A COLLECTION OF BOTH FUN & THOUGHTFUL THOUGHTS OF OTHERS

CHRISTIAN ONE-LINERS
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.


"I have found that there are three stages in every great work of
God: first, it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done."
- Hudson Taylor

"Faith sees the invisible, believes the unbelievable, and receives
the impossible."- Corrie ten Boom

"We never test the resources of God until we attempt the
IMPOSSIBLE." - F.B. Meyer

"Until we reach for the IMPOSSIBLE through fervent, faith-filled
prayer, we will NEVER fulfill our created purpose!" - David Smithers

"Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE with GOD." - Luke 1: 37

"A church without an intelligent, well-organized, and systematic
prayer program is simply operating a religious treadmill."
- Paul E. Billheimer

"God will do nothing but in answer to prayer." - John Wesley

"The greatest thing anyone can do for God and for man is to pray.
You can do more than pray after you have prayed, but you cannot
do more than pray until you have prayed. Prayer is striking the
winning blow ... service is gathering up the results." - S.D. Gordon

"Don't pray when you feel like it. Have an appointment with the
Lord and keep it. A man is powerful on his knees." - Corrie ten Boom

"God never ceases to speak to us, but the noise of the world
without and the tumult of our passions within bewilder us and
prevent us from listening to him." - Fenelon

"God will either give you what you ask, or something far better."
- Robert Murray McCheyne

"Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?" - Corrie ten Boom

"Jesus Christ carries on intercession for us in heaven; the Holy
Ghost carries on intercession in us on earth; and we the saints
have to carry on intercession for all men." - Oswald Chambers

"Our prayers lay the track down which God's power can come.
Like a mighty locomotive, his power is irresistible, but it cannot
reach us without rails." - Watchman Nee

"Prayer is not learned in a classroom but in the closet." - E. M. Bounds

"Prayer is not monologue, but dialogue. God's voice in response
to mine is its most essential part." - Andrew Murray

"Prayerlessness is a sin." - Corrie ten Boom

"Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint upon his knees."
- William Cowper

YOUNG LOVE
* "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." (Rebecca - age 8)

* "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." (Billy - age 4)

* "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." (Karl - age 5)

* "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." (Chrissy - age 6)

* "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." (Terri - age 4)

* "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." (Danny - age 7)

* "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." (Bobby - age 5)

* "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate." (Nikka - age 6)
* "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." (Noelle - age 7)
* "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." (Tommy - age 6)

* "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." (Clare - Age 5)

* "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." (Elaine - age 5)

* "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." (Chris - age 8)

* "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." (Mary Ann - age 4)

* "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." (Lauren - age 4)

* "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." (Bethany - age 4)

* "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (Karen - age 7)

* "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." (Mark - age 6)

* "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." (Jessica - age 8)

* "There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." (Jenny - age 4)

RANDOM ACTS of THINKING
If you cross a zebra with a chicken, will you get an egg with a bar code?

I knew a gal who couldn't see a movie because she didn't have 16 friends. The theater had told her Under 17 Not Admitted.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Could you call an EKG ticker tape?

My wife and I took a massage class, but she didn't enjoy my participation. Apparently I rub her the wrong way.

Some bankers are generous to a vault.

The only book I need to tell me where I should go on vacation is my checkbook.

Is a hypocrite someone who writes a book on atheism and prays it will sell?

If God *really* wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten disciples.

I actually have too much will power. It's won't power that's in short supply.

The lion and the lamb may lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep.

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I say it I'm compelled to wash my mouth out with chocolate.

You can cut down on the number of mistakes you make at work by coming in late.

I pawned my chess set.

I have a friend who's both a terrible actor and terribly clumsy. Last week he fell off the stage during auditions and broke his leg. It'll be the first time he's in the same cast for more than two weeks.

Yesterday I declared war on drugs. I started by glaring fiercely at my pharmacist.

My wife and I met at the hospital. We both had kidney stones. You could say we met in passing.

HOW OLD?
He looks like a million bucks -- after taxes

She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth...she lies about her age.

She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.

When it comes to telling her age, she's shy -- about 10 years shy.

I've stopped exercising. Pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He's so old he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked "Urgent"


I've heard it's bad luck to be superstitious?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

A professor is a person who talks in SOMEONE ELSE'S sleep.

We can stand affliction better than we can prosperity, for in prosperity we forget God.
(Dwight Moody)

Christ is a substitute for everything, but nothing is a substitute for Christ. (Ironside)

No one who really wants to count for God can afford to play at Christianity.

If lips and life do not agree, the testimony will not amount to much.

Time is given us to use in view of eternity.

No one ever lost out by excessive devotion to Christ.

Christianity is Christ!


I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones to ride horses side-saddle. (Think about it!)

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Why do people say "close proximity"? Is there a "far proximity?"

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

What's another word for thesaurus?

What rhymes with orange?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

They asked me if I had a problem being ignorant and apathetic. I told them, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Life is like a roll of toilet paper... the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (it's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A RANDOM WORLD OF THOUGHTS
WISDOM FROM GRANDPA
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

ENCOURAGEMENTS WHEN LIFE IS DIFFICULT
God's hand is in everything, so we can leave everything in God's hands.

God will work with us in a seemingly hopeless situation.

No matter how far you have strayed, God still love's you.

Jesus has promised to answer whatever you ask, if its in His will for you.

Great problems put you in a perfect position to watch God's big answers.

Just take one small step toward Me and I will meet you there.

Concentrating on God and his power will help us see the way out.

Focus on God and trust him- that is all he needs to begin His work in you.

God doesn't need much from us to accomplish his plan for our life.

I am powerless to choose my fate; I have the power to choose my response to my fate.

Let God have your life, he can do more with it then you can.

I will never turn away anyone who comes to me.

You can give God a thimble, a bucket, or a drum to fill.

We never know what good He will bring out of a seemingly hopeless situation.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

God has said, "I will never leave you; I will never abandon you."

Let's not doubt God's all-sufficient enablement. He will carry us through life's darkest hours.

When God is at work, suffering setbacks, hardships may still occur.

Samson's story teaches us that it is never too late to start over.

Believe that God has a solution, a provision, or a gift to match your difficulty.

Ask, "What would Jesus do?"

God always answers our prayers, changes circumstances or supplies power to overcome.

Do not worry about tomorrow, sufficient for today is its own trouble.

God in His mercy delivered His people over & over again.

If you are praying for relief & not happening as quickly, God may be leading you to special treasures.

Sometimes the solution & blessing lie in the place we have ignored, right in front of us.

Only when we are brought to the end of ourselves are we in a position to see more of God.

We know God has a position for you using your gifts & personality.

God is personally involved in your life and nudges you to ask for his power to help you.

Wait with expectancy and availability, trusting God to work out His perfect will.

Praise Him- even before He acts.

Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...it does mean God has a better idea!

God's delays are not God's denials.

When you've exhausted all possibilities, remember this: You haven't!

When we try, in his name, to seek forgiveness, God blesses even our mistakes.

THOUGHTS FOR THINKERS
1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

2. If you are worried, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.

3. As a child of God, prayer is like calling home every day.

4. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

7. God wants spiritual fruit not religious nuts.

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

9. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.

10. Laugh every day; it's like inner jogging.

11. The most important things in your home are the people.

12. Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

14. A grudge is the heaviest thing to carry.

15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.


16. We do not remember days but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy every precious moment.

17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's just hearsay.

18. It is all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle; it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

WISDOM
* Kindness is the Language the deaf can hear and the blind can see

* Real wealth comes when we make a difference for other people

* The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up

* Life gives birth to life. Energy creates more energy. We become rich by giving ourselves away.

* Your talents are God's gift to you. Who you serve with your talents is your gift to God.

* What you make happen for others, God will make happen for you

* Don’t always look to get a blessing, look to BE a blessing.

* Give another what they cannot find anywhere else and they will keep returning

* Your rewards in life are determined by the problems you solve for others

* You can get everything you want in life, if you just help enough other people get what they want.

WHAT GOD WONT ASK
1. God won't ask what kind of fancy car you drove. He will ask how many people you took to church who didn't have transportation.

2. God won't ask the square footage of your house. He will ask how many people you helped who didn't have a house.

3. God won’t ask how much food you stockpiled in your home. He will ask how much food you gave to the needy.

4. God won't ask how many fancy clothes you had in your closet. He will ask how many of those clothes you gave away to the needy.

5. God won't ask what social class you were in. He will ask what kind of "class" you displayed.

6. God won't ask how many materials you possessed. He will ask how many materials possessed you.

7. God won't ask what your highest salary was. He will ask if you trampled over any people to obtain that salary.

8. God won't ask how much overtime you worked. He will ask if you spent more time with your family.

9. God won't ask how many promotions you received. He will ask what you did to promote others.

10. God won't ask what your job title was. He will ask did you perform your job to the best of your ability.

11. God won't ask how many times you didn't run around on your spouse. He will ask how many times you did.

12. God won't ask how many degrees you had. He will ask how many people you thanked for helping you get those degrees.

13. God won't ask what your parents did to help you. He will ask what you did to help your parents.

14. God won't ask what you did to help yourself. He will ask what you did to help others.

15. God won't ask how many friends you had. He will ask how many people you were a friend to.

16. God won't ask what you did to protect your rights. He will ask what you did to protect the right of others.

17. God won't ask what neighborhood you lived in. He will ask what other neighborhoods you visited.

18. God won't ask how many times you told the truth. He will ask how many times you told a lie.

19. God won't ask about the color of your skin. He will ask about the color of your heart.

20. God won't ask how many times your deeds matched your words. He will ask how many times they didn't.

HOMILIES TO LIVE BY
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

WORDS TO LIVE BY
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS
Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try > to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for six strong men to carry you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
Never leave your wife's anniversary present in a Wal-Mart bag.

The person who pays for the pizza gets the toppings that fall off in the box.

Definition of a will: It's a dead giveaway.

I don't need beauty sleep, I need a coma.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall claims it's a forgery.

It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill - just add a little dirt.

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck...

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE.


The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks the water.

What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

A marriage in trouble is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot the horse, but it but it won't help the leg. {Barney Miller TV show} --Lawrence Brotherton


I don't get even, I get odder.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income.

DRIVING / MOTORISTS

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.. you may think they’re uncomfortable, but have you ever tried a stretcher?

There is a line on the ocean where you can lose a day by crossing it.. there’s one on the highway where you can do even better than that.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits, are objects of scorn to smart American motorists who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

The driver is safe when the roads are dry.. the roads are safer when the driver is dry!

Take chances, and the chances are that you won’t have many chances to take.

Better to be patient on the road, than a patient in the hospital.

Always drive so that your license will expire before you do.

It is better to be last in the traffic lane, than first in a funeral procession.

Safety hint: The moment you forget for a moment; you may remember a lifetime.

Drive carefully… Remember, it is not only a car than can be recalled by its maker.

Safe driving will keep your car out of the junkyard, and your body out of the graveyard.

Proper attitudes are more vital to safe driving than operating skills.

A good driver keeps his eyes on 2 things when coming to a traffic light… red lights and “green drivers”.

What has not happened to you in 10 years of driving, may happen to you in the next 10 min.

One reason why courts don’t handle more drunk driver cases, is that the undertaker gets them first.

It is not the horses under the hood that cause traffic accidents; it is the jackasses behind the wheel.

Daydreams at the steering wheel, lead to nightmares at the hospital.

When 2 cars try to get into a place meant for one; there’s often room for a third - the ambulance.

It is not the used cars that are a menace on the highways… it is the misused cars.

Law gives the pedestrian the right of way; but makes no provision for flowers.

The pedestrian may be wrong, but he doesn’t deserve the death sentence.

SPEEDING….
When speeding, it might do well to remember that it is better to be a little late down
here, than to be early up there!

Drive like lightning, and you may crash like thunder.

You have less chance of reaching 90 - if your car does!

It is better to be late, than to be “the late”.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
in your pocket.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n putting it back.

You will always pull the wrong shoelace first.

Just when you get really good at something, you won't need to do it anymore.

All people have at least ten faults. Pick ten you can live with.

All the planning in the world never beat luck.

Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for fish.

For every problem there's a simple solution. Unfortunately it's usually wrong.

FROM ALBERT EINSTEIN
Albert Einstein was recently selected "Man of the Century" by Time Magazine for his Theory of Relativity. Here is some of his "down-to-earth" wit and wisdom:

If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

A + B + C = Success if, A = Hard Work, B = Hard Play, C = Keeping your mouth shut.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

God is subtle, but he is not malicious

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.


Rule #1 If you're coasting, you're going down hill.
Rule #2 If you're not coasting, you're not going down hill.

To learn from your mistakes you have to admit you make them.

The cream rises to the top, but so does the scum.

If you live long enough, something will kill you.

The more a person is confused by what you say the more they will agree with you.

Procrastination is the root of it's own boredom.

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In a crowd the person with the loudest voice will be standing directly behind you.

Bad breath is better than no breath at all.

When you talk about someone behind their back, they will be there someplace.

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance. - Kurt Vonnegut

"Intelligent" is a term used to describe someone who agrees with you.

Life is like a game of golf: you drive hard to get to the green and then you end up in a hole.

Things aren't like they used to be and they never were.

Horse sense is what a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.

If you think your problems are behind you, chances you are driving a school bus.

I'm getting so absent-minded that sometimes in the middle of a sentence I...

When you have a lot of things to do, get your nap out of the way first.

If there are two events of equal importance they will happen at the same time.

A pessimist mourns the future.

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. - Robert Frost

People complain most about things over which they have no control.

Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.

Nothing is as good as it seems beforehand.

Calories are delicious.

The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.

The two greatest things in the world are women and cellophane tape.

An object in motion will always be moving in the wrong direction.

If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.

There is something wrong if you're always right.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

People are like tea bags - You never know their strength until they get into hot water.

The easiest crops to grow are weeds and pests.

If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen but not necessarily what you intended.

All's war in love and fairness.

Before having a midlife crisis, it's good to have a life.

Life is like snow: you don't know when it will come or how long it will last or how much you will get.

For every reason there is for doing something, there are three for not doing it.

A public telephone is never being used until you have an emergency.

Integrity is like oxygen. The higher you go the less there is.

There's more to life than increasing its speed.

Life is a do-it-yourself project.

The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.

Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong.

Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it, it's all over.

When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot.

When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad.

Never remember what you can afford to forget.

Air driers in public washrooms will shut off just as they get warm enough to do any good.

Never say never, and always avoid always.

The right thing to say comes to mind after you've said the wrong thing.

If it's good they will stop making it.

Most people don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three or four times.

If it is ironic, it's possibly true.

Any bad habit is easier than the corresponding good habit.

Problems that go away by themselves usually come back by themselves.

A pessimist mourns the future.

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

Economy means spending your money without getting any fun from it.

Definitions would be a good thing if only we did not need words in making them.

Life is seldom as unendurable as it logically ought to be.

Diplomats strive to avert situations that would never occur if there were no diplomats.

In democracies people profess to believe that other people are as good as they say they are.

LIFE'S LITTLE REMINDERS

1. An apology is a good way to have the last word.

2. Pick your friends, but not to pieces.

3. Life is like a mirror; we get the best results when we smile at it.

4. Usually people are as happy as they make their minds up to be.

5. You cannot leave footprints in the sands of time while sitting down.

6. You will never offend a person by returning a smile.

7. Gentle words fall lightly, but have great weight.

People who have time to write books generally have very little to write about.

Civilization makes it possible for you to live off other persons instead of off the land.

In Congress someone gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree.

There is no apparent connection between a university's performance in major sports and the propensity toward generosity on the part of its donors.

If it were not for marriage, people would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

SOME FAITH THOUGHTS
The best way to get even is to forget..

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

Some folks wear their halos much too tight...

Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth.

Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 or 6 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...

Words are windows to the heart.

A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being the right person.

The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!

SLOW DOWN THERAPY
"Slow Down Therapy"

1. Slow down; God is still in heaven. You are not responsible for doing it all yourself, right now.

2. Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past. Rest there. Each moment has richness that takes a lifetime to savor.

3. Set your own pace. When someone is pushing you, it's OK to tell them they're pushing.

4. Take nothing for granted: watch water flow, the corn grow, the leaves blow, your neighbor mow.

5. Taste your food. God gives it to delight as well as to nourish.

6. Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set. They are remarkable for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.

7. Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn, or possess. God's gifts just are; be grateful and their purpose will be clear.

8. When you talk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next. Thoughts will spring up naturally if you let them.

9. Talk and play with children. It will bring out the unhurried little person inside you.

10. Create a place in your home...at your work...in your heart...where you can go for quiet and recollection. You deserve it.

11. Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive. Rest isn't luxury; it's a necessity.

12. Listen to the wind blow. It carries a message of yesterday and tomorrow-and now. NOW counts.

13. Rest on your laurels. They bring comfort whatever their size, age, or condition.

14. Talk slower. Talk less. Don't talk. Communication isn't measured by words.

15. Give yourself permission to be late sometimes. Life is for living, not scheduling.

16. Listen to the song of a bird; the complete song. Music and nature are gifts, but only if you are willing to receive them.

17. Take time just to think. Action is good and necessary, but it's fruitful only if we muse, ponder, and mull.

18. Make time for play-the things you like to do. Whatever your age, your inner child needs re-creation.

19. Watch and listen to the night sky. It speaks.

20. Listen to the words you speak, especially in prayer.

21. Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders. There will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.

22. Divide big jobs into little jobs. If God took six days to create the universe, can you hope to do any better?

23. When you find yourself rushing and anxious, stop. Ask yourself "WHY?" you are rushing and anxious. The reasons may improve your self-understanding.

24. Take time to read the Bible. Thoughtful reading is enriching reading.

25. Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and efficiency. The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning, not the one who finishes first.

26. Take a day off alone; make a retreat. You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one.

27. Pet a furry friend. You will give and get the gift of now.

28. Work with your hands. It frees the mind.

29. Take time to wonder. Without wonder, life is merely existence.

30. Sit in the dark. It will teach you to see and hear, taste and smell.

31. Once in a while, turn down the lights, the volume, the throttle, the invitations. Less really can be more.

32. Let go. Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do - but often it is the best.

33. Take a walk-but don't go anywhere. If you walk just to get somewhere, you sacrifice the walking.

34. Count your friends. If you have one, you are lucky. If you have more, you are blessed. Bless them in return.

35. Count your blessings - one at a time and slowly.

Definition of a Missionary: A man on a "mission" for God without letting "nary" a thing deter him.-- Lawrence Brotherton

GOD SAID

If you never felt pain, then how would you know that I'm a Healer?

If you never went through difficulties, how would you know that I'm a Deliverer?

If you never had a trial, how could you call yourself an overcomer?

If you never felt sadness, how would you know that I'm a Comforter?

If you never made a mistake, how would you know that I'm forgiving?

If you knew it all, how would you know that I will answer your questions?

If you never were in trouble, how would you know that I will come to your rescue?

If you never were broken, then how would you know that I can make you whole?

If you never had a problem, how would you know that I can solve them?

If you never had any suffering, then how would you know what Jesus went through?

If you never went through the fire, then how would you become pure?

If I gave you all things, how would you appreciate them?

If I never corrected you, how would you know that I love you?

If you had all power, then how would you learn to depend on me?

If your life was perfect, then what would you need Me for?

'A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!'
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some folks appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why do press harder on the remote control, when we know the battery is dead.

Corduroy pillows are still leaving headlines.

Every take-off is optional; every landing is mandatory.

You cannot get ahead, if you're too busy getting even.

Love looks through a telescope; envy through a microscope.

A wishbone should not be where the backbone belongs.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

A magician might pull rabbits out of hats. but Jesus can pull habits out of rats.

The flower that follows the sun does so even on cloudy days.

I'm trying to invent a microwave television so I can watch "Gone With the Wind" in only 30 minutes. --Lawrence

What is a mosquito's favorite sport? Skin diving

Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?

If you cut yourself, rub thyme into the cut, because thyme heals all wounds.

Some power saws are a cut above the rest.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

More of "MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS"

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is more intelligent ?

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

A client asked his lawyer how to plead. The lawyer said, "On your knees!"

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

I panicked and hung up! What kind of sick company has an actual PERSON answer their phone?!

Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.

Those who say they "sleep like a baby" obviously haven't got one.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
- Steven Wright

The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember.

When putting it into memory, remember where you put it.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

All I need is $1,000,000. Care to make a donation?

All answers questioned here.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."
- Winston Churchill

Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.

What do you call a dear with no eyes? No idea.
--Lawrence

If I write a story about my car, would it be an
autobiography? --Lawrence

The two most beautiful words in the English language
are "check enclosed." --Dorothy Parker

Be careful about health books. You may die of a
misprint. --Mark Twain

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. - Ellen Parr

ABOUT GOD
There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY Trespassers will be baptized!

"No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"People are like tea bags -you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" (U R)

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

YOU could be another Cain, when you say I'm not Able.

When your eyes leak, your head won't swell.

Fans for games, Fanactics for Christ.

Sermons aren't dug-up, but prayed down.

The apple didn't Sin, it was the Pear (pair) on the ground.

If the cookies are too high up, how will the children reach them.

Joy is not the absence of suffering, but rather the presence of God.

We claim the Victory because there's no sound of retreat.

Some Roosters believe the Sun has come up to listen to it crow.

Christians are like automobiles; they start missing before they quit.

To realize the worth of the anchor, we need to feel the storm.

No cloud comes into your life but that God has put a rainbow in it.

Yes, God demands a whole heart, but he will accept a broken one, if he gets all the pieces.

Peter was like an electric alarm clock. They both have hands, they both have a face, and they both stop when a storm comes.

Folks, if your mind isn't becoming you, then you otta be coming to Church......Amen!

BILLBOARDS IN ARIZONA
Tell the kids I love them.
-God

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God

C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God

We need to talk.
-God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God

I love you and you and you and you and...
-God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God

Follow me.
-God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God

My way is the highway.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it's hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God

Don't make me come down there.
-God

"What If...?"
God couldn't take the time to bless us today because we could not take the time to thank Him yesterday...

What If...?
God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we didn't follow Him today...

What If...?
God didn't walk with us today because we failed to recognize it as His day...

What If...?
We never saw another flower bloom because we grumbled when God sent the rain...

What If...?
God stopped loving and caring for us because we failed to love and care for others...

What If...
God took away the Bible tomorrow, because we would not read it today...

What If...
God took away His message because we failed to listen to His messenger...

What if...?
God didn't send His only begotten Son because He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price of sin...

What If...?
The door to the church was closed because we did not open the door of our hearts...

What If...?
God would not hear us today because we would not listen to Him yesterday...

What If...?
God answered our prayers the way we answer His call to service...

What If...?
God met our needs the way we give Him our lives...

MANY, MANY MORE THOUGHTS
No man is poor who has had a godly mother. (Abraham Lincoln)

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

Remember, the lesser of two evils is still evil.

"One seventh of your life is spent on Monday." (Hank Caruso)

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." (Bobcat Goldthwait)

Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he talks to you, you're crazy?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!

"A Hatfull Of Spare Thots!"

1. Anger is a condition in which the tongue, works faster than the mind.
2. You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
3. Love ......and you shall be loved.
4. All people smile in the same language.
5. A hug is a great gift, one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.
6. Everyone needs to be loved, especially when they do not deserve it.
7. The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity.
8. Laughter is liquid sunshine.
9. Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.
10. It's important for parents to live the same things they teach.
11. If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.
12. Happy memories never wear out.. Relive them as often as you want.
13. Home is the place where we grumble the most, but are often treated the best.
14. The choice you make today will usually affect tomorrow.
15. Take time to laugh for it is the music of the soul.
16. If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it.
17. Patience is the ability to idle your motor, when you feel like stripping your gears.
18. Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together.
19. The best thing parents can do for their children, is to love each other.
20. Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts.
21. To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.
22. We take for granted the things that we should be giving thanks for.
23. Love is the only thing that can be divided, without being diminished.
24. Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others.
25. You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven.
26. For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back.
27. Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are.

If you think this is a free country, try to park your car somewhere and see what happens.

Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy and because the memos, once written, become proof that they were busy.

Having a green thumb doesn't necessarily mean you are a good gardener; you could simply be a lousy painter.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

The reason computers can do more work is they don't have to stop and answer the phone.

The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket.

People are never too busy to tell you all they have to do.

Snowflakes are some of nature's most fragile things but look what happens when they stick together.

Some minds are like concrete; all mixed up and permanently set.

You know what happens when you play country music backwards? You quit drinking, you get your wife back,
you're rehired and your lost dog comes home.

Why is it that all the semi drivers who cut me off or pull out in front of me never seem to have that "How's My Driving?" telephone number on the back of their trucks?

Inflation's at zero? Wow, it's finally keeping up with my salary.

In 10 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap.

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." (Gene Hill)

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." (Stephen Bishop)

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." (Moses Hadas)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." (Samuel Johnson)

"He had delusions of adequacy." (Walter Kerr)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." (Groucho Marx)

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." (Robert Redford)

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." (Thomas Brackett Reed)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." (Forrest Tucker)

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." (Mark Twain)

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." (Mae West)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." (Oscar Wilde)

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." (Oscar Wilde)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." (Billy Wilder)

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

How ironic that the shortest sentence is "I am," and the longest sentence is "I do."

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

A conservative is a liberal who got mugged.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. (Ronald Reagan)

It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember.

What is the best lubricant for a life that's not running very smoothly?

My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." (Henny Youngman)

BEWARE: I'm acting under the influence of human nature.

No wonder I feel so tired - I'm older now than I've ever been before.

No wonder I'm so confused - one of my parents was a man, the other was a woman.

I hope there is a next life because I'll definitely need another life to understand this one.

I can't trace my family back very far, but still proudly believe that I, too, had ancestors.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

I'm sorry for not communicating but sometimes it's hard to write on a moving planet!

My strange behaviour as a child is easily explained; I was training to be an adult.

My life is already complicated enough, without trying to introduce organization into it.

I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere- and let the air out of their tires.

6) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

7) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts

1 Cross +
3 Nails =
4 Given.

Live every day like it is your last day on Earth and sooner or later you will be right.

e-i-e-i-o: A gross misspelling of the word 'farm'.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life.

If you hear no evil and see no evil, call the TV repairman.

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people." (G.K. Chesterton)

"It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere."

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Never give the devil a ride - he will always want to drive.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

California smog test: Can UCLA?

A watched clock never boils.

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

"THE NINETEEN COMMANDMENTS"

1. If you feel far away from God, guess who moved?

2. Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there.

3. What you are is God's Gift to you. What you become is your gift to God.

4. I am God's Melody of life and He Sings His Song through me.

5. We can never really go where God is not, and where He is, all is well.

6. No matter what is happening in your life, know that God is Waiting for you with open arms.

7. God Promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

8. Do your best and then sleep in peace. God is Awake.

9. God has a Purpose and Plan for me that no one else can fulfil.

10. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

11. We are responsible for the effort, not the outcome.

12. We set the sail; God makes the wind.

13. Begin to weave and God will Give you the thread.

14. When God says "no", it's because He has something better in store for you.

15. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

16. Prayer: don't bother to give God instructions, just report for duty.

17. It's my business to do God's Business and it's His business to take care of my business.

18. Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.

19. How come you're always running around looking for God? He's not lost.

> >Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
> >A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
> >A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
> >My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
> >Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
> >I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
> >A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
> >Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
> >If electricity comes from electrons...does morality come from morons?
> >Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
> >Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
> >Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
> >Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
> >Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
> >A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
> >A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
> >Without geometry, life is pointless.
> >When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
> >Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
 >When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

OLD AGE
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.

3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

8. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

9. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the seat.

10. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

11. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

12. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

13. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

14. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you.

15. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Television ruins more minds than drugs.

The attitude within is more important than the circumstances without.

The collapse of character begins with compromise.

Whoever follows a crowd will never be followed by a crowd.

Wisdom whispers - foolishness shouts.

"Islam is a religion in which their god requires you to send your son to die for him. Christianity is a faith in which God sent HIS Son to die for you." John Ashcroft (US Attorney General)

Creditors have better memory than debtors.

Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

WORDS OF WISDOM
No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
The older you get, the better you get (unless you're a banana)

Remember the good old days when people killed time by working instead of by taking coffee breaks?

A bore is a person who talks so much about himself that you don't get a chance to talk about yourself.

"Economy" today means a large container of detergent or a small car.

Champion hound dog was quickly disqualified for barking up the wrong tree.

In disputes among feuding needlework factions, quilters were known as "piece-makers."

STILL MORE THOUGHTS
Having a spirit of non-forgiveness is like drinking poison - and waiting for the other person to die!

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." - Edward P. Tryon

If I keep saving at the present rate, by the time I die I will owe $21, 473,249.13 - Lawrence Brotherton

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. - Woody Allen

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

I've Learned. . .
that 5,000,000 people have read "I've Learned" and passed it on to 15,000,000 who read it and passed it on to 45,000,000, and everyone of them is sending it to me.-Lawrence Brotherton

First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, Closed.

The Ten Commandments aren't prefaced with "If you're in the mood." -Laura Schlessinger

The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

Dry cleaners are often pressed for time.

Sour grapes can turn into WHINES.

Elections: Things that are held to see if the polls were right. -Yasha

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...

Never tell a bald man a hair-raising story.

The lottery is the best kind of tax ever conceived. It only taxes the willing.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

breakfast.com halted. Cereal port not responding.

You always hear that a camel can go 500 miles without water. How come nobody's ever bothered to see how far they can go WITH water.

My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others. My question is, what are the others here for?

Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.- John Steinbeck

Money talks. Mine says "I'm leaving."

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.-- Derek Bruce

Are there any unguided missiles?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

The only purpose my "to do" list serves is to remind me of what to feel guilty about not doing.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Millions who long for immortality don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Since I have the shape of a yeast roll, don't you think I would make a good roll model.-Lawrence Brotherton

My parents were soooooo poor, they got married for the rice.

Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors. - J. Bothne

The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

I'm as broke as the ten commandments.

I have three college degrees: One undergraduate and two post-graduate. With those and 45 cents, I can get a cup
of coffee.

Some power saws are a cut above the rest.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

If you cut yourself, rub thyme into the cut, because thyme heals all wounds. -Steve Jacobson

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -Henny Youngman

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

HEAVENLY ONE LINERS
Give God what's right - not what's left.

Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to an endless hope.

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.

Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

When praying, don't give God instructions -- just report for duty.

Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

The church is prayer-conditioned.

When God ordains, He sustains.

WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

Never give the devil a ride - he will always want to drive.

Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

He who angers you controls you.

Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.

Be ye fishers of men - you catch them and He'll clean them.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called

SOME WORDS OF HUMAN WISDOM
No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.

Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.

Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.

Success stops when you do.

When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.

You will never "have it all together."

Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!

The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want I will be happy."

The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.

I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.

Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.

If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.

We often fear the thing we want the most.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say. Best friends listen to what you don't say!

Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

Look for opportunities...not guarantees.

Life is what's coming....not what was.

Success is getting up one more time.

Now is the most interesting time of all.

When things go wrong.....don't go with them.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

God can mend all broken hearts. You just have to give him all the pieces.

A person who asks a question might be a fool for five minutes, but a person who doesn't ask, is a fool forever...

A best friend is like a four leaf clover... hard to find, and lucky to have.

A friend is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart.

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.

Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace... and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

MANY MORE MOST INTERESTING THOUGHTS
It is better to keep your mouth shut and look like a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

If you ever quit being a kid at heart, you'll get old.

I Love You because . . . you only sneak neat stuff into the grocery cart.

It is always helpful to learn from your mistakes because then your mistakes seem
worthwhile.

"People and things" do not upset us. Rather we upset ourselves by believing that
they can up upset us.

Many go to their grave with their music still inside of them.

Firmness is that admirable quality in ourselves that is merely stubbornness in others.

Poise is the art of raising the eyebrows instead of the roof.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Character is taught at home, but not by a purple dinosaur or big yellow bird. - Jacob White

The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

How long a minute is depends on ... what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Want to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

It isn't that life is short. It's that death is so long.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc.)

Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

The peak years of mental activity are between the ages of four and eighteen. At four they know all the questions, at eighteen they know all the answers.

When all think alike, no-one is thinking much.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

As you grow older, you'll find that most of the things you regret are the things you didn't do.

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

Lead your life s