.
She shows a heart.
Her father has a club.
His father has a spade.
There's usually a joker around somewhere,
but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen.
Then they end up with a full house.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
[stereotype alert!]

NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Bob, Tom, Ryan and Dave go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bonehead, Dogman, Cucciolo (thats "puppy" in italian) and Pooman.

EATING OUT:
And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys them. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a Pepsi, then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style".

THE DREAM
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

TROUBLE
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,

"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

MAY I?
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

WITH THIS RING....
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

DID NOT!!
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort in God's sympathy with your parental difficulties.

Consider this...

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing He said to them was: "Don't eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve - we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!" said Eve.

"Yes WAY!" exclaimed Adam.

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why not?" whined Adam.

"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A while later God discovered Adam and Eve happily munching on the forbidden fruit.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam said, eyes downcast.

"Then why did you?" asked God.

"It was an accident," Eve answered, scrubbing her eyes.

"She started it!" Adam said, elbowing Eve in the ribs.

"Did Not!" Eve rejoined, kicking Adam on the shin.

"DID so!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to instil wisdom in your children, but have failed, don't be too hard on yourself. If God got nothing but trouble from His children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THE HOUSE IS GOING TO BURN
In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband, "Oh Dear George, I'm afraid the house is going to burn down, I'm sure I left the iron on."

George: "The house will not burn down Dear, don't worry"

Wife: "Now how can you make a statement like that"

George: "Cause I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub!"

TIPS ON LOVE
*From those that should know (all questions are answered by kids, ages 5-10).

WHY DOES LOVE HAPPEN BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE?
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

DICTIONARY FOR PARENTS
This list is a dictionary of terms for parents:
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who thnk your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughtly into "get a sponge."

ATTRACTION TO LIGHT!

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

LAST REQUESTS?
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun..."

DON'T WORRY MOM
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mom said it was irreplaceable."

FAMILY DEFINITIONS
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him/her.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

MARRIAGE QUIPS
*** Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
*** After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
*** A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
*** The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
*** When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
*** Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
*** A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
*** Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
*** Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
*** A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
*** "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
*** If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
*** Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
*** Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
*** How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
*** The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
*** Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
*** First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
*** Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

UNCARING DEVOTION
This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral" she replied.

TIPS FROM THE EFFICIENCY EXPERT
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

WHY GOD CREATED EVE
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that." (Not true, of course. God is perfect all the time!)

CELL PHONE
A young man, wanted to get his beautiful young wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day she goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"

"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlour?"

PREGNANCY CALL
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

EXCUSE NOTES
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
5. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
6. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
7. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

THE SECRET OF A CONTENTED MARRIAGE
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," Explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

" I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'

REFRIGERATOR MAGNET
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
8. Help keep the kitchen clean -- eat out.
9. Housework done properly can kill you.
10. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
11. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

FEAR OF THUNDER
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's bed."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

MAN WAS FIRST
It's obvious that God made man first, then woman. Man is like a rough draft, woman is the finished copy.

QUICK QUIP
Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper!
-Primatutu

WHICH LAW
John was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to obey a police Officer. "Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could have given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.

"It's like this, your honor," explained John. "My wife said I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law."

PERSUASION
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

FISHING
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said,
"Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are so next time I'll know?"

"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down closest to the water."

"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"

GOOD ADVICE
Want to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

WHO'S THERE?
A woman was at home with her children. The telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug. She grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over, with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.

As the telephone table fell, it hit the family dog - who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by the noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She, finally, managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear.

On the other end was her husband's voice. "Nobody has said hello, yet; but, I'm positive I have the right number."

NO OPINION
An important and very well publicized trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place.

One prospective juror, Douglas was called for his question session. He was asked, "Property holder?" Douglas replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?" Douglas responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?" Douglas stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

COOKING!
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

THE NEW EARS
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He hears of a very good one in England, and goes to see him. The surgeon examines him, thought a while, and says, "yes, I can help you."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears!"

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "Are you having problems hearing with your new ears?" asks the Doc.

"No, Doc... I can hear just fine... but I don't understand a thing!"

OUCH!
Nina came home rather late. "Oh, Sweetheart," she called out to her husband, "your car's on Main Street." What's it doing on Main Street?" He replied. "Why didn't you bring it home?"

"Couldn't" Nina said. "It's too dark out there to find all the parts."

LOGIC
After a particularly rough argument, the wife says to her husband, "I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm right, if you'll admit you're wrong."

CUTE
In the manner of all new mothers, I spent a lot of time inspecting my firstborn, When he was almost a month old. I noticed a curious dimple on his bottom. With each diaper
change and bath I became more concerned. What if the boys inthe locker room found it funny and teased him about it, or, even worse, what if some future spouse thought it to be
strange?

One evening I approached my husband, "Look at this," I cried, waving the small bottom about. "Do you think it will embarrass him when he grows up? Do you think it's strange?"

My husband listened patiently to my outburst, then said, "No, I don't think it is strange, dear. I've always thought that it was pretty cute on you!"

RELATIVES?
Years ago, George and Laura Bush had enjoyed lunch at the only cafe in Crawford, and were driving back to the ranch in silence. They had had a disagreement just before they got into the pickup truck, and were giving each other the silent treatment. As they passed a
small farm with pigs and a mule in the pasture next to the highway, George couldn't resist. Pointing to the livestock, he jokingly asked, "Relatives of yours?"

Laura, quick witted as ever, responded, "Yes ... in-laws."

SECRET FEAR
Over the cover of a women's magazine, a title caught my eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." I decided to get a first hand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" I asked my husband.

"That you'll quit," he promptly replied.

THE KICK
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under
the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I
passed it along!"

TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under
the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

OH DEAR!
While I was paying for my items at a local store, the man behind me laid his purchases on the counter. Among them was a large, flowery birthday card with "To my wonderful wife" printed on it.

The clerk said, "You've chosen our biggest and prettiest card."

The man nodded sadly and replied, "One day late."

EQUAL ROLES
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work.

But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers.

She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office.

"How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

THOUGHTS ON CHILDREN
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it."

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are
children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

Last but not least:
Children are a big 'chunk' of your heart, with arms & legs.

WHY?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

ENDORSEMENT ANYONE?
Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs. Jones, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time.

When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr. Jones"

IMPORTANT THINGS
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower ?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

TOUCHE!
Grumbled the new groom at dinner: "Why can't you make bread like my mother does?"

Answered his bride, "Why can't you make dough like my father does?"

THE GENIE
man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

LESSON IN LIFE
My parents have been married for almost 40 years.

Whenever anyone asks my Dad how they've stayed married for so long, he claims they are compatible. They both like to fight! He says that they have come to an agreement on one thing...

He doesn't try to run her life, and he doesn't try to run his.

HOME HELP
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular?

Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

SLOGANS!
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom...."

CIRCULATION
Soon after marriage, Terri's husband, Colby stopped wearing his wedding ring. Terri asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

Colby replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

Terri answered back, "It's supposed to!"

WOULD YOU AGREE?
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

MARRIAGE IS A GAMBLE
Marriage is a gamble.
You start with a pair.
He shows a diamond.
She shows a heart.
Her father has a club.
His father has a spade.
There's usually a joker around somewhere,
but after a while he becomes a king and
she becomes a queen.
Then they end up with a full house.

THE ANSWER
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

BEST MAN
Jeff had been my best friend since kindergarten, so it was no surprise to me when he asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we were getting
dressed for the ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe case of "cold feet". "I can't go through with it," he said."I'm nauseous, my stomach cramps, my knees are like spaghetti."

I said, "It's just PMS."

"PMS?" he asked.

"Yeah," I quipped, "Pre-Minister Syndrome"

BUT!
Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman.

But unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them!

OVERHEARD
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?" the pal asked.

"Waiting for me to get home."

CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

THE SWEATSHIRT
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Auburn."

OOPs!
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

FORGET
Every married man should forget his mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.

ENGAGED
I'm thinking about getting married. I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then I looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged." ~ Scott Wood

THE VOWS
A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy playing "wedding."

The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent; anything you say may be held against you; you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

SYMPATHIZED
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

THE TRIP
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

WISDOM
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

MARRIAGE QUALITIES
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."

Q & A
Q. What is a woman's most popular labor saving device ?
A. A husband with lots of money.

HELPING YOU SEE THE GOOD IN YOUR MAN
They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.

They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.

They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.

Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.

Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.

Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.

The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward, of their inner Little Leaguer.

How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.

What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.

They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.

Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.

Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.

They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.

They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.

How nice their hands look holding ours.

Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out.

Their ignorance is usually amusing.

They have a great sense of competition.

They give great hugs, (and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you" is added).

Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring.

They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart,
even when we don't want them to.

They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be.

They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.

GENEROUS
After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last."

Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hon. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."

ANALYSIS
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

PERFECT...
Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?

Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?

Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.

Father: When was that?

Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.

EXPECTING
How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet...

CUSTODY!
My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.

His wife doesn't want him... and his mother won't take him back.

PERSPECTIVE!
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

A SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY
There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary. The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to make her breakfast in bed.

When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed. "Oh John, thank you so much. I didn't expect this!" The husband than tells her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold. So the woman is blindfolded and the man leads her the way.

Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold.

She takes it off and is totally stunned and very excited she shouts: "Oh John!!!! We are in Paris, aren't we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary?!!"

"Well that's quite simple," John answers. "That's when I come to pick you up again!"

FLOWERS
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."

"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."

"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done!"

GOOD AND BAD NEWS
Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

Husband: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."

Wife: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

Husband: "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just give me the good news."

Wife: "Well, the air bag works."

TRAINING COURSES FOR WOMEN
Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women in the following subjects:

Silence, The Final Frontier:
Where no woman has gone before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making deposits.

Parties:
Going without new outfits.

Man Management:
Minor household chores can wait till after the game.

Bathroom Etiquette 1:
Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.

Bathroom Etiquette 2:
His razor is his.

Communication Skills 1:
Tears - the last resort, not the first.

Communication Skills 2:
Thinking before speaking.

Communication Skills 3:
Getting what you want without nagging.

Driving A Car Safely:
A skill you can acquire.

Telephone Skills:
How to hang up.

Advanced Parking:
Backing into a space.

Water Retention: Fact or fat.

Cooking 1:
Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter.

Cooking 2:
Bran and tofu are not for human consumption.

Cooking 3:
How not to inflict your diets on other people.

Compliments:
Accepting them gracefully.

PMS:
Your problem... not his.

Dancing:
Why men don't like to.

Classic Clothing:
Wearing outfits you already have.

Household Dust:
A harmless natural occurrence only women notice.

Integrating Your Laundry:
Washing it all together.

Oil and Gas:
Your car needs both.

TV Remotes:
For men only.

FOUR LETTER WORDS
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

THAT'S A MAN!
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

COLLEGE
The wife was crying as her daughter went off to college. Her husband consoled her, "Don't think of it as losing a daughter. Think of it as gaining both a telephone and a bathroom."

MAN & WOMAN
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.

WILL YOU BE JOINING ME?
As I as on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.

"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.

"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start
adding more water to the tub."

COMMERCIALLY?
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at home made cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."

DEAR MUM (MOM)
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by
that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk."

THE DISASTER
Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened.

There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

>From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

THE TAPS
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

NOT ENOUGH TIME
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her.

We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix.

She's still mad at me. What did I do?

THE PROPOSAL
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your boyfriend came to me today, and told me that he wants to marry you, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Daddy, I'm so happy....." gushed his daughter, "but it's going to be so hard to leave mother after we're married."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed her dad. "You can just take her with you.

LAWS OF PARENTING
--The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
-- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
---Toys multiply to fill any space available.
---The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
---Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
---If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
---The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
---The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
---Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

HAPPIEST MAN
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

WHO?
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being... a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute property; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows..."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. She replied," I think its a great idea... I would love to help you choose your pet dog."

SOMETHING ELECTRIC?
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

BAD, MALE CHAUVANISTIC QUIPS - BE WARNED!
Red Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

TOO TRUE!
!!! Some people get married only for the matri-money. (Pun of the Day)

!!! Some men view marriage as a matter of wife and debt. (Pun of the Day)

!!! Years before computerized living, moms were going "on line". (Jumble)

!!! Outside a second-hand shop in Bath: We exchange anything -- bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain? (Richard Lederer)

16 BIBLICAL WAYS TO AQUIRE A WIFE
16 Biblical ways to aquire a wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35)

Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. -- Jesus (Revelation 15?)


THE DOG
The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.

He drove around the neighbourhood for some time with no luck.

Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.

"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.

WILL PRINT
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, but cautioned her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print YOUR AGE."


SUBJECT: WIVES
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

THIS IS FOR ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

REGUALAR OR PREMIUM
When their family car developed a slight knock, my neighbor and I started discussing possible causes while we were visiting on their back deck. I worked as a mechanic all through high school, so I suggested maybe it was something as simple as cheap gasoline.

My neighbor called to his wife to ask if she had bought regular or premium gas the last time she drove into town. She couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" He asked, thinking that would help him determine if she bought regular or premium.

"I didn't buy cheap gas. It cost the same as always," his wife said from the kitchen. "I bought twenty dollars worth just like I alwasy do."

TRY A WIFE
Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on
the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.

In an effort to find a program that could fulfill my needs I went to a number of computer stores to find software that would do the job. I had no luck at the first few.

I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced and had the knowledge of computer programs to solve my problem.


"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

FOR ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME.....
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

……Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

GOOD MORNING!
A couple drove several miles down a country road without saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

FOUR HUSBANDS
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her quest...ions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

ODD COD
We enjoyed our recent trip to England. The service
was good and the food was much better than we had
been told to expect.

When we ordered at a small fish and chips shop in the
English Midlands, we couldn't believe the size of the
portion of fish. It was unbelievably large and it was
even more delicious. It was truly wonderful, but how
could they make money giving so much fish at such a
low price?

The shop's proprietor explained, "It's the piece of
cod which passes all understanding."

Via Daily Humor... To Join: Daily-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com